Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Should I pay MIL-is this normal?

122 replies

hairymaclairy · 12/12/2010 20:19

We have moved house to be nearer to DHs family, as Dh assured me that his mother would be able to take care of our baby when I need to go back to work (around 6 months).
MIL had been dropping hints for a while that 'so and so' got paid for it by their DIL etc etc.. Anyway, it transpires that for looking after our son for 3 days a week she thinks I should pay her 250 quid a month.
A few other things: MIL and FIL both smoke, I have asked them to take it outside when our son is there, they also have incontinent dogs (2 of them) in the house.
MIL does not work, and parks my niece in front of the TV for hours, or takes her in her pram to wander around the shops. She doesn't have much access to my niece for all these reasons.
I have tried to say something to DH but he will not hear of it as he loves his mother and won't upset her, and says I am being tight for wanting to work and not pay her for looking after our son. (DH pays for all other bills). Am I being unreasonable to not want my son to be there AT ALL? And , is it normal to pay MIL to look after your child??

OP posts:

MumNWLondon · 13/12/2010 13:51

The childcare vouchers can't be used with relations even if ofsted registered.

I think thats right about the legality - ie if you want to pay her it has to be in your home unless she is ofsted registered.

Whitethorn · 13/12/2010 14:33

There are 2 issues here.

You should pay her - its 3 days and 250 is imo very reasonable. As for the legal side of things, come on, she is family, why would you be doing it 'above board'.

The smoking and dogs is an issue. I insist my mother smokes outside (for the poster that mentioned how this works, well she stands at the back door and watches DD play while she has her fag.

I think a certain amount of TV is expected anywhere other than a nursery environment. All day isnt on. The dogs would bother me and that would be a deal breaker.

If I were you I would throw down the gauntlet to your DH and say you are happy for MIL to look after your baby in your home but not yours - for the reasons you mentioned. If he says No then you have tried to compromise but they wont meet you halfway.
TBH I wouldnt compromise my childs welfare to keep my DH happy.

santasakura · 13/12/2010 14:36

YANBU
Pay someone. MIL involvement all seems like a good idea when you're pregnant, but when your baby arrives you realise it so isn't...

ChippingIn · 13/12/2010 14:37

No way
No how
No show

Absoltely not
Never
Over my dead body

Move again
Divorce

Murder

Not even if she pays you.

englandsmistress · 13/12/2010 14:40

Goodness, I wouldnt leave a DOG with this person, never mind pay them to look after my child.
It's a no brainer.

TurkeyMartini · 13/12/2010 14:44

Hope you have found a way to make your DH engage in an adult discussion, OP.

I HATE it when people sound like they are a bit under their DH/DP's thumb about stuff like this :( You should have an equal say. Obviously. And for your child's sake you need to insist on what's right.

Good luck.

fannybaws · 13/12/2010 14:45

Op substitute the word nanny for MIL in your original post and then see if you would hire such a candidate.

Original poster

hairymaclairy · 13/12/2010 15:01

Polly- we are in Wales.
I raised the topic with DH again, as predicted he went into a mood, got angry and said he 'wasn't going to tell his mum, I would have to tell her the news, and I am being over the top' etc etc...cue HUGE row.
Chippingin, I think you may have something there, as I am seriously now wondering why I married this man/mothers boy in the first place, and not quite sure what possessed me to move here to be nearer his family

OP posts:

Gogopops · 13/12/2010 15:43

The two incontinent dogs worry me. Why would TWO dogs be incontinent?

If they aren't old or ill then it must be the PIL who were too lazy to toilet train them or can't be bothered to let them out regularly to relieve themselves - doesn't bode too well for their caring skills!! Avoid leaving your DS with them.

Why didn't you sort the childcare issue out before moving house to be nearer them? It seems to me that you implied the arrangement was ok by moving house.

GlitteryBalls · 13/12/2010 15:50

Ofsted probably wouldn't approve her as a registered childminder, so I don't see why you shoul dpay her like she is one. And I may be wrong, but if money is changing hands then I think she would actually be subject to adhering to certain guidelines. Use your money to pay for someone properly regualted if I were you. x

mogwhistle · 13/12/2010 16:01

I don't know if it's normal to pay a MIL for looking after DC , but when I worked part-time I had to pay my MIL which was fair enough. What I didn't find normal however was she still expected to be paid the same amount when I was on Annual Leave from work and looking after my children myself.

The arrangement was swiftly terminated by myself somewhat accrimoniously - beware!

Whitethorn · 13/12/2010 16:07

Mogwhistle Even the worst paid jobs get holiday pay. Why would you choose to treat a member of your family with less respect. Odd

alemci · 13/12/2010 16:19

i wouldn't leave him there. also if she charges does she have to be registered and are there legal implications.

don't like the sound of the smoking or dogs.

FakePlasticTrees · 13/12/2010 16:22

OP - if your DH says you have to tell your MIL, firstly line up a childminder or nursery you want to use, then say "MIL, thank you so much for your kind offer to look after DC, but we've found a really great CM/have decided to use x nursery."

If she asks why, you could say you want your DC to have the more social environment of the nursery, or that you really feel it'll be hard for you when your PIL are on holiday, or white lie that there's dog allergies in your family, and that you can't have your DC in a house where there's dogs all day (and of course you know it would be too much to ask her to get rid of her dogs)

mogwhistle · 13/12/2010 16:45

Whitethorn maybe if she was registered, doing it as a proper job and paying tax , NI etc but this was my DC grandma not some casual employee!

Whitethorn · 13/12/2010 16:57

Mogwhistle If your MIL had registered and paid tax, I presume you would have been paying a lot more. It works both ways. I just wouldnt look at it like that. I would expect to pay a wage and pay holidays, it astounds me that someone would not - especially if they were family.

mogwhistle · 13/12/2010 17:45

If she was registered I actually wouldn't have had to pay anything as could have re-claimed the cost from tax credits. Not interedted in arguing with you I was just answering the OP's question.

2rebecca · 13/12/2010 19:10

I'm surprised you moved to be nearer a childminder who you think is unsuitable. I think the money is irrelevent. I wouldn't have wanted my kids with a smoker who didn't do much with them. Lots of smokers plan to give up. Unless a smoker has been off the fags for at least 6 months they are still a smoker in my eyes.
If I had had a nearby relative looking after my kids for 3 days a week who I thought was good for my kids I'd happily pay £250 a month. If you don't think she's a good childminder then don't let her look after your kids, if you think you can get someone better for the money then do it.

lucky1979 · 13/12/2010 19:27

Problem with getting smokers to smoke outside while your DC are there is that it still lingers if the smoke indoors the rest of the time. We went to visit my MIL on Saturday, were there for 5 hours, and my hair, clothes and DD's clothes all absolutely stank of smoke. And MIL only had one cigarette (outside) while we were there.

I'm an ex-smoker myself and still have an odd drag on someone elses cigarette if I'm tipsy so I'm not remotely precious about it, but I wouldn't want DD there every day.

classydiva · 13/12/2010 19:29

tell your husband you could pay that much to a registered child minder who will not smoke in front of your children.

250 a month is far too much for uninsured care because that is what it is.

uninsured.

Ealingkate · 13/12/2010 19:38

Didn't read all the thread - but it just seems like a bad idea all round, the smoking, the dogs, her ideas on weaning, potty training, parenting in general will probably be different to yours and she will not take well to you setting the rules.

FWIW my mum and dad who are absolutely lovely, still give my 5 year old tea with sugar in when she goes to stay there even though I have asked them not to do it on a few occasions, it's not that often that she stays there but...imagine that small annoyance multiplied 100 times when she does lots of things that you would rather she didn't.

Just make sure that the discussion with your OH centres around the fact that it's not about the money, you would just rather be totally able to set the rules for your child's carer.

mamatomany · 13/12/2010 19:47

YANBU - mothers and MIL think they know better than you and will argue with everything, I brought you up and you survived being a favorite line I found.
I'd rather pay a child minder double tbh. Or don't go back to work.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5