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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to give dd1 contact to her dad after i suffered daily rapes and daily beatings

120 replies

JSCandC · 12/12/2010 01:10

I have recieved a solicitors letter saying my ex partners dad daughter aged 4)
) saying he wants contact with dd who he has not seen since she was11 months,

i was raped and beaten daily whilst i was with him for 3 years, he made me to lose contact with my family and made me worthless, i tried to press charges aginst him for rape but he threatened to throw me and my unborn child off the local bridge when she was born I had to say I was lying and drop the charges, , i only escaped after I attempted suicide (dd1 was with her dad) by burning the house down, I was sectioned and dd1 was put in care with social services (foster care) until I came out and I was then placed into mother and baby unit untill I was proved to be able to cope with dd,

When I was allowed my dd full time alone I was I got a property in a new town (as i never spoke to my family again)
i then met my fiance now with a daughter who is 2.

and this letter has dropped a bombshell on our happy life as we never thought he would want to know her,

aibu to stop the contact and make it go to court as he is unsafe to her at all (he was arrested for rape a few years we got together)

OP posts:
Saucepanman · 12/12/2010 01:15

Jesus, you poor thing. YADNBU, and get a good solicitor if you don't already have one. The law society website has a search facility for local areas. Best of luck, hope things work out as you want them to.

KalokiMallow · 12/12/2010 01:16

YANBU at all!!! That's horrific!

victoriascrumptious · 12/12/2010 01:19

YANBU.

He is not fit to be around a child

Suncottage · 12/12/2010 01:19

Breathe sweetheart and think very clearly.

If your DD was in social care they will have a file detailing why. Don't panic - you have shown social services that you can care for DD.

Can you get in touch with your family?

ModreB · 12/12/2010 01:23

YANBU. Be strong, you will get through for you and your DD

tomhardyismydh · 12/12/2010 01:27

You need to bump this thread tomorrow so get some reasonable respones.

YANBU seek support from ss again now and as I am not sure how court system works you need some legal advice from a solicitor, now.

spidookly · 12/12/2010 01:28

yanbu

so sorry this monster has used your child to force himself back into your life :(

AngelZigzagsSparklyYuletideLog · 12/12/2010 01:30

There's no way YABU pet Smile

I'm glad you managed to break free and are safe now.

Don't be letting him affect the lovely family you have.

Suncottage · 12/12/2010 01:31

If you are in the UK - sleep and post tomorrow.

I will bump the thread for you.

Original poster
JSCandC · 12/12/2010 01:47

Suncottage I cant get in touch with my family as the dissowned me as I had a baby out of wed-lock Xmas Hmm they are catholics,

thanks for bumping the thread up for me,

I am panicking as he always said when he gets on his feet he will take dd off me and my family.

Dp loves her as his own (after a long time, he kept saying she werent his and he cant do anything for her but when she called him daddy for the 1st time when she 18moths his heart melted I could see it in his face)

I will do anything for both of my girls, i will not let anyone near them that can hurt them (maybe I am overprotective of them but as I was abused my biological father and then my first daughters father what do you expect

I will go to any lengths to protect my girls.

Th main thing he is using against me is my depression (yes I had depression but my mam died when i was 16 and my family dissowned me when I fell Pregnant what waS I MEANT TO DO?

I am free from depression I have been for 1 year now. I just want to move on with my life but he wont let me

OP posts:
izzywizzywoowooo · 12/12/2010 01:51

JS - Try not too worry, With his track record as you describe it would be unlikely a solicitor would even entertain the idea of representing your ex to get custody.

Just the fact you are posting here shows how much you love and want to protect your family.

Depression effects so many people it is understandable you suffered given the position you were put in.

Hope he never darkens your doorstep again OP. Smile

Suncottage · 12/12/2010 01:58

The answer to 'He won't let me' is simple.

Don't let him.

We need AF and SGB on this thread (regular posters and have good commom sense)

HOW DARE THEY SLEEP!

First of all

  1. Look after yourself (if you fall your DDs fall as well)

  2. Eat well, sleep, keep away from any kind of alcohol or sleeping tablets.

  3. Stay calm - do not transmit your panic to your DD's

  4. See a lawyer

  5. Stay calm

Where the hell are AF and SGB?

Original poster
JSCandC · 12/12/2010 02:19

izzywizzywoowooo a solicitor is representing him as the letter I got is off a solicitor on his behalf.

i am going to sleep in a little while after dd's have settled down again so they dont want me when they hear me going up (sure they wake up as soon as I am tired lol)

Suncottage
I have a lawyer ready (she helped me allready so I am going to phone her on monday and get a letter back. as I feel he has nt told the solicitor the truth

OP posts:
Original poster
JSCandC · 12/12/2010 02:40

well I am going to sleep now, By the looks of it in dd1 bed as she is awake and crying so i will settle her down and prob fall asleep cuddling into her like usual with 1 of my precious little girls

I will check and answer any questions later ontomorrow once we are all sorted out for th day

night all

OP posts:
MerrilyDefective · 12/12/2010 02:42

JSCandC...why can't you ask your family for help?
Surely they will help if they know you need them.
Catholics Confused

ChippingIn · 12/12/2010 02:47

My God, what a horrible, horrible shock for you :(

You have a lot on your side, please, please try not to panic. I hope you get some sleep tonight.

Keep this thread bumped tomorrow and Monday as there are some 'legals' that post here who can help you a bit.

I know you said you have a solicitor already - but is this what she specialises in? You need a specialist.

Please try to stay calm and I don't want to sound patronising but I will repeat what Suncottage said, do not go near any alcohol or sleeping tablets.

If you can't sleep/cope come on here - there is always someone to talk to.

beijingaling · 12/12/2010 05:22

Focus on the wonderful life you have now and do your very best not to let that man intrude into your daily life. Please try not to let an abusive shit abuse you again by upsetting you from a distance.

Keep all contact via the solicitors and do not get drawn into any communication (ie telephones) that can't be recorded and used as evidence (like letters etc). This gives you an absolute record for court if it ever goes that far. It will also mean that you can't say anything in the heat of the moment that can be used against you.

I don't know if this is something you have already done or if it would be far too horrific for you to go through but have you thought of writing down everything that you remember from the relationship. Include dates, witnesses, locations etc. In friends experiences having something written down to show in court carries a lot more weight than "he said, she said" especially if you don't do well under pressure and he's a smug plausible bastard.

The second thing to do is to make sure no one can question your mental health now. I don't know who would hold your records or what "proof" you have that you've been depression free for a year (congratulations btw) but again a diary of all of the positive things that you've done to get yourself to such a great place is good.

I agree with ChippingIn that you need a specialist or at least a chat with a specialist regarding this. Yes a solicitor has taken his case but he has probably not told them that he is an abusive, threatening rapist. I imagine he kept that quiet whilst telling the solicitor what a crazy loon you are.

Hope there is some advice for you in this very long message but I know there are people far more knowledgeable than me on here.
Really good luck and keep us posted.

ben5 · 12/12/2010 05:30

good luck. sorry no advice but a mn hug for you and your dds

Morloth · 12/12/2010 06:44

Fight with every last ounce of energy and money, if your lawyer is not a specialist in this then find one who is.

If he is capable of rape he is capable of anything particularly if he thinks it will hurt you.

woolymindy · 12/12/2010 07:17

You do need to see a solicitor and perhaps get in contact with the local women's aid for their advice.

He cannot just waltz up and get contact 0 givne the history you need to push for a finding of fact case before you proceed with the childrens case. This is happening with me and my dd's, we have the nspcc. a family psych as well as a cafcass officer involved - it has been difficlt at times but it is going the right way/ We are waiting for a finding of fact case to be heard and if it is decided that he hit me or them or neglected them then the court will consider making a no contact order for the girls. I would like to say this has taken ages, he hasn't seen them for 2.5 years.

You do need to get some advice but when you do then also make sure you ask for a family psych to be involved, given your history and his it is better to be transparent and having depression in the past will not prejudice them against you.

The bottom line is he cannot do this, you are scared, which is understandable but he cannot do this. Does he have his name on the birth certificate? and when you apply to the court apply for a residence order in your's and DP's name and then he too is automatically granted parental responsibility.

Sorry I know this is a bit garbled but be calm, nothing will happen quickly and you can be in control of this, just get some advice, be honest and take one step at a time.

Also try if it is not too hard to right down some sort of timeline of things that have happened in the past - everything you can remember and keep coming back and adding bits as you can - this will help you to talk about things and make sense of them

So sorry you are going through this, I will be thinking of you

SaggyHairyArse · 12/12/2010 07:24

Please get in touch with NADA (National Association for Domestic Abuse) or Womens Aid for advice and support.

Best of luck (((hugs)))

MumNWLondon · 12/12/2010 09:32

This isn't something I know about, but YANBU at all.

Also I would have thought you can still press rape charges against him so maybe if he perserves with wanting contact you can charge him

DasherandSmugly · 12/12/2010 09:47

No advice but bumping for you.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 12/12/2010 10:24

Ave no advice but bumping

SantaMousePink · 12/12/2010 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.