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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to give dd1 contact to her dad after i suffered daily rapes and daily beatings

120 replies

JSCandC · 12/12/2010 01:10

I have recieved a solicitors letter saying my ex partners dad daughter aged 4)
) saying he wants contact with dd who he has not seen since she was11 months,

i was raped and beaten daily whilst i was with him for 3 years, he made me to lose contact with my family and made me worthless, i tried to press charges aginst him for rape but he threatened to throw me and my unborn child off the local bridge when she was born I had to say I was lying and drop the charges, , i only escaped after I attempted suicide (dd1 was with her dad) by burning the house down, I was sectioned and dd1 was put in care with social services (foster care) until I came out and I was then placed into mother and baby unit untill I was proved to be able to cope with dd,

When I was allowed my dd full time alone I was I got a property in a new town (as i never spoke to my family again)
i then met my fiance now with a daughter who is 2.

and this letter has dropped a bombshell on our happy life as we never thought he would want to know her,

aibu to stop the contact and make it go to court as he is unsafe to her at all (he was arrested for rape a few years we got together)

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 12/12/2010 10:32

have been there with an abusive man

thing is,the courts view is that it was directed at you,an adult,not the child

the childs rights are to have a relationship with both parents,the courts will want this for your child as per the childrens act......even prisoners can obtain contact orders,in prison!

you will have a fight on your hands. if he is still volatile and abusive,then there may be a history where other women have had him prosecuted. he may have a long criminal history by now. so insist on a section 7 report. his record will be checked,my own ex had comitted further crimes so it helped with getting him out of our lives for good

insist on a forensic psychiatric asessment

GypsyMoth · 12/12/2010 10:38

i'm a namechanger for another thread but i'm ILT....i was the MNer who got the psych asessment,never met another here on mn who has! but i was pleased with it....it did reveal some horrid stuff,but it got him diagnosed properly and the courts had to take it all more seriously when it was there in black and white. his medical records were also included.....so got to see those....but most importantly,i got the section 91(14) which prevented him from further court applications for 6 years without leave of court. so 6 years of no contact at all.
this was first time cafcass and solicitor had seen a judge give one,and the judge was torn,he stated he was reluctant to exclude a parent,even with the horrific details in front of him. but he did,eventually

SantaMousePink · 12/12/2010 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 12/12/2010 12:06

Of course YANBU, do all you can to protect your girls and your new family.

There is not a court in the land that will push this if they are in possession of the full facts.

bitsyandbetty · 12/12/2010 12:23

In your position I would never let him see her as I would be really worried about him using her to gain power over you. Can you get information from Refuge or a body like that.

ChippingIn · 12/12/2010 13:07

TopTulip - sorry you had to go through all of that (and what preceeded it) but I'm very pleased you finally got the exclusion.

JSC&C we'll keep this bumped, you will get a lot of very good advice from people who have (sadly) been through this before you - try to do what they are suggesting x

Original poster

JSCandC · 12/12/2010 14:26

Hi
Thanks for all of the advice. I will phone womens aid and domestic abuse helpline tomorrow aswel as my lawyer ( I am going to work from home tomorrow but still send dd2 to the childminder and get the ball rolling)

My lawyer is a family specialist as we were going to go and get dp to adopt dd1 before we get married in feb, so we all have the same name,

ILC - how did you get the psych assesment?

woolymindy dd1 dad is not on the birth certificate as he refused to have anything to do with her and said she was not his, I have got the letter that he sent me saying that so I will be showing the solicitor that aswell as the photos of the bruising that he casued.

My family wont help me at all as they want nothing to do with me and they have cut me out of everything (including my mams will), they also wont acknowledge my dds, as social services asked my family if they would like to see dd1 when she was in care and they all said no, so as they refused to see her when she could not see me (I was in a psych hospital and I was not allowed contact until I was proved to be safe around dd) I would prefer them not to be in our life now,

I am going to go to go out to dinner with future MIL tonight and talk to her about it, without little ears listening in, as dp and myself cant talk at the moment about it as dd1 thinks dp is her dad.

About my mental health - I have seen a psycholigist and a psychiatrist in June and was told I have no mental health problems now (I was took off my anti depressants last christmas) so I was discharged from their care in June but still had my CPN until september when she discharged me

OP posts:

Actuallawyer · 12/12/2010 14:37

Don't panic!

The letter from the solicitor is simply a request. You ought to respond to it but there is no great hurry. You might want to ring them in the morning to acknowledge that you've had it and explain that you will be taking legal advice. No need to discuss anything further but it will buy you some time.

I can't imagine for a million years that he's gone in and said "I used to rape my child's mother every day and now I'd like to see the child". He will have told his solicitor the things he wants them to know.

If you refuse to allow contact, he will have to issue an application to the Court. Before forcing you into contact, the Court will have to hear from you about why you refuse. The Court can order social services and police records so that it has the full picture.

On the basis that Social Services were involved, you ought to seek their advice. I would imagine that if they know the full history they will tell you not to allow contact without an investigation.

Don't panic!

OTTMummA · 12/12/2010 14:40

YANBU, but can i ask, how long has he not had contact for?
You say 11 months initially, but then say you saw his face melt when she called him daddy?
Sorry could you just clarify, because if he has been in regular contact the situation may well be different.

Actuallawyer · 12/12/2010 15:01

It was her new partner (the melting comment).

sethstarkaddersmum · 12/12/2010 15:04

good luck xxx

TottWriter · 12/12/2010 15:37

Don't have any real advice, but I did want to wish you the best of luck in this. from other threads I have read here on Mumsnet, there are lots of regular posters who know what they are talkig about and can help you through this.

If this has brought back painful memories, you could try looking in the Relationships forum - there are women there who will understand how you feel and can help you talk through those feelings.

I have nothing but admiration for your getting away from this man in the first place, and I suspect that once the full facts are in the open that he will start to back down. At the very worst he will only be allowed closely supervised access. Definitely bring up the fact that he denied she was his, and that you question his motives for suddently wanting to be involved.

LoudRowdyDuck · 12/12/2010 15:38

Oh, how horrible for you.

I'm thinking of you, best of luck.

SantaMousePink · 12/12/2010 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JSCandC · 12/12/2010 18:16

OTTMummA

dd bio dad has not seen dd1 since she was 11 months (which will be over 3 years now)when social services stopped him from seeing her as he was drinking lots again,

she called my fiance daddy and it was his face that melted,

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 12/12/2010 20:45

Sorry, i miss read your post.
I would say, that if he hasn't had contact for such a long time, isn't on the BC, and has a record for violence and drinking, all signs point in favour of him not being given contact easily or even at all.
Try not to dwell too much on this, you may well find that when he discovers that it will not be so easy to get what he wants, he will back off and give up.

Good luck, and i will watch on to see how it goes for you.

GypsyMoth · 12/12/2010 20:49

he WILL get contact,probably supervised,but violence and drinking don't prevent it

try looking in www.wikivorce.com forums

after over 2 years in court system,i have found this out. its RARE a judge orders 'no contact'.....very rare

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 12/12/2010 20:54

I can't add to the advice here, but I really do feel for you and just wanted to keep this bumped.

I hope you can find the support you need...

OTTMummA · 12/12/2010 21:40

can your new partner not adopt her before anything goes further?
its a bloody awful thing to do, but the lesser evil in my book.
He isn't on the BC, don't know if he has asked for a DNA test etc, or how he can prove that she is his biologically.
My mum was given a divorce from my dad when i was 3, the court ordered that he wasn't to see me or my sister until we were 18.
No contact, supervised or not.
Nothing.
He was violent and abusive, he didn't rape my mother as far as i am aware, but he had a record and this was taken into account.

GypsyMoth · 12/12/2010 21:46

that would have been before the childrens act OTTMummA??

getting PR will be a simple formality through court if he doesnt have it

in which case,his permission will be needed for adoption

OTTMummA · 12/12/2010 21:48

probably, toptulip, i feel do desperate for the op.
I can not believe that he will get what he wants.
unbelievable.

Original poster

JSCandC · 12/12/2010 23:27

we were in the process of getting dd adopted by my partner then this letter came,

I am hoping the bio dad dont get contact but even MIL said that he prob wil get it,

I have been reading through old social services files and it says in them that I had to move to a new town so he cant find me and dd, and I am not allowed in my home town as he lives there,

I have alost wrote out what I need to do tomorrow,

phone bio dad solictitors and tell them I receieved the letter
phone my solicitors and get an appointment
give my girls a great big hug and enjoy our trip to see the brand new baby of the family (dp sister had a baby girl 1 week ago)

OP posts:

classydiva · 12/12/2010 23:28

If you werent married he has no rights.

However, children only have one father, and unfortunatelly your child has a pig of a father.

You could say only supervised visits, or go to court.

Original poster

JSCandC · 12/12/2010 23:37

classydiva If I say unsupervised contact he will want more and more as he has always said he is going to make sure he gets custody,

We were not married, I know children only have 1 father but it takes a man to be a father not a boy, (I am trying so hard to not be nasty about him but it is very hard)

OP posts:

classydiva · 12/12/2010 23:40

He isnt on the birth certificate, you weren't married he has no rights as far as the child is concerned

She has a dad now.

She doesnt need this man in her life and neither do you.

You will prob get away with him having no access. Good luck!

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