not to give dd1 contact to her dad after i suffered daily rapes and daily beatings

[JSCandC]

I have recieved a solicitors letter saying my ex partners dad daughter aged 4)
) saying he wants contact with dd who he has not seen since she was11 months,

i was raped and beaten daily whilst i was with him for 3 years, he made me to lose contact with my family and made me worthless, i tried to press charges aginst him for rape but he threatened to throw me and my unborn child off the local bridge when she was born I had to say I was lying and drop the charges, , i only escaped after I attempted suicide (dd1 was with her dad) by burning the house down, I was sectioned and dd1 was put in care with social services (foster care) until I came out and I was then placed into mother and baby unit untill I was proved to be able to cope with dd,

When I was allowed my dd full time alone I was I got a property in a new town (as i never spoke to my family again)
i then met my fiance now with a daughter who is 2.

and this letter has dropped a bombshell on our happy life as we never thought he would want to know her,

aibu to stop the contact and make it go to court as he is unsafe to her at all (he was arrested for rape a few years we got together)

Oh JSCandC. :(

I wish I had something helpful or wise to add, but I'm afraid I don't. I just couldn't read through the thread and not comment.

You sound like a wonderful mother and a very brave woman, and I hope there is a happy outcome of this for you.

x

Bump for you OP

Classydiva that is so not true!!!

And you really expect the law to say it's ok for new partner to replace bio dad? It won't happen

It's just a formality for bio dad to get PR from courts. Very easy for him if mother won't sign the forms

Will you sign forms for his PR op? Pr will you make courts take it further to prove paternity?

Do you have, or will you be entitled, to legal aid?

You poor love.

Just a thought... if he is employed then every court action, every solicitor's letter, will cost him. Most abusive men who make demands such as this bastard, IME, act out of a desire to control the mother rather than because they genuinely want contact with their child. Is it possible that he has the hump that you're attempting to have your DP adopt your daughter and that this is his revenge? Certainly rape and a large percentage of DV is about control, isn't it, so that may back up my theory that this is all the man wants.

Assuming that he is employed, by making sure that everything he wants is contested and will require him to instruct his Solicitor further you will hit him where it really hurts - in the pocket. That may well stop him sooner than you'd imagine.

You're being amazingly strong and brave and incredibly calm and I admire you so much for that. I'd be spitting feathers, out to kill if I were in your shoes. Keep that spirit, it's a huge asset.

I wish I could do something to help and wish you justice and good luck.

I've been through the family court system and there is no way that the court would refuse contact, even in the case of violence against the mother. They're not interested in crimes against the mother, only that the child should have contact with the father.

Your new partner will not be recognised and the bio father will most likely be granted joint Parental Responsibility with you.

Even convicted rapists and paedophiles are given some sort of contact with their children. The most you might get is contact in a contact centre for a few weeks/months, but that will be eventually transferred to unsupervised as contact centres are reserved for seriously neglectful/violent/addicted parents.

If mothers refuse/obstruct contact they are seen as being hostile and will be blackmailed and threatened by the court welfare people (Cafcass).

I'm not saying all of this is right, but this is the reality for mothers who are trying to protect their children from violent/difficult/neglectful bio fathers.

I'm sorry that you've been through all that you have and now find yourself facing this man again, but you need to prepare yourself. If he's determined, he'll be given contact. He may lose interest and drop the case. Only time will tell.

ps, the only thing that you can realistically do is move as far away as you can before he applies for parental rights. Once he has parental rights he can apply for an order to stop you from moving out of the area.

If you get away now, chances are he won't be able to commit to the amount of travelling involved if he does want to see your dd. In the worst case scenario, you could be made to share the travelling (happened to me), but if you move far enough, it will be extremely difficult for him to collect/visit your dd.

Not much to add, but did he ever use drugs or was he an alcoholic? If so request that he be drug/alcohol tested. The courts do not look to releasing children to men currently using when there is a past history of violence etc.
It might be helpful.

i agree with ilovemyfestivehens....except the bit about CAFCASS blacmailing/threatening,as this wasn't my experience of them

but yes,have been through family courts also,as have alot of people i met on my way.....and contact is nearly always given

the financial aspect and the travelling distance are good ones to work on!!

Cafcass aren't overtly threatening. They pretend to be all very nice so that you're lured in and begin to trust them, then they stick the knife in with a smile on their faces I was threatened with a residence transfer just for stopping contact on two occasions due to serious concerns about ExP's care of ds1's life threatening medical condition.

Good luck with your lawyer. Let us know.

HI, thanks for the replies,

I have spoken to my solicitor and I have an appointment with her at 3,
toptulip dp had been going to adopt dd for a while now but as we have just came in the position to afford a solicitor, I know the bio dad is the dad, but he has said all the way through pregnancy that shes not his and has asked for a dna a few times, I have all of the letters saying that, I am going to see what my solicitor days then takes things from there, I wont be having legal aid, BUT I dont care how much it costs I will go to extreme lengths to protect my girls. even if my wedding has to be cancelled and my home sold.As long as dds is protected and both girls have warmth, clothes and food on the table, I would starve if I have to. (meaning if I only ended up with enough food for my girls)

Vallhala Im calm at the moment but I have been angry and uspet, but it is no good for me and my family if I am angry, I do want to kill him but I suppose I cant. I think he will be entitled to legal aid as he always said he will not work for pennys and he has no qulaifications thats I know of so he could be working he could not, I have had no contact at all with him.

ilovemyfestivehens I am dreading the thought of CAFCASScomming back involved as they were involved when dd1 was a baby and they did not want dd1 back with me but everyone else did and the Judge never took notice of CAFCASS. I have moved away and we are settled here aswell as dd1 being happy now, we have moved around a bit and settled in this town and the nighmares and behaviour problems have stopped and she is a lovely happy little girl, The solicitor only found me through the electoral register. I dont think he will come down for contact as it will be over 4 hours to get here and he used to hate traveling more then 10mins, Does contact have to take place in the child's home town?

fiveisanawfullybignumber he was an alcoholic before he met me (6years ago) and when we split up he was still drinking, He used to hurt me when we couldnt afford to have have a drink, which was everyday. Social services stopped contact between him and dd1 through his drinking a lot of times until they issued to contact and he seemed happy with it until now,

I am going to phone social services up and ask for their help as my health visitor has said they should help after past experiences with them.

well its a complicated case,so will be looked into properly with a section 7 report (i would think, i'm no solicitor!)

his past will prob have little bearing on proceedings as they like to concentrate on the here and now. so depending how he is now conducting himself,will probably dictate how it all goes. if he has been on the radar with police etc,then it will all unravel within the court arena....however,if he is now a different and responsible person with no paper trail,then he will most likely be awarded contact,building up to staying contact (overnights,weekends and holidays)

i would say you need a DNA test.....expensive
each letter sols send is going to cost. you could self rep and engage a mckenzies friend. the 'families need fathers' website is good,they advise mothers such as yourself too,so dont be put off

home town contact......not always. you could be made to travel to him,meet halfway....whatever. contact centres for supervised contact operate on a temporary basis,but he can be monitored and then a report made on how well he does. the court hearing will be in childs home town,so he will need to keep turning up to court.....which will be a fair few hearings. thats his first hurdle....this is where my ex came unstuck,he repeatedly failed to turn up. hence my section 91 (14) which you could push for if he keeps taking it to court to control you.

i must add,i'm no solicitor,but here on MN there are some posters who work within family law.....they may post here to correct me and advise you properly!!

but remember,each case is looked at individually,there is no way of saying how this will turn out. but please do be prepared for it to not go the way you want. and have a look at the wikivorce forums. they will put you straight and you will see how many failed parents do actually gain alot of contact. some cases are shocking,but you need to know what you're up against here

JSCandC, I really feel for you. I was in a similar position and it's totally understandable why you want this man out of you and your daughter's lives.

I was also told that my abusive ex would definitely get contact no matter what he had done, I was told the same thing as ilovemyfestivehens. I think it's terribly unfair tbh, it's obviously causing tremendous stress to you, which can't be good for your child, and the benefits of having contact with such an unpleasant person are doubtful .

Personally I took the same route that ilovemyfestivehens suggests - I moved abroad, which means I am way out of reach of my ex. I've been criticised for this by some people but all I can say is that they were not there to witness and suffer from his abuse and they simply don't know how damaging it would be to expose a child to that.

An acquaintance of mine was ordered by the court to go to parenting lessons where she would be educated on how important it is for a biological father to have contact with their child.

There were women in the room who had been burned, raped, fractured skull, broken limbs, stabbed and attacked with glass bottles. These women were all being told by the court that they must allow access, the best they could hope is that it would be supervised.

So I think a lot of people are being over optimistic, I would move abroad if that is an option.

Before attending mediation and parenting classes, she would not have believed that any court would allow contact with these men.

oh God Lynli

You poor love. You have come back amazingly from circumstances which would finish most people off. I have no idea about the legalities or about the workings of ss; but there have been some really good bits of advice here. I'd pick out

1. No communication except through lawyers
2. Stay away from the alcohol etc.
3. Get as much evidence as possible that your current mental health is fine.
4. collect evidence of what he did to you before
5. Stay calm.

All this should help avoid giving him any ammunition. Also, if you run into problems, come straight back here!

Remember, there was nothing wrong with you before you met your violent and deranged ex. There is nothing wrong with you now. You are a sane, stable, strong person who has, with your loving new partner formed a stable family. It is not unreasonable for you to resist contact with a man you know to be a violent, lying and manipulative alcoholic.

Good luck

What does your solicitor think?

I really feel for you op, sorry I cannot add anything helpful as I am not a lawyer. Lynli looks like the fathers needs come before the childs best interests. This would not happen if the man was not the childs father, he would be on the sex offenders register and not allowed contact with children. Yes a relationship with the father is important if the father is not violent, abusive, addict. I cant belive they would put the fathers needs before that of the child.

I can't add to any of the advice here, but bumping for you. You sound like an incredibly strong woman and an amazing mother.

Hi,

my solicitor is recommending NO CONTACT. So it will be most likely going to court. If it does go to court my solicitor will be asking the court for a full psych assesment and a police check on him.

My solicitor is getting all of the paperwork from social services about my ex's life, she will also be getting confirmation from my dr to say that I am free from mental health. I have also given her a copy of the photos and letters I have had since me and him were together, and she says it is very usefull as he threatens to kill dd1 in one letter,

I have also gotten a phone call from his mother saying dont allow contact as he has never worked and is still drinking alcohol and dabbling in drugs, so I suppose he wont care about the cost of court as he is claiming legal aid etc, but I doubt he will make the effort to come here for the court case, as it will cost quite a bit to travel here. I dont know how his mother got my number, but I am now ex-directory after phoning virgin up and getting the number changed and making it ex-directory, she allowed me to record the call so I have that recorded,

pointissima I will be having no contact with him except through solicitors, that is the main reason I got my number changed, so his mother can not pass it to him. I am trying to stay calm but I am more worried about the fact court is most likely going to give him contact then I will have to explain to dd1 that the person who she thinks is her daddy is not and she is going to go and see her daddy and the affects it has on her and dd2,

Sounds like him Mum is on your side.

Thats good JS, my goodness you are so brave and strong. Keep fighting, you are doing all the right things, and seems like things will go in your favour. Even his mum is on your side too.

Well he may be the sperm provider, but your dp is her 'real' daddy, the one who is there for her and does things a daddy should.

Fantastic news JSCandC regarding your chat with the solicitor and that she thinks it is a realistic request.

I know you have a lot on your mind but you do know that eventually you will have to tell your DD that your wonderful DP is not her bio dad. Just something to think about for the future. Right now concentrate on your wonderful family and try not to let that dickhead bother you in day to day life.