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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to give dd1 contact to her dad after i suffered daily rapes and daily beatings

120 replies

JSCandC · 12/12/2010 01:10

I have recieved a solicitors letter saying my ex partners dad daughter aged 4)
) saying he wants contact with dd who he has not seen since she was11 months,

i was raped and beaten daily whilst i was with him for 3 years, he made me to lose contact with my family and made me worthless, i tried to press charges aginst him for rape but he threatened to throw me and my unborn child off the local bridge when she was born I had to say I was lying and drop the charges, , i only escaped after I attempted suicide (dd1 was with her dad) by burning the house down, I was sectioned and dd1 was put in care with social services (foster care) until I came out and I was then placed into mother and baby unit untill I was proved to be able to cope with dd,

When I was allowed my dd full time alone I was I got a property in a new town (as i never spoke to my family again)
i then met my fiance now with a daughter who is 2.

and this letter has dropped a bombshell on our happy life as we never thought he would want to know her,

aibu to stop the contact and make it go to court as he is unsafe to her at all (he was arrested for rape a few years we got together)

OP posts:

FiveColdRingsForSolo · 17/12/2010 11:50

I would definitely go to the police about this. It'll probably also give you some help with your legal proceedings too so mention it to your solicitor asap.

beijingaling · 17/12/2010 13:39

Go to the police

GO TO THE POLICE

Also speak to your solicitor as soon as possible as she may know the best way to proceed. Make a formal complaint so that ex can't ever claim that he was joking or that it wasn't serious. You need to be able to show a judge that this frightened and upset you. The only way to do that is to go to the police.

Can your brother come and stay with you for a bit? I'm sorry your family are having such a bad time of it but you really need to keep focus on keeping DD safe from this monster.

Casserole · 17/12/2010 13:46

Go to the police. You absolutely MUST. This is the best evidence you have that right now he is still in no fit state to be let anywhere near you or your children.

Ring the police this afternoon, if you haven't already. And ring your solicitor, too.

xstitchsnowscene · 17/12/2010 13:52

Absolutely go to the police and tell your solicitor too. Certainly sounds like he was on something. Well done on your dad recording it. Let us know how you get on.

Original poster

JSCandC · 17/12/2010 22:21

I phoned the police last night and I did a statement. I also phoned the solicitor this morning and she needs to hear the recording then make a decision, she wont write to m ex solicitor until she has heard that, I have an appointment on monday to let her listen to it,

I have gone home today as my dd's are not well and waiting for out of hours gp to come and see them.

I told my dad I couldnt stay any longer as my dd's need me and that hw knows where I am and when dd's get better my little brother can come and stay. but as we dont know what dd's have got I cant let him stay incase it is contagious, I have made it clear that I am only a phone call away but cant come back up even for the funeral as it is not safe for me.

OP posts:

beijingaling · 18/12/2010 02:59

Poor you JSCandC. I really feel for you and your family at the moment.

Well done for going to the police and well done for doing a statement. The solicitor will do the right thing so I'm glad you're talking to her too. Let us know how you get on Monday.

Hope your girls feel better and it's nothing too nasty.

ElsieMc · 18/12/2010 09:21

I am glad you have gone to the Police. This thread has worried me, because the first Judge in our family proceedings told us that "rape is no barrier to contact". This is how the system works but it is clear your ex partner is not fit to be near any child and although this was a terrible situation for you, it is further evidence that he is out of control.

Original poster

JSCandC · 20/12/2010 15:53

Not been online for a few days as both dd's were in hospital with dehydration through severe V+D and just got home from hospital with them after they have been on a drip

I have been on the phone to the solicitor as I couldnt make the appointment and I told her dp would drop the recording round to her later today, She has had a little listen to it over the phone and said she is recomending no contact what so ever and going to get a block so he cant apply without court agreeing, and she will phone me back up after she has heard the recording, DP has gone and dropped it off now so she should have it soon.

The police were in touch yesterday - they showed up at the hos and said that exP has been arrested and they have held him in the station since sat morning, He is appearing in court (magistrates) sometime today to get him remanded as he has been wanted for a few months now for other offences, he is denying that he has seen me since 2008 but my dad has got the recording and also it is on cctv so dont know how he will get out of this one.

I have also been asked to press charges against him for the relationship, which I am not to sure about doing as it means opening up everything that I have hidden for so long,

OP posts:

ChocolateMoose · 20/12/2010 16:22

Hi JSCandC

I only just found this thread and wanted to post a quick message of support in your awful situation. I'm sure others will be along quickly with good advice. It must be a difficult decision to press charges for what happened in your relationship, but the reward could be getting him locked away safely...

Thinking of you.

mommmmyof2 · 20/12/2010 16:33

No one would want their child to be around someone like that, as parents the first thing we want to do is protect our children no matter what. I don't think i would give up without a fight, you no what he did to you and the horrific consequenses it had on your life, now you have to be strong and go down the appropriate channels.
I do wish you all the best

Original poster

JSCandC · 21/12/2010 05:33

I have had no sleep last night as I was thinking about what to do, as ex partner is remanded in prison I know he cant get to me and threaten me again so I have decided to press charges against him, I am going to phone the police at 9, when the CID officer is in and tell them I will do it,

As I would hate for him to get out after a few months or whatever he gets and does the same to another woman.

Thanks for all of the support, I am also going to phone my old CPN up and ask if there will any support when I do it and help me through the process of the memories, (I was seeing a psychologist last year to help with things so I maybe be able to go back o her, as the timing was not right and I was told I could go to her when I felt ready.

OP posts:

justabit · 21/12/2010 06:14

Dear JS

I have just read your thread and I wanted to respond while you waited for others who have been through this with you to wake up.

I'm so sad and angry reading about what you have been through with this man. I know that it must have been difficult to come to this decision but you are so very right to press charges.

Your daughters are very lucky to have you as their mother.

Animation · 21/12/2010 07:00

Just press charges and be done with it. It's the truth.

Gotta to stand up to the bully - no matter who he is, or what he is.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 21/12/2010 07:49

Am new to this thread but wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. You are doing incredibly well with all this, but you do need to take that step and press charges. Prison is the best place for him and easiest way if getting him to go away for a bit. I know it will be very very hard for you to do but think how you will feel if you don't do this and he keeps at trying to get contact. The chances are you will bitterly regret not pressing charges.

Original poster

JSCandC · 24/12/2010 08:34

I have pressed charges and he has been charged.

I have to see my solicitor on wed next week, and stop all preceedings for contact, which probly be a court case sometime soon.

OP posts:

Original poster

JSCandC · 24/12/2010 08:35

forgot to add thanks for all of the responses

OP posts:

Lardycake · 24/12/2010 08:40

You both sound as if you shouldn't be allowed near children (burning the house down? sectioned?).

Get a lawyer, take him to court for rape, then let the courts decide on access. In my experience, courts are now very sympathetic when hearing rape cases, and you can give evidence by video link so that you won't have to face him.

frenchfancy · 24/12/2010 09:18

You are doing the right thing for you and your DCs.

Be strong, and have a good Christmas.

Oh, and just a thought, have you made a copy of the recording? If I were you I would make sure there were a couple of copies stashed in different places.

Original poster

JSCandC · 24/12/2010 11:37

Lardycake have you ever heard of mental health issues?

take it your one of the ignorant ones I kept hearing about it. for your information I was deemed safe to care for children. If you read the post correctly.

OP posts:

MainlyMaynie · 24/12/2010 11:59

Jesus Lardycake, that is downright unpleasant.

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