not to give dd1 contact to her dad after i suffered daily rapes and daily beatings

[JSCandC]

I have recieved a solicitors letter saying my ex partners dad daughter aged 4)
) saying he wants contact with dd who he has not seen since she was11 months,

i was raped and beaten daily whilst i was with him for 3 years, he made me to lose contact with my family and made me worthless, i tried to press charges aginst him for rape but he threatened to throw me and my unborn child off the local bridge when she was born I had to say I was lying and drop the charges, , i only escaped after I attempted suicide (dd1 was with her dad) by burning the house down, I was sectioned and dd1 was put in care with social services (foster care) until I came out and I was then placed into mother and baby unit untill I was proved to be able to cope with dd,

When I was allowed my dd full time alone I was I got a property in a new town (as i never spoke to my family again)
i then met my fiance now with a daughter who is 2.

and this letter has dropped a bombshell on our happy life as we never thought he would want to know her,

aibu to stop the contact and make it go to court as he is unsafe to her at all (he was arrested for rape a few years we got together)

Oh that's sounding good.

JSCandC, I just wanted to send you a message of support over what you're going through. I hope that it all works out and you can put this nasty episode behind you. No real practical advice to add, just didn't want to read the thread and not comment.

As an aside, can I exhibit a huge over violent fathers, paedophiles etc being granted access? I have no experience of family courts, so this came as a huge surprise. These people wouldn't be allowed to register as childminders, work as teachers etc, so why are their children subjected to them? And those re-educations centres sound like something from The Handmaid's Tale

your sol is recommending going straight for the psych assessment?? be aware,they cost loads,thousands

a full section 7 report might be enough to get limited contact,but a forensic psychiatric assessment costs alot and aren't ordered often(my sol said this to me)

also,further recommendations from the psych was for contact to go ahead supervised. psychiatrist actually had in his report that my ex had once intended to kill me (whilst attempting to strangle me,he let go when i went limp,i faked unconciousness)then 5 pages on from that he said ex had a personality disorder and further reports from a psychologist would be advised,but in meantime,contact should go ahead,albeit,supervised.

i was very lucky i was on legal aid,because that report and 2 years in family court would have been a horrific bill.

am assuming you will be needing DNA testing and strand tests too

claire,its not a case of the fathers being granted access,more a case of the childrens rights to know their father (good or bad) being upheld.

parents dont have rights,only responsibilities

What SunCottage said on the first page.

You don't have to let him at all - there is nothing beneficial in this for the child involved, and every reason to fear for her safety if there is any contact at all.

You should have the principle say here - you've got more power than you think you have. There's old stuff resurfacing here, stemming back to you being afraid of his power (I do understand that).

Listen to all your alarm bells, let her school know not to respond to him under any circumstances if he contacts them or shows up. Watch over her carefully, contact every authority you can for a heads up. Let family and friends know, even have someone come to stay with you for a bit?

YANBU.

I can't offer any advice and you have already been offered some excellent advice on here - and it sounds like you are doing everything right anyway tbh. I just wanted to add that you shouldn't let your old mental health status worry you. I think there would be something wrong with you if you DIDN'T suffer mantal health problems after what you went through and with so little support from your family. And the fact that you have made such an amazing recovery now you have got him out of your life just proves that your depression was reactive to your situation and not down to some inherent flaw in you and just provides further evidence of how toxic this man's influence is. So keep having faith in yourself.

And I am all for fathers being able to see their children, but I sadly don't think he cares at all about your daughter. He is just doing this through a sadistic desire to control you still now you have moved on with your life. Just keep resisting him at every turn in a calm and dignified way and hopefully eventually he will get fed up or the courts will see your side. Sounds like that is what you intend to do anyway. Good luck. x

no advice, but good luck with keeping this vile man away from you and your family

That's not entirely true toptulip. IME fathers have rights and mothers have only responsibilities. The Courts also put mother's in the situation of trying to meet these responsibilities whilst being actively hindered in their endeavours of having to meet the right of the father.

JSC I am so glad you have all that evidence, make sure you use all of it and make sure your solicitor uses it. My solicitor didn't use what evidence he had. Your solicitor does sound so much better than my ex solicitor was. Good luck with your fight, you sound like a wonderfully strong woman who can do this.

what ARE the fathers rights then??

as per the childrens act,the parents have responsibilities.

parental responsibility would put him on an even footing with the op with regard to schooling,medical issues etc. doesnt automatically give him contact though.

op are you going to sign the papers for PR?

Is his name on the birth cert? That gives PR, doesn't it? If not, resist it at all turns. Not because she can't have it explained in an age-appropriate way when she's older, just to prevent him from having any right to turn up and spoil things. He really is only thinking of himself, not whether he's got anything to offer her. If he were thinking of her, he would be civil to you, ask YOU if she was OK, if she needed anything, etc.

Everything you've said indicates it's a desperate struggle for some degree of control over you. Do be careful, especially at the moment. Christmas can bring out the best and the worst in people, he will only be thinking of all the things he THINKS he's entitled to atm. And getting resentful... don't want to scare you, just advising caution.

missmehalia....if he takes it to court he will get PR straightaway. i think op needs to pick her battles as it wont go down well in court if she's obstructive from the off......it will all unravel in court anyway

missmehalia....op hasnt given him a number/address so he can't ask her anything

Well Tiffany in my experience I have to do all the running about for his contact. I make sure she has food and clean clothes even when she is with him. I cannot make plans for anything as he constantly changes his mind at the last minute when he is having dd and I have to change plans if I have made any. I had to decline the job that would have allowed me to financially support dd because XH kicked up a stink about me taking it as it didn't suit him. I am not allowed to take dd away on holiday without written permission from XH where as he can take her where the fuck he wants whenever the fuck he wants and doesn't even tell me.

So basically he can go where he wants, when he wants, do what he wants when he wants. Me I have to meet my responsibilities (I would do anything for dd btw) while trying to workout if it will suit him. He has the right to see dd and have fun and has the right to make my life hell.

ILove, I should have been clearer. I wasn't suggesting she pick a fight with him (I suspect he'd love that! It would be pointless.) I just mean I think that she should be passively resistant to it.

The longer the time span that DD doesn't see him, the more that is taken into account when the issue of contact is decided upon, surely. Also, the older she'll be, and therefore slightly less vulnerable.(And, no, I'm not a lawyer, I've just had empty threats made by an absent known-to-be-violent,-controlling-and-weird bio about visitation rights, etc, and in my case just refusing to rise or respond worked a treat.) If I'd rushed out and got a solicitor, written to him, etc it would have given the situation more oxygen.

Yes stitch. I had 4 dc with my abusive ex. Thank god he got zero contact.

I wasn't so lucky Tiffany, not only does hehave contact he has almost complete control over my life.

how is that happening? and why?

only a quick reply tonight, as my family got in touch through my 12year old brother and said my nana died yesterday.

dd bio dad does not have pr and he is not on the birth certificate, as he was to drunk to come and sign it.

I have phoned my sol back after finding out how much a psych assesment will be and I can not physiccaly afford one yet unless it is a final solution so she is going through to get a section 7 report first, I have told her school, he was also on the blocked list at school, so they wont give any info out about dd if he tracked us down as we have a name that is not common so if he could be bothered he would be able to find us.

I have also spoken to social services and someone will be comming to see me after christmas and new year, as they will need to check the records as it is a different office that dealt with us before.

I will try to reply when I can

Sorry for your loss :( hope you are coping with that as well as you can.

Having been through the system I know how incredibly annoying & frustrating the family court is. My ex does have PR as we were married at the time and whilst the issues we had were no where near as bad as yours they were enough for me to have concerns about him having contact with DS. I can only second what a lot of people have already said, keep calm and don't panic. I have a long history of depression with the ex tried to use as a stick to beat me with in court but it didn't work in the long run. Just be concise and honest about past issues, keep a record of any contact either through the solicitors or if he manages to contact you directly (I resorted to a hidden dictaphone to record conversations with him as he told so many lies). Eventually if you give him enough rope he'll hang himself anyway but the key is to remain detached and unemotive over it, he can never have a hold over you or your daughter then. Afterall she is your daughter not his, he just donated some genetic material.
My advice, don't just rely on your legal team for advice and information, do as much research as you can yourself so you are better equipped to deal with some of the legal crap, the internet is full of stuff, also try your local library, knowledge is power and the more aware you are of what could happen the more confident you will be in dealing with it.
It's a shit system but you have to play the game sadly, but you can and will win.

I can't add anything to this except good grief. What does dp think you should do? The systems sounds completely bonkers. If I were you I think I'd change my name and emigrate far far away.

yes,i did feel that the psych asessment could prove too expensive! section 7 is more routine and no point creating debt at an early stage

with men like this,you are really just playing a waiting game. he will more than likely give up. he's not working and on drugs. so limited cash he has wont be for travelling to court. if he repeatedly fails to turn up,then push to get him barred from repeat applications. make everyone very aware he's just applying to court to scare you and keep some control. courts are very used to seeing this.

this is how i got my section 91(14)....he is barred from further applications now for at least next 5 years without leave of court

Such good advice, ILove. I had exactly the same legal situation with DD (ie name not on birth cert), and he made half hearted attempts to sound off about access, legal rights, visitation, etc.

ATM he has NO legal rights. It could take a long, long time for biological links to be proven, for him to then push for visitation rights or PR, etc. It requires him to be stable, solvent and sorted for this to work. He is clearly an unstable person with a history of violence and drug use.

I really do suggest passive resistance, in other words NO response from you unless you have to respond within time frames. e.g. If someone's solicitor writes to you, you have up to six weeks even to ACKNOWLEDGE receipt of their letter and say you'll respond when all the information is to hand. (Law Society backs this one.) And even then your official response can be quite sketchy.

Like I say, play the long game, he'll never stay stable long enough to see it through. He can't be bothered. That's probably key to his past behaviour with women, it was easy for him to bully them. If he tries through the courts, it is far, far harder, as he has to use consistency and logic. Obviously not his forte.

So sorry to hear about your nan, it's a particularly sad time for it to happen. Try (if you can) to forget about all this stuff other than doing the obvious homework. My money's on him dropping it, he'll feel like too much of an idiot if he has to respond to the evidence about his character. Leave it with him..

dp thinks I should fight him and get no contact for dd with him and make him work for contact if he really wants contact he will be at every court hearing and make an effort. DP knows all about my ex as he is the one who has helped me back to where I am now (no depression)

I am researching all of the details online and I have put his name into google and it has came up with him being in the papers for crimes he has commited , I have not read all of the details on them as seeing his face has brought a lot of memories back.

The worst thing is my nana has passed away I am up in my old town with my little brother (he has lost our mam, an anunt, an uncle, grandad (3weeks ago) and now our nana all withing 7years, and I cant have dds with me as this is where me ex lived last time social servixces knew where he was and they are not allowed up for their safety so they are with MIL,

Well, men like to be proactive in drawing the line, and naturally your dp would like to protect you both. That would be his way of doing it. Try to find a compromise that doesn't divide you. I think it's important, after all you've been through with the bio, that YOU are the one to have the final say on what is done here (including deciding to stand back and do nothing). It's important for you to find your way of resolving this. If you have a man sort this for you, you haven't taken hold of your power anymore than any other time. I don't mean to diss your dp, I'm sure he's lovely, but maybe this is about you as well as your DD. There will always be connecting threads there as long as the old dynamic continues - that is, your ex bullying and controlling, and you having to submit whether you like it or not. Sorry, I know that's very close to the bone, but... you can exercise some power here if it's important to you. Only you can know.

I have had my worst nightmare and met with my ex partner face to face as I was walking to the shop and ended up walking into him (not properley walking into him)
He was off his head on something either drink or drugs, as his pupils was tiny and the way he was, it is hard to explain,

I walked on with my dad and the ex started shouting "you fucking stupid bitch, you are a nutter and I wouldnt be surprised you are not abusing dd, if I see you around here again I will physically kill you then claim dd, It is my town now and you dont belong here and my gang will slash your throat in front of dd (he dont know about dd2) then drown your body and I will never be found out, infact I will follow you home and kill you both I enjoyed raping you every day and punching your face in, its a shame I never slashed your bonny face"

While he was shouting this at me he wouldnt let me pass him so he was in front of me and my dad and was screaming at my face, (with spit flying all over us) there was no other way passed him as he was 10 or 11 other men and women. and it was a slim alley way that we were walking through,

Luckily my dad was recording the full lot as he seen him ahead and thought he would say something to me,

Does anyone know if the police would accept this as threat to kill me?

It was a very scary experience, I just want to get home and never set foot here again but I know my little brother especially need me at the moment,

I am just so thankful that I never brought dds with me, even though I miss them so much (I see them for a few hours a day then go back to my family to help with funeral and help with my 12 year old brother, he will only talk to me and the gps are concerned about him so I need to get him to open up) After the funeral on monday, I will be home for good and not come back up here again.

I have also found out that a cousin of mine talks to ex (I only found out by my cousin asking me if I knew him and I know my cousing is on herion and crack cocaine amongst other drugs and alcohol,