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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Disown My Borther and Not Care Less He's Just Had Another Baby?

59 replies

midori1999 · 10/12/2010 12:31

My Mother rang me last night to tell me my brother's girlfriend has just had her baby. My Mother knows I won'tnbe interested and I know no details other than it's a girl, which I knew anyway.

My brother works in a shop for 16 hours a week, they apparently don't give people more hours than that. He has two DC from a previous relationship (both 'accidental', as was this one apparently... Hmm) and although does see them refuses to get a proper job to pay their Mum proper maintenance as he 'wants to see his girlfriend as much as possible'. He left the mother of his two children for his current girlfriens after having an affair with her, which he constantly denied to my Mother and made his ex out to be a mentalist who ws trying to stop him seing his DC.

Brother and current girlfriend smoke pot, she smoked it whilst pregnant, which he agreed with as apparently it helped with her morning sickness.... Hmm

They were living with her Dad until late in the pregnancy, the Dad is on benefits too. Brother and his GF were gobsmacked a baby wouldn't get them a council house/flat and so are renting privately, paid for by housing benefit.

I feel sorry for his DC, but feel no emotional connection at all to my brother. He is quite a bit younger than me, so we didn't really grow up together. I wouldn't choose to be friends with someone like that, so why stay on touch purely because he is my brother? (well, half brother actually) I really want nothing more to do with him.

Am I just a heartless bitch?!

OP posts:
LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 10/12/2010 12:33

I'm not sure I understand Confused

Are you pissed off with him as he only works part-time?

Do you think he should be working full time?

LaWeaselMys · 10/12/2010 12:34

YANBU to think he is a major tosspot.

I feel a bit sorry for the kids though. It might be nice for them to have a relative with a different view on life.

autodidact · 10/12/2010 12:36

You sound pretty heartless from this post, yes. But one post does not a person make so it's difficult to say for sure.

Thingumy · 10/12/2010 12:36

You don't get on with your sibling.

Shit like this happens.I say get on with your life and tell your mother you aren't interested in hearing about his actions from now on in.

ClaireDeLoon · 10/12/2010 12:38

YANBU to have nothing more to do with him if that is what you choose.

VinegarTinselTits · 10/12/2010 12:40

So you have practically disowned him because he claims benefits and works 16 hrs ? Hmm

TBH how he lives his life is none of your business and we all make mistakes

he sounds immature and could probably do with an older sibling to give him some guidence in life, i think you got it spot on in your last sentence, but im sure there is more to come so will wait for the drip

FioFio · 10/12/2010 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

jade80 · 10/12/2010 12:46

I think those people who don't see the problem either didn't read your post or think the things in it are somehow reasonable. YANBU.

Poor children from his old relationship, his poor ex, and even more so, his poor new child- as it sounds like the new baby has two stupid parents not just one. What was the mother thinking smoking pot when pregnant. Selfish cow.

BootyMum · 10/12/2010 12:52

Agree with Jade. I would also be Hmm at brother's behaviour and priorities in life.
Would find it very difficult to be supportive of him at this time as his choices seem to be a bit self centred.

Original poster
midori1999 · 10/12/2010 13:15

I don't not get on with him, I don't really know him. I left home when he was 6 (I was 16) and although stayed in regular touch, didn't really have any sort of relationship with him.

In short, my problems are:

-Yes, he works part time, but doesn't see why he should get a full time job, as this would affect the time he can spend with his girlfriend. He hasn't tried to get a better job. He left his old (full time, well paid) job when his ex GF was pregnant, precisely so he could spend more time with her.

-he and his girlfriend smoke drugs and think it is fine to do so whilst pregnant.

-he probably was unhappy in his previous relationship, otherwise presumably he wouldn't have had an affair, but that is no reason to have treated his ex GF like absolute shite.

-surely after one 'accidental' child you'd read up on contraception? After two you'd definitely do something? I don't believe the third was accidental at all (or if it was they weren't exactly being careful! Hmm) and they clearly can't afford a child themselves.

-Why is he having more DC when he can't afford to properly support the others? On one occasion he had his son (not allowed unsupervised access to DD) and had to buy him suncream, then ranted to my Mother about what a cheek his ex had not providing it and that he had to pay for it and that he should be able to deduct it from the £5 a week maintenance he has to pay.

I do feel sorry for his DC. His ex GF is not very clever and may have learning difficulties we think, (she can't read and didn't have a great upbringing) but according to my Mother she is a good Mum and she's a lovely girl. I don't live nearby, so don't really see family often in any case, we mostly stay in touch by phone.

OP posts:
juneybean · 10/12/2010 13:16

You forgot to capitalise the A in and...oh wait...

Original poster
midori1999 · 10/12/2010 13:16

Sorry for the dreadful typing, I am dreadful at typinbg but also have a sick child asleep next to me and fidgeting.

OP posts:
VinegarTinselTits · 10/12/2010 13:54

i have 2 'accidental' children and i know all there is to know about contraception thanks, maybe you need to read up a bit to know that no contraception is 100% effective, accidents happen

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/12/2010 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spidermama · 10/12/2010 14:03

YABU.

You sound mean and judgemental. Perhaps he's better off without such a nasty sister who clearly takes it upon herself to disapprove of every aspect of his life.

By the sound of it you don't know him because you haven't bothered to try. That's very sad. Siblings are precious.

I think there's more to it than meets the eye. He has upset you or judged you somehow perhaps?

mogwhistle · 10/12/2010 14:07

I don't think YABU. Live your life and leave him to live his. I really wouldn't waste time fretting about him if you don't care to have a relationship. I've had similar experience with a sister (she doesn't approve of my life and I don't give a shit about hers).

I think the "blood is thicker than water" thing is crap , if you don't like/get on with someone then it doesn't matter if you are related or not, just cut them out. Life is too short.

methodsandmaterials · 10/12/2010 14:21

If (you feel that) your brother is a lost cause then fine.. I'm just wondering why you have so little interest in your new niece. Did you even bother to ask her name? She's just an innocent baby who's had the misfortune to be born to parents who sound irresponsible and juvenile. Hardly her fault FGS.

RockinRobinBird · 10/12/2010 14:29

You do sound mean and very judgy. As far as I can see it you've got two options. Try to forge a relationship and see if you can be a little bit of the stable influence that you obviously think they all need. Or you can turn your back and bitch about them all on a forum. Up to you but I know which is the more mature.

cumbria81 · 10/12/2010 14:32

You are unbelievably judgemental.

So your brother has made choices you don't agree with? Big deal. He's your BROTHER and, as far as I can see, apart from being unfortunate choices they are necessarily illegal/immoral and do not affect you directly.

You are being very snooty. Do not underestimate the importance of family. Now is the time to build bridges, to get to know his kids, to be an involved auntie. Not to disown him.

sue52 · 10/12/2010 14:39

He does sound like a user however he is your Brother and the baby your Niece. Try to be there if he needs you, no matter how much his behavior has disappointed you.

hairyfairylights · 10/12/2010 14:43

"I feel sorry for his DC, but feel no emotional connection at all to my brother. He is quite a bit younger than me, so we didn't really grow up together. I wouldn't choose to be friends with someone like that, so why stay on touch purely because he is my brother? (well, half brother actually) I really want nothing more to do with him. "

For this reason alone, YANBU. It's up to you if you bother with him or not.

the rest is probably none of your business (not saing it's right though)

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 10/12/2010 14:46

If you don't like him you don't like him. The fact that through accident of birth you share the same parents is meaningless.

If you don't want him in your life, that's your choice.

I really don't get the whole 'family at any cost, regardless of whether you actually like them' thing.

Original poster
midori1999 · 10/12/2010 14:50

I probably would be there for him if he ever really needed something, but he doesn't want to or see why he should help himself and I find it incredibly annoying.

I have spoken to him once only in probably the last five years. That was at my Nan's funeral last year.I don't/have never had a phone number/address for him, he doesn't/has never had mine. So it's not like having nothing further to do with him is going to make much difference really.

I don't blame the baby at all (no, I didn't ask her name, my Mother knew I wasn't really interested and actually said 'I know you're probably not interested, but I thought I'd better tell you they had the baby') but I feel like she is the baby of a stranger really.

OP posts:
MarineIguana · 10/12/2010 14:51

I don't think you're heartless; you don't like him and as you say, if you weren't related you wouldn't want to know him.

I feel like this about a sibling but they want a relationship and want to be close so it's very difficult and I feel under a lot of pressure. I don't feel I can deny them seeing my DC.

But it does piss me off that a lot of people think you owe someone something because they are blood related, no matter how they behave. No wonder so many families are such a nightmare... a lot of people would be better off not bothering IMO!

laughinglil · 10/12/2010 14:52

Life is too short. If you lose contact and have no relationship one day you will regret your actions. I feel sorry for your mum .

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