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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Disown My Borther and Not Care Less He's Just Had Another Baby?

59 replies

midori1999 · 10/12/2010 12:31

My Mother rang me last night to tell me my brother's girlfriend has just had her baby. My Mother knows I won'tnbe interested and I know no details other than it's a girl, which I knew anyway.

My brother works in a shop for 16 hours a week, they apparently don't give people more hours than that. He has two DC from a previous relationship (both 'accidental', as was this one apparently... ) and although does see them refuses to get a proper job to pay their Mum proper maintenance as he 'wants to see his girlfriend as much as possible'. He left the mother of his two children for his current girlfriens after having an affair with her, which he constantly denied to my Mother and made his ex out to be a mentalist who ws trying to stop him seing his DC.

Brother and current girlfriend smoke pot, she smoked it whilst pregnant, which he agreed with as apparently it helped with her morning sickness....

They were living with her Dad until late in the pregnancy, the Dad is on benefits too. Brother and his GF were gobsmacked a baby wouldn't get them a council house/flat and so are renting privately, paid for by housing benefit.

I feel sorry for his DC, but feel no emotional connection at all to my brother. He is quite a bit younger than me, so we didn't really grow up together. I wouldn't choose to be friends with someone like that, so why stay on touch purely because he is my brother? (well, half brother actually) I really want nothing more to do with him.

Am I just a heartless bitch?!

OP posts:

RockinRobinBird · 10/12/2010 14:56

And a lot of people would be better trying to work at things first before deciding that they can't be fucked with it all. Everyone is so bloody expendable. I really don't understand this why should you give a damn just because you share parents attitude. Unless the person in question is an utter shit, and we all know the sorts of reasons why they would be, then I think you do owe it to your parents etc to try a little bit harder with family.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 10/12/2010 14:58

"Life is too short."

I agree. Why waste any of it on people you dislike because they happen to be swimming next to you in the gene pool?

FanjoForTheMincePies · 10/12/2010 15:00

do you read the Daily Mail?

mogwhistle · 10/12/2010 15:00

In a perfect world all families would live just like the Waltons in a 30 bedroom house all saying nitey nite in jovial loving fashion. It's not. Some people in families just don't get on. Fact.

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 10/12/2010 15:00

"I really don't understand this why should you give a damn just because you share parents attitude"

Was that in response to me?

imo - it's meaningless. An accident of birth. I don't think that means I owe someone anything.

Same way I am not proud to be british.

Accident. I didn't achieve it. It means nothing.

MarineIguana · 10/12/2010 15:13

"And a lot of people would be better trying to work at things first before deciding that they can't be fucked with it all"

Well RRB, I did try for let me see 39 years with this particular person before finally realising I had to express myself about how unhappy the relationship was making me. I really tried and put up with a hell of a lot of shit in the process.

A great many people endure appalling behaviour from family members or try to rub along with people they can't stand because they're family - what a waste of time.

BellyLikeABowlFullOfJelly · 10/12/2010 15:28

The OP is heartless? If the the ex girlfriend was posting saying her bastard x won't pay child support you would all say what exactly? Don't be so judgy? Bollocks. He's a twat. Don't speak to him, I would have his kids to visit though and try and undo some of the damage whenever possible

onmyfeet · 11/12/2010 09:28

Just stay as you are, and send the children cards and presents on the special days.

PonceyMcPonce · 11/12/2010 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alouiseg · 11/12/2010 09:42

Yadnbu! Why would you be interested in someone with such low standards and a penchant for damaging unborn children with drugs. I sympathise with ypu greatly as I have a brother who is a waste of space.

Relationships should be reciprocally supportive and enjoyable, I wouldn't waste my time and emotional energy on someone like that.

I have also made it crystal clear to my family that I will not be enabling or indulging my brother who happens to be a grown man. If they want to see him that's their lookout.

taintedsnow · 11/12/2010 09:47

You sound horribly judgemental on the issue of benefits, so YABU about that. But YANBU about the drugs and such.

You're probably much better off without each other tbh, but to write off your niece because of those things is quite heartless.

lowrib · 11/12/2010 09:54

YABU and judgemental. As someone else has pointed out your brother probably could do with the guidance of an older sister, and it would be great for your niece to have an aunt with a different kind of life for her to be a part of.

Yes, you are being a cow, and I think it's a terribly sad loss for the little girl - you are her aunt, and you are rejecting her.

Avoidingargosthischristmas · 11/12/2010 10:07

YANOTBU! He sounds like a prize tool! I don't actually think you are being particularly judgey about him being on benefits, he works for 16 hours a week with three kids!? He needs to get off his arse and sort that out for starters.

Shame about you not being in contact with his dc though they could probably do with a bit more positive input.

bibbitybobbitysantahat · 11/12/2010 10:13

Of course not. If you don't get on with him and disapprove of him then why should you make the effort? I'm afraid I think "blood is thicker than water" is a load of bollocks.

CrazyChristmasLady · 11/12/2010 10:22

I think YABU to want to disown him on the basis of having 'accidental' children with a couple different women and only working part time. It makes you sound a bit snobby. I have family that have lied to get council places and while it really bugs me that we were evicted from our flat when I was pregnant and the council wouldn't help us, I wouldn't not speak to them over it. I also have a cousin who isn't the greatest of people. I'll be civil when I see him but I wouldn't go as far to say that I will disown him.

However YANBU to not want much to do with him based on the big age gap and that fact that you don't have anything in common. I have a half sister who is 15 years younger than me. She is being brought up in the complete opposite way that I was, manners are clearly not important and she is a spoilt little brat. I don't see me having much to do with her when she is older. I don't go for this "we are related, therefore we must have a relationship", its bollocks. Like you said, you wouldn't choose these people as friends so why should you make yourself have a relationship with them just because you are unfortunate enough to share blood with them. I have another cousin who I won't give the time of day to, she is a horrible nasty piece of work and I make it very clear that I don't like her whilst the rest of my family (while agreeing with me) all fawn around her to 'keep the peace'. Bollocks to that.

spidookly · 11/12/2010 10:38

I agree with belly

His behaviour and attitudes are shite. They deserve to be judged harshly.

I would have nothing to do with a brother who behaved that way to my nieces and nephews.

Placing value on family means weeding out deadbeats like him.

huddspur · 11/12/2010 10:41

I don't know he doesn't sound like a great person but he is your family so I wouldn't just cut him off. Maybe I'm biased because I'm close to all my siblings.

Appletrees · 11/12/2010 10:46

His children need people in their lives who have a sense of maturity and responsibility, or they will grow up like him. It will do her hood to have you around. But yrs from the op he sounds like a lazy self indulgent bin end.

Janos · 11/12/2010 11:04

Good god at all these people who say YABU and even more so at those of you that think OP is a bitch!

He's a feckless, unfaithful idiot who can't be bothered to support his kids and encouraged gf to smoke drugs while pg. What's not to judge? FFS.

Limara · 11/12/2010 11:34

midori1999 It's a difficult one isn't it? They sound like awful people for they way they all lead their life but the one thing I've learned over the years is that you shouldn't judge people.

If I were you, I'd just let my bother know that I'd be there if him if he needed me-(even if you don't feel/mean it)

You rightly say you have nothing in common with him so no one could expect you to strike up a close relationship with him.

By 'being there for him if he needs you', you keep the communication lines open and maybe one day, be there to give good honest advice.

electra · 11/12/2010 11:40

I think you are very unkind not to want to know him just because of his circumstances. Is there more to this? Perhaps you've never got on well with him?

begonyabampot · 11/12/2010 11:48

how bad does someone need to be before you are able to judge someone - jesus - some of you lot will be sticking up for Hitler, Bundy and Jeffrey Archer next.

YANBU op as sounds like you already have went your separate ways - just a shame for his children as they sound like they need someone a bit more grounded in their lives.

gorionine · 11/12/2010 11:54

I do understand that you want nothing to do with your brother but what about your nephews/nieces? They could probably do whit someone a bit more "grounded" in their environment.

purits · 11/12/2010 12:00

It sounds as if this relationship is reciprocal. OP isn't fussed about her brother and he isn't fussed about her. It wasn't him that phoned with the news, it was mother.
So he can't even bother to phone her but you all think that she should bend over backwards to try to keep the relationship going?
Life's too short, OP: don't cut him off (for the DCs' sake, if nothing else) but don't kill yourself trying to turn him into something that he isn't. Don't fall into that female trap of trying to change men.

RevoltingPeasant · 11/12/2010 12:05

Yeah but Janos, HE might be a feckless idiot but his poor wee DD isn't. (Yet.) I don't know what the effects of smoking dope when pg are, but what if this baby turns out to have birth defects or some type of SN as a result? Will those parents give her the support she needs?

Myself, I think there is a BIG difference between cutting off family members who have been abusive towards you and cutting off those who just seem like tools. I have lots of opportunity in my family to ponder the shades of toolness involved, too...

Question I always ask myself is: if your mum rang you tomorrow and told you he'd been killed, how would you feel? Would you wish you'd done things differently? (The answer to that is the only reason I speak to some family!!)

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