It's official - I no longer exist!

[DrSeuss]

Another batch of cards this morning addressed to the mystery woman who lives in my house. I did not take my husband's name on marriage thirteen years ago, although I have no problem if others want to do so. I could understand if people addressed cards to X and Y Thingy, but what's with the whole Mr and Mrs X Thingy? My initial isn't X, my surname isn't Thingy. Et voila, I have ceased to exist! Most of these come from DH's family, who were at the wedding. I have learned to spell one Polish surname, one Italian and one Japanese in order to address cards to in-laws. Is it really asking too much for them to learn one simple English first name and a very short Scottish surname? I Know it's only a little thing but I do find it annoying!

HighFibreDiet, we get the same thing. I think it's a not-at-all subtle hint that we should get married :hmm

Agree with the Italian thing, Italian women do not take the men's names.

Therefore I haven't taken my husband's name. I always get called Mrs X (my husband 's surname) or Miss Y.

To be honest, I can't be bothered to fight it. I just let them be.

"I feel it is antiquated patriachal rudeness to address mail to Mr and Mrs [Husband's initial] [Husband's surname]. Women are no longer considered the property of their husband and should be entitled to being addressed by their own name and not be tacked on to their husband's name by virtue of being 'the Mrs'. Rude, rude, rude and has no place in modern society imo."

Actually, I disagree that it's rude in and of itself. It's only rude if the person addressing the encelope knows you don't like this and does it anyway.

I prefer being addressed as Mrs DH'sInitial OurSurname. Addressing me as Mrs MyInitial OurSurname is how I'd be addressed after getting a divorce (which I am not planning, btw!). Regardless of this, many people feel I "ought" to want to be Mrs MyInitial OurSurname, because that is apparently "more feminist". And to think that I thought that feminism was about having the freedom to make choices, and about getting rid of the idea that it's ok to tell women how they "should" think and behave...

my mum is getting more entrenched in the past as time goes by, so for each decade she lives, her 'social norms' age by a good 20 years. she acted all shocked when i was pregnant with dd that i was telling people 'too early' - well, i waited nearly 4 months til i had the all clear, and kind of thought it was my decision, not hers.

in fact, she's starting to hint that dsis & I should be supported by our husbands - so why did she insist that we both went to college to get good jobs?

YANBU - it is irritating.

But people are weird so I'm not surprised.

I am stalked by long dead people living in my house - I keep getting mail for someone who died 27 years ago. Every sodding christmas. Despite the fact we opened the cards and wherever possible sent a note back (ie if there was an address).

I got a card from my uncle and auntie yesterday and it was addresses to My Name and DH's Name.
I was sooo chuffed because that's the uncle i spent ages arguing debating with at the wedding that I wasn't taking DH's name (and the uncle who's most likely to do the wrong name just to torment me!)

I am glad I read this thread! I didn't realise that one is supposed to shut up about one's earned title if one's DH has a lower rank. (And you know how much I'm going to pay attention to this? )

Am currently reading Debrett's on forms of address. Chortle.

It's weird anyway. You don't call people you know 'Mr and Mrs Wotsit' do you? So why do envelopes get addressed like that?

I tend to address mine to Punch and Judy Wotsit, or Judy Wotsit. I only do the Mr and Mrs thing for newlyweds who are getting a thrill out of it, or very old people.

The husband's initial thing is totally archaic. I can't believe that's still considered correct anyway.

Exactly, I just use firstname surname, or even just first names. If I don't know someone well enough to feel I can use their first name, I'm not likely to be sending them a card in the first place.

I dislike the husband's initial thing - would address someone that way if I knew it was what they preferred, but wouldn't use it as the default, I think more people would be offended by it than by using the woman's own name/initial.

moonbell - i would like to quote from your link for those who said that Debrett's would argue against using the higher rank for the woman:

"The Rt Hon John and Mrs Brown

Mr John and the Hon Mrs Green

Mr and Mrs Thomas Grey

Dr John and Dr Jane Watkins

Mr Mark and the Reverend Hazel Pugh"

quite clearly gives the woman her correct titel, no matter what it might be.

the man is always first, of course, but the woman's title is correct and in full.

also:
Mr John and the Venerable Mary Eyre
Mr Peter Jones and the Chairman of Board of Governors Mrs Mary Jones, CBE

and here

"Married Women

Traditionally, it is considered incorrect for a married woman or a widow to be addressed by her own forename or initials, as this implies that her marriage has been dissolved. However, it is becoming increasingly customary for married women and widows to use their own forenames and initials, and many people consider it acceptable.

Some women, especially actresses or those engaged in business, choose to retain their maiden names, in which case many prefer the prefix 'Ms' in place of Mrs and Miss."

Debrett's says that's correct, so it is, and that means it must be recognised and respecrted.

respected

We never use titles in my country, and after reading all this, I am rather relieved that we don't. Am at people having to address their own children as Dr SoandSo.

I kept my name when I married, but I didn't tell people unless they asked, so I got a few letters to Ninive Husbandsname, but once I enlightened the writers I haven't seen more. If they had persisted in using my DH's name I would think them rude.

As I said, we don't use titles in my country. For the last few months, we've been living in the UK, though, and I have discovered a new source of irritation and frustration! Every single place you want to register wants your title. I especially love the ones where there's a long list of aristocratic and military titles as well as Mr/Miss/Mrs/Dr.. Thing is, I've registered as Ms every time. Still, each and every one of them persists in addressing me as Miss when they send me letters (probably because of not having DH's name). If they want you to tell them what title to use, how come they still use a different one? Even when I speak of DH as my husband, they keep calling him my boyfriend and calling me Miss They also have this thing where even though I'm the one who's contacting them and making all the arrangements, they still address my husband like he's the only person in the household in the position to enter into an agreement. I suppose it's good for my blood pressure that we're going home soon...

I've always been curious about how you pronounce Ms - does it really sound any different from Miss?

Ninive, it has a more snake-like sound to it.

think of muesli

or "muss" with the muesli sound...

so it sounds more like "Mzzzz".

(vs. than the crisper "miss" which sounds like "kiss", shorter)

Ninive "Am at people having to address their own children as Dr SoandSo."
don't worry, it's only on the envelope!

"don't worry, it's only on the envelope!"

I sincerely hope so!

YANBU..................however.............I have been married twice have taken DH name both times...........my Dad still adresses things to me as my maiden name

frgr aha, thanks!

but if someone sent a signed-for letter, how would Dr Y Seuss even prove that she has anything to do with that Mrs X Thingy it is addressed to? She does not have any ID identifying her as Mrs X Thingy.

The cards were from DHs family then I don't think it's so much to ask that they would learn her name in 13 years.

You see I avoid all this by being too sodding lazy to send cards!

but if someone sent a signed-for letter, how would Dr Y Seuss even prove that she has anything to do with that Mrs X Thingy it is addressed to? She does not have any ID identifying her as Mrs X Thingy

Exactly. I had to pick up a registered begging letter from our apartment's management addressed to Mr & Mrs DHname despite our informing them of our names when we bought the flat. I had a hell of a time trying to persuade the postie to hand it over. I wrote to the management company telling them if they wanted us to pay their money demands they'd better start getting my name right (I deal with our finances). The most insulting thing is that we had to pay an admin fee to change the owners names when we bought the flat so they had charged us a fairly substantial amount money to be ignored

You mean like when my BIL sent a registered package to my four year old?! It was hard work trying to explain to the bloke at the PO that DS didn't really have any ID and so couldn't collect his parcel, which I knew to contain a cuddly Spiderman. Eventually,he accepted a bill in my name and DS's book bag as proof that I had a child of that name. Told you the in laws lacked common sense!

OMG DrSeuss - that is bureaucracy gone mad!

Pmsl though at having to bring in your DS bookbag as proof. What if he had been younger at not at school, what would you have done then lol???

i'm really please to see that debretts is up with the times. it was my mum who insisted that women shouldn't use their title if they outranked their dh, now i can tell her that debretts says they can. that will cause some puzzlement - how could debretts get it wrong? it wasn't like that in her day etc etc

this thread's making me realise just what complete tosh it all is, and that we should just use any sensible name that we know people by.