Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be totally mystified by this

105 replies

tundra · 06/12/2010 16:27

My brother agreed to lend me £200 to help me get through christmas etc, we've done it before and I've always paid him back. I went round to pick the cheque up this morning but SIL has decided he's not lending it. She said she runs the finances now and she's decided we aren't going to lend to me any money. I said that my brother had agreed to which she said I'm the breadwinner (brother is currently unemployed) and so I will decide how and where money is spent and that unfortunately he agreed the loan without getting her approval and she doesn't agree.

I've got someone else to lend me the money so its not a problem but it seems quite sinister. I'm a lone parent and have never co-habitted but is this the way households with one working person works, the non-working person has to ask the working one whether they are allowed to spend/lend money etc.

OP posts:
ilove · 06/12/2010 16:31

gets popcorn, settles on the sofa...

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 06/12/2010 16:33

Why would you borrow from your unemployed brother?

And yeah of course they should decide how family money is spent.

BlueFergie · 06/12/2010 16:34

Well obviously everyone is different. I am a SAHM and I would not lend money without checking with my husband first, although we have an agreement that lending money to siblings is fine. Equally though he wouldn't lend moeny without clearing it with me either. In this house he earns the money and I manage the finances so everything has to go through me.
I think your SIL was quite rude to you, but maybe they don't have the money to lend now your brother isn't working and he didn't realise this when he agreed to lend it to you.

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 06/12/2010 16:34

Er, why is it sinister? He agreed to lend you money that wasn't his. The person it actually belonged to said no. I'm not seeing anything sinister.

madsadlibrarian · 06/12/2010 16:34

May be a way of putting pressure on him to get a job?

Admire her front though - I wish I was that, erm, assertive.

kitbit · 06/12/2010 16:34

How she handled it was a bit rough perhaps, but she does have a point. If finances are shared, there's usually some sort of agreement on the spending. Nothing to do with her being the breadwinner really, just a "shared money" situation.

I trust dh to make executive decisions on spending as he does with me, but usually we discuss and agree first.

ShatnersBassoon · 06/12/2010 16:36

YABU to be mystified. Their financial arrangements are none of your business, and your SIL obviously considers your financial arrangements none of her business. It seems fair to me.

gingernutlover · 06/12/2010 16:36

it is normal to discuss lending household money with the other person yes - why do you find that strange?

is it possible your borther wanted to say no but felt he couldnt and they came up with this instead?

Maybe next year put some money away each week to save for xmas instead of having to borrow from friends and family.

LadyViper · 06/12/2010 16:37

either:

a) she is very controlling and makes your poor brother feel guilty about spending "her" money
b) she is genuinely annoyed at him agreeing to lending a large amount at christmas that she might have had other plans for
c) neither of them wanted to lend it to you and your brother didn't want to say and she has agreed to be "bad cop".

I would say that big things like that would have to be agreed by both partners regardless of who earned it.

Lulumaam · 06/12/2010 16:37

I agree with teh other posters

£200 is not an insignificant amount ( I have just had to spend that on work on my car Sad which is not ideal at this time of year )

your brother is unemployed, so i would imagine his family finances are very tight

i would not lend a significant sum to anyone without checking with DH, ( main earner) and vice versa , even though i earn less. our family finances have to come first, and if there is spare to lend, great.

it's not sinister, you're pissed off you're out of pocket

look at ways to trim your xmas spending

and i thikn if you are not contributing to your own household in terms of paid employment, you cannot just carry on doing what you've always done financially without running it past your partner

MerryMarigold · 06/12/2010 16:39

A. Why are you in a position where you need to borrow this every year? If you know you're going to need it, why not save it over the year?

B. I think YAB very U to expect a loan when he is unemployed and I assume they have less money this xmas than they usually do.

C. Yes, loaning 200quid is definitely a joint decision! He can't possibly make that decision on his own.

gingernutlover · 06/12/2010 16:39

it might be that she's been pissed off at having to bail you out at xmas for the last years and finally had the balls to say soemthing.

I know I would be pretty pissed off if dh had agreed to do this without speaking to me.

Hassledge · 06/12/2010 16:39

I think it's fair enough of your SIL, tbh. Her only crime is embarrassing her DH in front of his family, but you don't know the background - and it does sound as though there have been some "issues"; the fact she's taken over the finances implies there were problems with his handling of them.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 16:40

Why don't you budget throughout the year for Xmas if you need to borrow money every time ?

It's not like Xmas just appears out of nowhere Xmas Hmm

YABU...your brother's domestic set-up is none your business

perhaps they need the money themselves, if he is unemployed ?

never a borrower nor a lender be, especially within the family...causes all sorts of problems (just like this one)

rookiemater · 06/12/2010 16:40

Ok it would have been nice if she had told you sooner in the year, but did you not think in advance about the fact that your brother is unemployed and they might not have the money spare this year .

Also how come if you manage to budget enough to pay your brother back each year, can't you just save this money in advance thus meaning you don't need to borrow it.

darleneconnor · 06/12/2010 16:41

So you don't think couples should make joint financial decisions? Hmm

lilyliz · 06/12/2010 16:43

brother opened his mouth to agree to quickly,he should have checked with wife first,not because she is now the breadwinner but out of respect to her.I have loaned money to friends and fasmily and so did DH but we checked with each other before agreeing,must admit though SIL could have been more tactful

Deliaskis · 06/12/2010 16:43

Your DB should have discussed the loan with her before offering it. At this time of year, it's highly likely that she had other plans for the money, so DB shouldn't have offered this loan from their shared money, without having cleared it with her first.

D

hellview96 · 06/12/2010 16:43

If you can afford to pay it back, why not save it up in the first place so there is no need to borrow off people at a time of year where money is tight?

beade · 06/12/2010 16:44

I think the only thing that worries slightly me is that she refers to herself so she is the breadwinner so its now her money and he has no say in it at all.

bupcakesandcunting · 06/12/2010 16:45

You're treating your brother and SIL like a cashpoint and she's had enough by the sounds of things. If your bro is unemployed then presumably times are tight for them too. I would put my foot down if I were your SIL.

Why not budget better for next year? I know you're a single mum but loads of women are and manage to budget. Seems a bit weird relying on your brother and SIL to get you through christmas.

ConstanceFelicity · 06/12/2010 16:47

YAB totally U!
Why would you need to borrow again and again? And from someone who's unemployed, too? I think you've put them in an awkward position by asking again and again, and I admire you SIL's guts.

Original poster
tundra · 06/12/2010 16:47

I don't rely on them I only borrow because I've had to spend money on fixing my house which was in a terrible state when I moved in 18 months ago.

OP posts:
ImeldaM · 06/12/2010 16:48

Don't think its sinister at all, I'm SAHM and wouldn't arrange loan to anyone without checking with DP first. Also would want him to do same, not £50 or so but £200, yes.

5DollarShake · 06/12/2010 16:50

Forgive me, but what unearth is there to be mystified about? Confused

If my unemployed husband leant his sister £200 of our money at Christmas I'd be freaking livid! Xmas Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread