to be totally mystified by this

[tundra]

My brother agreed to lend me £200 to help me get through christmas etc, we've done it before and I've always paid him back. I went round to pick the cheque up this morning but SIL has decided he's not lending it. She said she runs the finances now and she's decided we aren't going to lend to me any money. I said that my brother had agreed to which she said I'm the breadwinner (brother is currently unemployed) and so I will decide how and where money is spent and that unfortunately he agreed the loan without getting her approval and she doesn't agree.

I've got someone else to lend me the money so its not a problem but it seems quite sinister. I'm a lone parent and have never co-habitted but is this the way households with one working person works, the non-working person has to ask the working one whether they are allowed to spend/lend money etc.

Excuse me, I wouldn't lend my SIL a penny. That money is for me and my children. It wouldn't even be for P, he would just get enough food to keep him alive. Unless he was unable to work for a genuine reason

and why OP if you have needed to do this before didn't you sort yourself out so that you don't depend on loans for xmas. a fiver a week since start of jan would save you £200 by now.

Maybe it was to pre-empt you from pestering or maybe she thought you would go to your DB behind her back and still try to get the money.

Your brother was in no position to offer you the money. He wasn't offering cash which he'd earned, he was offering someone else's money.

As that someone else was his wife at the very least he should have asked her if she was in agreement with this arrangement. She was not and she declined to loan you her money.

I don't see the issue and I certainly don't see anything sinister in your SIL's decision.

YABU and YANBU. You shouldn't be relying on them to get you through. Having said that if my DH had done this I wouldn't have ripped into him in front of his sister I would have just denied the loan and given him blue murder when we were together

this is the way househlds SHOULD work, in that one party get's to veto the lending and spending habits of the other, regardless of who is working or not.

Your SIL is entitled to not want your brother to lend you her wages.

"Excuse me, I wouldn't lend my SIL a penny. That money is for me and my children. It wouldn't even be for P, he would just get enough food to keep him alive. Unless he was unable to work for a genuine reason"

Ooooooooh you heartless bastard

That apostrophe is taunting me like a turd on an antique rug. I am so sorry.

As AF pointed out lending money to family can lead to all sorts of trouble

< i know this through bitter experience >

Save up in future

Its impossible for us to tell. If the money was coming out of his account or was money that he had earnt before he was unemployed then there is cause for concern. However if the money was money coming out of a joint account that she had earnt then it is her choice as much as his whether to lend her the money.

The way she phrased the refusal of the loan does seem a little strong though. She could have just said they couldn't afford it without going into the I'm the breadwinner so I'm in charge rhetoric.

spikeycow- that seems a little harsh particulary on your P.

That apostrophe is taunting me like a turd on an antique rug

Hahahahaha!! Colditz, I shall be implementing that phrase as soon as I am able.

Which apostrophe?

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think the 'household money' business is a complete red herring. If the SIL is earning all the money then she is pying all the necessary bills. If the £200 was being scraped out of that money then the brother was being an idiot. If it was income left over then surely SIL gets first refusal on it - it is money she earned after all. So either the brother was offering money earmarked for the household expenses or he was, in fact, offering someone else's money.

I thought it was unlike you colditz

Well I was thinking in the context of my ex P actually, the useless full time Call of Duty playing arse

CoD IS very time-consuming though, tbf to your ex. It's a full-time job, is playing CoD.

Yeah, might forget the keeping alive bit altogether

Don't habitual CoD players just end up gnawing at their own arms after a while?

I bet you're younger than him OP and SIL got fed up of little sister needed bailouts from big brother

YABU but she did express the refusal in a fairly agressive way

Like Kungfu says she said that about the breadwinner after you'd tried to push it after she'd already said "no".
It sounds like they're feeing the pinch themselves and she doesn't want to be working to bail you out.
You should be annoyed with your brother for offerring you money that's not there and then not contacting you before you went round to get it.

at colditz

£200 is a lot of money for someone who's unemployed to lend to someone else who isn't working, especially over Xmas (I am assuming you're not working?)

If my DH and I were in this position I would be fuming if he had agreed to lend this amount to his sister before consulting me.

Sorry, but YABU. Perhaps your brother should have said no rather than let his wife do the dirty work.

'She said she runs the finances now and she's decided we aren't going to lend to me any money. I said that my brother had agreed to which she said I'm the breadwinner (brother is currently unemployed) and so I will decide how and where money is spent'

That comment actually makes me feel uncomfortable..and i really think she could have chosen her words more carefully.

but I agree in a family when money is being spent or lent a couple should consult one another ...we do.

I personally would not be fuming at my DH's offer to his sister I would just say we can't do it this year...