to be totally mystified by this

[tundra]

My brother agreed to lend me £200 to help me get through christmas etc, we've done it before and I've always paid him back. I went round to pick the cheque up this morning but SIL has decided he's not lending it. She said she runs the finances now and she's decided we aren't going to lend to me any money. I said that my brother had agreed to which she said I'm the breadwinner (brother is currently unemployed) and so I will decide how and where money is spent and that unfortunately he agreed the loan without getting her approval and she doesn't agree.

I've got someone else to lend me the money so its not a problem but it seems quite sinister. I'm a lone parent and have never co-habitted but is this the way households with one working person works, the non-working person has to ask the working one whether they are allowed to spend/lend money etc.

You do rely to some extent as you've said that the christmas borrowing thing isn't a one-off.

The long and short of it is that your SIL is perfectly within her rights to not want to loan you cash over christmas when her DH is out of work. Nothing sinister in it.

But you've 'always' paid him back. This isn't something that started last Christmas when you moved into that house, I suspect.

You can't whinge about people not lending you money. It's their prerogative, and you must understand that they might not have much spare this year.

I don't think its sinister but your SIL has a rather stern way of expressing herself by the sounds of it. If my DH had agreed to do this, I would have probably cancelled the proposed loan in a far more delicate way rather than ripping into him in this way.

Maybe they just can't afford it? My exh was out of work for 3 years and I supported the family - if he had lent £200 to someone without telling me, I would have been pretty pissed off.

Nothing sinister.

What she tells you might just be to get rid of you! It doesn't necessarily mean that she is controlling the cash. It might just mean that she knows your brother is a soft touch and can't say no to you.

You're borrowing money off them every Christmas, and even when she says no you try to get the cash because your brother has agreed? So she shouldn't be allowed to over-rule your brother on financial decisions but he should be able to over-rule her?

Well, maybe she's had enough? Perhaps she feels you're taking the piss - especially with your brother out of work?

You always pay him back - which means you are always borrowing money.

Perhaps she's had enough of it.

Maybe it's time to find a different way of budgeting than relying on loans? You don't want to sour your relationship with your brother over borrowing money.

Imagine a post on here from your SILs point of view.

My unemployed DH has agreed to lend his DSis money wihtout discussing it with me first. I now have to tell her we can't lend her the money and I feel bad about it. WWYD?

Does it sound reasonable to you? Most people in a relationship would ask their partner before lending money.

She sounds a bit of a tartar to me - but then I accept I live in a financial ivory tower

I don't know, I always worry when people start referring to themselves as the breadwinner and so they should control the finances. When DH was out of work I didn't assume full and total control of the finances but maybe they can't afford

YABU, btw.

smacks of genuine to me shineon. The composition, the vocabulary, the spelling etc. I have examined in depth .

Are they well well off?

It was just the whole I'm the breadwinner so I will dictate how all money is spent. If she'd said to me, we can't afford to then that would have been fine it was the whole I earn the money and so I control it that I found weird.

Maybe she can afford to but's just sick of lending you cash and doesn't feel she should have to explain herself to you.

While it's true that the 'I'm a breadwinner so I decide' is not a nice way to run a relationship, it's still far more mystifying that your DB thought it was OK to offer this money without discussing it with her first.

So I too would be mystified, but at your DB, not your DW.

D

Maybe she said that to stop you pestering?

I didn't pester her all I did was go round to pick it up as I'd arranged with my brother last Thursday

Maybe your brother neglected to check whether they actually had the funds available to lend to you? I am a sahm so don't earn anything and I would always consult with DH before parting with £200. Our financial decisions are made together.

I think you just have to accept it.

Your question in your op - "the non-working person has to ask the working one whether they are allowed to spend/lend money etc."

When you are a couple, you make financial decisions together. So if you feel she had no right to say no - you should also feel your brother had no right to say yes.

They should have discussed it and agreed.

He clearly just said yes without agreement - that's as bad as her saying no now.

No, worse actually, because he's taking family money out of the pot to lend it out without them both agreeing it.

She made the "I'm the breadwinner" comment in response to you pushing the issue by saying that her husband had agreed, according to your OP.

It's not really a mystery - your SIL is clearly pissed off that her non-earning husband has earmarked £200 of their household money for his sister who has borrowed before. She therefore pointed out, entirely understandably that it doesn't matter what he agreed as she does not agree and the money is legally hers.

Breadwinner says no.

when i was with EXp all money was joint money, so when his dad asked to borrow money (borrow as in take to pay gambling debts and never pay back) i expected EXp to ask me if that was ok. as it happened, it wasn't ok. am i wrong to have said no? am i controlling or sinister?

You sound financially lax and so is your brother by the sounds of it. Maybe SIL has had enough of this arrangement although I think she could have denied the loan in a more sensitive way.