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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I'm mean, am I?

122 replies

borderslass · 06/12/2010 07:51

Told DH last night that DD2[15] was only getting a stocking at christmas and got the look [eye rolling] explained that she's had a small fortune spent on having her room completely done out new furniture the lot. She's happy about it we discussed it before it was done I said it was her birthday [October] and Christmas present she said brilliant. I don't see a problem but he does.

OP posts:
TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 06/12/2010 07:56

I think your a bit mean too

do you have other children who she will watch opening presents?
which will be a little worse

what will she have in her stocking?

and HOW BLOODY MUCH did you spend on her room ?? Grin

sorry but how much can wallpaper and rugs be?

does a 15 year old really want a nicely decorated room above anything else? (material)

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 06/12/2010 07:57

oops missed the new furniture but, sorry but why did she have new furniture?
was the old stuff broken so time to be replaced, or was it her fault
did she ask for it?

I'm sorry
too many questions lol

GreenButton · 06/12/2010 07:57

Why can't he buy her something?

RobynLou · 06/12/2010 07:57

I think it's fair enough, she's 15, more than old enough to understand, if she was 5 it would maybe be different, but she's not.

Firawla · 06/12/2010 07:58

maybe just get her one thing to unwrap or a few cheaper things, if you will have other dc opening things? or atleast remind her now about her room so she wouldn't be expecting any presents & be disapointed?

FreudianFoxSquishedByAPouffe · 06/12/2010 08:00

Well I don't think you are mean as your DD agreed to this but I'd probably still get her something else. What about clothes, or something that she needs anyway?

MistletoeAndWhineWithMe · 06/12/2010 08:01

You might regret it Christmas morning.
My Mum once did it to me as I had just had my room done and a load of new clothes.
She always says (15 years later) that she felt guilty all day.
You could just get her a few smellies and a couple of DVD's and books.

Original poster
borderslass · 06/12/2010 08:04

She's the youngest and her furniture was broken because of her miss-treating it, she's come through with her behaviour in the last year or 2 she used to be quite a handful and had an horrific temper.Plus DD1 always persuaded her how to have the room and she left home earlier this year so it's her own room for the first time.
There is nothing she wants needs she will get the usual in stocking scents,CD, chocolate ,smellies etc I do spend a fair bit on the stockings.

OP posts:
TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 06/12/2010 08:06

well you sound less mean now then

seems right

I never spend much on stockings, but my kids are much younger

but couldn't you spend a little more and wrap some of her stocking pressies as presents for under the tree

I am hopeless, dont listen to me, I always give them too much, especially now

dmo · 06/12/2010 08:13

my sons tv broke in October, we did plan to buy him a new one for christmas so he got one in october early he was very pleased and understands, he is 14 btw

stickersarecurrency · 06/12/2010 08:15

I'd get a couple of finishing touches for under the tree - bedding, a picture, clock or something. Even just some candles or something. A token thing which relates to the main present of the room.

Callisto · 06/12/2010 08:17

Not mean in the slightest. My parents combined Christmas and Birthday for me and my brother if it was something expensive. It never made me feel deprived.

We always got lovely stockings with proper little presents though - things like jewellery etc.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/12/2010 08:17

I don't think you are being mean. I had lovely new furniture for my room one year that was in lieu of a big Christmas and birthday present. Mum and Dad spent a lot on it, much more than they needed to because it was what I wanted.
I can't remember what I got in the way of presents then at Christmas, but probably similar to what you are planning. Chocolates, smellies, books etc. I think I was about 11/12.

Didn't feel hard done by at all, because we had discussed it and agreed that was what was going to happen.

morethanasong · 06/12/2010 08:20

I think your plan sounds fine. I don't see a problem with 15yo choosing/agreeing to have a combined Christmas and birthday present. As long as she has some things to unwrap (which she will), it seems perfectly reasonable to me!

Trubert · 06/12/2010 08:23

If it's all been agreed up front then I think it would be inadvisable to change things.

Otherwise, next time you agree a joint present before Christmas, there will always be the thought that you'll probably start feeling guilty and buy extra presents anyway.

pooka · 06/12/2010 08:25

From about that age I quite often had combined Christmas and birthday presents (and my birthday is in June - so a LONG wait between presents).

I remember a particularly lovely Liberty duffel coat (had liberty print in the hood). And a stereo.

Hullygully · 06/12/2010 08:27

Of course you're not mean! You had an agreement you were both happy with, er, what's to argue with?

All this present business is a nonsense. We get the dc stuff when they need it, and if it's a big thing then it's part of next b.day/ xmas whatever - otherwise we'd never afford all of it.

Zondra · 06/12/2010 08:29

The decor for your kid's room should be paid for outwith birthdays & Christmas.

Most usual parents would shoulder the cost of redecoration because that's just what you do. That's just one of the costs of having children.

If you were childless & you were living in the house you are in now, would stay undecorated? You would have found the money somehow, I'm sure to kit it out. Instead, of finding a way to save your pocket at Christmas.

I think you are pretty mean.

I have noticed from a lot of recent posts on here that the meaner the better with children's Christmas presents seems to be lauded & a distinctly pious,worthy,smug tone is notable.

Bah, humbug!

Secretwishescometrue · 06/12/2010 08:37

Def not mean in the slightest if id gotten a stocking filled with scent, chocolates, smellies etc it would have been a brilliant present at that age! Esp after doing her room!! I'd just tell Dh ye arranged it already, she's happy about it, your not gona give her crap but some really nice stuff but you don't want her to be greedy or spoilt but if he's makin it out your a big meanie then let him brave the shops and get her sumit else.... Still think your totally right though :)

belindarose · 06/12/2010 08:40

I got bedroom furniture for my 18th birthday (mum was on her own and didn't have spare cash). I chose the furniture from an 'antique' (i.e. second hand) shop and loved it.
BUT she won't let me have it in my own house!! (17 years later).
Anyway, that's an aside. I don't think YABU. Maybe if she'd been younger it would have been nice (though probably impossible) to decorate the room as a surprise.

Trubert · 06/12/2010 08:44

Zondra, I feel you need more empathy with other people's situations.

'Most usual parents would' - bollocks. Most rich parents, perhaps.

Damn right the house would stay undecorated. Find the money somehow - build up debt on credit cards? Take out loans? FFS.

In this household, and in many more, there is not enough money to decorate rooms and have Christmas presents. If a child chooses to have its room decorated as its present, fine.

pagwatch · 06/12/2010 08:45

Not mean.
We bought 17 year old ds his bike last week.
On the day he will have stuff to unwrap but he wanted a bike and had to ve involved in choosing and fitting it.

Your dh is being silly....

Zondra · 06/12/2010 08:46

Belindarose, I actually meant to ask if op would be accepting of say, in 3 years time her dd moved out & took her furniture with her?
I mean if it's a present, it is hers to take?

Bonsoir · 06/12/2010 08:48

My DD is 6. For her fourth birthday/Christmas two years ago she had a desk and chair for her room, which was a joint present from her parents and both sets of grandparents. Last year, for her fifth birthday/Christmas, she had the matching wardrobe from the same people. This year she has had a matching shelf to go over her desk (Christmas present from us, already received). She had a pink desk lamp for her birthday from us.

So she just gets a stocking on Christmas morning.

She is incredibly happy with all her furniture and furnishings!

Zondra · 06/12/2010 08:54

So, only rich people decorate their kid's room & don't "charge" their children for decoration costs in lieu of pressies at birthdays & Christmas?

I think you are wrong.

Put it this way, Trubert, if the op felt entirely & utterly happy & content with this situation there would be no niggle & therefore no AIBU posting.
Even her dh thinks it's tight.

Btw- I am genuinely sorry for people who cannot afford to decorate bedrooms,etc.
I just find it far-fetched that only rich people would paint & paper their child's bedroom!

Oh, & what happens in the case of a nursery? Baby is born immediantly into debt & must get a paper round at 14?!