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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH thinks I'm mean, am I?

122 replies

borderslass · 06/12/2010 07:51

Told DH last night that DD2[15] was only getting a stocking at christmas and got the look [eye rolling] explained that she's had a small fortune spent on having her room completely done out new furniture the lot. She's happy about it we discussed it before it was done I said it was her birthday [October] and Christmas present she said brilliant. I don't see a problem but he does.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 06/12/2010 11:20

But the OP said that the stuff in the stocking is usually nice things to open?

She said that she puts smellies and cds and things in there.
People are saying that she will be disappointed because she needs presents when the stocking presents are bigger presents.

Since ds1 has been an older teen he gets fewer stocking things but they are books, dvds etc.

pagwatch · 06/12/2010 11:21

x-posted with Chaotic

ShanahansRevenge · 06/12/2010 11:22

When DH and I had our first Chritmas together we had just moved in together and he bught me A VEGETABLE STEAMER! Shock

He knows now that it's not ok.

SummerRain · 06/12/2010 11:23

My mother often arranged with me to have furniture or artwork as birthday and christmas presents (some because i fell in love with them, some because she did HmmGrin) but she would always have had a few surprises there for me on the day... even if they weren't expensive, maybe a few books or some cosmetics. I never expected her to do so but at the same time i'd be lying if i said my tenage self wasn't secretly hoping i'd have something to unwrap on the day.

I'm especially glad she did it that way now as she's kidnapped all my furniture and pictures and has them at her home so at the end of the day they were for her and not me!

TragicallyHip · 06/12/2010 11:28

Ah that was my devious ploy Zondra Wink

TottWriter · 06/12/2010 11:31

YANBU, OP. She's old enough to be sure about this, and it sounds like you've given her more than just a slap of paint, this is a whole new room.

Also, to other posters, I got DP a coffee maker for his birthday. Yes, it's a kitchen appliance, but it's hardly an essential one. I mean, we need the microwave (for sterilising at least), we neeed the oven and the fridge, but the cofee maker is a luxury item, because if you can't afford one you can still have coffee. If you don't have a kettle you can only biol water on the hob in a pan. FWIW, my mum got an expensive oven as a christmas prezzie too. To all those not in ivory towers, the more expensive appliances (as in, not the cheapest oven/fridge/microwave but a high end one) are luxuries just as much as a new telly or fancy car would be.

As it happens, DP loves cooking, so ideal gifts for him in thepast have been Le Creuset cookware and good quality knives. Likewise, for a girl who has a history of trashing furnitue (as the OP said midway through the thread) an entirely new and redecorated room would indeed be a gift, and backing down now and getting her extra could cause problems where she expects this treatmwnt again.

Not everyone has the money to just redecorate willy nilly. In the entire time I lived with my parents, my room was never redecorated purely for my benefit or to my taste. (My mum did magnolia everything when she decided to move but this just meant I was never allowed to personalise it after that and basically lived in a guest room all through my teens.) At my dad's house our room still had a nursery border on the wall from the people who lived there before he did. I was 20 when I moved out and he's only just redecorated. To me, having a room decorated how I wanted would still be an amazing birthday and/or Christmas present.

TottWriter · 06/12/2010 11:32

Drat. Typing one-handed leaves a lot of tpyos. Sorry. DD is fast asleep on my arm.

TragicallyHip · 06/12/2010 11:34

TottWriter Finally some agrees with me Smile

Kewcumber · 06/12/2010 11:36

you're bonkers Zondra the OP's DD is 15 not 5 and that would mean buying clotehs for teenagers for Xmas is mean and tight and they should only everexpect frivolous useless presents (regardless of what they actually want).

She nearly old enough to get marreid and have sex - and agreement that the new furntiure (not the decorating but definitely the furntiure) is her Xmas present is prefectly reasonable.

pallymama · 06/12/2010 11:46

YANBU, I agree TottWriter and TragicallyHip. I love cooking, have had many non-essential kitchen appliances as presents, from both my parents and DH, and I was very pleased to get them.
As a teen I would have been over the moon at having my room decorated how I wanted it. I think it's a brilliant present for the OPs DD. Xmas Smile

PinkElephantsOnParade · 06/12/2010 11:51

I agree Pally re room for OPS DD and kithen equip for those who have made it known that they would appreciate it.

Depends on who gives it really.

If it is given by someone who would benefit from it (ie coffe machine given by DH who also dreinks coffee) I would question how much of a present it really was Xmas Hmm

MrsTittleMouse · 06/12/2010 11:51

I'm sorry, but I don't see it as a bloody tragedy for a child to have a magnolia room, or to not have a specifically decorated nursery. Frankly, I think that "nurseries" are just a ploy to get hormonal sentimental parents and grandparent to pay out a fortune for pastel furnishings that they don't really need. I mean, a newborn doesn't care (and is normally in with the parents anyway). And then when they are toddlers, they sneak a crayon upstairs, and you can kiss goodbye to the lovely wallpaper. Or is that just mine? Grin

We are not "poor", my DH has a decent job and is doing well. But we still have four mouths to feed on one income and bought a house last year. I would rather save up some cash in case of emergencies, and have a bit of money to help our DDs through Uni, than have a beautiful house right now. We haven't decorated our room either, by the way.

Anyway, back to the OP - I love the idea of having a "finishing touch" to her new room as a small Christmas present. Even if it means a CD less in her stocking. Particularly as she has turned around her behaviour. I'm a great believer in bribery. :) But YANBU.

PinkElephantsOnParade · 06/12/2010 11:52

eek, that should be "coffee machine given by DH who also drinks coffee".

My e's are going walkabout! Xmas Grin

MrsTittleMouse · 06/12/2010 11:53

On a side note, my Mum bought my DH a coffee machine for Christmas a couple of years ago, and he was really chuffed. He likes coffee, and it's hardly an essential, is it?

tearinghairout · 06/12/2010 12:00

OP - sounds fine to me. Sounds as if you need to explain a bit more to DH, that DD is happy. WE are in a similar situation as my DD wants driving lessons - not easy to wrap and hugely expensive! Perhaps put chocs & tat non-expensive stuff in the stocking and put the CDs & perfume under the tree?

narkypuffin · 06/12/2010 12:04

Side-stepping kitchen appliances as gifts etc.

Borderslass the things you're putting in the stocking sound like proper presents, so I don't think you're mean. I would get her one thing not in the stocking though. Not because the other things aren't enough or because room decor isn't gifty enough, but because she won't be expecting it and because (I assume) you have other dcs who will have a lot more unwrapping to do.

She's old enough to get the room as pre Christmas gift thing but, if you can afford it, still young enough to appreciate it if you put something under the tree for her as an unexpected gift, even if it's a £5 snood or a DVD you found on sale.

MayorNaze · 06/12/2010 12:05

Tottwriter and Tragicallyhip, I get you :)

fwiw - i am actually hoping that i get a food processor for xmas Blush

i love to cook and don't consider it an essential applicance so for me, it would be a thread Grin

it doesn't even have to be a particularly posh one either - i would just rather something i really want as oppose to smellies i don't like or chocolates i won't eat :)

PinkElephantsOnParade · 06/12/2010 12:20

MrsTittleMouse - that's different, your mum isn't going to be using the coffee maker regularly so it is a proper gift.

MayorNaze · 06/12/2010 12:28

a thread?? good gracious i meant a treat Blush

WastingAway · 06/12/2010 13:01

Just noticed Zondra thinks its a 'crap situation' that I did the whole house magnolia, and is then accusing others of being materialistic. Xmas Confused

RobynLou · 06/12/2010 14:22

I'm getting a hand held vac from my mum for xmas....
DH is getting new glasses which he really needs from me...

classydiva · 06/12/2010 14:24

Why s hould the cost of her bedroom come off her christmas list? It is your responsibility to ensure she has a decent bedroom. When she leaves home she can't take it with her can she?

Agree with your DH.

Zondra · 06/12/2010 14:29

WastingAway- not at all! Didn't explain myself clearly.
I can't quite remember exactly what you wrote but, I'd interpretated it as you had only being able to whitewash your home & hadn't made any redecoration as right now it wasn't a priority as lack of money?

If I picked that up wrong I am sorry. I honestly, was sympathising as I thought you were unhappy with this & had no choice, therefore; crappy situ as you were unhappy.
Fwiw, I've always whitewashed all my flats & houses before I've got stuck in or saved up for what I really want.
It's a cheap & easy way to make everything look bright & uniform. :)
In fact, my house is mostly painted white throughout at the moment!

There was no malice meant.

MerryMarigold · 06/12/2010 14:30

I think it's a great idea (stickersarecurrency) to get a small gift that 'goes' with the room. A lampshade, some candles, a comfy cushion to laze on the bed - whatever...something under 20 quid but can remind her of the 'main' gift.

I don't think it's mean to 'do' a room as a present. I remember getting Ikea furniture as a Birthday and Xmas present. 22 years later I still have the chest of drawers!

Some people spend a lot on Xmas (too much imo) and some people don't. If you are a family that generally don't go overboard on presents then I'd say this is totally fine and acceptable. If your other dd is opening an Apple ipad, then maybe you should get her something else!!!

Ephiny · 06/12/2010 14:31

It sounds reasonable to me, and if she's happy with the arrangement then I don't see the problem. It's nice for her to have some bits and pieces to open on Christmas day with everyone else, but don't think you need to go beyond that.

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