Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you allow your husband to meet his woman friends ?

223 replies

splendid · 04/12/2010 07:48

Do you allow your husband to go to dinner or travel with his female friend just two of them?

OP posts:
xkittyx · 06/12/2010 22:44

I trust my partner completely. I also wouldn't bring allow into it - he's an adult. It honestly just wouldn't occur to either of us to do something like go for dinner with an opposite sex friend. I just couldn't picture any circumstances where that would happen. To be fair it's not like he goes out for dinner with male friends either - I can barely drag him out for dinner with me!
I am a professional woman but my job has never so far involved much in the way of dining just with one male collegue.

Mumcentreplus · 06/12/2010 22:52

'I also strongly suspect that those of us who find male/female friendships a normal part of life are often professional women: to us, it is a normal part of life to spend our days talking to men we are not married to'

hahaha...are you serious?...a work relationship/colleague is different to a friend

thecaptaincrocfamily · 06/12/2010 22:56

Oh yes and he invites them back to stay the night Xmas Grin, we do have a large bed but I do draw the line there! Xmas Grin Xmas Grin

thecaptaincrocfamily · 06/12/2010 22:57

FWIW I have some good male friends who DH wouldn't bat an eyelid at me going out for dinner with.

cory · 06/12/2010 22:59

"hahaha...are you serious?...a work relationship/colleague is different to a friend"

speak for yourself

pretty well all my best friends and longest-lasting friends are people I have met through work/uni (which comes to the same thing in my case)- why should friends I meet at work be less "real friends" than friends I may have met through the NCT or at school? you have to meet people somewhere and I happen to spend a lot of time at work because it has always been the place I have been happiest and where a lot of my socialising has been

dh has also met pretty well all his friends in work-related circumstances

my relationship with my younger brother is also a double one: we are colleagues (though not currently at same uni) and siblings and were part of the same friendship group for many years

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:04

cory, that's a piss-poor justification for how patronising your first post sounded

Mumcentreplus · 06/12/2010 23:10

I'm not saying you cannot meet friends at work cory...but to speak regularly,socialize and have a good working relationship with a man is no the same as a friendship...

cory · 06/12/2010 23:11

Why, Anyfucker, I thought it was pretty patronising of Spidookly to assume that we are all so naive that we can't be relied on to have an ordinary friendship with a member of the opposite sex, because we couldn't possibly notice if such a friendship was turning sexual.

And my point about professional people is that ime professional relationships often do merge into friendships and that this is a perfectly normal part of life; therefore something that professional people have experience of and see as normal. When I was a SAHM I had no reason for close regular contact with previously unknown men, so I made no new male friends: I have made several since, because working outside the home brings me into contact with a different kind of person.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:13

then direct your comments to spidookly instead of making a smug generalisation about professional and, by association, "non-professional" women and how they conduct their relationships

cory · 06/12/2010 23:16

"I'm not saying you cannot meet friends at work cory...but to speak regularly,socialize and have a good working relationship with a man is no the same as a friendship..."

I don't know how you define friendship then, mumcentre. To me, a friend is somebody I want to see and talk to even if there is no work related reason, somebody I keep in touch with through writing if we are not in the same place, somebody I meet up with regularly simply for the sake of friendship, somebody I talk to about things that are not just to do with work, somebody who would support me if I needed it and whom I would support. I can't see what I have in my female friendships that is different.

cory · 06/12/2010 23:18

I am sorry, Anyfucker, if I came across as patronising. I didn't realise I was- I suppose because I have been a SAHM and feel very good about that part of my life, but would not have taken offence if someone had pointed out that it was a different kind of life and the people I was meeting and forming friendships with were different to the people I made friends with when I was working.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:20

when you put it like that, cory...

I think part of your post was very patronising, but fair enough if that was not your intention x

jasper · 06/12/2010 23:30

AF, I really did not read it as patronising at all. I completely get Cory's point and think you inferred stuff that was not there. She didn't say all professional women get this point, others dont

Cory said " I thought it was pretty patronising of Spidookly to assume that we are all so naive that we can't be relied on to have an ordinary friendship with a member of the opposite sex, because we couldn't possibly notice if such a friendship was turning sexual."
I def agree with this too.

My dh has become friendly with a woman via a new hobby of his. - nothing at all to do with work in his case.
I see it as a very positive thing - he does not have all that many friends, bless him , and it gets him out the house Smile

StrawberryTot · 06/12/2010 23:31

Both my partner and i have male/ female friends who we both see regularly whether this is lunch/ drinks/ gigs/ nights out/ cinema etc, doesn't bother either of us in the slightest.

jasper · 06/12/2010 23:32

I promise to report back if dh literally runs off with his new running club chum

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 06/12/2010 23:42

You see, yet again the point is being missed here. If the friendships you make anywhere are conducted secretly, you fancy the pants off eachother and are to be found regularly complaining to this friend about your unhappy marriage or your neglectful spouse, then it's not rocket science that this is a blurred friendship that has the power to threaten.

If your friendships don't fall into that category, are openly conducted with platonic motivations and your spouse would be comfortable with the way you are representing him/her and your relationship to this friend, then it just isn't a problem.

I don't think it matters a jot whether you are a professional woman or not. I've worked with mostly men all my life and currently, 60% of my employees are males and my client portfolio is predominantly male. I have some great male friends, some from school, some from university and loads from work. But in all of those friendships, there are boundaries that I will not cross and neither would those friends. Many of those friendships have been made since I met my H over 26 years ago, but there is no secrecy, no fantasising and no rubbishing my primary relationship.

Those rules are simple, but effective.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2010 23:44

I also strongly suspect that those of us who find male/female friendships a normal part of life are often professional women

I think all the "inference" was right there , tbh

No matter. People can post what they like, of course.

GotArt · 06/12/2010 23:45

I have a problem with women from DH's workplace that don't have the decency to acknowledge me when I'm in his kitchen but have no problem texting DH late in the night to meet for a pint or make comments on texts that make me sound like a burden of some sort; 'sorry you had to go home to a family drama-rama and not meet me for a beer'. That comment came after DH had told me he has to stay clear of this girl because he was getting the vibe that she thought he was into her. I understand in a kitchen comments are made (I've worked in the food industry extensively too) but sometimes when it comes to the opposite sex, those comments are misconstrued (seen time and time again) and then shit starts hitting the fan, particularly with young women just starting in a professional kitchen who suddenly feel jaded by their Chef because their flirting is going unnoticed/ignored by Chef. But for the most part, I am realistic that friends are friends and as long as my DH comes home and knows he is loved and appreciated at home I feel confident that his female relationships are friendly, even he needs to have a good bitch about me once in awhile and vice-versa with DH towards me. However, I've also been on the other side though, being an artist I have many male friends whom, before having children, I used to meet for (many) drinks but only as friends and never anything sexual between us but can see how their partners may construe/object/question my asking their DP's out for a drink and a bite after work/school. I always make a point of talking to them when I see them and talking about my DH in hopes that eases their mind that what I have with their partner is purely friendly and professional. I also make a point in asking if their partners would like to meet us as well, etc. I never touch the man or anything or behave in a way that may look like flirting, or at least I hope not. I'm not sure if it works but I hope that it does. Its healthy for to have friendships with the opposite sex, as we are all human. You'd need to really assess the whole situation.

jasper · 07/12/2010 00:06

secrecy / bad mouthing your spouse takes it to a whole other realm. That's something other than friends.

Surely noone at all here thinks that should be "allowed" ? to use OPs slightly unfortunate phrase.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 07/12/2010 00:43

Yes Jasper I'd hope you were right, but it never starts like this. What often happens is that just as when we might meet a new female friend with whom we really hit it off, there is almost a process of falling in love with that friend. New friends often search for areas of commonality and go through a process of "mirroring" to achieve that common ground.

Male/female friendships are often no different, especially if there is an added professional benefit to achieving a collaborative working relationship where targets are reached. However, if there is an unexpressed physical chemistry present, this injects an extra frisson to the relationship. However this isn't regarded as dangerous either, because of course it is culturally sanctioned that we will find others attractive even if we are in a committed relationship.

Inevitably too, that friendship might lead to exchanges of information about one's personal lives. After a while, one of them might report unhappiness at home and marital discord. The happier friend doesn't want to gloat about their better relationship, so either keeps quiet or once again, finds areas of commonality and discloses either minor or entirely fictitious marital grievances of their own.

If they start to keep in touch outside of work via texting, E mails or messenger services, at some point they start to synchronise the best times to do so "in case their spouses get the wrong idea." Hence, a level of secrecy has entered the relationship.

The delusions people have throughout these early days of a new friendship are obvious to see, with hindsight, but at the time, one or both of the parties would still insist that this friendship was safe and unthreatening.

Every step taken, every barrier broken serves to normalise the last, because this often happens over a long period of time and it becomes the new "norm."

Hence, the stage when both friends confess their mutual attraction doesn't seem like the watershed moment it represents, because that now feels perfectly normal and acceptable. The next step is a kiss and on it goes until a full affair is underway.

How many women do we see on here who say "I don't know how it happened, I got carried away" Or "Before I knew it, I was having an affair..." as though they have been captured by aliens or dark forces? It happened because they ignored the boundaries and took all the incremental steps detailed above.

jasper · 07/12/2010 00:57

but wwifn you are turning this into a debate about affairs .
why?

to repeat what Cory said

I thought it was pretty patronising .... to assume that we are all so naive that we can't be relied on to have an ordinary friendship with a member of the opposite sex, because we couldn't possibly notice if such a friendship was turning sexual.

if it's turning sexual, the OP's question is not relevant

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 07/12/2010 01:19

Oh come on Jasper what on earth did you think the OP was worried about, if not the prospect of an affair?

I don't think spidookly was being in the least bit patronising, incidentally and she was merely observing a truth which is that some people are hopelessly naive. At no point did she "assume we are all so naive" and that is a blatant misrepresentation of her post.

However, there are evidently more naive people without boundaries than some posters seem to imagine, since so many affairs are the result of a blurred friendship. To pretend otherwise is disingenuous.

jasper · 07/12/2010 01:31

I am not pretending anything , if your last part is directed at me.
You and some others seem to see affairs lurking in every corner. Why?

I have no idea what the Op is worried about, she has not been back to tell us. But you have chosen to assume she is worried about affairs.

It's like a discussion on wine where someone pitches up and says "careful it is so easy to become an alcoholic"

I just don't get this obsession with affairs or the possibility of them starting

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 07/12/2010 02:03

Jasper if the OP had posted instead "Do you allow your husband to go to dinner or travel with his male heterosexual friend just the two of them?" and posters replied with dire warnings of an impending affair, you'd have a point.

Virtually everyone on this thread has made the same assumption which is that the OP's question related to concerns about fidelity. The main point of dissent on this thread is not what it's about, but whether it's reasonable to have those concerns.

I don't think anyone on here sees "affairs lurking on every corner" but to ignore the possibility for them to happen, in friendships that have no boundaries, is naive in the extreme. You are often posting on affair threads yourself, especially the ones relating to female infidelity, so you know as well as I do, that affairs happen.

GotArt · 07/12/2010 04:06

I find it rather funny that it is assumed that affairs are strictly male-female. My gay male friend has had affairs with 2 married men in the past year that began as work friendships. I've had countless male friend relationships in the last 20 years that have never ever remotely come to a point of anything sexual, well, on my part anyhow. It can be done. There are also male friend's of DH's that I wouldn't feel comfortable with him traveling with because of knowing their history, but because of our relationship, I've told him this and he wouldn't because he knows I feel uncomfortable with it and respects me as I respect him.