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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you allow your husband to meet his woman friends ?

223 replies

splendid · 04/12/2010 07:48

Do you allow your husband to go to dinner or travel with his female friend just two of them?

OP posts:
twopeople · 04/12/2010 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

stickylittlefingers · 04/12/2010 16:58

any question starting "would you allow your dh to" rings alarm bells for me. Neither of us "allow" each other to do things, because we are grown ups.

And "would I be happy if dh had dinner with a female friend" - of course.

fluffles · 04/12/2010 17:13

i must be a real munter because i've had a load of male friends, from before i was married, and the vast majority have never tried to sleep with me.

and here was me just thinking they liked and respected me as a human being Hmm

LeakMyWiki · 04/12/2010 17:15

I would hate to be in a relationship where I 'allowed' my dh to do things, seeing's how he's not a child, and I'm not his mother.

My dh sees his friends, regardless of sex, we both do.

ilovesooty · 04/12/2010 18:34

I'm with everyone who finds the use of the word "allow" pretty strange - though I do know women who think they can lay down the law to their partners/husbands. Beats me how the blokes put up with them. Shock

I bet the OP reads his emails, checks his mobile phone and stalks his FB account as well (if he's "allowed" to have one). Poor sod.

spidookly · 05/12/2010 07:53

I'm with the no other people (with the possible exception of clam) who think it is fatuous to say that unless both partners in a relationship can pursue opposite sex friendships in exactly the same way they did when single, that the are being "controlled", and that trusting your partner is about ignoring risky behaviour and presuming infidelity is impossible.

Most romantic relationships are initially described as friendships. Lots of time alone together, enjoying the "getting to know you" phase, sharing intimacy and secrets is the beginning of a sexual relationship. That kind of behaviour is threatening to a primary relationship, and not appropriate unless you are single. But it's easy to slip into if you're naive enough to think that just because you (or your partner) are trustworthy that they are incapable of ever developing feelings for anyone else.

The idea that the world splits into duplicitous cheaters who will do it no matter what, and virtuous people who will never stray is so stupid it almost brings a little tear to my eye.

Affairs have devastating consequences for long-term relationships, and good people have them and then bitterly regret them when they see their family ripped apart.

Protecting your marriage by having boundaries designed to make sure you don't put it needlessly at risk is part if the "work" we're always hearing we need to be doing in our relationships.

In my marriage those boundaries are entirely notional at the moment, but if (when?) a situation such as clam describes should arise, I hope (and trust) that it would be dealt with as hers was. DH is not a jealous or possessive man, so if he felt threatened by a friendship I would absoluty relegate it.

I don't think I have an absolute right to go travelling or have dinner with other men, or that he does with other women. My marriage is the most important relationship in my life. It's the centre of my family.

pissovski · 05/12/2010 19:13

I have many male friends. One in particular i get on exceptionally well with. He has been to our house when i have been in on my own (to watch dvd/chat/keep me company), we have been to the cinema, out for dinner and one time stuck in traffic for about 3 hours! We have a lot in common and enjoy each others company. He is friends with my dh and they both enjoy taking the mickey out of me for various things (which i don't mind at all). If i was 'not allowed' to see this guy i would not be happy. We are both more than capable of not crossing any line, out of respect for my dh, for our friendship - and mainly cos we don't fancy each other!

scottishmummy · 05/12/2010 19:29

"allow" curious use of terminology.dp an adult free to associate with whom ever he choses.hes not on a ball and chain.

and yes men and women can be just platonic friends with no funny shenanigans or sub-plot

penguin73 · 05/12/2010 19:53

of course, just as I see all my male friends. There is no question of 'allowing' as we are both adults but if trust became an issue to the point of us wanting to control each other in such a way then I wouldn't want to be in such a relationship and nor would my partner. Of course it is possible to have platonic friendships and if a friendship develops into something further then so be it - although I would be heartbroken I don't want to be the compromise if OH did want to be with somebody else. In my mind a relationship requiring controls and restrictions in this way isn't a real relationship.

xkittyx · 05/12/2010 20:13

Spidookly I agree with you completely. I'm kind of reading this thread and wondering how long before there are yet more posts in Relationships about partner's affair.

Pinkieminx · 05/12/2010 20:18

Agree with everything Spidookly said

gingerwig · 05/12/2010 20:27

OP ,I cannot get my head around anyone asking such a bizzarre question

HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 05/12/2010 20:30

never came back then?

shame.

Sounds like she probably had some worries she might have liked to discuss

but you mean sods scared her away

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 05/12/2010 20:34

My DH has some hobbies that are so far removed from my area of interest that it's untrue. His hobbies are almost exclusively male, as is his job but he is an extremely charismatic man, and a huge majority of the women he/we meet in a non-professional sense absolutely love him (mainly because he makes superb ice cream for parties and get togethers!!!)

I, on the other hand, love my football, and watching very many other sports and would spend a lot more time in the pub watching the footy on big screen if I could be arsed, and DH wouldn't have a problem with that.

My DH can go out for coffee, lunch, dinner with anyone he likes, but the only reason I would be perturbed is becasue I LOVE going out too, and would often rather be out with bad company than be left behind at home, especially if it involves trying somewhere new.

nogreythatmatters · 05/12/2010 21:29

Funny, this is happenning in RL to a pal of mine. She is currently going through a divorce, 4 kids, had an affair. She has been seeing a guy for about a year, nice enough, but nowhere near good enough for her- no money, bit boring, shorter than her etc.
Her Best Friend is a guy in his mid 40's she has known for ever: never married, v eligible - got money, good looking etc.
The new boyfriend will not allow her to see the old friend and she has gone along with it. I am tempted to tell her that she is behaving crassly with BF. As some other posters have said, having long term male friends is great.

whatkatydidathome · 05/12/2010 21:30

I meet my male friend alone.

timetomove · 05/12/2010 22:11

I started off thinking that this is a laughable question, but i think that is only because I am considering the question from the perspective of my own relationship. I probably have more male friends than DH does female friends, but we both have a number of friends and close colleagues of the opposite sex. Although it is true that we both tend to see friends (both male and female) in a larger group, that is not always the case and i am sure neither of us would think anything of the other meeting a friend (of either gender) one-on one. If I was out with one of my male friends (mainly old uni friends or people who have been colleagues for years), the idea that DH might have reason to be worried is just ridiculous, and I of course extend him the same level of trust that i would expect him to have in me in equivalent circumstances.

On the other hand, a NEW non-colleague female friend i would wonder about, largely because i am not sure how he would meet such a person. Going on holiday i would also find strange, because he gets less annual leave than me and we tend to go on holiday as a family. I would feel the same about a holiday, though, whether it is a male or female friend. Even then, if it is something he really wanted to do that I did not want to do (or was not ideal for the kids etc), I would not have a problem with him going with friends. He has been to watch England play rugby overseas, for example. That has been with male friends as it happens, but i don't think i would have minded if one of his female friends was included in the group.

I think the above represents a "normal" relationship.

On the other hand, I then thought of a lovely friend of mine and I can imagine her asking the above question and (wrongly) taking a lot of comfort that she has nothing to worry about in her relationship based on the general thrust of the response to this thread that it is of course fine for husbands to spend time with female friends. Her H recently gave up work (although they have kept an au pair) and he spends a lot of time going out to lunch and dinner and clubbing with new female friends, and is now starting to arrange holidays etc with them. There is more i could share but in his case, the way he behaves is absolutely not something i would tolerate, but my friend is sadly in denial.If someone picked her up on the way her H acts with these friends, I can imagine her posting precisely the above question and taking a lot of reassurance form the responses that her H's behaviour is really nothing to worry about, When i suspect it is.

Hence, without knowing the relationship in question i am slightly loathe to make categoric statements.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/12/2010 23:13

TTM, is your friend married to Lord Bath ?

cory · 05/12/2010 23:43

Seeing that I have known most of my male friends for periods of 25+ years and never fancied them, I think the risk that I will suddenly find myself slipping into sexual feelings for them is pretty minimal. Some people are just fun to talk to, dh does not share all my interests and does not understand everything I might want to talk about.

ClimberChick · 06/12/2010 02:58

I've gone travelling (weekend only) with two male friends. I would be furious if I was expected not to have friendships on the basis the their gender.

DH's best 'man' was his best friend who happens to be female.

Slightly · 06/12/2010 04:31

Bear anyone?

spidookly · 06/12/2010 12:46

I also find the sneery comments about the use of the word "allow" tediously predictable as well as entirely beside the point.

If I say "I don't allow my DH to speak to me in that way"

Is THAT controlling?

What about "I don't allow my DH to leave me with all the housework while he sits around on his arse playing computer games?"

What the word "allow" means in this context, is that I won't accept that behaviour and because we are both equal adults I don't have to accept shit behaviour from him any more than he has to do what I say.

So the question "do you allow your DH to see his female friends alone?" is a perfectly valid one - is this behaviour you are prepared to accept within your relationship?

UnquietDad · 06/12/2010 12:50

Spidookly, the other examples of "unallowable" behaviour you offer are ones which most people would agree they would not accept (perhaps "accept" is in fact a better word?) from a partner of either sex.

But the question of exerting your "permission" over which friends your DH/DW/DP has goes beyond that, and into an area which might be perceived as controlling.

scottishmummy · 06/12/2010 12:53

discussing "allow" is exactly the point.it implies need for permmision or that he cannot be trusted

isnt sneery at all,is at very heart of the discussion.does one adult feel comfortable about having another adult have female pals.the use of allow implies not

and if a man posted abput whether or not to "allow" his missus to do certain things there would be up roar from the leave him/kick him in the clackers/call womens aid crew

noddyholder · 06/12/2010 12:59

allow? My dp doesn't have many and some are now joint friends but there are a couple that he would probably see if we still lived in London and it would be ok with me b ut I don't think he would ask iygwim