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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel completely differently about my best friend after finding out...

113 replies

SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 14:54

...that she had an affair with a married man?

She never told me, even though it was with a man we both worked with, even though we've been really close and (I thought) told each other everything.

I think it's affecting me because
a) I hold strong views about people that have affairs with someone who is married.
b)she didn't tell me (maybe because of point a)

She doesn't know, but I feel like I don't know her anymore, she's not the person I thought she was, and I'm not sure if I friendship can carry on the same.

Is it unreasonable of me to feel like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 14:55

*our friendship

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 03/12/2010 14:55

How do you know it's true though?

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 14:58

It is most definatley true... her DH confided in my DH. (The affair was before she was married, or even with her DH)

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 03/12/2010 14:58

How long ago was it?

I've done things in the past I'm ashamed of and would never consider doing now.

If she regretted it would that make a difference to you?

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 14:59

My DH mentioned it in passing, because he assumed I would have known about it.

OP posts:
MaudOHara · 03/12/2010 14:59

Agree with agentzigzag

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 03/12/2010 15:01

Huh? I assume this was years ago!

People make mistakes - a real friend would understand this.

YABU.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:01

I don't want to go into too much detail on here but I'm quite sure she doesn't regret it, going by the context it come up in coversation with her DH.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 03/12/2010 15:01

It's not unreasonable to feel differently, you can't help that - but if she is your best friend then you need to talk to her.

She may be really ashamed and desperate to tell you.

mummytoatribe · 03/12/2010 15:02

I think you AB a bit U

THis was obviously a long time ago and people change. She wouldnt be the first to get sucked in the by the old "My marriage has been over for years, we are only together for the kids, we dont have sex, she is mad so I cant leave the kids with her etc etc".

Let it go, she isnt that person anymore.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:02

About 4 years ago. We were as close as we are now then.

OP posts:
cumbria81 · 03/12/2010 15:02

I think yuo're being extremely judgemental. I doubt your friend is proud of what she did, but she is human and everyone makes mistakes.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 03/12/2010 15:02

No, there is no way you are quite sure even if she said to her dh that the most amazing acrobatic sex she ever had was with that guy. That could still be true and she could feel like shit about it. Just an example.

Besides until you talk to her it's like Chinese whispers - people never pass on the exact context

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 15:03

Well if you feel this is a dealbreaker, you'd better tell her. Maybe she'll think having a DH that breaks her confidence isn't the greatest thing either (especially when it was before they were even in a relationship).

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:04

I couldn't ever bring it up without her knowing how I found out, which Would Not Be Good.

From what DH said, it is something that she would do again and doesn't regret it.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 03/12/2010 15:04

You can regret something but not regret it at the same time.

People are full of contradictions, which is pretty normal in my experience.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 03/12/2010 15:06

Well it has already come between you then - cos you won't even be able to have a normal conversation about affairs and the issues around that without you feeling uncomfortable - and her knowing she's not telling you something.

Maybe you're not as close as you think Sad - maybe that's whats bothering you

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 15:07

Hmm, what's her DH's motivation for saying this about his wife?

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:08

LadyLapsang, out DH's are friends and talk to each other alot. DH mentioned it in conversation with me because he just assumed I would know, he was horrified when he realised I didn't.

Ok...the context is this: Her and her DH were on the rocks and she'd moved out. They had talks and she confessed she'd been in touch with this guy and was close meeting (starting the affair again basically)

Obviously I spent alot of time with her during this period (they are back together now) but she never once mentioned this.

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:09

That's what I thought Laurie Sad perhaps she doesn't view our relationship in the same way I do.

OP posts:
electra · 03/12/2010 15:09

yabu - it's in the past.

Thingumy · 03/12/2010 15:10

she's human and humans tend to make mistakes.

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2010 15:10

She was right not to mention it to you though wasn't she OP?

MrManager · 03/12/2010 15:11

She hasn't changed at all; she is the same person that she was then and now. You have changed.

It just proves that having dogmatic rules about what people should/n't do is unworkable.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:11

How do you mean AgentZigZag?

OP posts:
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