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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel completely differently about my best friend after finding out...

113 replies

SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 14:54

...that she had an affair with a married man?

She never told me, even though it was with a man we both worked with, even though we've been really close and (I thought) told each other everything.

I think it's affecting me because
a) I hold strong views about people that have affairs with someone who is married.
b)she didn't tell me (maybe because of point a)

She doesn't know, but I feel like I don't know her anymore, she's not the person I thought she was, and I'm not sure if I friendship can carry on the same.

Is it unreasonable of me to feel like this?

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 03/12/2010 16:04

LadyLapsang - if SF tells her friend it will damage SF's relationship with her husband (who has pleaded with her to forget he said it - not that she can, but you know what he means), her husbands with his friend (unwittingly broke his confidence & trust) - all to 'fix' her relationship? Why is this a good idea?

SantaFlaus - I honestly don't see why you are getting any YABU's or why people think if you are supporting someone through this that it's perfectly resonable for them to only tell you half of the story - but it takes all kinds I guess. But fwiw I'm with you, 100%.

SmileyPeeple · 03/12/2010 16:06

'she might go after you dh next'

FFS.

Yes, she is obviously a harlot and woman of no morals who must be kept away from ALL married men and probably all small children, as she obviously seeks her own sexual pleasure above the happiness of little babies.

Maybe you should tar and feather her so all married woman know 'just what she is.'

myheadisconfused · 03/12/2010 16:10

Mum2HarryandBen
"She is deceptive, selfish and cowardly on so many levels, does not care about the wife of mm, etc, does not want to tell you in case you tell her off or don't want anything to do with her, keeping large parts of her life secret, she sounds like an actress! it would made me wonder what she was really like, and I would slowly withdraw and give energy to other people! She might go after your dh next!" Hmm Really? Blimey, nothing like drawing conclusions whilst knowing pretty much fuck all about the situation, is there?

WikiFreak · 03/12/2010 16:12

santa

i had exactly the same experience
it totally upset me, I couldnt talk normally to her, i saw her as a liar and deceitful person.
it got better, but never back to normal.

Niecie · 03/12/2010 16:21

YANBU OP but I don't know how you move on from this.

A case of MN double standards again I think. If the OP had come on here and said she had had an affair with a married man and didn't want to tell her friend because she wouldn't approve even though they had been honest and open with each other up to that point, she would have got a roasting. However, the OP isn't comfortable with what her friend has done and she gets told that everybody makes mistakes and she should just lump it. I can't really imagine why anybody would think the OP was BU to change her view of her friend.

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 16:22

When she was single she had a relationship with a married man. Not great, but she wasn't breaking her marriage vows.

Her husband then breaks her confidence by telling your DH about it.

Your DH then breaks confidence by telling you.

So now everyone knows about your friend's pre-marriage relationship & she only thinks her husband knows. Actually I feel sorry for her.

LittleYellowTeapot · 03/12/2010 16:22

Are you sure you're not just upset at being the last to know?

I think as it was a long time ago YABabitU - she's obviously not proud of her past or she'd have told you about it. Or maybe she just doesn't consider it an important part of who she is now.

Maybe she was worried it would change your reltionship. In which case - it looks like she could be right. I wouldn't want something like this to spoil my friendship.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 16:23

"You and your friend obviously don't have that sort of friendship, is this because she knows you would be very judgemental?"

I thought we did though SmileyPeeple which I think is why I'm so upset by this. I'm not "very judgemental".

OP posts:
Niecie · 03/12/2010 16:26

But the friend wasn't single was she? She had moved out because her marriage was on the rocks and then they sorted it out. They didn't properly split up.

I say that at the risk of starting a Friends stylee Ross and Rachel ' but we were on a break' argument!Smile

SmileyPeeple · 03/12/2010 16:30

Santa I can see it's upsetting that you thought you were closer than you obviously are, but I'm also confused about why you actually are upset?

Are you upset she didn't tell you?

Or, as I read your OP, are you upset as she did she a terrible thing in your opinion and you cam never view her In the same way again?

The two things seem confused here and you can't really claim to be upset about both, as if she has told you would you have ditched her anyway?

If it's the closeness between you that bothers you, then talk to her, say you're hurt she didn't confide in you and that although, yes you would have disapproved, you'd always stand by her and off support if/when she needed it.

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 16:31

I think the story is that she was single when she had the relationship with the married man. Then she met & married her husband. Then, they had marriage difficulties and separrated for a time when she considered renewing her relationship with married man but didn't. The she got back together with her husband. So relationship with married man was pre-relationship with husband. OP correct me if I'm wrong...

diddl · 03/12/2010 16:32

But OP, you´ve already said that you have strong views on this, and if she knows, why would she tell you?

Also, why would her husband tell yours?

Why would everyone assume that everyone knows?

SmileyPeeple · 03/12/2010 16:33

Santa in your OP you recognize that maybe b) happened because of a), so maybe you need to accept that, and see that the friendship could never be really close for those reasons.

What would you have done if she had told you? Maybe think about that.

It's hard when you lose a friend or friendships change, but it happens often.

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2010 16:35

I'm not sure it's double standards niecie, nobody's saying they think she was right to have an affair.

But we've all done things we regret, some of them we keep quiet because they're not socially acceptable and we don't want to be judged.

But the OPs made it clear she has strong views on the subject and the friend must know this, if the OPs asking if she is BU to expect her friend to confide in her, then in this instance I would say she is.

saffy85 · 03/12/2010 16:37

What a lovely best friend you are OP Hmm

Your best friend has done something in her past before she was married that she shouldn't of done, confessed to her husband who in turn has confided this to your DH and you two are gossiping about her.

Unless the married man in question was your DH it's none of damn business so butt out.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 16:38

Littlefish - it happened whilst we were friends, with someone who worked with us.

I do not hold the same opinion as MumtoHarryandBen - just for the record!!

LadyLapSang

"Her husband then breaks her confidence by telling your DH about it." Our DH's are friends, they talk, I imagine, just the same as my and my firend talk.

"Your DH then breaks confidence by telling you." He mentioned it in conversation because he assumed I would know, as we are so close, I said before he was horrified when he realised I didn't and would have done anything to take it back.

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 03/12/2010 16:39

People don't have to tell their friends, even treally close friends, about their sex lives.

OP, your friend was right not to tell you, but you need to give her a break.

diddl · 03/12/2010 16:44

"Your best friend has done something in her past before she was married that she shouldn't of done, confessed to her husband who in turn has confided this to your DH and you two are gossiping about her."

Which is why it´s wise/acceptable not to tell everyone everything-even a close friend.

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 16:48

Is there nothing you would tell your DH that you would expect him not to share?

Surely, if you are married there are some things that you don't share with others?

If he felt disturbed by her behaviour he might have been better getting confidential counselling.

saffy85 · 03/12/2010 16:49

Why the fuck did her husband have to tell OP's DH in the first place? I'd be spitting blood if my DP told his mates personal stuff about me. Hope OP doesnt tell her BF she knows this. Would be awful for her.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 16:55

Oh, and thank you ChippinIn Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 16:56

Because they are friends and he was looking for support.

OP posts:
HarrietTheSpook · 03/12/2010 16:57

I guess I can see why you're uncomfortable with her decision to do that.

But - she doesn't 'owe' you an explanation for her behaviour (the doing it and the not telling you about it) on any level. It's just not your business. If you can't get over it, I think you have to move on from the friendship. It's not about you and talking to her about YOUR feelings in connection with an event which isn't about you is not really fair. It's not the same situation that another poster had where she was being used as 'cover.'

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 16:58

"The two things seem confused here and you can't really claim to be upset about both, as if she has told you would you have ditched her anyway?"

I would never have ditched her, I thought I had made that clear in previous posts.

LadyLapsang - you have the story corrcet

(sorry trying to catch up on posts)

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 17:00

Even when I'm helping her through her marriage difficulties, HarrietTheSpook? Spending lenghthy evenings drinking wine discussing her relationship, with her failing to leave this vital piece of info out? I feel a bit of a mug now I look back...

OP posts: