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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel completely differently about my best friend after finding out...

113 replies

SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 14:54

...that she had an affair with a married man?

She never told me, even though it was with a man we both worked with, even though we've been really close and (I thought) told each other everything.

I think it's affecting me because
a) I hold strong views about people that have affairs with someone who is married.
b)she didn't tell me (maybe because of point a)

She doesn't know, but I feel like I don't know her anymore, she's not the person I thought she was, and I'm not sure if I friendship can carry on the same.

Is it unreasonable of me to feel like this?

OP posts:
lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 03/12/2010 15:12

sad how it goes but lost a close friendship a few years back for same reason :( we tried to remain good friends but impossible when you have very different views on important things :(
She was using me as a cover and when her DH asked me, I refused to lie but didnt tell him anything either but think my silence said it all :( she blamed me.

LaurieFairyonthetreeEatsCake · 03/12/2010 15:13

That's really crappy for you OP.

If I were you (and I appreciate I'm not so feel free to disregard) then I would have to tell her I knew, and come to terms with why she didn't tell you, and try to move our relationship on to a more 'real' and honest footing.

Otherwise it's not really best friendship is it?

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:16

Sorry to her that Lisa...what an awful situation.

I think your right Laurie, but I don't want to comprimise our DH's IYSWIM. She'll be annoyed at her DH for confiding (although we chat, I thought, about our DH's and our problems all the time) in my DH, and my DH, once he realised I didn't know made me swear I would pretend I didn't hear it. Which I can't seem to do, I just can't shake it, I wish I could Sad

OP posts:
chitchatinsantasear · 03/12/2010 15:16

Well I think what AgentZigZag means is that she didn't tell you because she thought she knew how you would react and judging by your reaction now she was right!

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:16

Although the ovewelming response seems to be that IABU, so maybe it's my problem.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 03/12/2010 15:16

She must have known you would not want to be mates if she told you, but still wanted to be.

I'm in no way excusing her behaviour, I would be a bit Hmm about it too in private, but if there wasn't abuse involved and they're consenting adults, there's not a lot you could have done.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:19

My reaction is a mix though chitchatinsantasear - I think I'm more hurt that she kept it from me. Although I hold strong views on this sort of thing (especailly with the sort of man involved here) I'm not the sort of person to be shouty about it. She has known in the past that I have 'disaproved' of affairs, but I thought she knew me well enough to know I wouldn't judge her on it, although I wouldn't have been complient in it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:21

AgentZigZag, that would never have been the case, and I think she would know that. We had a mutual friend, although not so close, that had an affair and although I made it clear that I didn't like it, we remained friends.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 03/12/2010 15:22

YABabitU, I think.

I feel like you- I have strong morals re affairs, but my very best friend did have an affair with a guy who was married with a young child Sad

She told me about it, and I could see it was causing her real torment, so there would have been no point in giving her a lecture. She said she knew how I felt, and was expecting me to be hostile. But the truth is she was (is) my best mate and she was hurting. And the worst thing for me was that I knew it a) wouldn't last and b) hurt her even more by the time it was over

And that is the way it worked out Sad. I never once rebuked her as I couldn't bear to upset her even more. I'm glad she told me, even though she knew how I felt about what she had done. I guess it matters whether you care more about your friend than your principles (and I don't mean that as pompously as it sounds!)

But I would be upset if she hadn't felt able to tell me, as yours did. unless maybe it was something very casual, and she knew you wouldn't understand? If it really was a long time ago, and you otherwise love your friend, I'd say move on. Just because she did this once doesn't mean she won't have changed her opinions about this sort of thing now

oneglassandpuzzled · 03/12/2010 15:25

A friend of mine did this once. I really and truly did not approve. The wife of the man she was sleeping with had all kinds of problems, and their teenage daughter had just unexpectedly given birth (literally unexpectedly). It was obvious that the husband was running away from these problems. The wife was, however, very wealthy and he eventually crawled back. I felt sorry for my friend but relieved on a selfish personal level that I no longer had to listen to her talking about him.

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 15:26

Why shouldn't she keep it from you - surely she's entitled to make decisions about what she shares about her own life. Sadly, when people tell things to others 'in confidence' sometimes it's not respected (her DH probably being a perfect case in point).

diddl · 03/12/2010 15:29

Well, if she wasn´t married, you could argue that she didn´t have an affair.

I guess it´s obvious why she didn´t tell you, isn´t it?

She´s still the same person as she was before.

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2010 15:31

Other peoples diapproval, especially if you think highly of them, can mean a lot, sometimes more than them shouting at you about it.

Plus, every time you saw each other she'd be wondering whether you're thinking of it and its colouring your view of her.

Implied moral superiority isn't an endearing quality in a friend.

ChippingIn · 03/12/2010 15:33

SantaFlaus - YANBU you thought that you and her were very close, you supported her throught this difficult time (even more difficult when your DH's are friends as well) yet she wasn't honest with you about what was going on and what you were supporting her through exactly. You feel betrayed by her ommittance and I don't blame you at all.

However, I think your first loyalty has to lay with your DH. He didn't tell you to put you in this position, he genuinely assumed you knew - don't ruin your relationship with him, over something your friend has done.

Maybe at some stage, if you want to work on your relationship with her, you could say to her something along the lines of 'You know that I really care about you and that other than sleeping with my DH, there really isn't anything that would come between us, I'm here for you - no matter what you are going through' and leave it at that.

Maybe she was just very very worried that you wouldn't support her and was very scared of losing you as well.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 15:37

I don't feel morally superior Agent. I just don't agree with it.

Thank you for understanding ChippingIn. I feel a bit 'cheated' for want of a better word that she wasn't completely honest with me when we were spending long nights discussing her and her DH's relationship. I truely thought we told each other everything, and I've never held anything back from her, and never would, regardless of what her opinion on a subject was.

OP posts:
ccpccp · 03/12/2010 15:37

YANBU OP. I'd never trust someone who was capable of this.

diddl · 03/12/2010 15:43

If you feel differently because she didn´t tell you, then YABU.

There are things that I have done that I haven´t told anyone about.

capricorn76 · 03/12/2010 15:46

I would also have a hard time trusting a friend who did this tbh.

togarama · 03/12/2010 15:48

YABU but you probably can't help it and you're probably not the only person who would react like this.

I remember being at dinner with a large group of female friends, a similar story coming up as the one you've posted about your friend, and me being the only one there who didn't regard someone having an affair with a married man as some kind of awful crime. (I've never been involved personally in an extra-marital affair, I hasten to add...)

As many others have said already, people are only human and sometimes they make mistakes.

Affairs are usually incredibly unwise and deceitful, and can be cruel to everyone else involved. However, I know how strong physical attraction can be and I know that sometimes people aren't bad, they're just weak.

Your friend isn't obliged to tell you everything, even as a "best friend". I don't understand this concept beyond the age of 12.

You can't help the way you feel and maybe this will end your friendship. But I do think your reaction says just as much about you as a person as it does about your friend.

Mum2HarryandBen · 03/12/2010 15:53

UANBU

She is deceptive, selfish and cowardly on so many levels, does not care about the wife of mm, etc, does not want to tell you in case you tell her off or don't want anything to do with her, keeping large parts of her life secret, she sounds like an actress! it would made me wonder what she was really like, and I would slowly withdraw and give energy to other people! She might go after your dh next!

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 15:55

Although it would be difficult in terms of your friendship, I think now you know you should tell her. It may be that your friendship cools but actually it gives her the opportunity to explain things, if she wants. Otherwise, it's always going to be the elephant in the room.

diddl · 03/12/2010 15:56

"keeping large parts of her life secret"

OMG, how very dare she!

JenaiMarrsTartanFoxCube · 03/12/2010 15:59

Indeed, diddl.

SmileyPeeple · 03/12/2010 16:02

I'd be hurt that someone I thought I was close to hadn't confided in me.

I have a group of very close long stan ding girlfriends, all of whom I regard as moral people who I trust and respect, but over the years we've all been in various situations that we've not been proud of and that as isolated incidents wouldn't give a good impression of our character.

This has involved affairs, secret abortions and various other deceits of some sort between us over many years BUT we would always pick up the phone to each other and no one else beacusr we'd know that we'd get non judgemental support. Or maybe they'd be a bit if straight talking judgement if it was considered needed, but always support and always there for each other.

You and your friend obviously don't have that sort of friendship, is this because she knows you would be very judgemental?

People don't come in two types: good or bad.

Good people can do some really stupid unpleasant things, for many reasons. people are complex and either you accept them, ups and downs, if they're worth it, or you can try to find the perefct friends with the exact same moral fibre you believe you have and then ditch them if they dare to mess up on this occasionally.

Good luck with that.

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2010 16:02

If you're upset because she didn't tell you about it, doesn't that oblige you to tell her you know?

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