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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel completely differently about my best friend after finding out...

113 replies

SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 14:54

...that she had an affair with a married man?

She never told me, even though it was with a man we both worked with, even though we've been really close and (I thought) told each other everything.

I think it's affecting me because
a) I hold strong views about people that have affairs with someone who is married.
b)she didn't tell me (maybe because of point a)

She doesn't know, but I feel like I don't know her anymore, she's not the person I thought she was, and I'm not sure if I friendship can carry on the same.

Is it unreasonable of me to feel like this?

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 03/12/2010 17:15

I don't think you should feel a mug, sounds like you were a good friend to her & gave her support when she needed it. They have got back together and are hopefully building their marriage.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 17:18

Maybe it's the realisation that she doesn't have the same view of our relationship as I do. I would, and do, tell her everything and would never feel the need to with hold anything from her.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 03/12/2010 17:20

If someone is spending their time and being there for you emotionally whilst helping you through marriage difficulties - you owe it to them to be honest about what is going on, or at the very least, telling them there are aspects of it you don't wish to discuss. Expecting them to help you through it whilst lying (by omission) about half of the reason why it's all going tits up is not on.

diddl · 03/12/2010 17:24

But just because she doesn´t tell you everything, it doesn´t mean that she views the relationship differently imo.

I don´t tell anyone everything.

That´s the way I am.

TotalChaos · 03/12/2010 17:25

yanbu. I agree, she's not the person you thought she was. and the DHs talking has left you in an awkward position. hope you can getthe friendship back on track

Professionalfraud · 03/12/2010 17:28

Santa it wasn't clear to me that you'd have stood by her, I thought youvwere saying you couldn't be friends because shed had an affair, that was why I was confused.

In that case then yes, i can defineitely see why you're hurt and why this changes your perception of your friendship. Of course she doesn't have to tell you everything but if you believe you have a friendship where she does, and you are supporting her through things, then it's hurtful to discover the friendship isn't as close or open as you thought.

I think you should carry on being friends, although it will affect how you feel, and accept that you are not as close as you thought. Very upsetting though, it's like a bit of a lossSad.

Pancakeflipper · 03/12/2010 17:31

I think she values you very much. But she was/ is ashamed at the affair and knows your strong views. Therefore she may feel she'd lose you if she was honest and because shez'd rather keep you - lied.

Don't be too hard on her. Losing you may have been unthinkable to her so she took the risk in lying.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 17:32

Sorry Professionalfraud - I have been a bit sketchy with all the info as I didn't want to give more than was neccessary away!

I think I do feel slightly differently about her because of what she did, it would be hard not to when you have your own opinion on that sort of thing. She's always had me believe she felt the same, so I feel a bit mislead about the person I thought she was. However I appriciate that all people make mistakes, and I certainly would have stuck by her throughout, that on it's own wouldn't have ruined the firendship for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 17:34

I also have quite strong views on lying, or hiding things, I hate it, she knows this and I thought we both were very open honest people. Finding this out has really shocked me, I thought I knew everything about her.

OP posts:
HecTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 03/12/2010 17:34

I would feel differently about someone I knew was deceiving their partner. I'd feel that they weren't the person I thought they were.

I don't think that's unnatural.

WikiFreak · 03/12/2010 17:35

santa
i had the same experience as you and i posted on here about it and i got nothing but shit
apparently being a " friend" means you can never hate the mate or find them really disloyal or annoying
its perfection or nowt

i KNOW what you mean. its like looking back at photos that were in black and white that are suddently in colour.

diddl · 03/12/2010 17:36

"I also have quite strong views on lying, or hiding things,"

But that still doesn´t mean that she has to tell you everything.

I mean seriously, you tell her everything?

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/12/2010 17:36

tbh you sound pissed off that her dh and your dh know,but you didnt

maybe she didnt tell you as knew how you would react

she obviously doesnt think much of her dh if she is thinking of going back with married man

now that you know,maybe you should mention it to her, it may be a way for her to talk to you about it

its her dh who i feel sorry for,he spoke to your dh in confidence and your dh has betrayed his friend by talking to you

AgentZigzag · 03/12/2010 17:44

I don't think you got a flaming there wiki, it all looked very civilised considering the bloodbath that some bunfights can leave behind.

mummytoatribe · 03/12/2010 17:46

She had a fling after she and her then boyfriend split up, and ended it before they got back together. The only person there who has a right to be pissed off is the OMs wife! She told her by now DH that she had considered seeing him again when they had marriage problems so that they could deal with those problems openly.

As far as I can see, those that needed to know, know.

If the OP is hurt by her friend not telling her everything then she has that right, but no one has to share everything! SHe probably saw this fling as a part of her life totally seperate from everything else, and wanted to keep it her secret not least because her DH and the OPs DH are friends. She then decided to tell her DH who imo should have kept it to himself, but its too late for that now. The OP needs to accept that her friend had her reasons for not talking about it and either accept them or move on.

There are some things I dont talk to my BF about and I know the same is for her, not because we dont love or trust each other, but because there are some things we want to keep to ourselves. Saying that the friend obviously doesnt see the friendship in the same way is a bit mellodramatic.

I think the OP is being a bit unreasonable to expect the friend to share everything just because the OP wants to know!

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 17:53

"tbh you sound pissed off that her dh and your dh know,but you didnt" Thats ridiculous, I'd rather I didn't know!

"its her dh who i feel sorry for,he spoke to your dh in confidence and your dh has betrayed his friend by talking to you" This is the last time I'm going to explain this: MY DH mentioned it during conversation, he assumed I would know, was horrified when he realised I didn't and had he known that would never had said.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 03/12/2010 17:58

That sounds worse santa, saying your DH would keep something from you.

Why OK for your DH but not your friend?

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 18:00

Wiki - I'm stealing this quote from Pagwatch on that thread:

"I think my friends are usually people with whom I share very basic core beliefs. I don't assume that we agree on everything ( how dull would that be) but I assume that they have a basic honesty about them. To find that I was so off target in that aspect of their character made it impossible for me to readjust IYSWIM."

That sums up my feelings on the affair aspect.

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 18:01

It's different AgentZigZag. DH keeping that from doesn't affect our relationship.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 03/12/2010 18:07

how does your bf keeping something from you effect your relationship?

there are things i dont tell my friends, there are things i dont tell my dh that my friends tell me whether in confidence or not, i wouldnt mention it to dh, the way that dh did to you

wannaBe · 03/12/2010 18:13

jesus, what an awful lot of smug judgemental self-entitled people there are on this thread.

It really is simple -

Op - you said that you wouldn't have judged. So what you're actually upset about is that she didn't tell you. When in actual fact, you didn't have a right to know. As I see it, the friend was confiding in you about her marriage being on the rocks, as I see it - the marriage wasn't on the rocks because of her reconnecting with this man - she was reconnecting with him while she and her husband were on a break, yes? So actually the rleationship had nothing to do with what the op was supporting her through and is thus none of the op's bloody business.

And really, don't we grow out of all this best-friends-tell-each-other-everything-or-you're-not-my-friend-any-more crap at about twelve? Hmm

As for the friend's dh, presumably he talked to his friend (op's dh) because, given his marriage was on the rocks, he was concerned about his dw's contact with her ex, and the impact this might have on their chances of getting back together? What's wrong with that? imagine reading a post from someone on here saying

"dh and I have been going through a hard time, we have recently separated but are trying to work things out. But I'm worried because he's recently re-established contact with someone he had a relationship with before we were married. She was married and cheated on her dh with my now dh." Would you all say "no, it's not your place to be discussing this with anyone."? Somehow I don't think so. So the dh has every right to have discussed this with his friend if he felt the need, and presumably as the op's dh thought op and her friend talked about these things didn't even consider that she didn't know about it in the first place.

Ultimately I think this is about jealousy and dented pride. The op felt that she should be entitled to every snippet of her friend's life, and when it transpired that the friend didn't want to divulge this part of her life to op, suddenly the op is re-evaluating the friendship.

Frankly I think the op needs to grow up and realise that it's not all about her.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 18:29

"Ultimately I think this is about jealousy and dented pride"

You think wrong.

OP posts:
Smileypeeple · 03/12/2010 18:42

Santa the quote about shared core beliefs may seem superficially very true, but peoples core beliefs do shift depending on their circumstances, I'd bet that most poeple who've had affairs are poeple who disagree with extra marital affairs and who would have agreed with you it was wrong, but then things happened they make decisions they never have believed they would, they justify it somehow but still don't want poeple to know as they essentailly know it's wrong.

like I said there are not just two types of people good and bad.

There aren't many poeple who would argue that affairs are Ok,and no big deal, but there are lots of poeple who have affairs. that should tell you soemthing.

You have to accept people screw up, they make wrong decisions, yes you can judge the action but then you have to decide if you want to judge the person who is your friend who you either believe is essentially good or not.

But again we're discussing whether you can still be friends because of the affair, or because she didn't confide in you like you thought she would have done.

I don't actually think you are clear on this in your own mind.

Original poster
SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 20:09

I don't think I am Smileypeeple, your quite right! Your right in what you say... this thread is food for thought and will hopefully help me get my head straight!

OP posts: