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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel completely differently about my best friend after finding out...

113 replies

SantaFlaus · 03/12/2010 14:54

...that she had an affair with a married man?

She never told me, even though it was with a man we both worked with, even though we've been really close and (I thought) told each other everything.

I think it's affecting me because
a) I hold strong views about people that have affairs with someone who is married.
b)she didn't tell me (maybe because of point a)

She doesn't know, but I feel like I don't know her anymore, she's not the person I thought she was, and I'm not sure if I friendship can carry on the same.

Is it unreasonable of me to feel like this?

OP posts:

samels001 · 03/12/2010 20:27

SF, YANBU at all - I have had a similar situation with my BF and it is the omission that is the most upsetting. She was going through a very nasty breakup with her partner and father to her DC and I was on the phone every week listening, supporting etc. But at the same time unbeknown to me she was seeing her ex-h (they have split up several times and he had been off the scene for years) and had moved him in. I still don't know now 2 years on why it was never mentioned. 25 years of friendship pretty much destroyed - I'm devastated but don't know what to do. A previous poster mentioned the elephant in the room and they are right.

NorthernLurker · 03/12/2010 20:33

I can see why she didn't tell you. Why should she? It's private - and you shouldn't know even now.

twolittlemonkeys · 03/12/2010 20:44

Tricky, I can see why you feel a bit differently but people can and do change. I did something I am really ashamed of years ago (was weak and very hormonal at the time) and it still torments me, even though the person involved has forgiven me and I know with 100% certainty I'd never do it again. I'd still not want my friends to know about it, even though it's in my past, because people are judgmental, even when they try not to be. I think if her DH has managed to forgive and move on from her past, then you should too.

spidookly · 03/12/2010 20:48

YANBU

Your feelings are your feelings. You've heard something you shouldn't have (through nobody's fault) and it has made you see your friend differently and in a less pleasing light, both personally and morally.

She is not as open and honest with you as you thought, and she is prepared to destroy other people's marriages.

Being who you are, that bothers you.

As you're not in a position to ever raise this with her (and I entirely agree with Chipping that you're not) then you'll just have to see if you ever start to like and trust and respect her again, or if the new her you're seeing now is a permanent shift in your perception of her.

dietcokesholidaysarecoming · 03/12/2010 20:58

Smileypeeple you give such good advice!

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 03/12/2010 22:28

This thread is proof my shaking off the best friends was wise! Why is it that best friends think they have the right to share everything in your life? There are some things I will never share, they are mine. If I share, then it's open season. But the unspoken is private and I cannot believe how entitled people feel to full disclosure.

I never had a female boss I liked either. Maybe it's me.

ChippingIn · 04/12/2010 01:11

This thread is proof my shaking off the best friends was wise

What a sad way to live your life.

HalfTermHero · 04/12/2010 01:51

Oh shit happens. Many young girls have sex with at least one married man. You realise when you are older that it is neither big nor clever nor funny. I would not judge, we have all made our mistakes. Glass houses etc.

PamelaFlitton · 04/12/2010 02:03

She is perfectly within her rights to keep things from you, regardless of what it is. Just because you are her friend does not mean you are entitled to know everything. I think you're being a bit precious. She didn't tell you because she knew you'd get all judgy about it, end of. You don't even know the whole story now, it's just some third-hand thing, but you're still judging. YABU.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/12/2010 11:35

so basically YABVU

she didnt tell you, get over it

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 04/12/2010 11:46

I'm very far from sad chippingin, have lots of friends and enjoy them without angst, just don't buy into the 'best' friend thing, and for the above reason.

MyBrilliantCareer · 04/12/2010 14:29

Have I missed something or has the OP said that her friend was at one stage reconsidering starting the affair again? Because although I agree with smiley in that people make mistakes etc, this would change it for me. I'm presuming though that the OM was still married etc when she was considering this.

I think I'd be a bit miffed that she didn't tell me, especially when I was spending time talking through her relationship with her.

lifeinlimbo · 04/12/2010 22:18

The friends DH told the OP's DH all this. OP you have not talked to your friend, so are you sure its all true?

because a/ its a bit chinese-whispers, lots of room for mistakes here, and
b/ Your friend and her DH were breaking up iirc, so are you sure this is not revenge on her DH's part to cause trouble for her?

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