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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want in laws every weekend

74 replies

ledkr · 02/12/2010 16:08

Hi,i am due to have mine and dhs first baby in 8 wks.Unfortunatley his family all live a 3 hr drive away,we see them as often as we can andthey are very nice and obviously they will vist far more or we will, when the baby comes. However,at my baby shower last weekend mil announced to everyone there that they are intending on coming down every weekend when its born.She was not joking. Dh works most weekends and i work some when i return to work. I also have a daughter from my previous marriage who is 8 and of course my own family and friends.I cannot spend every wekend entertaining them ad as my monet gets less and less would actually find this a bit expensive too.They never offer to buy food and we go halves on take away or meals out.I would be surprised if anyone thought i was being unreasonable but id love some of your perspectives on this and possible solutions.Humerous suggestions most welcome as this has really made me feel abit down.

OP posts:
CrazyChristmasLady · 02/12/2010 16:16

YANBU!! I wouldn't want this at all.

Get your DH to tell them now that this isn't going to work as the weekends are your only time to do other things etc and you aren't going to have the money to be going out or anything. Where are they planning on staying as well?

Nip it in the bud now otherwise it will get worse!!

TwinklePants · 02/12/2010 16:18

I agree with CrazyChristmasLady, unless you nip this in the bud now (do it before the baby arrives) it will set a dangerous precedent.

I hope your MIL was just joking - no matter how nice your PILs are, who would want them every sodding weekend? Xmas Shock

brizzagirl · 02/12/2010 16:34

Agree agree!! Get DH to tell them that you would love to see them but it won't be possible every weekend. TBH with a 3 hour drive it is VERY unlikely that they would want to do that every weekend anyway. I think you need to tread the line between being welcoming and open with the new GC and setting the boundaries now about how often they can visit.

fruitful · 02/12/2010 16:46

Get Dh to phone his mum and say "obviously you were joking about visting every weekend because that would be madness but ledkr is a little worried so just phoning to make sure".

Discuss NOW with your dh about how frequently visits will be acceptable from both sets of grandparents. And whether you want his parents visiting when he is at work, and vice versa.

Then present a united front to all the relatives. Set a date for the first overnight visit from MIL now, so she won't think she's coming to stay straight after the birth. Make a bit thing about how that weekend will be her first time staying in the house with the new baby, or whatever.

And then when they come, you'll be too tired to cook, so send them out to fetch the takeaway you've ordered. You'll need dh to stay and help you with the baby of course Grin. (actually that's manipulative isn't it, and they may well be perfectly nice generous people who haven't twigged? tell them you're skint and ask them to pay ...)

thefurryone · 02/12/2010 16:50

YANBU although she may just be getting a bit over excited at the thought of her first grandchild.

Do your PIL still work? They may soon realise that it will also be really inconvenient from their point of view as well.

saffy85 · 02/12/2010 16:56

YANBU get your DP on side and prevent this now! Shock at someone inviting themselves to another person's home every bloody weekend!

Jumpty · 02/12/2010 16:59

YANBU but not sure about nipping it in the bud now. I don't think they'll take the message any easier now than after DC is born and maybe she won't actually come through on her threat promise. I'd let it go for now and deal with it if it arises.

maktaitai · 02/12/2010 17:03

Financially, stop entertaining them - don't take them out, don't buy takeaways. If they want to become semi-members of the household, they can eat bread and scrape with you all, and if they don't like it, they can pay for the outings!

How often would you be OK with them coming?

Plumm · 02/12/2010 17:06

Is DH on your side? If so it will be a lot easier to say no.

JustAnother · 02/12/2010 17:06

i wouldn't say anything at this point. They are BU, but I think they'll soon realise that. 3 hours is a long drive. Let them come 1 or 2 weeks and then tell them "sorry but next week we have plans to do this and that, so we'll see you in a few weeks"

JustAnother · 02/12/2010 17:08

and when they come, you can always leave them alone with the baby for 1 hour while you go to the park with your DD. At least you all win.

peeringintothevoid · 02/12/2010 17:13

YANBU. Could she have meant that she's expecting to come over every weekend for a few weeks after the birth? Even that would be a bit much, but more understandable if she's eager to help. I wouldn't necessarily confront her about it now. You could drop hints in the meantime; "gosh we're going to be so busy with everyone who wants to come and meet the baby" etc. If she's not getting the message, it might be more tactful for your DH to have a word at the time, saying you need space as parents to get to know your child, and lots of others want to visit too.

Re the takeaways etc, could you ask MIL to cook, or say you're not in the mood for takeout?

Original poster
ledkr · 02/12/2010 17:37

Thanks everyone, i didnt want to appear nasty and not understanding. I have actually said to dh they can come the weekend after the birth which is not idea cos ill be 5 days post section but not for fri sat and most of sunday just one night,that has now been stretched to include sil :( unfortunately i stil live in my ex marrital home which has a big spare bedroom and 2 bathrooms,good in some ways but obviously far tooo comfy for them,i had planned to then say that we will be having aquiet weekend the following one to allow dd1 to get used to the new set up and have some quiet family time-i am comfortable with this but they probably wont be.Mil works as a ta in a school so only can come weekends,fil is retired.I am very keen as someone said to use that weekend to set boundaries ie they will need to make themselves scarce when mw visits and i will be off to bed early taking dds and dh with me :)

OP posts:
peeringintothevoid · 02/12/2010 18:15

"i will be off to bed early taking dds and dh with me"

Hopefully that will get your point across! Grin

SkyBluePearl · 02/12/2010 18:21

they should really only come that first weekend if they are going to hoover,make thieir own beds, cook, shop, fuss eldest child and take her out. You will both be exhausted and the last thing either of you should do is entertain. Letthemvisit one weekend and then text/phone/chat to suggest the next weekend is about a month or so later.

my mother came for a week and just took over with the new born instead of playing with the youngest, cleaning, cooking and fussing eldest. really got in the way of bonding and i wish she had never come.

curlymama · 02/12/2010 18:23

I'd stockpile a list of excuses, and have one ready each and every time you speak to them. Make sure DH agrees too so you both have the same excuse to give.

Eg - Week 1 - Sorry, we won't be around this weekend, we are visiting ledkr's cousin.

Week 2 - Sorry, this weekend won't be convenient, we are decorating the spare room.

Week 3 - What a shame but we will have to give it a miss this weekend, we are planning on sticking knitting needles in our eyes.

You get the picture.

pink4ever · 02/12/2010 18:38

Yanbu! I thought it was bad enough when dh invited inlaws round on day I got home(after c section-he did this with 2 of our dcs!) and I had to run around after them(fil even stood watching me wipe kitchen floor on hands and knees!). No way would I let this go.Tell your dh firmly that this aint happening and get him to pass the happy news on Wink.

going · 02/12/2010 18:41

My inlaws visit (just for a couple of hours) nearly every weekend. It feels really claustrophobic as it has been going on for 9 years!!! If I answer the phone before DH I tell them we are busy to lessen to visits to every other weekend. Dh is no good at lying!

Original poster
ledkr · 02/12/2010 18:44

haha you are cheering me up thanks.peering i cant think of anything worse than going off to bed on my own 5 days post baby and also dd1 will be in need of some time,im thinking dvd in bed you get the picture.
skyblue i wouldnt say they dont do anything but fil is a bit of a moocher and is very bored/restless when he is here and also a bit on the greedy side,i normally make nice food etc but when they came down this weekend i did nothing as i felt i should set the scene.I must admit the thought of 3 people hogging my newborn makes me shudder but on that i will need to be assertive.
curly that is my plan but cant imagine spending the rest of my life having to think of excuses and not sure how dh will see it lying to his parents so i will end up having to keep doing stuff that ive said.ill be bloody exhausted haha.
My 2 dear friends have the idea of popping in the first weekend and making abig point of only staying half an hour as "dont want to tire you out"Also i have a corner sofa in lounge and to fit us all on we have to all sit bolt upright and squish up,if i recall my last section i will be sat with my feet round taking up a lot of the sofa thus no room for them-now that is manipulative-dh says he understands but has an edge to his voice when i discuss it as is very close to his family,but when i went into hospital the other week with a minor thing he hated it and couldnt do enough so i am guessing he will be a lot more understanding when 1,He sees me have asection and the after effects and 2,i produce a daughter for him!

OP posts:
Original poster
ledkr · 02/12/2010 18:48

going you just cant relax can you?Imagine never being able to veg on the sofa led across dh lap or never being able to have sex at the weekend cos they are in room below,or having my mates over for a drink and a sneaky fag in the garden and not being able to laugh raucously or swear? Not for mw im afraid.

OP posts:
iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 02/12/2010 18:48

Pink - seriously? What a bastard!

Yanbu

Lay down the law, otherwise they will forever think they are in control, trust me

My mil wanted something similar, I had her told, no became my mantra, no one can question what you want at this time

going · 02/12/2010 18:54

ledkr it makes it hard to be spontanious as they always visit around 3pm! I just say we already have plans, don't feel that I should have to explain myself - sometimes my plans are staying in pj's all day and eating chocolates!

Original poster
ledkr · 02/12/2010 18:59

how long has that been happening going? How vile.I was thinking,i bet they didnt have that massive intrusion on the family life when theirs were little.

OP posts:
going · 02/12/2010 19:05

Neither of them lived anywhere near where there families were. DH and I were quite young (21) when DD1 was born and it was almost like they were checking up on us though never offering any actual help. I suppose the habits of the weekly visits have continued....

pink4ever · 02/12/2010 19:13

iamusuallybeingunreasonable-this is the gospel truth! dh decided we had to have a bbq that day so took himself off out for hours leaving me to entertain them,sil and nieces. I told them I thought my dh was being a twat tho(and never usually talk to them like that!).
We go to inlaws every sunday for dinner and I hate it(feel very manipulated by mil into doing it). Also going there again for xmas(used to take turns with each family but mines fallen out-another story!). Tried to tell dh would prefer to stay at home one year but he refuses to leave parents alone at xmas(basically always puts them before me and dcsAngry.

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