to not want in laws every weekend

[ledkr]

Hi,i am due to have mine and dhs first baby in 8 wks.Unfortunatley his family all live a 3 hr drive away,we see them as often as we can andthey are very nice and obviously they will vist far more or we will, when the baby comes. However,at my baby shower last weekend mil announced to everyone there that they are intending on coming down every weekend when its born.She was not joking. Dh works most weekends and i work some when i return to work. I also have a daughter from my previous marriage who is 8 and of course my own family and friends.I cannot spend every wekend entertaining them ad as my monet gets less and less would actually find this a bit expensive too.They never offer to buy food and we go halves on take away or meals out.I would be surprised if anyone thought i was being unreasonable but id love some of your perspectives on this and possible solutions.Humerous suggestions most welcome as this has really made me feel abit down.

he absolutely does that yes.Gets mildly grumpy too. Am going to offer a Friday or Saturday night but not with long days after or before.I think they will opt for the sat so hopefully wont get down till lunchtime and then on sunday i will take the baby up to bed with me if they aint gone by 4ish or get my friends or family to vist.Bloody nightmare.I wish id married an orphan hahaha

Sorry to hear you had breast cancer, what kind of people are they to not talk to you about it? How selfish and insensitive.

Your out-laws are frightenly like mine. Mine are always the last to leave if we have had a family gathering, even when they are the first to arrive. At DD's bday party, I took her up for bath at about 7.00 (late for her) as she was falling asleep on her toys. Everyone shouted goodbye upstairs to us as they went. When I popped back downstairs to get her milk, Pil were still sat there and said "you can bring her back down now, everyone's gone"!! Like hell.

Fil even told me that DD is not as important to my parents as she is to them since my parents have many other GC.

You must be due at the end of Jan too. I also intend to take laptop, and DCs up to bedroom and report on Pil's craziness as I BF and watch Cbeebies!!

It drives me mad when DH does it. I cannot talk about his family at all without him getting defensive and refusing to acknowledge that I have spoken. He will just go hmmm and change the subject. He can say things about my annoying relatives though (certain ones I join in as they are a pain in the ass, others are off limits as he well knows).

When are you due? I'm due beginning of Feb.

I hoped having a child would make him"man up"
He once said whilst watching some bad new article "if anyone ever hurt my sister id kill them" all whilst his wife and step daughter were sat next to him!Parents always drop in on the other siblings if we are near i quite often feeel uncomfortable as we all trapse into their homes unannounced as they are watching tv in their pjs with their partners.Very odd indeed.
"mad" they are very stuffy so breasts would be out of the convo.Another reason why i dont like them around too long,i am fairly down to earth and swear abit and am looking forward to having a drink again and i love agood gritty conversation and a good giggle,they are not at all like that it very much the best behaviour.

Sorry,yes am due Feb 5th but section booked for the 31st Jan.Been very breathless,have you?

Yes, I have too and my breathelessness leads to dizziness. Don't remember this first time around but maybe I have just forgotten.

Are you sure you're not secretly married to my "single" Bil?! It's fine for my Fil to get drunk and act (even more) like a tit but when I get together with my siblings, apparently we're "raucous" and laugh too loudly.

Take a leaf out of Boris Johnson's book.

Say 'There's no easy way to say this, but...' and then tell them what is going to happen, plainly, so there is no possibility of them misunderstanding. And do it with a big friendly smile.

love it,pottonista.
mad they do seem similar dont they?At my baby shower last week i was opening some champagne and a friends said"dont spill any" to which i replied loudly "im abloody alcoholic love do you think id waste any" mils face was a picture.
Was thinking back earlier about them being intrusive and remembered that we tried to have aquiet wedding (just us) 2 xmas's ago they found out and came!We asked them not to but they did.Also we went on winter break to a log cabin last yr had a hot tub and stuff really nice,they were about an hr and a half drive but came all the bloody time night and day till i had arow with dh and said no more.
I have to say tho it was him who rang them as soon as we got there and during the week.

oh yes and mad,my breathlessness makes me dizzy too,it goes off if i lie on my left side,i have been checked for clots on my lung but seems i just hjave to put up with it.Horible and didnt have it with the others.

Why is he so keen on phoning his parents? Blokes I've been out with have generally regarded phoning parents as a duty they have to do now and then. In 1 way a bloke being keen to phone his parents is sweet, in another it's a bit strange.
I'd feel undermined if I asked my husband not to tell his parents about our wedding or holiday and he kept ringing them and inviting them to stuff or letting them invite themselves.
Some of the blokes I work with moan that their wives are never off the phone to their mothers but it's unusual for a bloke to be like that.

Can't believe they still came to your wedding even though they were told not to and kept turning up on your holiday!!!

Your DH needs to stop phoning them and realise that you come before his parents!

its funny but posting on here has made me realise its not me being nasty they really are apia and yes he is playing into it.I agree about the phone calls im lucky to get atext from my 3 boys but thats cos they have busy lives and mates,they are right by my side if i need them tho.I will have a big test for him during paternity leave as it will be half term on his last week.This will be the first time we can all be together as afamily cos dd1 will be off.Unfortunately so will mil and im sure will expect to come for as long as possible.I have set the scene telling him how nice it will be to not rush around for school and we can have a day out and go out for tea and stuff.He agreed and said he was looking forward to it.Obviously nearer the time mil will announce her intentions and i am going to say a big no as by then she will have had afew weekends with us and baby.Lets just see if he backs me up cos if he doesnt i will pack up the kids and clear off to stay with my friend.Let him explain that to them!

Sounds like a good plan to me!

I woulnd't want anyone visiting every weeekend.

I wouldn't want visitors every weekend even if it were different people.

Even if they were lovely guests who brought food and helped out and made my life easier, I still wouldn't want this.

YASNBU (that's a SO there )

yes i agree,i wouldnt want my best bloody friend staying every weekend.She seems to think that we are going to merge into this big happy family,when in fact this has caused the most serious disagreements between me and dh since we got together which i am angry about as i am pg.

Oh ledkr I totally sympathise.

Both my mil(lives abroad) and my Aunt(also lives abroad, different place) were insistent they were going to come and stay for a few weeks straight after birth of DC1.

I had thanked them for the offer, but said DH and I really wanted some quiet time to bond with our new baby.

I returned home after 3 nights in hospital with newborn to be informed by my parents that Aunt was still intending to come and stay. I was FURIOUS. Mainly that other family members had not "looked after" me by also reiterating to Aunt that it was not a good idea. Even 13yrs on I still feel tearful when I think about it.

In the end I had to phone her myself and tell her very bluntly that I thought I had made it clear we didn't want ANYONE coming and staying with us for the first few weeks. It was awkward and embarrassing and the last thing I wanted to deal with as a hormonal, tired and sore first time mum.

So what I'm trying to say is that you need to have all this out with DH before the birth. Try and agree what level of contact is acceptable to you both - not just around the time of the birth, but ongoing.

It is your DH's responsibility to deal with his parents over this issue - obviously in a nice way if possible. Don't let it fester - good luck!

I definitely agree that you might just have to have a very clear word with them yourself if your DH won't do it. I found that simply announcing that I was going to feed DD and taking her off them and upstairs (with laptop & MN!!) worked a treat. Hide a secret stash of delicious treats somewhere and remember to turn off the baby monitor so they don't hear you munching

You're definitely wise to try not to worry too much about it right now. Who knows, the snow could be back by the time you have your baby and they'll be snowed in (problem solved). I think they will find the petrol costs of a weekly 6hr round-trip will soon add up to a tremendous amount. Plus you, DH & newborn will want to do your own things at the weekend; see friends, day trips, go away etc

Ohhh... on that note, it might be worth booking somewhere to escape too. DH & I seriously considered a holiday cottage less than an hours drive away. Make sure it's a small one bed and therefore they can't stay even if they did turn up. It's ideal for new family bonding without the visitors.

I was thinking that actually pch.I may look at options,only thing is i wouldnt put it past them to follow!I also feel a bit like why should i pack for 2 kids and travel from home 4wks post c section,they should just listen to our wishes.I had this out last night with dh and he aggrees it will be an important time for dd1 to have a week with jsut us.So there pil!!!

Never do understand why grown men find it so difficult to be firm with their mothers. If DS1 didn't feel able to say it wasn't convenient for me to visit I would feel I had raised him wrong. And if he failed to respect DIL's wishes, even above mine, that's the only thing he knows I really would give him a hard time for! I'm a tyrant under my own roof, mind you, but I think that's fair enough .

my MIL has been down to us every weekend bar 3 since DD was born.

She and FIL live 1.5 hours away.

Wish DH had nipped it in the bud.

I started making excuses to say we are busy but hate to lie to them.

Sympathy - YANBU

"If she says it again, laugh and say that they will have to get in the queue, that everybody (suitably vague!) is wanting to come and see the baby in the first few weeks, so that they will have to book their place in the queue like everyone else...' "

This is brilliant - to the point, assertive and sending a strong message and also very polite.

Don't do hints and don't do excuses - they'll come back with something stronger.

You need to get the balance of you as a unit and then also with your family and theirs.

Nip this in the bud now or huge resentment will build once your baby born and you are hormonal and in no state to fight your corner.

I've been there - I know. If I had my time again (I won't) I'd have just said it's going to be like this and like this and that's it. As it was I got into a horrible little manipulative scenario with mil - very much encouraged by my 'd'h - and it was hell - marriage has suffered - she was a nightmare and we're left with a mil who has a huge sense of entitlement (to the point we are in debt going to see her) who feels like a victim when we don't fly over to see her when she snaps her fingers (I'm talking not seeing her more than 2 x per year - ie all my annual leave).

Stop this one now.

Why lie Dotters? Why not just say you want some time to yourselves and don't want visitors all the time. I don't see why saying that should upset people.
I wouldn't want any relative to come and visit me every weekend.
Luckily husband is as antisocial as me and would hate the idea of his parents visiting every week.

I am in the interesting position of also being a mil and i have never been offended by any choices they make as a couple and would certainly never inflict myself on them.Consequently i think i am more welcome than my pil.
My mum told me not to lie cos they will find away around it.Went for meal with dh last night and suggested we go to see family(elderly gp) and pil during easter hols and he said how about half term.I pointed out that i was only going to be 4 weeks post section and dint fancy taking such a young baby so far.He then remembered that mil had sauid she was coming for the week as is off her school job.I said "absolutely no f'ing chance as i am planning anice week with dd as she will have been at school up untill then so will enjoy lots of time with the baby and us and that we can have some lie ins etc.I was very clear and he didnt bother arguing he actually seemed to agree. Stick that mil