to not want in laws every weekend

[ledkr]

Hi,i am due to have mine and dhs first baby in 8 wks.Unfortunatley his family all live a 3 hr drive away,we see them as often as we can andthey are very nice and obviously they will vist far more or we will, when the baby comes. However,at my baby shower last weekend mil announced to everyone there that they are intending on coming down every weekend when its born.She was not joking. Dh works most weekends and i work some when i return to work. I also have a daughter from my previous marriage who is 8 and of course my own family and friends.I cannot spend every wekend entertaining them ad as my monet gets less and less would actually find this a bit expensive too.They never offer to buy food and we go halves on take away or meals out.I would be surprised if anyone thought i was being unreasonable but id love some of your perspectives on this and possible solutions.Humerous suggestions most welcome as this has really made me feel abit down.

pink4ever - could they not come to you instead for christmas?

going-we simply do not have room.Live in tiny 2 up 2 down with no dining room.We have a v small table in living room that we have our dinner at but couldnt accomodate anymore. If lived in bigger house would def suggest this but only thing is they would prob want to stay the night(we do this at theirs cos I dont drive and my dh wont do xmas without a drink .

Personally I would get your DH to tell them that the first weekend isn't a convenient time for house guests but they are more than welcome the week after.

I had a bad birth with DS (not a c section) but I felt truely horrendous after and I had people pestering to visit and making us feel guilty and bad for not allowing them whenever they wanted to. I felt bad that we had to have a couple of days after we got home to ourselves as we were soooo exhausted but we were still being badgered.

This time, people can bugger off and come over when I am ready for them. I didn't say anything last time but this time I am doing things how I want to. I always look back and feel I had such a shit time after DS's birth. This time it will be very different. Apart from my nan its not like anyone was offering to help either, but all about when they wanted to see the new baby.

Do what you want to do and don't pander to what other people want. This is your time with your new baby, DD and DH.

YANBU. I would be honest and tell them you need some time together with the baby relaxing at the weekend and don't want to be always entertaining and wouldn't want guests more than once a month. You could suggest a webcam or something to show them the baby briefly at other times on skype.
Get husband agreeing first though.
Some people amaze me in the way they just invite themselves to other people's houses.
I think old people often forget how busy young working people's lives are.
Even when mine were babies we still both had hobbies that kept us active most weekends, not all the weekend but enough that we weren't free to constantly entertain people.

crazy christmas I did asume that at first they wouldnt be down the first weekend but started to think its a bit mean to make them wait two weeks to see the first gc so compromised by saying to dh just one night only esp as sil is now in the picture.They dont actually know this yet so probably assume they will arrive on Friday at 6 and not go home until Sunday night.Not sure how they will take the news but as you said its really our time. Mil had very easy births so prob wont get how i feel.
I am most dreading the fil here when i am in my pjs with a big pad and lots of blood and may need to sit on the loo for ages trying to go etc.What if i leak onto my clothes?Hes kind of awkward and doesnt know when to leave you alone,stood behind me on Saturday morning whilst i made porridge,told him to watch tv or put on radio but he just stood there!
I feel a bit resentfull cos as i said earlier i am in my ex marrital home which i kept with great difficulty and lots of hard work.If me and dh were a conventional couple we would be living in a small terraced house(and will be one day soon)not so comfy then if they on a lilo in the lounge and had to share one bathroom.

pink its amazing this reluctance to go aginst the parents isnt it?
I have 3 grown sons and am quite happy to sit back and let them live their lives.I invite them for xmas and if they choose to do something else that is not a problem and i certainly wouldnt inflict myself upon them constantly as i respect that everyone needs their privacy.y friend just suggested using the spare room for more and more storage space,i may put my bike in there as bump is too big to rid it now,it will get cold and lonely in the garage!

Good God what a horrific idea. This situation happened to me with ex-MIL, I found emigrating to Australia helped immensely.

furry boots thats just what id like to do.was moving to spain with dd1 when i met dh so stayed but may still be tempted.I know when pg everything gets blown out of proportion but i have even been thinking i regret marrying dh (who is the love of my life btw) cos i seem to have also inherited a clingy family.She has even told me we will be going on holidays with them from now on they are very straight an have a week at an excercise complex where they excercise all day every day whereas i like as long as possible somewhere different and like to lay in the sun have a drink and eat lots of local food.I am taking both dcs to Ibiza this yr for 4 wks to stay with friends and dh will join us for about 2 and a half weeks of that,she actually told me i couldnt do that cos of the heat and sterilising etc!!
Feel like this is going to be an ongoing problem,Aussie here i come.

Oh Ledkr I do feel for you as this is how it was for me when DD was born last year. PIL were round literally every weekend for the first 7 months, MIL just sitting for 4 hours holding DD and when she needed feeding, FIL insisting that MIL gave her the bottle, not me. They felt that they needed to bond with DD. Resentment ran high and along with other problems, our relationship is now very strained. DH admitted to not helping since he also encouraged their weekly presence but he feels this weird total obligation towards his parents and they now have a sense of entitlement. When we finally started not seeing them every weekend, we had to give them a reason why!! I'm 38 years old FGS, even my own parents don't demand to know what I do with my spare time!!

Second DC due in 8 weeks and I'm not having the same situation again, no way will they be in my house weekely. I'm going to BF so I've got to see how MIL will do that instead of me!!

Make sure you make the situation clear from the moment DD2 is born, every weekend is way too much. Get DH on side asap otherwise resentment will fester.

Agree. YANBU. It's lovely they are excited but I hate it when relatives just invite themselves over more than is appropriate. Have a list of things you are planning to do and say you want some time to bond with your baby.

If she says it again, laugh and say that they will have to get in the queue, that everybody (suitably vague!) is wanting to come and see the baby in the first few weeks, so that they will have to book their place in the queue like everyone else...'

You can then waffle on about not being sure about when you are going to fit in feeding the baby and sleeping and go a bit OTT about how you are never going to get to bond with the baby with everybody else wanting to come and have their turn in those first few weeks...

If you keep going on about the first few weeks then at least that shows that you are assuming she means just in the early days, if she then says she means forever, just stare horrified and say oh, sorry, it never occurred to me that you meant you wanted to come over every weekend, sorry but we'll not be here every weekend, but we'll sort out a few dates that are good for all of us as we go'

Zipzap has it right.

This does seem to be a bit of overkill, can they come round for the birth to look after other children and stay a little to welcome you home.

I loved having people round as soon as possible (either in hospital or at home) but then I love having family over, I would delegate various things to them, bottles, play with older sibs etc worked a treat and gave me a bit of company too.

The warning shots have been fired now, you definitely need your DH to lay out some boundaries for visits.

When expecting DD1 PILs took us to buy a car seat...(lovely of them I know)...FIL said 'oh we'd better get an isofix base for our car as we'll be having her (unborn DD1) a lot'. I ignored this, more fool me.

One week after I gave birth, we were expected to go round for the day with DD1. I said no (was in pain, tiny baby, only just getting into a routine etc). After that we were pressured into visiting or them coming to us most weekends. When we did go, we left too soon for PILs liking. MIL didn't feel like a 'proper' grandma and she cried and made snide comments. Only now 3 years down the line things have improved but it was a nightmare dealing with the PILs just after the birth. Thank god DH told them I had PND and to back off which they did. I actually get on with them really well now after thinking MIL was evil old cowbag.

Thanks everyone,i must admit dh is also very obligated to his family.There is an edge to his voice when i discuss this so have given up,i can actually envisage some conflict in the future which will be a pity,but mil is very strong and assertive as am i.
I wouldnt mind a few hrs at weekends at atime to suit but because they live away it will always have to be over night which really changes the dynamics for me.Wouldnt even want MY mum overnight tbh.
Dh lived here and owned a house and had a good job when i met him so its not as if i have dregged him away from his home town,this was always inevitable with whoever he was with.
I am hoping that being here that first weekend will be an eye opener for them,i will be in pain and emotional and will want lots of time with the baby and some sleeps,not that i want them to feel uncomfortable(much)but hopefully it will make them realise that it was a bit inappropriate.

oh yeah phish i will be leaving the pram in the shpo untill they have gone cos already been told they will "take her for a walk" sorry but i tried for 4 yrs for this baby and it will be me or dh along with dd who gets to take her for a walk first.

Hmm his reaction doesn't sound good. Ask him how he'd feel if it was his MIL coming to stay every weekend and he was expected to do all the cooking, house tidying, laundary etc. Also ensure you aren't constantly having your parents round as otherwise he may feel it's unfair, even if yours only visit for an hour or so at a time, if they're round very regularly he may feel it's unfair. Fine if your mum is helping you, not so fine if they're just baby fussing.

Oh god Phish, I remember my MIL crying and saying she didn't feel like a "proper nanny", this coming from the woman who along with FIL ensured that FIL's own parents rarely saw DH and his brother as they were growing up. I really hope that like you, my relationship with them improves with time, I don't want it to always be like this but I can't help but dread bringing DC2 home from hospital and facing the same problems I did with DD. As far as they can see, the problem is with me not them.

Ledkr please don't count on them being sensitive to your feelings, both emotional and physical, after the birth. My PILs would see me crying and just say "we'll pop over tomorrow too if that's okay". All about them.

Why didn't you then say "no, it's not OK. I'm finding having visitors all the time stressful and would like to have the house to ourselves for a few days to relax"?

You could have added "house and baby to ourselves" so they don't offer to "helfully" remove your baby.

My mum was threatening to do the same before I had our baby but it never really happened. She lives 3.5hrs away and comes up (or we visit) every few months. I think the excitement of it all meant she said a few things that don't quite work out practically. Mum even announced she was coming to our first meeting with the MW it was just to fill in the paperwork, not even a scan!!

I did put my foot down a bit to start with but mum wasn't nearly as bad as I thought she'd be and nothing further has needed to be said.

I'd suggest telling your DH that they can come for the day or one night post baby. Set times for them to go and make DH inforce it. Then see how it goes, try not to get too stressed about it before you have the baby as it might just work itself out.

mad you must be due at same time as me we should catch up and compare notes.I have asked dh for alaptop for xmas so i can hide away and mumsnet spitefully.
I am in no way thinking they will be sensitive as mum had very easy births and was in hospital for ages after.Also they dont do emotions or bad stuff.I had breast cancer and they have never spoken to me about it.They will not expect me to do anything at all thats the one good thind,but they are incredibly intrusive.Eg when they vist for the weekend they stay untill 7 or 8 on the sunday despite me and dd being showered and ready for bed and packed lunches made and homework completed.We both have school/work the next day.Even dh once asked when they were leaving and they said after dinner.WE had had a roast lunch quite late and we werent hungry.I went to bed then as i was so fuming and dh cooked a stir fry i think just to get rid of them.

My ILs 'helpfully' took DS when he was very young.

FIL with parkinsons drove a cardboard box for a car which, if had been hit, no one would have any chance in (and the route home was down a 70mph road). They picked DS up in the morning and brung him back in the late afternoon. It was far too long for me and I spent the whole time fretting (first time someone else took PFB DS and he was very young).

When they brought him back, the straps weren't over his shoulders, but under his arms, despite us demonstrating how to do it before they left. I had a fit and asked who had done it as they were wrong. MIL's answer was "well we can't be expected to remember everything" as if the thing that had forgotten wasn't of any importance.

I didn't let them take PFB DS in the car again, but dropped him around myself. But they don't actually offer to have him very much and I wonder if its because of that first time where I wasn't happy about the legnth of time. They also mentioned about getting an isofix car seat when they got their new car. As FIL is very shaky and MIL doesn't drive, we are not going to let them do this (and they were talking about 2nd hand carseats which DH said to them that can't get), we are not comfortable with them taking DS in the car. Luckily DH agrees with me completely. He hasn't said much but I don't think he was impressed with the straps not being done properly the first time and MILs couldn't care less attitude about it.

purple you are so right,my rl mate just said to me that worrying wont change it and that when i have the baby i am basicaly "the boss" and can set boundaries accordingly and lets face it if they dont aggree what can they do really?It really helps tho coming on here,we didnt ever expect to have a baby and i think i am getting carried away on wanting it all to be perfect.

Ledkr they really sound like they just don't take the hint!! I wouldn't want visitors for that long either!

Can you get your DH to set a 'time limit' on the visit or is he like mine and just buries his head in the sand and refuses to discuss it? Grrrrrr.

We weren't expecting to have children either (after the hospital telling us it was unlikely) which is probably why I am so upset about how it all went to pieces afterwards last time and I didn't think for a minute how I wanted to do things.

Luckily, like you said, if people don't like what we say, what can they do about it? I am caring far less about others feelings whereas before I would always think about them over myself.