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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to stop sending christmas presents to my step-sisters children, as she takes the labels off

376 replies

NappyShedSal · 30/11/2010 10:04

My step sister tells her children that all christmas presents come from Father Christmas. So she takes off any labels that are attached to the presents so that the children don't know they have come from someone else. She lives abroad so I have to post the presents, otherwise I'd hand them to the children themselves. Now, I know that it's her family's tradition. But a little bit of me feels like not bothering to get nice presents as the children don't know that I've gone to the effort.

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 01/12/2010 16:27

Thank-you mummytoatribe. I admit that I have been rather defensive, because I felt that my tradition (and I) were being rubbished. I suspect that this is quite an emotive topic as I think most of us get our Christmas traditions from our parents, so if someone disagrees with our tradition, it's like they are saying our parents are wrong as well.

Luckily none of my friends have the 'all presents from Santa' tradition, so I have not had to deal with it firsthand, unlike the OP.

I shall try to be a little less involved from now on.

emptyshell · 01/12/2010 16:41

Bit I don't get is - these kids are going to get to school, first day back in January the kids are going to talk about "nan and granda got me this, and my auntie ethel got me this"

...and surely the other kid is going to be stood there wondering why their family doesn't give them any presents! (Or if you're a smart-arse little oik like I was - wondering why I'd had to send presents to relatives without getting one back in return)

Part of gift giving is giving the present and knowing it reminds the person being given that YOU care about them - not some fictional guy with a bit of an obesity problem. That's not in the "demanding a thank you" way it's been distorted to be on here - but it's wanting little niece/nephew/honorary nephew etc to know that so-and-so was thinking of them and wanted them to have this. To remove that aspect of the gift from them - seems incredibly selfish to be honest and more than a little bit greedy (trying to grab a larger present pile but without any concessions to the feelings of others at all). See the example on the previous page of the dolls house to see where it can lead in terms of hurt feelings.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 16:46

Can't you skype them and say that although Santa has delivered your presents in the past this year you have told him you prefer to send your own-and hold them up so they can see the parcel you are sending?
I think it is very bad for DCs-how do they write thank you letters?

lowrib · 01/12/2010 16:56

emptyshell "To remove that aspect of the gift from them - seems incredibly selfish to be honest and more than a little bit greedy (trying to grab a larger present pile but without any concessions to the feelings of others at all)."

I agree

thequimreaper · 01/12/2010 17:44

emptyshell you can't stop the fact that other families do things differently and that playground talk is going to lead to questions for parents but this situation is different. It's not someone being told that all the presents don't come from Santa at school by another child. People on here are suggesting that the OP (an adult) should inform the kids that Santa doesn't bring all the gifts which I think is wrong.
The OP can have the full gift-giving experience with gifts bought at any other time of year. The OP could phone the children on Christmas day and they would know she was thinking about them. I assume the SIL thanks her for the gift and when the kids no longer believe in Santa they can thank her themselves.
I don't think it's greedy on the part of the parents - it's not as if they are flogging the gift and keeping the cash! They just have a different tradition that, perhaps, they enjoyed as a child.

emptyshell · 01/12/2010 18:44

It IS greedy though - it's wanting a bigger pile of "stuff"... without any of the nasty inconvenient family/emotional ties that go with it.

It's something I'd be soooooo pissed off about if a relative of mine did it - I wouldn't be giving Christmas gifts at all to be honest (might strategically wait till New Year or something and give something then). There's just no thought about how it might upset people who spend time and effort picking out a perfect gift, who might want the kid to associate that toy with Granny or whatever - just "let's plug the rellies for a bigger pile of parcels but not let them even have a gift-tag on."

Never met a FatherChristmasZilla before.

SkyBluePearl · 01/12/2010 19:05

can you send your presents late? Would that mean they keep their label?

Santa only fills a stocking here, drinks a bit of sherry and scoffs a pie. Mine still believe in him.

My children 2 and 7 know who sent them what and fondly remember for years. My kids also draw, write or phone to say thankyou for their gifts. It's only polite really and not a chore at all. I think i am in the minority though as most kids I know never give any form of thanks and the parents don't even acknowledge the gifts - which i think is very very rude.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 19:09

You could put some big drawings inside the parcel with a note and saying they are from you but that Santa offered to deliver them.Something the DCs couldn't miss.

thequimreaper · 01/12/2010 19:09

The pile of stuff would be the same size if there are tags on it or not and the parents aren't taking credit for the gifts so I really don't see how it's greedy?

lowrib · 01/12/2010 19:21

FatherChristmasZilla Grin

mummytoatribe · 01/12/2010 19:21

"You could put some big drawings inside the parcel with a note and saying they are from you but that Santa offered to deliver them.Something the DCs couldn't miss."

Nice, confuse and upset them on Xmas morning!

lowrib · 01/12/2010 19:22

"My children 2 and 7 know who sent them what and fondly remember for years."

This is the problem - if it all comes from Santa you're denying the child, and the adult that link.

I still have stuff which was given to me as a child and I remember the person when I see the thing.

lowrib · 01/12/2010 19:25

It's greedy because although you're explicitly saying the presents are from you (of course you're not, they're from Santa) but you are in a way claiming the experience of giving the presents for yourself, and denying the actual present giver a part in it.

lowrib · 01/12/2010 19:26

I meant although you're not explicitly saying ...

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 19:35

I don't see what is confusing about telling them they are from you- but Santa delivered them.
If that is a step too far I simply would stop sending them presents.
Because someone has weird, greedy ideas, about presents doesn't mean you have to join in. My presents are from me and I expect a thank you letter-or at least a phone call.
Some parents want to control everything and everyone and they can't!

Maternelle · 01/12/2010 19:37

How is it greedy??

I find it extremely materialistic to link your so-called family ties to the present you give to the child.
Is this tie based solely on the size of the present? How very sad.

By having all the presents from Santa for the 6 or 7 years that the child believes in Santa just protects a little bit of the child's innocence and keeps him away from consumerism for a little bit.
The parents know and are grateful and say thank you, and links are based on visits, conversations, cards and many other things.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 19:40

It is materialistic because the parent denies the DC the opportunity to thank the person. It is the thought that counts, not the present. My DCs did thank you letters from an early age-just a scribble to start with.
Parents provide Santa presents.

thequimreaper · 01/12/2010 19:40

What do you mean by the experience of giving presents? The OP wouldn't be there regardless - she is posting them.
There is no point second guessing whether the children would prefer the presents to be off relatives or Santa - it is up to the parents to decide what they think they would like best.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 19:43

It is up to the person giving the present!! I feel so strongly abouit it that if parents are going to be so controlling, they can do it without me and I am not going to be controlled. Luckily I had never heard of such a weird way of doing things before I read MN -and I am a big fan of Santa.

Maternelle · 01/12/2010 19:44

This "weird way" is the tradition in most european countries and quite a few british households.

thequimreaper · 01/12/2010 19:46

The child can write a thankyou letter to Santa if you want to teach them to say thankyou while the parents can thank the giver.

piscesmoon · 01/12/2010 19:48

I am sorry Maternelle but it really isn't! Santa comes on Christmas Eve and brings presents and family and friends give each other presents. I am quite confident that that is the way most British households do it. To have everything from Santa is materialistic and commercial and gets rid of the true meaning of Christmas-giving to others. Do your DCs not find it odd that you give presents to DH, Granny etc but not to them?!!
I don't know anyone in RL who has everything from Santa-and even if I meet them I am not taking part.

thequimreaper · 01/12/2010 19:48

So piscesmoon the child would miss out despite having no say in what their parents have chosen to tell them about Santa?

lowrib · 01/12/2010 19:49

Getting a load of presents protects a child from consumerism?! Hmm

Give over!

(Unless they're all home made, in which case my mistake!)

lowrib · 01/12/2010 19:51

"Is this tie based solely on the size of the present?"

Absolutely not! It is to with the thought, not the size of present! The fact that that person has thought of them and bothered to send a present. What's so hard to understand about that?