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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

i can't bring myself to leave ds with anyone

66 replies

biliouspoo · 29/11/2010 19:36

how unreasonable unusual is it to have a 6 month old baby you've never let out of your sight?

that's not quite true, i've been away for up to an hour before, but that's all.

if i use a baby sitter suddenly now won't the poor boy be desolate and get a bad case of separation anxiety?

would it help much if I wait until he's ten months? I've heard that babies are particularly susceptible to suffering from maternal deprivation between 6 and 9 months. Is there anything in it?

OP posts:
CrazyPlateLady · 29/11/2010 19:38

I think you are being a bit OTT with the maternal deprivation thing. Plenty of women return to work in this time and their babies are fine. However I am a SAHM and I didn't leave DS until he was almost a year I think.

I started worrying that he would have issues with being left so I started taking him to a creche for 3 hours a week. He is now 2.10 and he loves it. He never batted an eyelid when I used to drop him off.

ChippingIn · 29/11/2010 19:39

Biliouspoo - the sooner you do it the better. By 9 months it will be worse. It's not easy but you and he will be fine. Do you have a friend you trust with your life who you could try it out with first?

thisisyesterday · 29/11/2010 19:41

not unusual at all for me, or for others i know

if you don't want to leave him then don't. it's no biggie
ds2 wasn't left with anyone at all until he was about a year old

ds3 was left maybe a little earlier, but not for a long period.

ilikeyoursleeves · 29/11/2010 19:41

You might find that your DS is absolutely fine when you leave him. Perhaps a few tears but then he will calm down. I have 2 boys and they have always been pretty much fine when left with someone they know. Maybe start leaving them with people eg family they are familiar with. Babies will soon learn that you always come back.

Something to consider- maybe it's you who has separation anxiety?

hairyfairylights · 29/11/2010 19:43

YABU. 'seperation anxiety'? You're going to make a rod for your own back if you can't manage to be just a little bit less precious.

choufleur · 29/11/2010 19:43

Can you leave him with family so that you get used to leaving him? I think leaving them for the first time with strangers is actually worse the older they are.

thisisyesterday · 29/11/2010 19:44

oh and ds2 is now absolutely fine being left. no "rod" created here!
he has happily started nursery and the staff were amazed at how well he just slipped in and joined in with everything

so not leaving them from an early age most certainly does not create a rod for your own back.
in fact, i would argue that it creates a child who is secure in the knowledge that his mother will always be there for him- allowing him, when he is older, to happily be with other people- knowing you will soon return

so don't worry about it!

Grumpla · 29/11/2010 19:45

There's no right or wrong age, surely? But I think you need to be calm and okay about leaving him, or he will be pick up on your stress and freak out.

Rather than a strange babysitter, is there a friend / family member you could ask to mind him for a couple of hours? You don't need to be far away - just take yourself off for a coffee and a read somewhere with your phone handy.

If you find it really unbearable, go back to him. If you enjoy having the time to yourself, you probably need it!

You can work up from there to longer periods away / childcare.

Being apart is something that needs to work for both of you, so you need to figure it out together.

nickytwotimes · 29/11/2010 19:45

i don't think it's odd.

AnathemaDevice · 29/11/2010 19:47

I didn't leave DS with anyone for any length of time until he was 8/9 months old, and even then it was with my mum, and only when he was asleep. (She would come over while he was still awake, so he knew she was there, and wouldn't be too surprised if he woke up to find Nanna there instead of me)

I just didn't feel comfortable going out before then, and to be honest I hated it the first couple of times. DS wasn't bothered at all though, and now, at almost 20 months, settled to bed much better for his Nanna when she comes over than he ever does for me!

ChippingIn · 29/11/2010 19:48

I think it is important to leave them with other people, allow them to form bonds with other people etc You just never know when you might need to go into hospital (or worse) and how much more trumatic would that be for them if they have never had anyone else care for them?

MmeLindt · 29/11/2010 19:49

DD was 8mths before we left her with my SIL to go out to the cinema. I spent the whole film thinking, "Why am I sitting here watching this shite when I could be home with my baby?".

There is no right or wrong.

I would try it out sometime soon, because the first time is the worst and once you get that over with you can relax and enjoy going out occasionally with your DH.

My DD is 8yo now and I leave her for a whole week with my Mum without a second though.

beachavendrea · 29/11/2010 19:49

I had this with my ds, due in part to some issues i had after the birth, mine not his.

I eased myself into leaving him when he was about 5 months (until that time we were inseparable) , at first spending time with him and our nanny, then popping up the road, then out for a few hours and the other day the whole afternoon.

People used to try to push me into leaving him which used to annoy me but I really did it in my own time and when I felt comfortable leaving him and he was comfortable being left!

He loves his nanny and is far better behaved for her.

mylittlemonkey · 29/11/2010 19:50

I did not leave DS really until he started nursery which i am gradually easing him into at the moment. I had same thoughts as you that he would be miserable without me. My Ds is currently 9 months but i actually had heard that it is harder at 9 mths than 6 mths for baby to settle with someone knew as more aware when they get older.

For this reason i just started with spending an hour or two with him and his keyworker at nursey so he get used to environment and her. Then left for 30 mins, then an hour, then two, working up to half a day and then a full day. Will then do one a week working up to 4 which will be my hours when i return.

He has actually settled quite well and doing this more gradual process has made it easier for me to adjust to being without him.

Ask your childminder if you can do something similar.

belindarose · 29/11/2010 19:53

Is there any reason you need to leave him? I didn't leave my DD with anyone (except maybe with Mum or MIL when she was asleep in her pram in the day!) until 13 mo when she started with a childminder part time. She adjusted brilliantly and quickly.
Still haven't left her at night though (15mo) as she's such an awful sleeper!

MoonUnitAlpha · 29/11/2010 19:54

Separation anxiety peaks around 9-12 months I think, and tails off after about 18 months. Do you leave him with his dad at all?

It;s not weird not to want to leave your baby with a babysitter, but a bit odd not to leave him with family members imo.

violethill · 29/11/2010 20:01

I think it would be wise to try to distinguish between your feelings, and those of your child. He may well be absolutely fine being left with other people. If this is about you, then it would be sensible to address the issue before it becomes a problem. While a child needs a primary caregiver, the whole of life is about gradually building relationships with other people. That's not to say there is a right or wrong - and it certainly doesn't mean you have to start leaving him straightaway for long periods of time. But personally I would have gone up the wall if I had never let a child out of my sight for 6 months.

And the child's father is a special case - I think he deserves to have time alone with his son too, regardless of whether you choose to extend the circle to other adults.

maryz · 29/11/2010 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Horton · 29/11/2010 20:03

I had to go back to work when DD was 5 and a half months old. I was only leaving her with her dad or with my aunt for only five hours at a time, but it still felt incredibly wrong at a very deep level to be without her. She was so little. So I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. However you may be unusual in that I found that lots of people I knew were absolutely desperate to get out without their babies well before that, even if only for a few hours. Personally I loved the baby stage and didn't feel the need to go out.

I don't think it's remotely odd to want to be with your baby while he's so tiny. You will feel tons better about it when he is a little older, I think. Their ability to make themselves understood comes on in leaps and bounds between now and a year old, even without actual words, and I think that makes you feel much better about letting someone else take care of them.

Firawla · 29/11/2010 20:05

yanbu he is only 6 months, i dont think this is particularly unusual. if you don't want to leave him and have no reason to leave him, then why leave him? however if you do want to, then im sure he would cope okay. seperation anxiety is not exactly an age thing that you can look @ the timeline and think "ok 10 months he will be fine now" for mine i find it depends a lot on things like teething and general wellness, how clingy they become...
but i never really leave mine til over 1 yrs, i have an 11 month old thats never been left with anyone other than his dad take him for an hour or so, my 2 yr old was also like that but after he was 1 i started leaving him sometimes with family and he is fine, not clingy or anything so you wouldnt do them any harm by not leaving them @ this age. its not something you HAVE to if you dont want to.

runmeragged · 29/11/2010 20:06

It's not unreasonable or unusual, do it at your own pace.

Babies are all different. I left my DS with my mum when he was 10m to go for a meal and he went ballistic, my mum couldn't do anything to stop it. So badly so that my mum had to call me to come back. The minute DS clapped eyes on me, he started smiling and laughing. Anyway, he's at school now, no problems, but point is just do what suits you and don't stress about it.

AuntiePickleBottom · 29/11/2010 20:12

i left my dd aged 3 weeks a whole day with her daddy, while i had some much needed 1-1 with ds on a school trip.

ds i didn't leave him til he was 5.5 months old as i had to go back to work :(

but if there is no reason, then wheres the rush

Francagoestohollywood · 29/11/2010 20:20

I totally second Violethill's post. Wise words.

Original poster
biliouspoo · 29/11/2010 20:21

I don't have any family members nearby. I have left him with dm for an hour but he cried. I try to leave him with DH quite a lot but it rarely lasts for more than an hour before dh wants a fag he cries for me.

I'm thinking when he's less dependant on bm then it might be easier for everyone but want to prepare him as well as possible for when i go back to part time work 6 months from now.

Trying to work out if that means I should start leaving him with other people sooner or later.

OP posts:
RhinestoneCowgirl · 29/11/2010 20:22

He's a small baby, don't think it's that unusual to want to keep him with you. I think DS was around 9 months before I left him for more than an hour in the day (used to go out after he was asleep). He started with a CM when he was 12 months and bar a few intial tears settled in quickly.

DD is my 2nd and has been left a handful of times from around 9 months with close family or friends. She's nearly 2yrs now and has just started with a CM one day a week. She didn't even bat an eyelid on the first day, just picked up some toys and said goodbye.

Leave him if you want to, if you want some time to yourself. But if you don't want to, then don't - it's not obligatory!

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