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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i can't bring myself to leave ds with anyone

66 replies

biliouspoo · 29/11/2010 19:36

how unreasonable unusual is it to have a 6 month old baby you've never let out of your sight?

that's not quite true, i've been away for up to an hour before, but that's all.

if i use a baby sitter suddenly now won't the poor boy be desolate and get a bad case of separation anxiety?

would it help much if I wait until he's ten months? I've heard that babies are particularly susceptible to suffering from maternal deprivation between 6 and 9 months. Is there anything in it?

OP posts:

RhinestoneCowgirl · 29/11/2010 20:24

Oh and the difference between a 6 month old baby and a one year old is pretty huge - you'd be surprised...

Igglybuff · 29/11/2010 20:44

I used to "leave" DS for an hour a week with the ILs while I did my own thing (I was in the house just not in the room). Did this until he was about 1, then upped it to 2 hours while I had driving lessons.

I recently went back to work and he took 4 weeks to settle with the nanny - part of the issue was he was ill so clingy. I am also part time (3 consecutive days) so I think he found it a novelty at first as three days of "fun" then me for four days, then when nanny reappeared it started to sink in.

In the early days of leaving DS with the ILs I hated it as he was so young and did cry but would calm down. But I'm glad I stuck with it as had to go into hospital and felt happy that DS would feel secure with the ILs.

So in a long winded way, YANBU but give your DS a chance to spend a little time away from you.

fluffles · 29/11/2010 20:48

i personally think that mothers should leave their LOs with their fathers (particularly if fathers are also resident parents) and if you and he are not currently comfortable with that you should work up to it as an aim. it's healthy for the father and child, and ultimately the mother too.

other adults - whatever. up to you.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 29/11/2010 20:51

Why can't his Dad have him? Don't you trust him?

piscesmoon · 29/11/2010 20:53

I think that it is very unfair not to leave him with the father-think how you would feel if you only got an hour at a time and as soon as he cried DH took over. Arrange to go out for several hours and DH and he will have to cope-and you will find they manage fine-they are never given the chance.

MoonUnitAlpha · 29/11/2010 20:54

I wouldn't let your DH get away with that if it were me. DP has looked after his son for several hours at a time (between feeds) since he was a couple of weeks old. Watching the baby for an hour then handing him back to you when he cries isn't really parenting in my book.

piscesmoon · 29/11/2010 20:57

He isn't 'getting away with it' I expect the poor man is longing to be treated as an equal parent!

Showaddywaddy · 29/11/2010 20:59

You do what is right for you.

I didn't leave dd until she was well over a year, nearer 2. It just didn't feel right. And I believe that my instincts were right for my child.

She's 3 and a half now and has just started preschool. She is happy, well adjusted, goes in without a backward glance. She also has sleepovers now with her cousins and grandparents. She has close, loving, trusting bonds with her extended family and is comfortable with them. And I'm comfortable to leave her with them.

This whole 'rod' thing is just a stick to beat you with. And you can foster trusting relationships without leaving your child if it isn't right for you and your child.

piscesmoon · 29/11/2010 21:01

It also depends what is right for the other equal parent.(sometimes mothers seem to think they are in charge of DH!)

violethill · 29/11/2010 21:03

Totally agree piscesmoon. I think it's very unfair on the dad AND the child if a mum is possessive over the child. The fathers instincts and feelings are just as important as the mums- and the person at the centre of it all should be the child anyway. Don't deny them the right to have a special bond with both parents

megapixels · 29/11/2010 21:13

It is not at all unusual to not want to leave a six month old, I think it is quite normal. However not wanting to leave him with even his own dad or grandmother for an hour or two is unusual I think. You should work on that.

The first time dd2 has been away from dh or me even for 5 mins (as we don't have family in this country) was when she was three and started pre-school. She was absolutely fine, and settled in before most of the other children there. So I don't believe in the "getting them used to it" stuff. If you don't feel comfortable about leaving your small baby with a stranger right now, then don't.

Showaddywaddy · 29/11/2010 21:14

Oh that's true. You have to be co-parents.

I might never have left dd but dh was as hands on as I was. And I may not have left the house but she spent a lot of time playing outside in the garden with dh or reading/colouring/playing with him while I pottered in other rooms and out of sight or had a bath or whatever. It was very important that dh was equally able to be the one to comfort her at any time. And now she's older they bugger off for the day together and come back filthy and exhausted from digging up worms and rolling around in the muck.

Oblomov · 29/11/2010 21:17

I am most concerned that you don't let dh look after ds.
why are you so anxious or non trusting ? are you normally so very anxious or is your dh totally unreliable ? Has he done silly things in the past ?

I bf'd ds2 and then went and had my hair cut and coloured, when he was only a few monhts old. He was so happy with dh and ds1, who I trust implicitly. when I returned , within 10 minutes, he needed another bfeed. No problem at all.
Are there no ways round this. There must be, surely ?

WinkyWinkola · 29/11/2010 21:18

Not odd at all. If you're happy with not leaving him for a few months, then so be it. Do what makes you feel happy.

Your baby will be fine with a baby sitter but if the thought of it bothers you, then don't do it until you're ready.

And when you finally do do it, you probably won't enjoy the event you're attending because you'll be thinking about him all the time. But he'll be fine.

It is up to you though and don't feel like there's something wrong simply because you're not ready.

If he's 10 however and you're still not ready to leave him.... ... .... ...

Fernie3 · 29/11/2010 21:20

I have chldren the oldest is 6 then 4,1 and 4 months. I have never left the four month old with anyone apart from my husband and even then it's only been for a couple of hours because of feeding, my one year old i started leaving at around 12 months with MIL for a few hours now she is 20 months she has stayed for a weekend away at BILs a few times. It has been the same for all the children and the oldest are confident happy and never been upset at being left at school etc or being left this first few times at around a year.

Your baby is YOUR baby if you feel unhappy leaving him or if you think he is unhappy then you don't have to leave him although for your husbands sake i would try to allow him time alone with your baby even if you are in the house ( have a nap or a bath or something)

Unrulysun · 29/11/2010 21:20

YANBU - dd (27weeks) is asleep on me right now, we're going up to bed to co-sleep in a moment. I am plotting a trip to the hairdresser next week though. Parents coming up for the grand occasion, breastmilk expressed and pears pureed...

flowerybeanbag · 29/11/2010 21:26

Not wanting to leave him with a stranger is one thing. Not leaving him with his own dad is a bit different, and it's a bit worrying if you're not happy doing that I think.

WinkyWinkola · 29/11/2010 21:32

It'll all come in time.

Is your dh expressing concerns about only being left with ds for an hour at a time? Because when the lad is older, he'll be wanting to be with his dad all the time!

Just go with your instincts, take your time, there's no rush. Do what feels right to you. Don't listen to proscriptives saying, "Oh, you should do this, leave him with this person etc". Be sure you talk to your dh about it all though.

BubsMaw · 29/11/2010 21:39

YANBU to not have left him, particularly if you have had no need to leave him, and if you have no family close by. My first DC was nearly 2yo before I left her with anyone else (she'd had a couple of quick trips out with her dad, but no more than that). In hindsight I think it would have done us both good to have had some time apart, but for us it would have been difficult as we hadn't family near by, also she was never able to drink formula (multiple allergies) so I breast fed her often, and 'til she was a toddler. She is now a bit shy and anxious in new situations, perhaps lacking confidence, but of course that may just be the way she is and have nothing to do with her late separation from me. I think in the grand scheme of things it won't make much difference whether you start leaving him now, or at 10 months, but if you have the opportunity it would be good to start slowly, little by little, and build up his time away from you.

It's also worth saying that all kids are different and yours may be fine to stay with you exclusively until preschool age, then go off for hours at a time!

piscesmoon · 29/11/2010 22:21

I find it very odd that the mother is the 'superior parent,' the one who seems to be in charge and tells DH what to do and when to do it. We were both learning together and I feel so sorry for men if they are delegated to the odd hour instead of a fair share of childcare. It is especially sad for them if they are given toddler status and not allowed sole charge or have to be immediately relieved at the first cry.If you go out for 3 hours and DS cries they can both cope without you!

itwascertainlyasurprise · 29/11/2010 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

biliouspoo · 29/11/2010 22:43

It's not that I take him off his dad if he cries, no, dh brings him to me if I'm in another room and tells me that he needs to feed (although often he doesn't really).

dh is actually much more patient and able to get on with older children than I am. He just lacks confidence if the baby cries. He tries really hard with singing etc but when that fails it's easier to for him to give ds to me to find a boob I suppose.

I hear you all though. I will make more of an effort get them to spend more time together. It's possible I'm not really helping things because my own father was an alcoholic disaster and it's easy to forget that dh isn't him

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 30/11/2010 07:38

I expect that, because of your own experience, you don't actually associate men with nurturing and caring for DCs. Your DH will lack confidence with babies if he thinks milk is the answer to everything. Your baby is coming to the age where they will be able to be distracted and if you went out to do some Christmas shopping on your own I bet you would come back and find them both all smiles, having coped. You won't know unless you try.You DH will only become confident with babies if he gets the chance to try-no doubt he is fine with older DCs because he does get the chance.

MoonUnitAlpha · 30/11/2010 07:47

My dp is similar, if ds (4 months) cries he tends to bring him to me for a feed, though often it's actually that he's tired or bored.

Best way to solve that is for one or other of you to go out - ds (and dp) can manage fine without a feed for a couple of hours if I've gone shopping or to aerobics, or if they go swimming or for a walk or to the pub

TryLikingClarity · 30/11/2010 08:53

biliouspoo you sound like a bit of a worrier, which may be due to your own upbringing with your father.

Your DS is still very young, so give yourself some time to adjust to having him around.

My own DS is 9 months old and sometimes I hover around looking over DH's shoulder to make sure he is caring for DS 'properly'. DH tells me to bugger off now, whereas in the early days he prob would have done similar to your DH and hand DS back to me if he cried.

Your DH is learning too and both of you will hopefully gain confidence. But you need to try to trust him and tell him to try a few other things when DS cries to settle him, rather than bringing him straight to you.

As for your idea of maternal deprivation, have you read much about that? It isn't to do with a baby growing up into a dysfunctional mess if their mum nips out to the shop and leave them with another carer. MD is about when a baby is 'deprived' of a mother - like when the mother is totally out of the picture or inattentive to the needs of the baby for long periods.

You are doing fine! Try to relax a bit.

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