for feeling smug when mothers of school-agers describe themselves as "Full-time mums" or "Housewives"?

[CareeringAlong]

Name change...

Following from the threads about life at home when you don't do voluntary of paid work, although your children are of school-age, I was wondering if anyone else who does work can't help feeling a tad superior? Oh yes, I know I'll be flamed for this, but there it is.

These housewives seem to do all the things that working mothers do (cooking, cleaning, planning etc, etc, etc) but don't have any purpose outside of this. They seem to think that doing the supermarket shopping is a reasonable replacement for a 'real' career. I can't help but feel prejudiced against them.

I'm currently a SAHM as DD is pre-school, but will do paid (and voluntary) work as soon as she's in school. I'm looking forward to building-up my career again and working for the family.

Oh, and before anyone jumps on this, I've always cooked decent-quality meals from scratch, even when I worked v. long hours; my dogs are walked in the early hours; and my house is always clean and tidy. I argue that ironing is for losers, however!

OK. Hard hat on!

"I would be frightfully lazy when I could get away with it, then get stressed for not getting everything done, and feel guilty for being frightfully lazy earlier etc etc. "

You've perfectly described my modus operandi!

However, am like this at work as well!

I thought this was the norm for all women? Isn't it?

Now I know why my desk is the state it is, and why my feral children are the way they are.

if you've time to be bored & post on here, then your "Career" obviously isn't as full on you'd have people believe, (either that or a total wind up)

so yes YABU to feel smug, perhaps you could come back when you really DO have the Career you would have us believe, & see if you still feel smug, as opposed to envious of SAHM

different horses for different courses, if you're lucky, its a life choice, thats all, nothing to feel smug or otherwise over

I went back to work (full time) when babies were 20 weeks and 10 weeks old. But I did not feel smug- and neither should you.
I was the main earner so I my husband worked part-time.
I note you make a distinction between mums with children below school age and those with children at school. But how many people can find jobs with hours entirely within the school hours- particularly if travel is by public transport? What about school holidays?
The truth is that working means relying on others to look after your children - either paid or unpaid.You are not doing it all yourself.So no cause for smugness.
Working with childcare or doing all the childcare yourself should be a choice.We should give each other a break.I've faced hostility for being a working mum - and, having given up work due to being chronically sick- hostility for being at home.

The trouble is stix, it isn't a free world. Employers want a flexible workforce so employees might not get as many hours work as they need. Some choose to stay at home, some their employers choose to give no guaranteed hours. So may as well make the best of the no work available time to bank sleep hours/do housework/whatever, for when there is a busy week/something happens to prevent sleep. I feel lucky to get that chance and sympathetic to those that don't get that chance but at the same time admire that they have have managed to get guaranteed work. Not getting at you, totally agree with rest of post, I expect you and other people who say that sort of thing didn't mean every non wealthy SAHM has truly chosen to sponge your hard earned income (or like someone else said, sponge off a man) - just trying to clarify. (not smug about time I get to choose what to do at home, when overwhelmed with it all and wondering what to do first).

GlitteryBalls - you are describing me to a 't'! Cleofartra - we are clearly twins!

stix I know you didn't use the word "sponge", just some do.

SharonM1 I could of almost written that myself, I too have been on both sides of the fence, & had people turn up their noses either way -

I really DID have a very full on Career, & work pressure meant I barely had time to eat, let alone faff around posting on here & like you my DH was a SAHD & I too ended up chronically ill & had SAHM forced on me - despite loving my career, I actually feel blessed to now have that choice forced on me

as a result, I think only those of us who have walked in the others shoes can really judge "the other side" & sat here on top of that fence the idiots who do feel smug that they are more worthy than the other, need to take a long hard HONEST look at themselves, & cut the other some slack

Today I am rather glad I'm a SAHM even though my children are at school. After walking the younger two to primary, I returned home to find dopey DS1 (11) in tears on the doorstep because he'd waited over an hour in the snow for the school bus it turns out he missed and had forgotten his phone and his door keys.

I really don't understand why people feel the need to behave like total wankers over what other people decide to do. Smug, cowardly name changing twunts like the OP are the kind of people I hope fail to find the job they think is waiting for them. I have no respect for them whatsoever and they deserve none.

Are you sure there isn't a tiny bit of resentment in you? Im assuming, rightly or wrongly, that you are choosing to go back to work and that it is not out of financial necessity. Why do you are care about how others choose to live their life? It's their business not yours. Do you feel guilty for not being in paid employment?

You may maintain a well run home and go to work, but what sort of quality of life will you have? You will be rushed off your feet and constantly knackered.

Do you want a medal or something?

GlitteryBalls - I am a bit like that too - and that's where voluntary work is so good. You get the chance to contribute, learn new skills, you get a lot of positive feedback (unlike some paid jobs), and it is flexible. It has saved my sanity

Only read OP but YABU. However it is your choice to think that way. I sometimes felt very lucky that (when I SAH with school age kids, I have another little one now) I had my time to myself rather than having to go to work for someone. I didn't see the appeal of work or juggling childcare, I didn't want to leave an ill child etc etc. i felt abit 'sorry' for the full time working mums as felt they were kind of cultured into this way of thinking and working and were missing out. However, I acknowledge some people need or want to work for their own reasons.

I am sure some people looked down on me or felt smug but it really doesn't bother me since I was happy. I have been through numerous difficult situations in life that have taught me not to care what others think (other than family obviously) so this is no different. In fact i quite enjoyed being 'different'.

bunbaker guess what?! You learned a new computer skill, striking out, today! That skill could be transferable to the workplace! stix, larus, you have taught a useful computer skill while on mm! giddy, cleo, getorf and all the other sisters on here, thanks for understanding and being sisterly to fellow women and especially, standing up for a woman's right to be a bit lazy sometimes..

Only sometimes, a1b2??

I tend to agree with you.

Although I don't think you should look down on mothers who stay at home, I do think women who manage to juggle work and home life should feel proud. It is bloody difficult.

I do often wonder what mothers who SAH even though their children are in school do all day. Part of me is a little envious but the main part of me would HATE that. I like having a career.

oh StayingDavid, you have reminded me of another task to add to the list.

A1b2

I've always wondered why people think that childcare gets easier once DC are at school. For all my working friends it has been a real headache.

Many found their 4 year olds were exhausted after breakfast club, school then after school club. And it is really expensive if you have three children like 'me.

I will be returning to work when DD3 is 3 but that is only possible with (free) family help. Frankly I am terrified at the thought of juggling it all. dP is in for a rude awakening.

Oh and this brings me round to one of my frequent soap boxes: the absense of AFFORDABLE childcare in the United Kingdom for everyone. And I don't want state run childcare. They can't run the schools very well, so def don't want them meddling in the care of my babies. But, I do think childcare should be reasonable affordabel to normal people who want to work but can't because they are crippled by the (outrageous) price of childcare.

op you remind me of my mother who was never pleased with what I did - she once shouted at me that I was just a housewife so couldn't have any opinions. lol - that was before mumsnet!! I love being a sahm. It's the hardest job I'vev ever done & for me the right place to be.

I would go state care for nursery Every Time. Their staff are trained to a higher standard, lower turnover of staff who also seem to have a real interest in their work. All my kids have been to state pre school and it was fantastic.

Thanks scottishmummy for the tips on the SAHM/WOHM thread for a newbie such as myself.

It is so funny. Just chillax people!!

PS it seems I have to post the word cunt to become a fully fledged mumsnetter?

I have the Holy Grail - a part time job which fits in round school hours with an understanding boss. By careful useage f my holiday time, family memebers and DH's holiday time, we have holiday periods covered.
We need both wages coming in to manage. I'd consider an evening job too, if I could find one which didn't finish too late.
But I'm jealous. I'd give anything to be able to afford to Stay at home.
I have no time to do anything for me, no time for houseowrk, no time to prepare for xmas, to do any xmas shopping etc. I am wound up, stressed out and pissed off.
And heartily envious of all you SAHMs whose children are at school.
I don't feel smug, I feel like a mug.

You are entitled to feel whatever you want - but feeling smug is a waste of time and fairly unpleasant. Let's hope that your job-hunt is productive enough for you to continue to feel smug in the current economic environment, hey. Or perhaps you think it will all have magically got better when you're ready for work again?

Strix I know a lot of people have a big issue with the cost of childcare, and yes it is a large percentage of my take home pay. For some people I know that it is a big reason in not returning to work.

I would say though (at risk of flaming) that the hourly rate for childcare where we live is considerably less than for a cleaner - presumably because most people in childcare have more than one child paying per hour to make up their wage. The thought of paying someone to clean my house (I wish!) so much more than the lovely people who look after my children is a little difficult for me.

We use the salary sacrifice thing to help pay for childcare. Our eldest also gets 5 sessions of preschool per week. There are also lots of other benefits/tax breaks, some depending on salary, that go to parents. Am not saying that we don't need more affordable childcare, just that someone has to pay for it and given its importance, the amount it actually costs per hour is pretty low already.

It took me 15 years to get sufficiently qualified/experienced to do my job and if I hadn't gone back after a year then I would not have been able to return without considerable retraining. I make no apologies for working, nor do I ask SAHM to do so for their choice - am aware of the issues, pros and cons, in terms of child development and childcare pre and during school - and feel that dealing with these is part of the package.

I would also say that this 'perfect' childhood, where the mum is a full time carer, is a relatively new concept and having the luxury to spend so much time with our children, on maternity leave or as a SAHM, is an amazing privilege. I know my mum, who was a SAHM until I was 6, spent considerably more time doing household chores than I have to and previous generations have certainly not been raised on a one to one basis - it just wouldn't have been practical.