Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this note patronising and high handed

147 replies

lobsters · 29/11/2010 14:23

I live on a modern housing estate, it's fair to say it's not the most neighbourly place in the world, we don't not get on, I just really don't know most of my neighbours, and the street is a funny design so I never see them. The street is also on a steep hill up the side of a valley.

Anyway, I've been in all day working from home, just found this note has been pushed through the letter box and for some reason it has really annoyed me. AIBU?

To quote

Dear Neighbour
As you are aware snow is on its way. Our road is very slippery and we need to be prepared. As courtesy to our fellow neighbours could you please grit the section of road outside your house so that it is safe to walk on the road.
Last year was really difficult and treacherous, especially walking children to school

Many thanks
No 31

Why put the note through? Why now knock on people's doors and have a chat? Surely that would be nicer if it bothered you so much? And where am I meant to get grit from? I can clear the snow once it's fallen, but I don't have spare grit lying around to use in advance.

Am temtped to return note with something equally patronising

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 29/11/2010 19:53

Sounds reasonable to me. We live in a small cul de sac and all go out (apart from one young couple, grr) at the first sign of snow and clear the entire street. It's a real pull-together type affair. A note in this case is a fairly pragmatic approach to the problem.

bruxeur · 29/11/2010 19:54

Absolutely fine.

OP is touchier than skinned cat in a salt mine.

activate · 29/11/2010 19:55

reasonable and unpatronising

you're having a meltdown for no reason

BigHairyGruffalo · 29/11/2010 19:55

YANBU. It is a good idea, but if everybody pulled together last year then it does seem patronising to send a note this year.

ItalianLady · 29/11/2010 19:55

Not patronising, not high handed. Good idea and the chances are the deliveries don't have the time to knock and talk to everyone.

zeno · 29/11/2010 20:00

YABU, but I'm getting the impression you only asked here to validate your feeling of annoyance.

PonceyMcPonce · 29/11/2010 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDaffodill · 29/11/2010 20:08

YABU

In fact, I was mulling over sending a similar one on my street. Our neighbours bought grit last year and until then I had no idea you could purchase it as an individual. It is so rare to need it where we are and I never came across snow until I was an adult.

I valued pointers on how to help and was grateful when the neighbour showed my last year.

SkylineDrifter · 29/11/2010 23:08

YABU. It's a politely worded request. Why not just comply with good grace.

MrsCuldesac · 29/11/2010 23:31

It could be the spread of Call Me Dave's Big Society. Beacon boroughs include the London borough of Sutton, where the local council is encouraging every household to rock up and collect a bag of free grit with just this initiative in mind; if everyone does their bit outside their own house, we'll all benefit - apparently. The thing is, there has to be a certain number of people within the community who galvanise their neighbours. Some see this as patronising, bossy or high-handed. Others appreciate being included and want to contribute. Others just can't be arsed. You pays your money and . . . watch this space.

Lagsjam · 30/11/2010 00:53

I agree with other posters who would also use this as an opportunity to go round and have a chat with No. 31. But then I'm a nosey parker. I can see how if you're having a bad day this might have rubbed you up the wrong way but I think you might just be being a tad oversensitive. She might be a person who is completely bored out of her brains and thought she would do something useful. Or she might well be a complete PITA - I'd be too curious to not want to find out (plus you might also find out some useful info re. grit/salt) Let us know won't you if you make actual contact? Grin

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 30/11/2010 01:11

I'm trying really REALLY hard to find this note offensive. But I'm failing miserably.

I think it's a good idea.

She may well be someone that slipped in the snow last year (because of the black ice situation instead of it being gritted).

ragged · 30/11/2010 06:02

Do all of you have bags of grit hanging around the house at home? We don't, never thought of it! And nobody grits our road either (but we aren't on a hill, admittedly).

Expecting each household to grit a section of road all winter, even if it's only as and when, seems a lot, some people won't have mobility, time or money to do it. They can only ask, though, they might be better off investing in better quality footwear for walking to school.

thumbwitch · 30/11/2010 06:13

I think the note is reasonable, tbh. It is quite difficult to politely word a note asking people you don't know to do something. They can't know whether or not you've thought of it yourself; and it doesn't sound like you have if you don't know where to source the grit so it's a timely request for you to get some in.

On the other point - wtf were your council thinking to remove the gritbins?? Have you not all been up in arms complaining this week to get them put back? I would get onto them ASAP about this, given what happened last year.

ragged · 30/11/2010 12:27

How well does it work to apply grit on steep hills... doesn't it just wash away quite quickly? Confused

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 30/11/2010 12:45

Only if you have heavy rain - which means that the snow has gone!

TandB · 30/11/2010 12:51

Poor note-writer. Probably sat there for hours tearing up drafts of the note in case people took offence at her phrasing. She eventually settles on the most bland, non-offensive, factual wording she could, and finds that no-one in the street is talking to her because they think she is patronising/unfriendly/presumptuous/insert adjective of choice.
Bearing in mind she lives at number 31, that means at least 30 other doors to knock on - the note seems sensible to me!

Miggsie · 30/11/2010 12:53

I think they have a fair point, last year no one cleared snow in our road, it got trodden on, froze and became sheets of ice and really really dangerous.

In Germany and Switzerland it is a legal requirement for each household to clear the snow from the path in front of their houses.

frgr · 30/11/2010 12:54

yabu

it's a polite note, a reasonable request. i wouldn't have knocked on doors either, i'd assume that people who were at home during a weekday were either working from home (as you were), on nightshift or with little ones (not wanting to disturb). besides it would have taken ages, and they maybe don't WANT to chat to a whole load of new people - making small talk for 10min at each house would have taken hours.

so yabu.

Ephiny · 30/11/2010 14:29

"It is quite difficult to politely word a note asking people you don't know to do something."

Yes, but if you can't think of a way to say what you're going to say politely, maybe that should be an indication that you shouldn't say it at all.

I don't see what it's going to achieve anyway. Those who would have done it anyway will do it anyway, those who are unable to do it are not helped by a note ordering them to do what they can't do, and those just unwilling or lazy or who don't see the point are perhaps even less likely to bother in response a bossy note from someone with no authority to tell them to do anything.

Again, I do think people should clear outside their house - I do, and also pick up litter and have swept up broken glass (and picked up other people's dogs' poo), and while it would be nice if everyone did this, or just didn't leave a mess in the first place, I would not dream of writing notes like that to other people in the street suggesting how they should behave. I cannot even begin to imagine feeling entitled to do that.

I bet No31 is a teacher and has got used to treating everyone like kids Hmm

thumbwitch · 30/11/2010 14:47

But it was polite, IMO! Just not in the OP's.

PuppyMonkey · 30/11/2010 15:31

It was a polite, sensible note - but I'd still be pissed off if I got it through my letter box Grin

PinkElephant73 · 30/11/2010 15:43

YABU

the neighbour probably did this via a note to be less confrontational than knocking the door. also a lot of people are out in the day so if they just replied on door-knocking, they would miss most of the street.

it seems like a well-intentioned act to me and I wish our neighbours would grit or sweep their pavements in the snow as few did last year and it was treacherous.

ps get some value dishwasher salt from the supermarket, thats all you need as "grit".

LoudRowdyDuck · 30/11/2010 16:28

I can't believe anyone think this is not patronizing.

They've put this note through a stranger's door - how rude! How do they know it's someone who's in/able to get out in the snow? The OP says her neighbours don't know her,o it is very rude to assume she is able to get out and grit the road - what if she were disabled or elderly?

Surely if you really want to be neighbourly and see a patch of snow that no-one has cleared, that's the time to knock on the adjacent door and check that whoever lives there is ok and isn't holed up waiting for it to be safe or them to get out?

piscesmoon · 30/11/2010 16:32

It is only patronising if you take it as such-I think it a bit oversensitive to worry about and a good idea.