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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want the dc's to be allowed to open presents on Christmas morning without the il's being there!!!

136 replies

CherryPie3 · 26/11/2010 11:31

This is such an irritating issue between myself and dh so I apologise in advance as I need somewhere to rant!

We have 3 children, every year we have the sane argument - no presents allowed to be opened until dh's parents get there!
When they eventually do get to our house (they live 45 minutes away) I get given the order to make the coffees and breakfasts for everyone while they observe MY children opening the presents that I chose for them, I end up missing the majority of Christmas morning and it's upsetting because it only happens once a year and this year (again) I want to be selfish and spend Christmas morning with just me, dh and the dc's there.
This year it's going to be a tiny bit different as our youngest ds is just 5mths old, I'll be bf'ing him so that restricts how much I can join with dd and ds1 but at least I'll be able to watch their faces.

Ive repeatedly asked dh to ask his parents not to come until afterwards but he refuses each tine saying it isn't fair to them, and also his grandparents were always there on his Christmas morning so it's all he's used to I guess.

Ok rant over. Sorry
Give yourselves a pat on the back if you read to the end :)

OP posts:

matildarosepink · 26/11/2010 11:51

How about delegating the bits you don't want to do (breakfast a no-brainer, and besides, you're busy. They should all be waiting on YOU!!) Decide how you want the morning to go, let the ILs know your plans and it's then up to them to fit in with it. They've already had their children, and you won't get this time back. Have some family time with some presents first without them, they can show up later. You and DH run the household jointly, yes? Therefore there's no reason why your wishes shouldn't be given equal weighting. It's clearly all been his (and their) way every year for a while now, and it's OK to change it.

Jareth · 26/11/2010 11:53

You make them breakfast? Wows.

Tell them to eat breakfast at theirs before they come over, and then all sit down and open your presents together,. They've got a cheek making you make breakfast and sitting down with your children

expatinscotland · 26/11/2010 11:53

Why on Earth are you taking orders for coffees and breakfasts?

You're not a waitress.

If they want to order some breakfast, they need to go to a fucking restaurant.

I'd make it crystal clear to your 'd' h: either they're here for a certain time or the pressies get opened.

And that the fucking breakfast bar is closed.

If they want to be served, they can go to a restaurant. Or they can help themselves.

It's not you invited them over, they invite themselves.

Ormirian · 26/11/2010 11:55

Could you and DH make breakfast for all of you before they come (assuming it's not a cooked breakfast) and then eat it together after they arrive. And then open the presents?

MackerelOfFact · 26/11/2010 11:55

Let his parents come when they like, but let the DCs unwrap their presents earlier if you want. I do the stocking thing too - let them unwrap these in your bed with you all in your PJs, to diffuse some of the excitement, then unwrap the rest after everyone has had breakfast. At which point the ILs turn up is up to them - if they want breakfast, they turn up at breakfast time, which is before unwrapping time!

onepieceoflollipop · 26/11/2010 11:56

expat love it when you tell it to us straight.

I will be no doubt posting my own Christmas woes about my ils and you and others have always helped out with some straight talking advice on how to sort them.

Quenelle · 26/11/2010 11:56

So you've always had to wait 45 mins for the GPs to arrive, but they've not been prepared to wait 15 mins while you make breakfast?

YANBU. Tell your DH to make the breakfast if his parents have to be there. And give your kids an extra present first thing for being so patient.

Also, never describe yourself as 'selfish' for wanting to see your own kids' faces when they open their presents on Christmas Day.

thisisyesterday · 26/11/2010 11:56

ok, well i think it's nice for grandparents to be involved, but the way it is happening at the moment is totally not on! so i suggest you either:

ask them to come over MUCH earlier. say you'll be having breakfast at 9.30am or something and if they aren't there that's tough.
let kids open stockings, all have breakfast together then open pressies together

OR get your DH to do breakfast for a change while you are doing pressies

SkeletonFlowers · 26/11/2010 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deux · 26/11/2010 11:58

I think you have every right to spend Christmas morning without your ILs if that's what you want.

Your ILs have had their family christmases and now it's your turn.

Your DCs can show their grandparents their already opened presents later in the day.

I don't see why you should have to compromise. It sounds as though your DH would rather please his parents than you. This isn't right, is it?

IMO, he should be concerned for your welfare and if you find this rigmarole too much then he should be seeking a solution. My DH can be spineless when it comes to his parents.

At the very least, I think your DH should be making breakfast regardless if his parents are there or not.

crazygracieuk · 26/11/2010 11:59

YANBU- I think he should at least make the breakfast and coffees or do an easy breakfast like croissants or toast.

KangarooCaught · 26/11/2010 12:01

Or if you just want it to be you as a family together, just hold back the ILs' presents until they arrive.

My ILs have previously invited themselves to come & watch the dcs open their presents and then go home (3 hr round trip) ... emotional blackmail as who would turf them out and send them on their way just before lunch?

Ormirian · 26/11/2010 12:01

"Your ILs have had their family christmases and now it's your turn. "

Oh dear This is the point when I can feel myself getting cross. What is this 'they've had their day so they can butt out' business about? Isn't that a bit mean-spirited. If a compromise can be sought why not include them?

expatinscotland · 26/11/2010 12:02

They're being selfish on two levels: one, treating you like a waitress. You and your husband are enabling this, because I'd have herded their arses into the kitchen to muck in the second they trotted out their orders.

If they balked, then they'd have gotten nothing.

After all, you didn't invite them, they invited themselves.

Secondly, expecting the kids to wait till they can bother themselves to get there.

That would have worked on me until I was about, oh, maybe 8. Then I'd gone and opened them myself whether they were there or not and if they threw it in my face I'd have told them point blank to get there earlier.

And that my mother's not a waitress.

WherecanIhide · 26/11/2010 12:02

I'd be furious - damn cheek! You've allowed yourself to miss out on your children opening their presents. You need to be more assertive cos I bet you were busy in the kitchen seething and full of resentment. Could you not explain to your dh parents how you felt missing out? I don't blame you for wanting to be 'selfish' but if they have to go to your house then either get breakfast ready before (something quick and easy) or after - when you're ready. Only do breakfast if it is the only way to get them to yours early enough so your children don't have to wait too long to open their long-waited-for presents. x Are you cooking them Christmas dinner as well?

ArcticRoll · 26/11/2010 12:03

YANBU- god there is no way I would allow this-you need to be more assertive.

onepieceoflollipop · 26/11/2010 12:03

Kangaroo that's awful. (i.e. them waiting to be "turfed out" assuming they had agreed to coming and leaving before lunch).

We have similar with ils. If I am not working I choose to do a scaled down Christmas dinner which they would not be happy with. (up to them). We have a proper dinner at my parents on a different day.

We can't win; they don't want our dinner, but they don't want to be at home by themselves either.

Once they came for tea and were most put out that my parents were here as they didn't mind the scaled down dinner and had accepted our invitation. They refused all food and drink as a protest.

Firawla · 26/11/2010 12:04

why do you let them boss you about?
if they say "they are not allowed to open presents till they come" i think the normal response will be "sorry but it is our house and our dc, we can make our own rules"
who do they think they are deciding what is allowed or not, then ending up in you miss out on something important with your own kids, just to please and pander to them? you need to stand up for yourself, i dont think that is on.
with inlaws once you start saying no to them, they tend to get the message but if you just give in to them on everything you're gonna spend your whole life @ their beck and call, after a few years i started sticking up for myself with mine as a result i feel much more relaxed and better generally, never let people walk all over you whether they are dh parents or not

thisisyesterday · 26/11/2010 12:05

agree with Orm, not nice to exclude.

how would you feel if it was YOUR grandchildren you wren't allowed to see?

there is definitely room for compromise here.

and think about the children too. we nearly always spend christmas by ourselves when i was little, but I can honestly say my 3 most favourite christmasses were the one where we went and stayed with my Grandma, and twice when my Nana stayed with us.
it's nice having extended family around, makes it all more jolly IMO!

sillytart · 26/11/2010 12:07

YANBU - I would want to keep the peace so your dh needs to realise that to keep everyone happy including you there needs to be a compromise.
I would ask il's if they would like to join your family for breakfast and then set a time. Then tell dh that the children will be opening the stocking presents whilst you wait for il's to get there otherwise it's not fair on children (unless you il's arrive at 6am!!) and then he will be cooking breakfast for all of you whilst you feed baby . Only after breakfast will the main presents be opened.
That way everyone should be happy (possibly not dh as he has to cook breakfast but tuff, it's about time he did it!)

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster · 26/11/2010 12:08

I fully understand why you are hacked off. This year you are unable to move from the sofa as your baby will need a sudden and lengthy feed. Your husband will have to run around after his parents!

Personally, if I had a dh like this I'd tell him to p*ss off.

expatinscotland · 26/11/2010 12:09

Fair enough, their being there. But their setting the terms - no presents opened till we're here, oh, go fetch our breakfast - is not.

Ormirian · 26/11/2010 12:09

OK.

Breakfast is coffee and croissants which can be prepared (by both of you) before they arrive.
When they arrive you all sit down and eat breakfast and the DC open presents then.

But before the event make sure they know that breakfast is at X o'clock and won't be delayed.

How's that?

SkeletonFlowers · 26/11/2010 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ormirian · 26/11/2010 12:10

Are you sure it's your ILs setting the rules? Might it be DH not wanting to rock the boat?

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