Not to want friends involving my 9 yr olds in our disagreement

[Solo2]

A nasty blow-up is taking place between me and some friends about the fact that my twin 9 yr old sons no longer want to go to theirs to stay overnight - and nor do I want them to stay. They've stayed about twice a year over the last 2 to 3 yrs.

I had tried to do all this without a big show-down by both saying the twins were busy with other things and then, when the friends pushed for a better explanation - that perhaps my sons had outgrown the novelty of staying with this couple, although still enjoyed seeing them.

There have now been several phone messages left by the friends who are 'up in arms' about the situation and who are demanding to talk directtly to my little boys about why they don't want to stay with them anymore.

To me this doesn't feel appropriate. I feel it'd be best for me, as the adult, to sort it out with the other adults and then only at the end perhaps have the children saying their bit. In fact the issues about the friends enforcing their own rules and ideas on my sons without first checking with me that this is OK is right at the centre of me not wanting my sons to stay overnight with them.

I previously posted on here some time ago about these same friends giving alcohol to my sons without my permission and also cups of tea (which they'd also never had), which made one of them vomit copiously. They've driven the children around after they, the adults, have been drinking (alcohol), let one DS stay all day in vomit soaked clothing whilst taking him out and about. They've let them go to the local shops on their own, in the busy city where they live, when my sons have never yet been allowed to cross roads etc independently in a similarly busy city. I feel I should be the one to do these things first with my DCs - not the friends - and do it in my time and in my way, as they're MY children!

The issue for me is not so much that they let or encourage the DCs to do things that I wouldn't but more that they've not discussed anything first with me and checked I'm OK with this. Perhaps worst of all is that they've continued to take a 'parental' role with my DCs even whilst I've been there, in direct opposition to what I've been saying.

One eg is them making DS1 eat everything on his plate, when he was too full to do so and saying if he didn't, he'd have to pay them money. They insisted that he was resisting for psychological reasons. When I intervened and said to DS, as I always do, "only eat what your body tells you you want/ need", the friends became enraged and I ended up paying Ds's 'fine' just to stop the whole horrible situation.

These friends are very controlling but have also been v supportive to me as a single mum. I've continued to let the DCs stay with them as I believed my DSs wanted to go, despite some of my own misgivings but the last 2 times, DCs haven't wanted to stay at all and I've then felt bad about making them go, in order not to upset/ anger the friends. Now I know DCs don't want to go to stay, I don't want to make them.

The friends concerned are an elderly lady of 78 - but who acts more as if she's in her early 60's and her much younger husband in his fifties. She's had children of her own yrs ago but he never has and I've sort of let them off the hook for the way they are because of this. But now the more I think about it, the more it feels as if they want parental control of my DCs (there are LOTS of other incidents exemplifying this) but in a way that is obviously detrimental to my sons.

Is 9 yrs old (one has Asperger's traits BTW) too young to become involved with the current dispute or should I let DCs tell the friends what they really think? The friends are highly likely to express their anger and upset v freely and be emotionally manipulative and try to get DCs to say what they want them to say.

Solo, have there been any developments since yesterday?

I hope everything is OK, and you've been able to take on board what everyone has said to help you. You don't need to justify yourself to these people. Just walk away from them and keep yourself and your boys safe and sane.

Please dont let your boys stay with or have anymore contact with this couple.
The situation sounds VERY unhealthy and I would worry about what was happening to the boys when you are not there.
You owe this couple NOTHING. They helped when you needed it, now the boys are older, you dont need the help.
Just the fact that they want to involve the boys and question them why they dont want to stay, makes alarm bells ring. That is NOT a normal response. Most adults, would simply say, "oh, thats a shame, tell them the offer is there if they change their minds."
As for paying money for not eating all his food!! Imagine if you hadnt been there...
Write this couple a curt letter reiterating that the boys do not wish to stay, and do not wish to explain their reasons-nor should they have to.
Say for now, that you wont be in touch for a while,(if ever), but you wish them a merry xmas, blah,blah, blah.
Change your phone number if you have to, but do not be drawn into anymore discussion with them and dont justify yourself to them either. Take Care.

Thanks for all the responses. I've made and had no further contact with the friends, so far. Knowing them so well, I expect the woman will be doing her, "I'm far too hurt to call you....but (after another day or two)...why haven't you called me? You talked to my husband but not to me and we haven't even begun to resolve things yet..."

I'm pulled between calling her and enjoying some space. I know these people v well and I realise how they come across on this post and it's hard to describe them really except to say that after 27 yrs +, I've sort of accepted their eccentricities. I've ben supported by them (well the woman really) in hard times but also offered her support in her difficult times.

The balance of power has become more 'balanced' but obviously not nearly balanced enough, given my OP.

Others in her life have 'played out' the same dynamic - including her adult children. I've heard her cry about how others have treated her in a way in which i expect she now thinks I'm treating her and after we had no contact for a period of two yrs, in the last 10 yr, and then regained contact, she made me promise never again to detach without talking about it all first.

I expect that therefore I WILL have some further contact of a kind, especially as we always exchange Xmas presents etc. This yr, we won't be seeing them for the usual Xmas occasions and this is actually what sparked off all the questioning from them about why....leading to me telling the truth.

I absolutely agree that it's incredibly unusual for people to make a big deal about the DCs not wanting to stay and most people would simply say, "That's fine. Let's try to all meet up instead at some point".

I predicted these friends would 'read into it' so much more and that it'd open a 'can of worms' and it has. They (especially the woman) have prided themselves lifelong on being authentic and not hiding stuff under social niceties but expressing feeling fully and out in the open. They've surrounded themselves mostly with other people who are the same, to a degree but probably these friends take it all too far.

Anyway, I'm actually feeling remarkably calm, since the first day when I was a bit of a wreck. The only thing compelling me to make some kind of contact with her now is that I really don't want her phning at an inconvenient time - when I'm busy or tired- and insisting (if I don't pick up) that I call her back and then, if I delay, insisting that this is yet another sign of how hurtful I am and how controlling I am!

I've done the curt letter or the blanking phone calls in the past, too and eventually, it led to even more aggro.

Ideally, i'd just like them to respond 'normally' and say, "look, sorry we made a big deal about the twins not wanting to stay and you not wanting them to stay. Even if we don't agree about this and feel upset, we totally respect your views, as their parents and no need to do a big thing about it. We'll get together as a group agian whenever we all can and meanwhile, have a happy Xmas"

But somehow I'm sure it won't be like this. Knowing this, sort of gives me a sense of strength and the moral high ground and allows me to stand back from them.

Yes I suspect she will use the 'I am hurt' techique next - and she's probably utilising the silent treatment right now to see if that has the desired guilting effect.

Just so long as you know that you HAVEN'T hurt her - it's just a weapon she uses to have you do things her way. Resist it. Infact, if you do talk to her and she tries that on, "I am hurt/disappointed" - all you have to say is - "NO, that doesn't work on me."

Don't talk to her when you feel vulnersble or needy - that's when she can penetrate the most.

You're doing real good Solo.