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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing both sides

365 replies

newwave · 22/11/2010 21:46

I am a regular exerciser and tend to watch my diet so when a friend of mine who had not been to the gym for a very long time called me and asked me if I was going on Saturday I said yes and she said she would see me there. This surprised me as at one time she had been a regular but had stopped about three years ago saying that at 47 she had grown fed up with the gym and dieting.

Later I asked her why she was back and she said her DH of over 25 years had said: "I didn?t marry you to end up with a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out" bit harsh I suppose but she had ballooned from a trim 10 to a wobbly 16.

She told me he had been getting upset about her size for a while and admitted it was due to getting a bit lazy.

I consoled her said the right things but AIBU in thinking her DH had a point.

BTW her DH is very fit for a man in his fifties, running, and golf. Still plays football.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 23:22

No, he didn't need to say anything especially not "I didn't marry a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out"

Very different to a tactful "that dress is the wrong shape for you" or "we have both put a few pounds on, shall we go on a health kick together before xmas?"

He is a twat, and she is a fool to let him bully her into doing something she hates

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 23:23

No, I think his "point" was cancelled out by the twattish way he went about it

PamelaFlitton · 23/11/2010 23:24

Depends if she agrees with him midori. If you can say 100% hand on heart that you prefer being heavier, then stay. But I think the OP said that the woman was unhappy with her weight as well.

PinkIceQueen · 23/11/2010 23:25

How do I post a pic on here? I would really like to know if you honestly think I look fat! fruitstick, are they really? Omg, that says it all.

I survived my shower workout btw, just incase you were worried about me getting my fat arse stuck in there ;)

PinkIceQueen · 23/11/2010 23:26

He had been getting upset, she was fed up with dieting and exercising, at 47, how very dare she, tsk.

SuzieHomemaker · 23/11/2010 23:26

Newwave - no, he doesnt IMO. You marry a person knowing that they will change over time. To expect a person to stay the same is unreasonable. Your friend could equally say to her husband 'I didnt marry you to end up with a tedious juvenile sport obsessed fool who should know better in his fifties'.

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 23:27

Perhaps the woman is unhappy with the implied threat from him "you are not the woman I married (yes, she bloody well is..."

Implied threat being, "if you don't sort yourself out, I will fuck off and find some who will"

Emotional blackmail, never pretty

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 23:27

someone

fruitstick · 23/11/2010 23:31

Thank the lord pink, you must be exhausted.

Hob Nob?

PamelaFlitton · 23/11/2010 23:33

I don't think getting fat is inevitable.

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 23:34

no Pam, maybe not

but it ain't a hanging offence, either

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 23/11/2010 23:34

Ooh, haven't had hob nobs in years.

Well, I'm off to bed to dream of chocolate cake and the banning of gyms and lettuce WinkGrin

Night :)

MarineIguana · 23/11/2010 23:34

I'm a 16 (14 at some shops) and my BMI is (just) in normal healthy range as I'm tall. I'm pretty much in proportion. How fat you are at size 16 depends on your height and build.

But anyway - this man was rude and cruel. If my DP got massively overweight I might tell him I was worried for his health, but basically, I love him, regardless. Being nasty like that is unnecessary. She should have said "I didn't marry you to end up with a miserable old c*nt - see ya."

And my DP has gone bald and we're both going grey and I have post-babies tum and whatnot. So what. We're a couple not a speed-dating event.

I know a much older couple, she is overweight, also stately and beautiful, and he is super-fit, slim, plays sport etc. He has nothing but respect and devotion for her.

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 23:35

and certainly not something that others should feel entitled to beat you up emotionally about

MarineIguana · 23/11/2010 23:35

God what a rambling post, I think there may be a point in there somewhere. I'm off to bed!

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 23:36

I quite like a bit of lettuce

on my cheeseburger

SuzieHomemaker · 23/11/2010 23:36

Who is going to be a guest of the NHS first? The comfortably padded size 16 or the superannuated loon still running around pretending he's a teenager?

A man in his 50s should have a bit of dignity. Golf, fine. Running and playing football - must make orthopedic surgeons rub their hand in glee!

PinkIceQueen · 23/11/2010 23:37

I'll take it for the morning fruitstick if that's ok? Am too exhausted to lift it to my mouth right now.

Op, I think your friend needs a restyle btw not to kill herself down the gym. I bet she'd look lovely with an updated hairstyle and clothes that compliment her new curvier look. I think she should hit her husbands credit card - hard. He may then think before he insults next time. That would be my solution anyway.

Btw, for what it's worth, I just don't think size 16 is obese, I agree that people shouldn't be disabled by being overweight, ditto children. However, you can be curvy and fit, I know I am!

Original poster
newwave · 23/11/2010 23:37

PIQ she stopped coming to the gym at about 44 she is now 47.

"He is a twat, and she is a fool to let him bully her into doing something she hates"

Well it's working" I was with her on Saturday, she went with a mutual friend on Sunday and she called earlier to see if I would go tommorow.

Dont know if she hates it maybe she just needed a break from it, at one time she was a fanatic.

OP posts:
MisSalLaneous · 23/11/2010 23:38

I think a little fat is though, Pamela. That and the fact that proper grannies have to be soft. That's the rules. The best kind of grannies are soft, has secret cookie stashes, laughs a lot and are not wrinkly. It's in the years leading to it that I know I should probably put some effort in, I prefer my clothes one size smaller. Well, my bum, actually...

MisSalLaneous · 23/11/2010 23:39

Bloody hell, this thread moves quickly - I look away for one second and we're halfway down the page!

harpsichordcarrier · 23/11/2010 23:41

the thing is OP, some people just aren't that bothered about the way they look. They think it's trivial and shallow to worry about it, and they have more important (in their eyes) things to do and think about than how big their arse is, or how many calories in a ham sandwich or whatever.
For some people there are always many more interesting, worthwhile and IMPORTANT things to do with one's limited time than go to the gym e.g. read a book, see friends, go for a walk, spend time with the children, get involved in a hobby etc etc.
you may think dieting and exercise are a priority, but don't be surprised if other people have (in their view) different priorities and (in their view) more important things to worry about

AnyFucker · 23/11/2010 23:42

my fingers are very gym-toned

they get a heck of a workout on this keyboard

like lightning they are Smile

PamelaFlitton · 23/11/2010 23:42

" man in his 50s should have a bit of dignity. Golf, fine. Running and playing football - must make orthopedic surgeons rub their hand in glee!"

None of these things will do your joints any damage, actually, and are in fact beneficial. A size 16 was never an average size before now, and the only reason it is now is that for the first time in history we have unfettered access to high-fat foods and don't have to do any exercise in our daily lives.

PinkIceQueen · 23/11/2010 23:42

Feel sorry for your friend newwave, I guess the question is, is she happy? If the answer is yes, then all well and good. If she isn't, that's a whole different situation.

[sad for the poor lady emoticon]

Goodnight.