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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think three days at one party is quite enough?

59 replies

thepartyisover · 21/11/2010 13:17

H went to a 30th party on Friday, although the party actually took place yesterday (Saturday). Today still not back, will apparently be back tonight as he is spending the day with his mates. Will see me around 7 so he says. This is standard behaviour and we have been on rocky ground for a long time with regards to his somewhat active social life. All nights out go on into the next day and sometimes longer. We have two dc.

I don't want him back here tonight, he will be drunk again and I have had enough. Told him so and he said "Ok" and hung up.

Any thoughts? AIBU and "miserable"?

OP posts:
sixpercenttruejedi · 21/11/2010 13:19

YANBU, and you deserve better. He sounds like a childish selfish arse. Why did he have kids if he's not prepared to be there for them?

TiraMissYou · 21/11/2010 13:23

What sixpercent said. YANBU. Or miserable.

Original poster
thepartyisover · 21/11/2010 13:29

He says everyone needs the freedom sometimes to come and go as they please and he wouldn't mind if I did it occasionally (bullshit!). He does this about every three months or so and drinks almost every night in between.

I cant have my children thinking this is normal and I dont want to spend the rest of my life on damage limitation when he decides to have a drink.

He says most men are like this though maybe not quite as bad as him and I am too controlling!

OP posts:
Original poster
thepartyisover · 21/11/2010 13:31

I go out sometimes but I always come back at exactly the time I say I will and I am never drunk and incapable of looking after dc. I am always contactable during these times. He can go for up to three days being too drunk to even speak coherently and in the main not answering his phone at all.

Why does he think this is ok? Sometimes I get so confused and think maybe it is, maybe I am just the miserable controlling bitch he says I am.

OP posts:
sixpercenttruejedi · 21/11/2010 13:37

calling you a controlling bitch is a very neat way of getting you to shut up so he can do what he likes. You're obviously not contolling him, he's doing whatever he wants. If you have kids then, no, you don't have the freedom to just come and go as you please.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/11/2010 13:37

Isn't that the standard "offense is the best defence" tactic of distracting from their bad behaviour by claiming it's actually your fault? "He says most men are like this " - and how would he know? Because most of his friends are?

clam · 21/11/2010 13:38

Most men are certainly not like this. None that I know, anyway.
How does he function at work then, if he gets so drunk that he can't even speak coherently?

clam · 21/11/2010 13:40

If it weren't so infuriating, it would almost be amusing. He behaves with outrageous thoughtlessness and then tries to pin it on you as being too controlling. Reminds me of an ex (needless to say) who used to turn up 3 hours late for something and then tell me I had an unhealthy issue with time when I was pissed off about it.

Bunbaker · 21/11/2010 13:44

"He says most men are like this"

Utter bollocks. Most childish, immature arseholes are like this. He is behaving like a single man not one in a partnership with children. You deserve better.

I agree with everyone else.

saffy85 · 21/11/2010 13:46

YANBU and now it sounds like he's trying to make it your fault that he is staying away longer by engineering an arguement. It isn't controlling to want your husband at home of a weekend, spending time with his family. Not when he's been out all weekend long getting pissed anyway.

FakePlasticTrees · 21/11/2010 13:53

nope, most fathers aren't like this. Are his friends also fathers (and in relationships) or is he comparing himself to people without responsiblities? He only is able to do this because he is relying on you to look after his DCs. His 'freedom to do whatever he wants' is at the cost of yours.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/11/2010 13:57

YANBU. I don't think that most men are like this at all. My DH certainly wouldn't expect to stay out drinking for 3days and there be no repercussions!

What if something happened to one of the children in the course of those 3 days and you couldn't get hold of him? Whether he likes it or not he does have responsibilities towards his family, and he needs to rein in his partying to accomodate that

thumbwitch · 21/11/2010 14:04

YANBU - he is an idiot. And possibly an alcoholic, therefore has no real reasoning capacity, as all their logical funcions go towards justifying why it's ok for them to get drunk.

He is, besides, unreasonably selfish - and if I were you I wouldn't put up with it any longer. Does he contribute to the family during the week? I mean, is it only 4 or 5 times a year that he is such a wanker, or is it most of the time?

Either way, trying to say that "all men" are like this is utter shite. They are not. And he should not be allowed to come and go as he pleases - he's not single with no responsibilities any longer!

FFS - where do these men get the idea that it's ok to behave like this??

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 21/11/2010 14:16

YANBU

Your H is a selfish twat.

The only way his behaviour would be okay would be if he was single. He's not and he also has kids so he has responsibilities and he needs to face up to that.

As for saying you're being controlling you're not. In fact he is, he's trying to stop you saying anything so he can continue to behave as he wants to.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 21/11/2010 14:59

he's talking crap.

Wy not tell him, well, since it is ok for us to take several days out, that is what I am going to do. I am going away for the weekend. I shall do this every few months.

And if he tries to argue, point out that it is totally unacceptable for it to be ok for him but not you. Either it's fine for both or fine for neither.

SuePurblybiltByElves · 21/11/2010 15:06

Not on at all.

TmiEdward · 21/11/2010 15:11

No, most men are not like that.
I've never heard anything so selfish.

He obviously has an alcohol problem and needs help, but he probably wouldn't appreciate you sating that.
You mention "damage limitation". Does he get violent?

He has a wife, children and responsibilities. He's acting like a stupid teenager.

I don't often say things like this, but you sound as though you would be better off without him.

Chil1234 · 21/11/2010 15:13

YANBU... It's not acceptable behaviour for a grown man with a partner and children to be drinking every day. Yes, couples can benefit from time apart and healthy social lives but what sound like regular two/three day benders with 'mates' take that to an extreme. In short, he's not bringing anything to the party.

You say you don't want him back tonight and, if I were you, I'd actually tell him not to bother coming back for rather longer. Pack him a bag if he needs a change of clothes. Take a stand. If you feel miserable it's probably because you know you're wasting your time, you're sad about the relationship you could have had, and that you know he's not going to change. Spend some time away from his influence and you'll quickly see that it's him that's at fault, not you. Good luck

scoobytoo · 21/11/2010 15:15

I would go out and do the same some weekends he may learn a bit about responsibility

notquitenormal · 21/11/2010 15:21

I do know a few men like this actually. All divorced, middle aged losers. Dropping their kids of at their own Mum's once a fornight so it doesn't interfere their drinking (and their ex-wives are all controlling bitches Hmm.)

It's no way to live, really.

nameymcnamechange · 21/11/2010 15:30

Of course most men are not like that! Sorry you have been landed with such a cock. Who do you know in rl who can help you get away from him? Are you married? You could start divorce proceedings immediately on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, if you felt up to it.

Tootlesmummy · 21/11/2010 15:30

If my DH behaved like this I would kick his ass out of the door and probably slam it so fast and hard that he would fall over.

He's being a selfish, childish prat and you need to tell him it stops or else.

To be fair, no one is saying he can't have an evening out, but not days.

mumeeee · 21/11/2010 16:18

YANBU, Most men are not like this.

Rindercella · 21/11/2010 16:24

YANBU!

On reading the thread title, I assumed this would be about a teenager who'd been out for several days and that his/her mother was getting a bit fed up.

This is not the behaviour of a reasonable, responsible man. Most men are not like this.

As someone so correctly pointed out futher up the thread, you cannot be a 'controlling bitch' because he is doing whatever the fuck he wants anyway. Twat.

Am very Angry on your behalf. Firstly that he does this, and secondly that he pins the blame of his unreasonable behaviour so firmly at your door. Twat.

Asteria · 21/11/2010 16:25

What they said! He is a selfish child who needs to start behaving like a decent H