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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think three days at one party is quite enough?

59 replies

thepartyisover · 21/11/2010 13:17

H went to a 30th party on Friday, although the party actually took place yesterday (Saturday). Today still not back, will apparently be back tonight as he is spending the day with his mates. Will see me around 7 so he says. This is standard behaviour and we have been on rocky ground for a long time with regards to his somewhat active social life. All nights out go on into the next day and sometimes longer. We have two dc.

I don't want him back here tonight, he will be drunk again and I have had enough. Told him so and he said "Ok" and hung up.

Any thoughts? AIBU and "miserable"?

OP posts:

CocoPopsAddict · 21/11/2010 16:27

YABU - three days at one party is not 'quite enough' - it is way more than enough! Your H needs to get his act together, sharp.

ENormaSnob · 21/11/2010 16:33

Yanbu

what exactly is he doing for 3 days?

Fwiw I used to do this pre kids and it always involved copious amounts of class A drugs, alcohol and doing things I shouldn't.

feelingfairlyfestive · 21/11/2010 16:34

I'm afraid I immediately thought this sounds like a man who does not want to be married and is trying to get you to end things as he is too much of a coward to do it himself. You and your children deserve so much more than this.

TheSkiingGardener · 21/11/2010 16:50

That behaviour is fine if you have no ties and responsibilities. He does, but he'd like you to sort all of that so that he doesn't need to grow up.

Personally I would tell him to grow up or get out.

Good luck OP. YANBU.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 21/11/2010 17:05

I think FFF is right - he wants you to throw him out so he can paint you as the bad one - 'bitch threw me out' so all his mates will commiserate and buy him even more drink (though they may well be laughing at him behind his back as well).
I suggest looking into the practicalities of getting rid of him - whose name is the home in? Does he have a job?

Fimbo · 21/11/2010 17:13

I was out on Friday night and so one of the knobs I work with. At 9am he was having "one last pint" and then going home to his wife and 3 children. We left at 11.30 and he was still there and "going to call a kebab when I get home". I was aghast at this. Your dh is an even bigger knob with bells on, if he is doing this frequently then I am sorry I would be making a life for myself with my children without the tosser.

Original poster

thepartyisover · 21/11/2010 17:38

Thank you for all your replies. I find it very difficult to see the wood for the trees sometimes.

Someone said that maybe he is trying to tell me he does not want to be married and wants me to throw him out. Oh he wants to be married and have a family alright, I know this by how strenuously and aggressively he verbally attacks me when I try to change the status quo. He just wants it to be 100% on his own terms and for me to stop whinging about his behaviour and let him do exactly what he wants when he wants. I have thrown him out before and kept him out for months but then something always happens, he leaves his accommodation and is just going to "stay for a few days" etc. It is difficult because it is a joint HA tenancy in arrears and I cannot get his name taken off it. I actually have a solicitors appointment on Monday which I made a couple of weeks ago when he last performed.

I know he will come back here ringing the bell tonight and it is so so hard not to let him in because dc know it is him etc.

OP posts:

clam · 21/11/2010 17:47

"he wants to be married and have a family alright." Does he? Really?
Or does he just wants the home comforts for inbetween binges?

Original poster

thepartyisover · 21/11/2010 17:50

I suppose so clam I have often felt that his main focus is being on the piss but he does like to have somewhere to come to, to refuel and clean up inbetween. When he is sober he is a very hands on father and great with the dc but will always chose a piss up over us every time.

OP posts:

ccpccp · 21/11/2010 17:54

3 days? I'll bet thats drugs, not drink. He need some time to straighten out.

clam · 21/11/2010 17:58

I'll repeat my earlier question: how doles he function at work after one of these sessions, if he can't communicate for a few days?

geraldinetheluckygoat · 21/11/2010 17:58

havent read entire thread, but this would really really piss me off. If we had agreed that he would be going away for a weekend, now and then, thats ok, but if its one party and it runs into the next day (and the next....), and this was happening every three months, I would NOT be happy at all.

Original poster

thepartyisover · 21/11/2010 18:06

He has missed a few days at work here and there when on one of his benders but he works weekends and can pretty much arrange his own timetable so if he disappears for a day here and there then he just takes that as is days off for the week and makes up the hours by working late or going in early, he has lost jobs with more rigid working hours before though.

OP posts:

Georgimama · 21/11/2010 18:14

Well he sounds just swell. What is in this relationship for you, exactly?

meadowlarks · 21/11/2010 18:41

Without meaning to jump to conclusions, I grew up with a father who was a (now recovered) alcoholic. He behaved in exactly the same way; he would go out and avoid coming home, and then manipulate my mum into apologising for being "controlling" when she got angry. This was when my brother and I, like your DCs, were very young, but nonetheless we felt the impact. Trust me, unless you do something now, things will only get worse. The first thing is to make him aware of his behaviour, and to make him want to attend meetings. From there, it's a slow and painful process that is nevertheless vital for your relationship to survive. If you love him, you have begin to stand up to him.

HTH.

fruitstick · 21/11/2010 18:51

He is not 'great with the kids'. He is their father. He cannot go out with his mates as if he wasn't.

Staying at home and treating their mother with sone respect is being 'great with the kids'

I'd be a much 'better mother' if I didn't spend so much time with my children but that's not what I'm for is it!

otchayaniye · 21/11/2010 20:00

is he doing a lot of coke on these weekenders?

otchayaniye · 21/11/2010 20:03

i bet money coke is involved. It's the classic three-dayer

Original poster

thepartyisover · 21/11/2010 20:07

I think it used to be but not anymore, I can tell the difference when I see him and when i manage to get him on the phone. It is alcohol that is the main problem, not come back so far, don't even feel bad about it just want him to stay away.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 21/11/2010 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 21/11/2010 20:18

Sorry op but I think you are deluding yourself if you believe it's only alcohol involved.

Original poster

thepartyisover · 21/11/2010 20:23

No I'm really not, I know drugs and I know alcohol. I know the difference having seen him many times on both. Alcohol is the big thing with him and other members of his family, it makes no difference which he is on as the impact on our family is the same, I don't actually think one is any better than the other.

OP posts:

Georgimama · 21/11/2010 20:25

No, you're right it doesn't matter which it is.

So what is in this relationship for you? You didn't answer.

SpotSplatterSplash · 21/11/2010 20:27

I would leave a bag on the step and lock all of the doors if this was DH.

You cannot allow yourself to be treated like this, most men do not behave like that. In no way are you controlling to expect him to put you and you DC first.

Original poster

thepartyisover · 21/11/2010 20:37

He earns decent money and is fairly generous with it for fun stuff, paying bills and boring stuff like that not so much.

That's about the only thing I get out of this.

OP posts:

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