to think three days at one party is quite enough?

[thepartyisover]

H went to a 30th party on Friday, although the party actually took place yesterday (Saturday). Today still not back, will apparently be back tonight as he is spending the day with his mates. Will see me around 7 so he says. This is standard behaviour and we have been on rocky ground for a long time with regards to his somewhat active social life. All nights out go on into the next day and sometimes longer. We have two dc.

I don't want him back here tonight, he will be drunk again and I have had enough. Told him so and he said "Ok" and hung up.

Any thoughts? AIBU and "miserable"?

He can afford to out on 3day benders, but you are in arrears with your rent? He is an arse, for the money thing and for the disappearing acts.

My ex was very much like this. We didn't have children (I had a m/c after falling pregnant which I was very distressed about at the time but in retrospect perhaps was for the "best")

He had alcohol issues and was impossible to please. He would use every reason under the sun to justify his high consumption. for example it was pointless drinking soft drinks as they cost more

He wanted the benefits of a live in gf (he stayed in my house when he felt like it) and got his laundry done which was no doubt handy for him when he wet the bed due to heavy drinking. (not so nice for me) Once he broke into my house in the early hours and scared the life out of me (I had locked him out but he climbed through bedroom window)

He would also do stuff like ask me to pick him up from pub/bookies at x time. when I arrived if he wasn't ready which regularly was the case he would get arsey and accuse me of controlling him by turning up and insisting he went home. He was a real loser.

I feel sad for the situation you are in; hope you manage to resolve it. I try not to look back too far regarding my own experiences but if I do I wish I hadn't put up with his abuse for so long. He didn't hit me but he was massively disrespectful and emotionally controlling,

I was in a bad place at that time.

So you're tolerating this behaviour for the money.

If you don't think enough of yourself to get out, do it for your children. As you said yourself, you cannot allow them to grow up thinking this is normal because it isn't. And when they look back, they will blame you as well as him.

OP, my experience of a 3 dayer is 2 days of madness, then 1 day of booze to ease the come down and at the same time blur the symptoms.

But as you say - either is as bad as the other.

It might explain the 3 day every few months - hes off on a mad one, all his mates are up for it, just like old times.

I'd be more concerned with the daily drinking TBH.

No georgiemama I am not 'tolerating this situation for the money', have you read all my posts about seeing a solicitor tommorrow and having thrown him out only to have him come back and legally I cannot keep him out because it is a joint tenancy? You asked what I get of the relationship and that was all I could come up with, which is pretty sad isn't it and undeserving of your accusatory tone imvho.

It's not an accusation, you were invited to think of any plus point and you came up with his income. The CSA will force him to pay maintenance, so if that's all there is in it get rid. He sounds like a complete waste of space.

3day drinking benders aren't uncommon either - I had a lodger (briefly) who was a binge alcoholic and used to start Friday night and go through to Sunday (his come down day - he'd stick to beer on Sunday to ease the pain)

thepartyisover - I hope the solicitor has some useful advice for you and that you can find a way to remove your H from the joint tenancy - or better still, remove yourself so that you can move elsewhere and only choose to let him know where you live whenever he gets help with his alcoholism.

Am very :( for you that you are in this situation but agree as well that a "great father" does not prioritise his drinking (or any other addiction) over his family and children, and does not treat the mother of his DC with contempt.

His behaviour is extremely ABnormal. What a horrible man. He has just not grown up. He is a total dick, and, much as I believe in marriage, it doesn't sound like he has the maturity or insight to be able to sort himself out - certainly not within the next decade. Are you prepared to put up with this for years to come? More to the point, do you think you ought to? You are likely to get destroyed in the process. I think you need to start making plans for an exit strategy, in order to preserve yourself and your children.

for you.

You need good legal advice, it's probably going to be a matter of an injunction to keep him away from the family home (given that he seems to think he can just come bakc when he feels like it whatever you have said to him). You DO NOT have to put up with this, there will be a way of getting his name off the tenancy or surrendering it and moving, in order not to have this selfish alcoholic loser continually messing up your life and the kids' lives.
There is nothing you can do to 'make' him change unless and until he decides to clean his act up, so the best thing to do is get him out of your home, get the CSA on him for maintenance and keep contact with the DC supervised only, with the proviso that if he turns up pissed he doesn't get to see them.