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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my friend being unreasonable comparing a miscarriage to

83 replies

darleneconnor · 20/11/2010 23:46

being bullied at work?

I fell out with said friend a while back when she was totally unsympathetic about my miscarriage.

I didn't want to have a D&C so the physical and hormonal aspects of it lasted over a month during which time I got zero suport from her.

Now, some time later, she has got in touch by text. I apologised for being short with her but I got no apology from her in return. She said she was 'also going through a lot at the time'. I thought this must have meant some serious health problem or similar with her or her family but later realised she was referring to the problems she is having with her boss. I know office politics can be horrid (I've been in tears in the office toilets myself before) but I think she is being EXTREMELY insensitive by comparing this to my miscarriage. She can choose to quit her job (she doesn't need the money), I had no choice in what happened to me. We both suffered psychological trauma but at least she didn't have all the physical and hormonal aspects on top of that too.

I dont really need a friend like this do I?

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 20/11/2010 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

backwardpossom · 20/11/2010 23:53

Agree with MadamDeathstare.

FWIW, I think you're being quite insensitive to your friend, too. "Psychological trauma", as you put it, is not a competition - if you are friends you should both be there for each other. Sadly, she's let you down, and I can understand why you're hurt.

I'm sorry that you have had a miscarriage, too.

Limez · 21/11/2010 00:00

Yeah, I agree with Madamdeathstare too.

I don't think she was necessarily comparing the two but even if she were it's all subjective - there's no definitive rule that having a mc MUST be more traumtic than being bullied at work.

I've had m/cs, haven't been bullied at work but have seen it happen to someone else and it was horrendous. That poor girl suffered far, far more than I did in having my m/cs (again, its all subjective - im not saying what your friend went through was worse than what you went through but you cant decide that you've suffered mmore just because its your opinion).

AgentZigzag · 21/11/2010 00:01

Miscarriage is traumatic and painful, but I think you're underestimating the impact bullying at work can have.

It can take the form of making you cry in the toilets, but it can also follow you home and impact on everything you do.

Maybe you should bring up how you feel she didn't support you, is it possible she had other reasons she didn't contact you? Like having been through it herself and it brought up things she's finding hard to deal with?

SamJones · 21/11/2010 00:04

I think you are being a bit hard on her. Does she have kids? It can (generalisation alert) be hard for other people to fully appreciate the depth of what you go through in a MC (I have had one). Given the problems she had at the time - she may just not have had the mental energy/resources to cope with your anguish too.

Or possibly just had no idea how to react. Other people can act oddly at times like this.

If you like her as a person and value the relationship, then I say life is too short, move on and give your friendship another go.

Rockbird · 21/11/2010 00:05

I have been bullied at work and it's shitty, really shitty and 12 years down the line I still get knots in my stomach thinking about it. It's easy to say just leave but it is rarely as simple as that, is it? I'm really sorry you about your miscarriage, but it isn't a competition so YABU.

PinkieMinx · 21/11/2010 00:08

I have a friend with 6 children who always felt MC was 'nature's way of saying something was wrong' until she had a MC. It can be hard to imagine how devastating MC can be. It can be equally easy to underestimate the effect of bullying.

I was recently bullied at work. I considered leaving my job, I fell into depression and it put a big strain on my marriage.

She wasn't there for you so was a bit of a shitty friend - she should have apologised - doesn't mean you should cut her off.

2shoes · 21/11/2010 00:08

yanbu
but then I have had so many shit comparisons made as people desperately seek away to show that they understand what I ago through with dd(sn that I am used to absolutely crap comments.

IfGraceAsks · 21/11/2010 00:11

Both things have happened to me. They are both dreadful, and both unforgettable. I'm sorry you miscarried. I agree that it sounds as if you each needed the other's support, but were unable to understand each other's devastation. YABU, but I hope you can have the conversation together now and offer each other more sympathy.

curlymama · 21/11/2010 00:12

Maybe she didn't directly say sorry, but she did make the first move to make contact again, and that says something.

You did both go through a trauma, and the two things really can't be compared at all. And even if you were both dealing with two identical situations, you will both have different coping mechanisms and different abilities to cope.

Perhaps she was finding things so hard at the time she didn't think she was capable of being very suportive to you.

If this is the only thing you are upset with her about, try and give it another go. friendships do take effort.

I hope you are ok after your sad loss.

PinkieMinx · 21/11/2010 00:14

Agree is not competition. I had a lump tested for cancer and was worried, at the time a friend was leaning on me with some 'minor' woes which were really stressing her. When she heard about lump, she was so apologetice for dumping on me. Thing is her worries were as as valid as mine, there's no scale!

onimolap · 21/11/2010 00:18

It would be asinine if she was directly comparing the two.

It's possible she wasn't, and so you could (especially if you want to keep the friendship) make a decision to take her simply at her word - she was in a bad place herself at the time, a different one but one which took enough of her emotional energy to leave her with insufficient over to help you as she might otherwise have done.

taintedpaint · 21/11/2010 00:22

I agree with the general consensus here. I don't think your friend was being unreasonable at all, she probably just did not understand what you were going through and was likely not in a position to be a support to you anyway, and sometimes things like that happen. It's not anybody's fault, it's just the way it is.

It really doesn't sound like she was comparing anything with you, just explaining. Perhaps you need to clear the air, I think it would be a shame to lose a friendship over this, you've both been through an awful lot and hopefully you will be able to be there for each other in the future. :)

magicmummy1 · 21/11/2010 00:39

I knew someone who committed suicide after being bullied at work - it is often a lot more than tears in the toilet, and it isn't always easy for people to walk away.

I have had a miscarriage, and it's awful, but I don't think you can compare two such different types of trauma, it's meaningless. What matters in each case is the impact on the individual.

Sounds like you were both in a bad place and couldn't really support each other at that time, but that's no reason to throw away the friendship. Put it behind you if you can!

I'm sorry for your loss btw.

cory · 21/11/2010 00:42

I was going to point out that bullying at work is actually quite a common reason for suicide, but I see magicmummy has beaten me to it.

Kaloki · 21/11/2010 00:54

I think that tbh, neither of you are BU, but you should talk to each other rather than text. Texts are so easy to misread.

mollycuddles · 21/11/2010 00:55

Yababitu

my dh attempted suicide and was v ill and admitted to psychiatric hospital for 3 months directly as a result of workplace bullying. Lots of other factors as to how seriously bullying can affect people.

But a mc is like nothing else and excrutiating. Happened to me 20 months ago and hit me harder than I ever thought it could.

So sorry for your loss but friendship is hard to find so I hope you can get this one back on track.

scottishmummy · 21/11/2010 01:04

mc so harrowing.i think she was explaining her stuff too

tbh,dont set friends,family a criteria they unfortunately a sizeable amount wont get the specific mc loss. dont however discount their support

lisianthus · 21/11/2010 03:39

I agree with magicmummy. She wasn't there for you, and equally, you weren't there for her when she needed you. Both of you had reasons for what you did. She is trying to get past it and contacted you again first, so do see if you can make a go of the friendship- it would be a pity to lose it when you both need the other.

Serendippy · 21/11/2010 11:52

YABU. She has not compared your suffering to hers, she explained why she was not available for you at a time when you needed her. Equally, she could not approach you for support. You don't know how long the situation at her work has been going on for, bullying over a period of months or years can make you physically ill and affect every area of your life.

I do agree with your last statement though, I don't know if you will suit her as a friend if this is going to hang over you.

monkeyflippers · 21/11/2010 12:14

I have had a miscarriage which was horrendous and had ongoing effects to my mental health, but my husband was bullied at work and that was probably even harder for him to get over. Being bullied takes away all your confidence and you end up getting trapped as you don't have to confidence to leave or do well enough in interviews to get another job. It took him years to get out of there and changed him forever.

I don't think you can compare the 2 as each case is different. Saying that though, I had a friend who compared how I felt went a close relative of mine died in horrific circumstances to losing her elderly nan who she never even used to see. She was only trying to empathise but it pissed me off (and still does to this day!)

Original poster

darleneconnor · 21/11/2010 12:15

I need to set a couple of things striaght here.

She did compare her experience at work with my miscarriage. I thought I made this clear in my OP, but obviously not.

I was there to support her with her work problem. She just started a new job and within a couple of weeks it became clear that the previous person had left because of this horrible boss. The incident in question was her boss calling her face 'thunderous'. Friend started crying, which boss woman ignored. I gave her lots of support/advice. A couple of weeks later she said the situation was 'much better'. Then I had my miscarriage.

I was housebound and really wanted a conversation not by text (she doesn't use her phone for calls). She made up excuses for not coming over, which I found out were lies. She has never acknowledged this or apologised.

OP posts:

goingnowhere1 · 21/11/2010 12:22

I have been through both and neither are very nice.

Rockbird · 21/11/2010 12:52

But did you ever stop to think that maybe there was more going on than you knew? If the previous person had left because of the boss then it's fair to say that the boss was pretty horrible to work for. I think your nose is out of joint because you weren't the centre of attention, sorry. That's how it's coming across in your posts. And I'm sure I'll get slapped for that but I know all too well that, when something happens to you, you naturally think it's the be all and end all. Other people don't, it's life.

I don't see why you couldn't have picked up the phone to her.

BonniePrinceBilly · 21/11/2010 12:55

Agree with others YABU. It may not be at all that she has no experience of m/c, some people are not as affected by it as others. And work problems are the same, can be far worse for some than others.

You both had problems, its not a competition. It seems as if you are saying she doesn't deserve your support yet you expect it from her.

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