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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my friend being unreasonable comparing a miscarriage to

83 replies

darleneconnor · 20/11/2010 23:46

being bullied at work?

I fell out with said friend a while back when she was totally unsympathetic about my miscarriage.

I didn't want to have a D&C so the physical and hormonal aspects of it lasted over a month during which time I got zero suport from her.

Now, some time later, she has got in touch by text. I apologised for being short with her but I got no apology from her in return. She said she was 'also going through a lot at the time'. I thought this must have meant some serious health problem or similar with her or her family but later realised she was referring to the problems she is having with her boss. I know office politics can be horrid (I've been in tears in the office toilets myself before) but I think she is being EXTREMELY insensitive by comparing this to my miscarriage. She can choose to quit her job (she doesn't need the money), I had no choice in what happened to me. We both suffered psychological trauma but at least she didn't have all the physical and hormonal aspects on top of that too.

I dont really need a friend like this do I?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/11/2010 16:05

'I've been bullied at work, I've had more than one miscarriage... I'd take the work bullying any day. You can walk away from work at the end of the day - can't walk away from grief at all. Bullying at work was a piece of piss to deal with compared to the pain life's thrown at me this year.'

People can and do commit suicide over being bullied in the work place. More often than you'd think. Because believe it or not, sometimes, you can't just walk away from work. And the bullying can leave deep, very damaging emotional and psychological scars.

I have had MC (missed, with ERPC), have been bullied at work, have attempted suicide (PND).

But I can't imagine coming on a forum and calling a bunch of random strangers something as offensive as 'fucktards' because I don't know what they're reading.

You need help. Every time I see one of your posts it's more and more full of hate. It's really sad.

Kaloki · 21/11/2010 16:07

I agree with expat. I've been following your posts and thinking of you emptyshell, and have been extremely worried about you, wishing I could help. Hate seeing you so devastated and angry. :(

AitchTwoOh · 21/11/2010 16:12

to the OP, how did your friend equate the two things? tbh i've had two pg losses as well, and i was very very angry to begin with, and did lash out at people. but you have to see this for what it is, OP, you are probably just pissed off at the world right now. someone else's worst pain is their worst pain, for many of us that comes when we lose our children, but people have the right, do they not, to experience other types of pain without it being denigrated.

RunawayChristmasTree · 21/11/2010 16:24

You are being unreasonable, your friend has explained why she was not there for you, she had problems in her own life that were more important to her then what was going on in your life, you could say you were being unreasonable not to support her

Dolittlest · 21/11/2010 16:44

Fucktards? Nice.

Nobody has belittled the pain of miscarriage. As I stated, I've had two and I said they were UTTERLY DEVASTATING.

However, being bullied at work was also horrific. And yes, I did actually 'just walk away from my job'. From a job I had done for 10 years and loved - that was my identity for many years - because the bullying was so awful. That was years ago, and I still haven't really come to terms with it. I sank into a terrible depression afterwards which affected all areas of my life. It was devastating in an entirely different, but equally profound, way.

This isn't a competition, as stated before. There is no points system where you can tot up how many 'awful' points a life experience is worth and decide which should be rated worse than the other.

And 'fucktards' is extremely offensive.

Rockbird · 21/11/2010 17:48

a few crappy words and some aggro at work? You know fuck all about anyone else but don't let that stop you making it all about you.

And fucktard? A contraction of fucker and retard. Nice.

MadamDeathstare · 21/11/2010 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soggy14 · 21/11/2010 18:09

Sorry that you had a miscarriage but I thought that you were going to say that being bullied at work was worse than a miscarriage (I have had both) so it goes to show that it affects different people differently.

LadyintheRadiator · 21/11/2010 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BikeRunSki · 21/11/2010 18:22

I have not had a miscarriage so can not comment on that. But I have been bullied at work, which was dreadful. I managed to leave the job with the bully (over ten years ago now), but as a result of events in that job, I have not slept through the night for 12 years and wind myself up so much with anxiety about anything work related that could be slightly stressful that it can take me weeks to come down after something as simple as a presentation. So what I am saying, is please don't underestimate the impact of bullying at work. It does not just go away once the bully has been removed it whatever way.

Jajas · 21/11/2010 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClaireDeLoon · 21/11/2010 18:38

emptyshell I have to say I agree with expat, you really need to get help. I too have read many of your posts, going back many months and your anger is frightening. I really would approach your GP for counselling. And fwi I've had 3 mc's myself, no children after over 3 years of ttc. I have a very good understanding of the pain of both infertility and miscarriage.

OP I am sorry for your loss, I understand how you feel that people really do (completely onknowingly) belittle your loss, or treat it as a an item of gossip. YANBU to feel angry but nor was your friend BU to be caught up in what was going on in her life.

5DollarShake · 21/11/2010 18:47

Nobody wants to shut miscarriage sufferers out. :( This thread is full of women who've had miscarriages speaking out.

diddl · 21/11/2010 18:53

The thing is that they are more than likely the worst things that you have both experienced to date.

TBH though, & I will probably get flamed for this, but I sometimes wonder what friends are expected to say or do when a friend has a miscarriage.

It can still be so taboo & when it happened to my best friend I was devastated for her, but really didn´t do much apart from the "oh shit that´s bloody awful & I´m here if you need me"

nevercansaygoodbye · 21/11/2010 19:26

OP, I had a long drawn-out, physically traumatic (as in ended up in a and e with major haemhorrage (sp?) and needed transfusion etc) mc of twins a month ago and was bullied at work over the last two years. They were both difficult and painful experiences and I am very resentful that the bullying actually had more impact on my sense of self and destroyed my confidence and almost my grasp on reality!

Since the mc different people have responded in very different ways, one really close friend has barely 'been there' as such. I did feel a bit miffed but at the same time recognised that what is most important is not to think of the support of others but on trying to come to terms what has happened myself. You sound really distraught and I think that rather than look to friends to help and upsetting yourself when they can't/don't offer the support you want from them, you should try to look after yourself by maybe seeing what professional help you can get. Please don't put your energy into being angry with friends, but into getting better. A miscarriage is a very lonely experience I think and I really hope and pray you will be able to find some peace. All the very best

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/11/2010 21:34

Came on here to say exactly what diddl actually said.

I've been bullied at work, I've been bullied at home, I've had 3x MC. Not being competitive, just stating my 'qualifications' for my comment as it were.

If you only experienced any one of the above you would think it's the worst thing in the world.

Whilst they are dreadful things, sad to say, there actually are even worse things that can happen to a person.

It's all relative.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 21/11/2010 21:43

I tend to agree with madamdeathstare. Just that she probably couldn't support you then because of the problems she was experiencing, which is a disguised regret.

iggiii · 21/11/2010 21:54

Does the suffering caused by bullying equal the suffering caused by a miscarriage?
I have no possible way to measure this.
Is a miscarriage a worse thing to happen than bullying? Yes it is, because (irrespective of who suffers or not) someone who might have had a life does not have one.

A bereavement tends to put other problems in perspective, in my way of thinking, so I would have expected a friend experiencing bullying to have supported me through a mc, and I would have expected me to put my feelings aside and supported another friend through the death of her parent.

Some comparative comments on this thread have seemed to question the impact of mc, eg "A miscarriage is devastating, but you do get over it. Being bullied at work impacts on your whole life and sucks your self confidence out of you". When all the poster can really say is whether they got over their mc, and whether they were seriously affected by bullying.

A1980 · 21/11/2010 21:54

I agree with the consensus here in that she wasn't being dimsissive of you are comparing the two, just explaining why she hadn't been there.

It's all to do with the individual circumstances and the fortitude of the person too. My boss at work mentioned she'd had a MC a while ago and I said I was sorry to hear that. she promptly says, i'm quite harsh with these things, either they're meant to be or they're not. So she was quite stoic about it but again, not everyone is and they can be devastating.

Ditto bullying. You spend more time with your work colleagues than you do with your family. I don't spend 9am-6pm 5 days a week with my DH. Bullying can cripple you and impacy your entire life. Even when you aren't there, you're worried about having to go back. We're also in the middle of a global recession, how easy do you think it is to just go and find another job? Confused

If you're friends, you should stop "I'm more damaged than you" routine and support each other.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 21/11/2010 22:08

empty shell - you are not the only woman in your situation. Attacking others helps no one

Bullying is awful and so are miscarriages. Depending on other circumstances and your own personality is how you cope.

I totally agree with posters who say you cannot and should not compare or compete on grief.

Have compassion for one another. It might help you.

BonniePrinceBilly · 21/11/2010 23:16

Seriously, you people saying yes one is worse that the other, you really need to get some perspective and shut the fuck up, because NO-ONE can quantify such a thing, its moronic to say one or the other.

ClaireDeLoon · 22/11/2010 09:48

I don't actually think many people did say one was worse than the other. Many people said that you can't compare them.

BonniePrinceBilly · 22/11/2010 10:50

at least 2 people did. I didn't say all, please do read before commenting.

Bunbaker · 22/11/2010 13:03

"at least 2 people did. I didn't say all, please do read before commenting."

Those of us who have had the misfortune to have had both can compare them because it is a personal thing. You can't compare one piece of misfortune with another person's misfortune though because it affects people differently.

BonniePrinceBilly · 22/11/2010 14:44

yes, thats what I said. Hmm You can only judge for yourself. What some posters said was one IS objectively worse than another. Which is clearly bonkers.

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