not to have sex with DH?

[lotswife]

My libido's been a bit crap since DC3 was born. I used to be up for it loads, but it got harder and harder to get turned on/in the mood - needed more effort on DH's part which he just didn't put in.

We had some talks about it as he was feeling rejected and unloved and I was feeling hassled and like he was only interested in sex.

He said he'd try to make more of an effort to make me feel desired (rather than like a blow up doll - his idea of foreplay was just to grab my tits or my bits and then expect me to be ready and waiting).

Then there were two incidents which really shook me. About 6 months ago I was asleep in DC2's bed (she'd been crying and I'd gone to soothe her and fallen asleep). DC2 had woken up and climbed over me to go and play with the other DCs. DH came to find me - and I woke up with him pulling up my nightie and parting my buttocks. I said 'what are you doing?' - but quietly as I thought DC1 was asleep in the other bed (v disoriented). He said "you're very wet, so I thought I'd take advantage" and put his cock in me! I shoved him away and we had a huge row.

I thought it was totally inappropriate (even though the DCs weren't in the room), and he kept saying that I was wet so he thought I wanted it (wanted what?! I was asleep). I felt really dirty and disgusting and like DH didn't respect me at all as a person.

We barely had sex after that. I just had no desire towards him at all. Then last week he was hassling me again - I was just about to drop off to sleep and he was a bit tipsy after a work night out - and I said I wasn't in the mood and he said I was never in the mood and it wasn't a marriage without sex.

I said that it was hard to fancy someone who'd just stick their cock in their sleeping wife. He said I was making excuses.

We've barely talked since. AIBU?

ccpccp has it spot on

OP, it really is not a good idea to debate this issue on a public forum in the category famous for whipping up hysteria. Is there any way you can talk to a trusted friend about this rather than solicit the opinions of strangers?

mrshackleton, I posted here on purpose. I didn't ask if it was rape. If people want to debate that point that's up to them.

I'm reading but not responding anymore because most of the comments aren't to me - but I am reading them all.

Please don't tell me what's a 'good idea'. I wanted to know if other women would think IABU in not wanting to have sex with DH. That's what I wanted to know, that's why I posted. I posted here knowing how it can sometimes get, and actually the unanimous replies (that IANBU, though people differed on why), really helped me clarify things in my mind.

Please don't tell me what constitutes a 'good idea'. Sometimes soliciting the opinions of strangers is a good idea; either way, it's what I wanted, which is why I did it.

Just told DH about this post without telling him my opinion - his instant reaction was to say "that's rape - no question" and I have to agree.

If you DH ever wants sex again or even a good relationship he will need to go to counselling with you. Maybe write him a letter telling him how you feel - once it's written down he can't walk away like he can if you're talking.

Good luck xxxx

mrsshackleton - OP has posted here specifically to ask the opinion of strangers - so to suggest that she doesn't is a bit strange.

She is gettting different points of view , for sure - but I am sure that she may understandably feel reluctant to talk to a RL friend.

Do you have any opinions of the situation, mrsshackleton apart from suggesting OP does not post on MN?

I would recommend that she contact's Women's Aid to talk this through.

BTW - with 3 kids I think it's perfectly acceptable not to feel up for it like you did before the kids. Took me a year after DD was born to get my libido back and also a tummy bug which stopped me bothering to take my pill which made me realise that that was having a huge affect on how horny I was.

I recommend op gets some counselling as opposed to talking to a trusted freind . Trusted freind could well share some of the veiws here , ie that he was being clumsy or insensitive.

Theres a tendancy to victim blame , to make excuses , or to make the victim responsible for what has happened. Sometimes people play it down in order to not upset the person , i say name it.

Sexual assaults between married couples are more common than you think , and rareley prosecuted because of the very attitudes displayed here .

What other crime isnt a crime because the two know each other ? If my neighbour robs my house its still theft , if my co worker punches me , its still assault , but if my husband rapes me its not rape because we know each other. Its ridiculous.

Regardless of what it was or wasnt , the op is upset and feels violated , making stupid excuses for her husband isnt helping , shes already heard all these excuses from him , i wonder if some of you realise your supporting him and his warped veiws ?

Crawling , what a brave post . I hope things are much better for you now .

lotswife - I am really glad that the YANBUs are coming though to you loud and clear.

Good luck with finding a path forward (whatever that path may be).

Dignified, you're spot on, lots of women do not report raped when married/partnered because they fear the police/family will have exactly the same response as quite a few of the posters.

Sorry OP, but If my DH had done that, I would consider it rape.

Tabouleh and dignified Thank you Op what ever you decide this is, or how to react, I only hope it is your choice and that things work out the way you want either way.

Crawling, an especial thankyou to you for your brave posts. I really appreciate it. I hope you are very, very happy today.

I am very happy thank you very much lotswife

crawlinginmyskin How awful for you, i cant imagine what you went through, or moving on from something like that.

I hope things are good for you now, and i agree well done for being brave enough to share your story

OP ignore all the rape apologists, of course YANBU.

I don't really see that you have any choice here. This man doesn't respect you, knows what he did was wrong which is why he won't discuss it and is refusing to go to counselling which is the one hope you have of fixing this situation.

All these posters who are telling you to fix it -how exactly? A relationship needs both partners to work on it for it to be good and healthy and happy. If one partner unilaterally refuses to work on it (which your husband has) then you don't have the raw materials for a good relationship. How can you have?

Well I still wouldn't call it rape, but that's not the point. It's still unacceptable behaviour, regardless of whether or not it's a crime. I don't know what you can actually do about it. You should talk to someone impartial though, preferably a counsellor, even if it does have to be by yourself. It is a very big red flag that he doesn't show any concern for your reaction and won't apologise. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong when most people would apologise just for the fact someone was upset.

I think he has developed a lot of resentment over the lack of sex. He has started disregarding your feelings. It could be a slippery slope, so you do need to watch out for yourself.

Thanks steph

Oh and I have to take issue with these:

"Men are not good at understanding why their exhausted wives are no longer as up for it as they used to be."

Actually, good men are good at it. And good men don't usually have quite as much as "up for it" disparity with their wives because they are just as exhausted as she is, because they are doing their fair share.

And this:

"Did you think it was rape before you posted here? No. Then it wasnt."

The most common reaction by victims to rape or attempted rape, is denial. They simply don't want to believe that they could have been raped or almost raped, especially by men they like/ love/ respect - it's horrific and it's a self-defence mechanism to underplay it and dney that it was this big, thing, rape (or attempted rape). And of course, most people in society who are steeped in rape myths, rush to validate that denial, so many women remain in denial for years and it screws up their sexual responses and their relationships.

Yes, HerBeatitude, that is what I need to decide.

I am going to try to use this momentum to talk to him tonight; we're just wrestling the DCs to bed now. I had plans to go out which I have cancelled and I'm going to sit him down with a glass of wine and talk to him about seeing a counsellor.

If he says no, knowing our marriage is on the line over this issue (or keeps telling me I am being ridiculous in thinking it is), then I'll have an answer.

If he says yes but doesn't engage, that's an answer.

So I have to hope he says yes and goes through with it.

I have decided I'll see a counsellor alone no matter what; there's a chance DH might try to obstruct that (he is the sole earner), but I think counselling can be available via the NHS?

Either way, something must be done or our relationship will die anyway.

Oh FFS all these stupid fuckers on this thread confusing me.

Just seen dittany's post and gone back to read the OP and it of course says "put his cock in me" .

Sorry all that stuff I put about attempted rape - anyway hope some on this thread have found it informantive ie the ones who clearly don't think the laws of rape apply to husbands.

lotswife - that sounds like a good plan.

People are just so desperate to underplay rape aren't they?

It's not just rape victims who go into denial about it - it's anyone in society who doesn't have a feminist perspective, by the look of it.

lotswife do you feel ready to talk to him? Do you not think you would be better of talking to a counsellor first, really clear your head and be more 'prepared' when talk to him. I think if you do this, you have a better chance of using the right words to help him understand why counselling is vital.

ChippingIn, seeing a counsellor privately would require DH's co-operation anyway (money and looking after the DCs), and it would take months to get it on the NHS I believe - months we don't really have.

He reacts badly to 'jargon' anyway, he's very negative about therapy/psychology/psychiatry/counselling.