to not want DH to pay MIL to clean our house

[AmandaCooper]

Am I? DH thinks so, so I said I would ask you guys.

You could just leave such a disgusting mess everywhere that she never wanted to do it again ?

To be frank, this is exactly the sort of thing my DH would do then be totally nonplussed when I hit the roof as he would think it was "helpful" rather than a massive invasion of my space + implied criticism

My mum helps out here and there with a bit of cleaning and ironing - it started during second pregnancy when I had SPD. She takes a load of laundry away and brings it back ironed and folded. She will blitz the bathroom or hoover under the sofas now and again. It's great - she isn't the judgy kind and just wants to make my life a bit eaiser and feel she is being useful. She also never cleans in our room without asking. However DH really doesn't like it. She does have a bad habit of 'tidying' piles of paper etc - I can see why he gets annoyed. Now I only get her to do it while I am there or when DH is away so he can't tell. I suppose I never asked him if this was ok but then it's not a regular thing and she wouldn't dream of us paying her to do it.

It would be unreasonable for your DH to employ any cleaner without talking to you first, let alone your MIL. YANBU.

I even hated it when a friend was my cleaner for a while, as she popped round later for a cup of tea and upbraided the children about the state of their rooms!

YANBU

I can just imagine him on the phone:

"Mummmmmmmmm, have you seen my trainers/ car keys/ 'lucky' pants?"

just watching this week's desperate housewives and thinking how pertinent the Tom + Lynette + MIL saga was to this thread.

Really? Has he seen sense yet?

My 1st exmil once visited with 1st exfil whilst I was at work one time and by the time I got home, I discovered all my dirty washing had been beautifully ironed! including socks, knickers and pants! Oh my God! I was mortified!

I think we're sorted, Chaotic, thanks to Mumsnet!

Oh no! We used to live with MIL and I used to have to hide my knickers so she couldn't find them and handwash them in the sink!

Right I'm off to bed. Thanks everybody for the solidarity!

BTW my MIL's so crap at ironing that I actually hide it when she coming as she manages to put in creases in non crease clothes and has between me and my lovely SIL burnt out 5 hoovers!

Yayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell him I knew he was a good, albeit misguided, man really

If he really wants to help his mum then maybe, as someone earlier suggested, the ironing but only if you're comfortable with it.

The anti Mil attitude on here astonishing. Anyone can clean my house for me, I'd even let my ex mil.

wellwasi

i think the point is more
family or friends as 'hired help' as there can be problem with boundaries, and also lack of discussion between partners

wellwasi, i love my MIL, she is my best friend.

however, i do not want her cleaning my house, it my house...if i want to leave a tampon wrapper in my bedroomm, or last night pots and pans, to a more personal matter of sex toys in the bedroom, it my home and i don't want or need a close family member knowing my business.

You are kidding, right? YANBU

wellwasi, I wouldn't want my MIL cleaning my house because I'm not sure what she would consider to be "no go" areas. I know my own mother well enough that I know she wouldn't snoop into things, which is why I'm quite happy for her to clean my house if she wants to. I also don't have an image to upkeep for my mother - she knows me and wouldn't bat an eyelid if she came in and found the house like a bombsite.

I don't think it's a MIL issue per se, it's more that MILs are people that aren't family, don't just put up with your foibles and will make judgements about you. And there is always the element of thinking that they are judging you "not good enough" for their son because you don't come up to their standards.

The DIL/MIL is a difficult one to negotiate unless you are, like me, blessed with a very welcoming and accepting MIL.

at the thought of MIL popping in a day early and meeting the other cleaner!

Well as to not being proper family it is your DH's mum. And your making cleaning a female issue it is both your houses.

I hope you all feel the same when your son's marry and dil cuts you out...look forward to lots of dil is a nightmare thread in the next few years.

Have to say, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

I work full time in one job plus extra in a second, DH is SAHD plus runs a small business from home and is currently project managing our house build, we both love a clean house but don't have time to make sure this one is always as clean as we would like.

If MIL lived close enough - and I know she would need the money - I would love to know that the house was cleaner and that we were helping her out. She'd love to clean it, we'd like the clean house to live in and she'd have more to live on than her current pittance. Win win situation.

But then I don't feel threatened by her, never have done and can't imagine I ever would do.

Depends on the MIL. I wouldn't have let my ex MIL clean, because she was so nosey. She had a key when we first got married, but we had to subtly take it back because she took to coming in and cleaning and doing our washing when we went on holiday. You may think that was great, but she was obviously going in our cupboards and drawers because she put it all away, and all our paperwork would be "tidied" - you're not telling me she didn't read it.

I think the problem is that he´s putting his mum before his wife tbh.

So a cleaner hasn´t been needed/thought about until she needs work?

Can´t he help her find a cleaning job elsewhere?

I would perhaps consider her doing the ironing-at hers.

My mum has a tendency to clean when she comes to hang out with the kids. It really is not a good dynamic ( because she thinks I do everything wrong and I think she does everything wrong and suddenly I'm thirteen again).

We've agreed that she does the garden. It's something I'm rubbish at and don't get uptight about- and something that she likes, and can take pride in improving our environment. She's forever bringing round pots and bulbs and stuff, but it,s all good because nothing stays inside. It also works because she gets the kids involved, and everyone has healthy outdoor time ( whereas before she'd be polishing my bathroom taps while Dd was wrecking the front room, iyswim)

Tell him it would be like if every time he had a barbecue/fixed the car/mended a fuse your dad came round and took over.

Sweet baby Jeebus and all the orphans... Just no.

Try to envisage a scenario whereby YOUR FATHER is paid to come round to your home (daily) to do something he is protective over, and imagine that you'd just come home and told him it was a fait accompli. Might that help him understand?