to not want DH to pay MIL to clean our house

[AmandaCooper]

Am I? DH thinks so, so I said I would ask you guys.

Amanda, ask him how he'd feel if your dad was messing about with his car, or something else he thinks of as his domain.

Have just described this situ to DP...
He totally agrees with us.

YANBU

He had no right to be arranging for his mother to clean without first making sure it was okay with you.

Buy yourself a rabbit and tell him as long as his mother is cleaning it will be a sex free house.

Wouldn't like MIL to clean my house full stop because she'd end up putting stuff where I couldn't find it.

But I have paid my sister before to do cleaning for me - she needed the money, I needed someone I could trust, it worked fine for a few weeks.

Well you cold tell him that it doesn't matter if it's logical or not, it's not the fecking Starship Enterprise. If his beloved wife - equal partner in hearth and home - feels uncomfortable with it then he should respect her. You, I mean .

ask him if he fancies having his FIL sorting out his pants ???

He's already made that comparison and said it would be absolutely fine, provided the reason for the arrangement was known to be lack of time, rather than lack of ability.

You work long hours and the standards of the cleaning aren't good enough for him???!

WTF? Is he 5? Wheelchair bound? Away on an oilrig all week? Tell the lazy bastard to do his own sodding washing. And if he wants to live in a house his mother keeps to her exacting standards then he knows where that house is.

I would never let my MIL clean my house. Unless running one finger along the mantlepiece and tutting counts as cleaning in which case she does that on a regular basis.

Well SuePurbly at least you have made him crack a smile.

Tell him that you're his wife and he should be putting you and your wishes ahead of his mother's.

He says it is nothing to do with the standard of cleaning, he just doesn't like the fact that I work all week long and then have to spend the weekend cleaning. He does do plenty to contribute in fairness, just not much of the grimy drudgery stuff.

Have asked my DH to explain in man language as he agrees with us. He says he can understand how a wife might be uncomfortable with it because (and I quote):

"you are being replaced, plus the mummy issues".

He also said he would never ask his mother to do any paid cleaning for us because we are both 31 years old and really we should be able to look after ourselves!! Even if we don't do a good job .

Huh.
Well ask him if he'd like FIL rummaging around his shed/garage/boy place then? MIL is an expert cleaner and sees the state of the house as your reponsibility. So do you, to an extent, or at least you feel responsible. It's the same as your father tutting over the state of his lawnmower blades or something. Taking over the running of his car for him perhaps.

And, in the interest of accuracy, hasn't he criticised your ability already tonight? Hmm? hmm?

Oh great, so now its dressed up as something he is doing for you! Well he can do more cleaning on the weekend/weeknights.

Can you compromise and suggest she only does downstairs and ironing? Maybe cook a meal or two to put in the freezer if you all agree?

Obviously if you can't stomach the idea at all then these things won't help but it was just a thought.

And why Mother in law? If this is all to help you, he should hand you the money and say do what you want, hire a cleaner/buy a robot/ stay out longer so you dont see the mess. Presenting Mil as your new cleaner is simply not done. It's not right.

And any woman worth her salt would have laughed at her sons suggestion. And told him to speak to you.

If he feels that you (both) need help with the cleaning so you can enjoy the little leisure time that you have, then you should talk about employing a proper cleaner with a contract etc.

Does your DH have 'man space' - a study, shed, garage or similar. Would he be happy for you to arrange for your mother to come in and tidy his 'man space'. She would rearrange his collection of Computer Weekly magazines, put all the charging cables away (after which he'd never be able to find the right cable for the right gadget), she would find his secret porn stash and make thinly veiled comments every Christmas about his excessive drinking (because he had half a bottle of scotch in there too). And best of all, he would have to grin and bear it or risk his relationship with his DW, and know that he was paying for the pleasure too .

I like cleaning, am working from home part time so spend a fair bit on cleaning/decorating. When mil came to stay (always a week or two at a time) she realised there was no value in critisising cleanliness as it was spotless so instead she patronised me at every turn by remarking I was such a little home maker, the food was too hot, there was too much, i waste too much and on and on.

This is such a stupid idea.

I agree with perfumedlife. Tell him if he's so concerned about you having to clean then he can hire a cleaner. One who won't go round judging you and intruding in your privacy.

He hasn't actually criticised my ability as I recollect, I think I just felt that some criticism was implied.

Oh MumIn Beds I am feeling like I should try and compromise, against my better judgement completely, but there's no good way out now that it's done, is there?

mememe - My MIL did that to me years ago and I've never forgiven her for it. She even brought her own Cif with her to do it so was obviously planned. I actually take pride in having a clean house especially when we have visitors so I was fuming when I found out.

My now DH and I had only just moved into our first flat and I think it was her way of saying that I wasn't good enough for him and no one could look after him like his mummy. My DH told her that I was insulted and she wasn't to do it again. Clearly your MIL is so insensitive that even the direct approach has failed.

OP - Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it!

Why do we all feel judged by other women in our homes anyway? It seems to be genetic! My dad's mum once came to my mum's, walked into the living room, walked straight over to a cabinet and ran a finger over it for dust in front of the whole family.

OK, hire a cleaner. Any cleaner. Tell MIL you don't dare sack her in case she sues you and isn't it just awful timing? If only DH had consulted you first. Offer to pay MIL for doing the ironing in her own home.

I am going to hell

Actually it's not just women, I also run round and clean like mad when DH decides to have all his mates round with ten mins notice.

Noooooooooooooooooooo, don't compromise, you'll regret it forever.

If I was married I'd get a divorce before letting my mil clean the house and I hate, loathe and detest cleaning. It's SHUDDERS ...well I can't think of words adequate enough to describe how terrible it would be and that's without the thought that my mil would be snooping through my house.