to not want DH to pay MIL to clean our house

[AmandaCooper]

Am I? DH thinks so, so I said I would ask you guys.

You do realise she will go through your knicker drawer, will iron pants, will throw jars of stuff from the fridge to the bin, will move important paperwork, will unplug PCs, Sky boxes, break things, take down curtains and not put them back up, throw other random things out and then deny all knowledge?

Well, thats what my nana did to me, it was awful, felt like i had been burgled/violated. Whole rugs were outside in the bin. Didnt speak to her for two years.

Actually, every cloud...

Ok how is this for a possible compromise?

We agree that MIL can come and clean BUT we also hire a second cleaner to come the day before and clean first. That way, MIL thinks I am quite slatternly as not up to her standards obviously, but does not know the whole horrible truth.

Quite expensive admittedly to have two cleaners but better than the alternative.

Don't compromise if it is going to make you miserable, it was just a suggestion to see if that felt in any way okay. For what it is worth I'd hate any cleaner in my home, MIL or not.

Ask your dh how he thinks the situation can be fixed, after all, he is the one who created the problem. I am sure he respects your right to veto something so potentially intrusive, if you can't have some control of your own home then I'm not sure where you can.

I would hate any cleaner as well, MumIn Beds, that's why I don't have one and just live in a pigsty.

Amanda . It's awful that your DH can see that as an alternative. If he can acknowledge how having MIL clean will make you feel, why can he not fix his up-cock?

I'd love a cleaner tbh, just not my mil as one.

SHUDDERS AGAIN

Yes,, great idea MuminBeds, tell dh you dont care how he deals with it, he just has to deal with it. Tell her the truth, hows that for a novel approach?

I swear to God, if dh did that to me it would be separation, with me staying in a local Hilton and him paying.

Nightmare. YANBU.

I think the real problem is that it can NEVER be a business arrangement, the personal element is intrinsic.

So if she thinks you and/or DH are not treating her right, or are asking her to do things that are unreasonable or if you think she's snooping/not doing a good job/taking advantage, neither side will ever be able to air any grievances without risking a huge family falling-out.

I think employer/employee relationships within close family are a really bad idea, and the risk of ending up on bad terms with each other is huge.

Dear Mr Amanda Cooper

Do you have tools ? Maybe a shed of tools that you are quite happy with. Don't need interfering with ? Now imagine Amanda saying to her father "Dad, DH's tools are in a bit of a mess, can you come over and sort them out. Throw away what you think he doesn't need and sort them out how you like. Oh and I'll pay you"

then imagine Amanda's father going back to your mother in law and saying "he keeps his stuff in a right state, he's not very good as a husband, is he ? I bet he can't put up a shelf, he's not as good as me, is he ? Oh well, at least I've sorted it. Every time he does DIY I'm going to go round and reorganise everything just the way I think it should be"

Would you like that ? In man language, it's interfering, unnecessary, it doesn't need doing.

And if you carry on like this you'll be paying for sex soon cos you ain't getting any

amanda, i think you are nuts to hire a cleaner for your mil to come and clean.

the only compromise i would make is that MIL don't come into yours and DP bedroom.

i would hate to have a cleaner, even if it was the top of the top

You would need to put a lock on the bedroom doors to prevent her going in, because she would. Every mil would. And if you dont currently have locks on your bedroom doors, she is going to know you did it to keep her out and she is going to take the huff at the first post.

Then you will take the locks off and start leaving a trail of talc to see if she has stepped over the threshold. There in lies madness

Is it established why, if you need/want a cleaner, it would have to be your MIL (of all people!?! Why not ring an agency and get someone less likely to nose neutral?

Its a recipe for disaster to agree to your MIL cleaning your house. It puts the relationship on a funny footing. One, because she knows things about you and DH no Mother should know about her child after he's over the age of 12, and Two, because she is becoming "paid help" and it is sort of demeaning to have someone clean up after you who isn't impartial to their customers' mess, as a professional cleaner would be. Three, because although she's cleaning your house, she will most definitely judge you on the state of it. Four, you'll spend all your time cleaning up the day before she's due to clean, so it won't free up any more week time at all. I can think of a five, six and seven, but I won't go on .

Google "Cleaning Companies" with your post code and have done.

The bulk cooking of freezer meals is a fine idea. So is ironing, although you could get a dryer and then not iron. (You English people do too much ironing!) I never iron anything except when I'm quilting. But I digress.......

It sounds like you need a cleaner, you are working full time. BUT NOT HIS MOM! That's such a terrible idea. Your MIL cleaning would be too invasive of your space. Your house is your castle (sorry for dragging out this trite saying). It is a place for you to be relax, not fret about what hidden dirt there is. No one wants their MIL to find you haven't vacuumed behind the doors in awhile, or your shower needs a good cleaning--and it will be seen as a fault of yours, not DH.

He and she deciding this amongst themselves without you being consulted is a violation of your rights and your privacy. Why doesn't he know that by now? How long have you been married?

Do not compromise - well do, tell him if he tells his Mum it's not going to happen, he can keep both his testicles.

Just say NO. End of.

It is an invasion of your privacy.
It is an implied criticism of your housekeeping.
It is your home and you have the right to say 'No' without defending yourself.

Just NO.

Tell him he doesn't need to understand it, he just needs to accept it.

Please tell us he's finally seen sense. I can't believe he just decided to hire his mother to clean without even speaking to you about it first. I'd be mad at the lack of respect and consideration he's displayed.

Thanks Tolalola DH takes the point about potential for resentment. Good logic Fibilou. Apparently "it's not the same at all" - but said in a muttering kind of way!

Yes APB that is not really a good solution, but it is the only way I could cope with the arrangement. I wonder if the other cleaner could also be on standby just in case MIL ever drops round without much warning...

come to think of it, i wouldn't even want my own mum cleaning my house.

Mr Amanda Cooper:-
you are opening u your whole home to your mum, it will be like when you lived at home.
(scary thought for me as my mum throw out everything that made a mess)

But if you add conditions like not going into certain rooms it'll offend her anyway. Best to tell terrible lies now and keep everyone happy.

Amanda - "The day she walks into this house as the cleaner, is the day I leave"

Go on - give it a try....

Oh yes AuntiePickle. Mr Cooper, she may find your stash. Again.

Glad to have been of assistance Amanda :D
Muttering is usually a sign they have been defeated

Perfumedlife: Good tip about the talc. When we left my MIL to look after the animals for a short weekend, I secretly trapped my dressing gown cord in the door so just a tiny triangle was visible. She wouldn't have noticed it before she opened the door you see. Pity I forgot and opened the door myself without checking so I never did know if she'd been nosy parkering. The talc is more foolproof, hmm.

Balletpink I don't think we do need a cleaner, and I don't think DH does either. His motivation was primarily to help his mum out but he thought he could kill two birds with one stone and help me out at the same time. I think he actually thought he was doing a beautiful thing, bless him.

Your reasoning is brilliant by the way. I don't want a cleaner but could I hire you to mediate in all DH and my disputes?!

Hansiemum we've been married for 16 months but have lived together for 8 years.

Chaotic I think we're getting there!

infact, get your mil to clean, then when he can't find xyz and abc has gone missing blame her