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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is he?

53 replies

CandlestickMaker · 15/11/2010 17:43

Currently in talks with exP over DS1.

He is asking for overnight contact out of the blue. So far this year he has seen him during the day only about 6/7 times.

I have said yes, but on condition that he sticks to arranged contact once a fortnight for the next 4 times, and then overnight contact can begin.

Thats the first AIBU.

Because of this he has decided to cut maintanence payments from £200 per month to £20. He is self employed and CSA no help. He is being unreasonable, right?

OP posts:
SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 15/11/2010 17:46

Yes he is. Though it is possible in this case that his motivation isn't just to fuck you off, but to save himself money - he may be struggling a lot financially. Is he a knob in other ways, or do you think it's feasible to discuss with him, if he's in a financial mess, that (for instance) he can reduce what he pays and make up the backlog at a later date, or do you think he just wants to spend his money toys for himself?

JandT · 15/11/2010 17:46

No you sound like you're being fair.

Can a solicitor help? My BF got one to write her ex a letter explaining she would love their son to have a relationship with him but it only works if he turns up. He was wonderful after he'd seen it all written down!

Snorbs · 15/11/2010 17:48

Unless he lives a long way away and that's the reason he hasn't seen DS very much, YANBU to ask that there's some regular contact before going for an overnight. Particularly so if DS is fairly young.

As for him reducing maintenance, YANBU and he's being a selfish, spiteful twat.

Original poster
CandlestickMaker · 15/11/2010 17:48

He is most definately not skint. When I say he is self employed, he is actually an MD, of two companies, both going strong. He is a knob in most ways (although I would say that as he is my exP!)

OP posts:
Original poster
CandlestickMaker · 15/11/2010 17:54

We have been to court 3 times in the past (DS is 4yo). Last time I didn't even bother with a solicitor. We couldn't afford one even if we wanted to, and thats still the case now.

He lives a 15min drive away.

Am furious about the maintenance and there's apparently nothing I can do about it. I wouldn't dream of witholding contact if he didn't pay!

OP posts:
Original poster
CandlestickMaker · 15/11/2010 17:55

I think the thing that got me the most was his wording 'when I have overnight contact, I will pay more. As if DS is a bloody toy! Angry

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 15/11/2010 18:01

YANBU... in other circumstances they call that 'blackmail'.

Original poster
CandlestickMaker · 15/11/2010 18:44

It is isn't it Chil! What can I do about it though?

So frustrating. I can be ordered to make DS available for contact, but he doesn't have to show up, for months, and then decide he wants him all the time, and I have to let him. He gets to choose what he pays. It all feels very unfair.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 15/11/2010 18:48

Get CSA invovled to collect maitenance, and if he makes out he earns pratically nothing ask for it to be reviewed by departures as declared income is inconsistant with lifestyle Angry

mamas12 · 15/11/2010 18:49

omg this is what is called play per view isn't it.

Put it all writing just like JandT says.

He is being a knob, can you phone his boss or someone to embarrass him.

Chil1234 · 15/11/2010 19:03

You really need lawyers on this one, I think. If CSA is drawing a blank and you've got a bullying ex husband calling the shots on threat of withdrawal of financial support then, even if you have to beg, steal or borrow the money to do it - get legal advice.

In the meantime, if he's only paying £20/month (if I read that right) I would keep my child at home with me and politely refuse all further contact. Let Mr Big Shot MD hop up and down. If he's giving you nothing, you've got nothing to lose and if he's that fickle about his child, neither has the child.... .

saffy85 · 15/11/2010 20:19

I'm with Chil. Blackmail is never acceptable, especially when it involves childrens welfare. You might have a fight on your hands but my god I'd make him pay one way or another. Your DS deserves better than to be used this way Angry

kingbeat23 · 15/11/2010 20:26

What Chil says...

Vallhala · 15/11/2010 20:29

Yep, what Chili says.

Original poster
CandlestickMaker · 15/11/2010 21:15

CarGirl - I've asked for it to be reviewed, but I know it will go nowhere. He declares minimum to avoid tax.

mamas12 - he is his boss unfortunately, it would be alot easier if he weren't!

Chil - really really can't afford it, begging stealing and borrowing to max at the moment anyway! Yes you read right, well £5 a week actually, which should cover, oh, 2 school lunches?! Really had considered refusing any contact, as he pulled that card first, but can't help thinking it would make me just as bad and I hate the thought of DS being pushed and pulled about Sad

OP posts:
CarGirl · 15/11/2010 21:22

Have you thought of alerting the tax man??????????

You do need to insist it's done under departures as his lifestyle is inconsistant with his declared income.

It's so sad as you do get to the point where you think your ds would be better off if his
Dad decided to move away Angry rather than treat him like this.

Original poster
CandlestickMaker · 15/11/2010 21:41

I just can't see how any of it would be proven? From what I gather he's done quite a good job of covering his tracks.

All so frustrating!

OP posts:
CarGirl · 15/11/2010 21:43

Anyone who is self employed can be investigated by the tax man. Perhaps he is legally doing tax avoidance but being investigated is unpleasant and very thorough.

ChippingIn · 15/11/2010 21:47

His income should be relatively 'proveable' the CSA aren't stupid when it comes to self employed men.

I know it's not nice to feel DS is being 'bargained over' but I would also tell ExDP that until he pays regular, decent maintenance and keeps to his agreement re contact he will not be seeing DS at all as it's too disruptive... and stick to it.

If he lives 15 minutes away and has only seen DS a few times this year, there's no way I'd let him have him overnight anyway.

Original poster
CandlestickMaker · 15/11/2010 21:52

Gosh, really? I didn't expect that sort of response at all.

Is it honestly fair to stop contact? How would the court view it though? I've a feeling we're heading that way. It's unlikely that he will stick to the scheduled contact as it is and when I refuse overnight at Christmas he will kick up a stink and probably get a solicitor involved. Not that I've been here before or anything...

OP posts:
SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 16/11/2010 16:34

Get yourself a solicitor first. Remember that this man is the one behaving badly (lying about his income in order to deprive his own son of support, not turning up thus disappointing his son, bullying you etc etc).

Original poster
CandlestickMaker · 17/11/2010 08:59

Okay... things have moved on somewhat and I feel really stumped now.

A few emails back and forth, basic jist being him saying if I 'let him have overnight stays' he will pay £400 per month, me saying Shock and that basically DS is not for sell. End result - he has decided to cut all contact (including this Sat, which DS will be gutted about) and will take me back to court.

Solicitor really not an option.

Help Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CandlestickMaker · 17/11/2010 09:00

I now really need to know if my requests have been reasonable, and whether the court will think so...

OP posts:
sixpercenttruejedi · 17/11/2010 09:05

have you reported him to the taxman and csa?

LittlebearH · 17/11/2010 09:08

This is awkward as your poor DS in in hte middle.

Your ex should pay proper and regular maintenance and keep to regular contact before you consider letting him staying overnight.

Your DS needs consistancy IMHO and 6 times a year to overnight is a big jump. If DS enjoys the overnight stay and his dad then doesnt see him for ages it is not fair.

Maybe get some help from solicitor or CAB??

Regular contact and decent maintenance are not unreasonable requests.

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