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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in laws

29 replies

nuttyredhead · 15/11/2010 12:23

hey,
i fell out with my "inlaws" 4 yrs ago because they refused to acknowledge my son from a previous relationship,they refused t send cards or presents for him.They would only buy for their "biological grandchild,nephew etc"

My youngest son has got older and started t become more involved with my in laws.They are what to buy for xmas for him but again not interested in my eldest son.

Do your in laws buy for step children or am i just being unreasonable expecting them to.
Any advice would be very helpful.

Take care

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 15/11/2010 12:26

YANBU the tight bastards

scurryfunge · 15/11/2010 12:27

Does your elder son receive gifts from his other set of grandparents?

It seems rude to not acknowledge the elder boy at all. Where is your husband in this? Does he acknowledge the other child?

Miffles · 15/11/2010 12:29

YANBU - I'm a step child and my grandparents from step dad's side have always welcomed me just the same as their "full blood" grandchild. Very important, I think.

Only thing is now that we're older, my younger sis was given BIG birthday presents for 18th and 21st and wedding from her proper grandmother, and I wasn't. But that was cos I had an extra set of grandparents she didn't have IYSWIM. And we were old enough to understand!

ivykaty44 · 15/11/2010 12:30

they don't have to acknowledge any child if they don''t want to.

Why do you think they should buy presents for your ds who isn't their grandchild?

why can you not be happy for them to have a relationship with their own grandchild?

you can't make people do what you want them to do

nubbins · 15/11/2010 12:33

My in-laws treat DD1 exactly the same as the younger two, even have her school picture up with the others. You really wouldn't know they are not related, apart from DD not calling them nana/aunty etc, though the offer is there.

YANBU, but I don't know what you can do. Has your DH told them how you feel about it?

Toughasoldboots · 15/11/2010 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrillianAstra · 15/11/2010 12:35

I'm a stepchild and I have always been treated 100% the same. They are being vey unreasonable. If their son (your DH) has chosen to have your DS1 in his life then they should too.

Original poster
nuttyredhead · 15/11/2010 12:38

I thought it was cruel t pick which one of my children they got involved with! After all my husband treats him like his own.

i not askin for gift jus acknowledgement that he is here,ie a card would be nice!!

Husband fell out with his family over it as he is his "stepson".

I wud not single or leave out any child.Children are innocent adults can be weirdGrin.

OP posts:
Myleetlepony · 15/11/2010 12:40

Your DH needs to get involved in this I think. Surely he doesn't feel it's right that they treat your son so badly?

FlameGrilledMama · 15/11/2010 12:41

I was a step child whose step GP ignored left me with loads of confidance issues, YANBU

sparkle12mar08 · 15/11/2010 12:43

You need to be having a SERIOUS conversation with your DP/DH, the in laws are the least of your problems, frankly...

Original poster
nuttyredhead · 15/11/2010 12:46

thanks f all the support guys. I jus wanted t know other opinions or experiences befor i tackle it again.Will chat with hubby about situation,he prob knows the conversation is on its way!!

take care and thankyouGrin

OP posts:
thisiswhataluv · 15/11/2010 12:47

thats awfil Sad
i was a stepchild, samething happened to me...in the end i went to live with my grandparents as i was the blacksheep in my mothers house Sad ....anyhow my gps couldnt have done enough for me and i am eternally grateful for them stepping in to bring me up Smile

my son is a stepchild, dh and i got together when ds was 2, he is 8 now and dh has adopted him, the rule was i come as a package, you take me, you take my son . dh has never treat him any different to our 2dds, pils are brilliant, infact they are better than my own mother Smile

CheeseandGherkins · 15/11/2010 12:48

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby with DH, first grandchild for his mum too, I have 3 from my previous marriage. She has always sent cards and a present or money for my children at their birthdays and Christmas. It would feel wrong if there were no acknowledgement at all. A present isn't necessary but is appreciated by us and the children, a card is all I'd expect.

She has never been "funny" about my dc's and loves seeing them, which isn't that often as she lives a good few hours drive away but I know that when we do see each other it's always pleasant and not stressful at all. We've only been married since Sept too and things were the same before that (been together 2 and a half years or so). So I think YANBU.

Toughasoldboots · 15/11/2010 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nuttyredhead · 15/11/2010 13:03

He he will dfo show hubby this thread!!

At the risk of sounding daft wat does YANBU mean?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 15/11/2010 13:06

It means you are not being unreasonable.

StewieGriffinsMom · 15/11/2010 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumperella · 15/11/2010 13:10

It does depend on the age though. If the older step-grandchild is in mid-teens then it's a very different situation to if he's under-5.

Original poster
nuttyredhead · 15/11/2010 13:18

yes i totally agree with you Bump.

My eldest son is too old f presents but a card or some chocs,bottle wine would be a nice gesture.

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 15/11/2010 13:29

For comparison my dc's are almost 4, 7 years old and nearly 9.

sims2fan · 15/11/2010 15:02

I know of one family like this. I think they are very odd and not very nice people. They only buy gifts for 2 biological grandchildren, and not 1 older stepchild. They also ask to have their grandkids over by themselves, but don't extend the invitation to the stepchild. I think sometimes the family go over there for Christmas dinner (so of course they have to grudgingly have the stepchild too) and they will give the little ones presents in front of the older one, with nothing for her! I think that's just mean. In my family we have a big family get together every year, and always buy something for whoever is going to be there, regardless of how long we have known them or what 'relation' they are. So, as us cousins have grown up, as we have brought our partners along there has always been a little gift for them. One year it was held at my aunt's house, and we asked if my half sister (no relation to that side of my family) and her husband and 3 kids could come as they were staying with us on that day. They were welcomed with open arms, and everyone was given a small gift. My mum has 5 stepgrandkids, but has always bought them presents and made time for them. She will babysit any time she is needed, and when talking about them refers to them as 'my grandchildren.' Even now that her husband, their biological grandfather, is dead, she sees them no less, and nothing about their relationship has changed. She just accepted that when she maried my dad, his kids came as part of the deal, and happily welcomed each grandchild as it arrived. I once worked with someone whose partner's daughter had just given birth. Someone asked her, 'are you excited to be a grandmother?' She replied, 'oh no, I'm not a grandmother, the baby is nothing to do with me, he can see it in his own time, I'm not going to bother.' I thought that was really cold and hard of her, particularly as she was someone who worked with, and so presumably liked, children!

MintyMoo · 15/11/2010 15:24

YANBU - my Mother considers my Niece (daughter of my half brother so her stepson's daughter) to be her Granddaughter. DN calls Mum Granny, my father's first wife Grandma and her Mother's mother Nanna. My brother's were both adults when I was born but Mum gets them presents etc as well. My other half brother recently married a lady with two children - they are both my nieces in the same way my biological niece is in my opinion. I met them at the wedding - they will both receive money for Christmas alongside my other niece. I would not treat them less favourably - my DB has accepted them as his daughters therefore I will too.

You need to give your DH a kick up the backside so that he can see this isn't acceptable!

PaisleyLeaf · 15/11/2010 15:27

Bottle of wine? How old is your son?
Does your older DS have contact with his own grandparents?

KaraStarbuckThrace · 15/11/2010 15:35

I think it depends on the situation.

I have a DS and a DSS. My parents live a very long way from us (mum 300 miles, Dad 1800miles) so they never get the opportunity to see DSS. My mum always sends him cards and money for his birthday and Christmas, and asks after him regularly but that is it. She spends far more on my DS. Which to me is fine as DSS has 2 sets of biological GPs who he does see regularly. My Dad doesn't do anything but he has only ever met my DSS once at our wedding. If they lived nearer and had regular contact with DSS, it would be different. DSS isn't at all bothered about it as he doesn't know my dad and hardly knows my mum.
DH's DB has a stepdaughter, 2 children by his first wife and one by his second. They all see the PILs regularly, and my stepniece is treated exactly the same as her 2 stepsisters and half brother.

So I think it has a lot to do with if there is regular contact. It sounds like the OP has regular contact with her ILS and yes they should make an effort to treat her DS the same as her other DCs.

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