in laws

[nuttyredhead]

hey,
i fell out with my "inlaws" 4 yrs ago because they refused to acknowledge my son from a previous relationship,they refused t send cards or presents for him.They would only buy for their "biological grandchild,nephew etc"

My youngest son has got older and started t become more involved with my in laws.They are what to buy for xmas for him but again not interested in my eldest son.

Do your in laws buy for step children or am i just being unreasonable expecting them to.
Any advice would be very helpful.

Take care

[CardyMow]

I had this a few years ago with bonkers MIL. She would only do stuff for 'her' GC. Even though my eldest didn't have ANY contact with her father's family. It got to the point where DP was a wussbag and I split u for 3 years over her refusal to accept my other 2 dc's. She bought a single buggy for 'her GS' when my older dc was only 18 months old. The final straw came when I had to LIE to my own 6yo DD (at the time) on her birthday because MIL refused to even get her a card and DD was in tears. I had to go and buy a card, and pretend it was from MIL. Many other occurences. Split up with DP for 3 yrs over it.

Now thankfully, DP has grown some testicles insisted that MIL treats them all the same, and TBH she is now doing a sterling job of doing so! It's taken 12 yrs in all to get to that point though, and even though DP and I have been back together for 18 months, it's only been the last 6 months that it's been like that.

[bumperella]

The oldest is 9-years-old?? And the GP's think it's acceptable to "choose" on over the other? That's appalling.

[pranma]

My parents always bought equal presents for my dsc who were teens when I 'got' them.I am appalled at your in-laws.

[FindingMyMojo]

My brothers wife has 2 children from previous marriage - we've always made a huge effort to treat them the same despite the fact they are 'difficult' and at times very unlikeable & have never ONCE said thanks for a present anyone in my family has given them. Still they've done well birthday, Xmas etc and are always included, never forgotten about.

Still my SIL moans my Mum doesn't treat them the same as their other 2 younger kids - in that they don't go to my Mums to hang our, bake cakes etc as often as the others. She is a 'difficult' person though so no surprise there (I'm sure your different OP). It seems like it's a no win situation. BTW the older kids GP's don't acknowledge the younger 2 at all in any way. So 2 kids have 3 sets of GP's and 2 kids have 2 sets of GP's and my Mum who sees them the most gets crap for not doing XY&Z. And the kids who have 3 sets of GP's are "unfairly" treated. No mention of the older kids not wanting to bake cakes with my Mum etc.

[KaraStarbuckThrace]

I think it depends on the situation.

I have a DS and a DSS. My parents live a very long way from us (mum 300 miles, Dad 1800miles) so they never get the opportunity to see DSS. My mum always sends him cards and money for his birthday and Christmas, and asks after him regularly but that is it. She spends far more on my DS. Which to me is fine as DSS has 2 sets of biological GPs who he does see regularly. My Dad doesn't do anything but he has only ever met my DSS once at our wedding. If they lived nearer and had regular contact with DSS, it would be different. DSS isn't at all bothered about it as he doesn't know my dad and hardly knows my mum.
DH's DB has a stepdaughter, 2 children by his first wife and one by his second. They all see the PILs regularly, and my stepniece is treated exactly the same as her 2 stepsisters and half brother.

So I think it has a lot to do with if there is regular contact. It sounds like the OP has regular contact with her ILS and yes they should make an effort to treat her DS the same as her other DCs.

[PaisleyLeaf]

Bottle of wine? How old is your son?
Does your older DS have contact with his own grandparents?

[MintyMoo]

YANBU - my Mother considers my Niece (daughter of my half brother so her stepson's daughter) to be her Granddaughter. DN calls Mum Granny, my father's first wife Grandma and her Mother's mother Nanna. My brother's were both adults when I was born but Mum gets them presents etc as well. My other half brother recently married a lady with two children - they are both my nieces in the same way my biological niece is in my opinion. I met them at the wedding - they will both receive money for Christmas alongside my other niece. I would not treat them less favourably - my DB has accepted them as his daughters therefore I will too.

You need to give your DH a kick up the backside so that he can see this isn't acceptable!

[sims2fan]

I know of one family like this. I think they are very odd and not very nice people. They only buy gifts for 2 biological grandchildren, and not 1 older stepchild. They also ask to have their grandkids over by themselves, but don't extend the invitation to the stepchild. I think sometimes the family go over there for Christmas dinner (so of course they have to grudgingly have the stepchild too) and they will give the little ones presents in front of the older one, with nothing for her! I think that's just mean. In my family we have a big family get together every year, and always buy something for whoever is going to be there, regardless of how long we have known them or what 'relation' they are. So, as us cousins have grown up, as we have brought our partners along there has always been a little gift for them. One year it was held at my aunt's house, and we asked if my half sister (no relation to that side of my family) and her husband and 3 kids could come as they were staying with us on that day. They were welcomed with open arms, and everyone was given a small gift. My mum has 5 stepgrandkids, but has always bought them presents and made time for them. She will babysit any time she is needed, and when talking about them refers to them as 'my grandchildren.' Even now that her husband, their biological grandfather, is dead, she sees them no less, and nothing about their relationship has changed. She just accepted that when she maried my dad, his kids came as part of the deal, and happily welcomed each grandchild as it arrived. I once worked with someone whose partner's daughter had just given birth. Someone asked her, 'are you excited to be a grandmother?' She replied, 'oh no, I'm not a grandmother, the baby is nothing to do with me, he can see it in his own time, I'm not going to bother.' I thought that was really cold and hard of her, particularly as she was someone who worked with, and so presumably liked, children!

[CheeseandGherkins]

For comparison my dc's are almost 4, 7 years old and nearly 9.

[nuttyredhead]

yes i totally agree with you Bump.

My eldest son is too old f presents but a card or some chocs,bottle wine would be a nice gesture.

[bumperella]

It does depend on the age though. If the older step-grandchild is in mid-teens then it's a very different situation to if he's under-5.

[scurryfunge]

It means you are not being unreasonable.

[nuttyredhead]

He he will dfo show hubby this thread!!

At the risk of sounding daft wat does YANBU mean?

[CheeseandGherkins]

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby with DH, first grandchild for his mum too, I have 3 from my previous marriage. She has always sent cards and a present or money for my children at their birthdays and Christmas. It would feel wrong if there were no acknowledgement at all. A present isn't necessary but is appreciated by us and the children, a card is all I'd expect.

She has never been "funny" about my dc's and loves seeing them, which isn't that often as she lives a good few hours drive away but I know that when we do see each other it's always pleasant and not stressful at all. We've only been married since Sept too and things were the same before that (been together 2 and a half years or so). So I think YANBU.

[thisiswhataluv]

thats awfil
i was a stepchild, samething happened to me...in the end i went to live with my grandparents as i was the blacksheep in my mothers house ....anyhow my gps couldnt have done enough for me and i am eternally grateful for them stepping in to bring me up

my son is a stepchild, dh and i got together when ds was 2, he is 8 now and dh has adopted him, the rule was i come as a package, you take me, you take my son . dh has never treat him any different to our 2dds, pils are brilliant, infact they are better than my own mother

[nuttyredhead]

thanks f all the support guys. I jus wanted t know other opinions or experiences befor i tackle it again.Will chat with hubby about situation,he prob knows the conversation is on its way!!

take care and thankyou

[sparkle12mar08]

You need to be having a SERIOUS conversation with your DP/DH, the in laws are the least of your problems, frankly...

[FlameGrilledMama]

I was a step child whose step GP ignored left me with loads of confidance issues, YANBU

[Myleetlepony]

Your DH needs to get involved in this I think. Surely he doesn't feel it's right that they treat your son so badly?

[nuttyredhead]

I thought it was cruel t pick which one of my children they got involved with! After all my husband treats him like his own.

i not askin for gift jus acknowledgement that he is here,ie a card would be nice!!

Husband fell out with his family over it as he is his "stepson".

I wud not single or leave out any child.Children are innocent adults can be weird.

[TrillianAstra]

I'm a stepchild and I have always been treated 100% the same. They are being vey unreasonable. If their son (your DH) has chosen to have your DS1 in his life then they should too.

[nubbins]

My in-laws treat DD1 exactly the same as the younger two, even have her school picture up with the others. You really wouldn't know they are not related, apart from DD not calling them nana/aunty etc, though the offer is there.

YANBU, but I don't know what you can do. Has your DH told them how you feel about it?