to think that my dcs should pay for their own cars, houses etc?

[overthemill]

this is really bugging me. I am from a fairly normal working class not at all well off probably poorish background. My parents loved me but had nothing so I never got anything from them once I left home. When I was at home doing summer jobs (as a student) my mum would ask for £10 a week (in the 70s) towards my 'keep'. I never got pocket money. If I wanted something I had to work for it (I got my first p/t job at 13 and worked all through school and college). My mum used to make up my grant (about £30 a term was what they had to pay) out of the money I gave her in the summer. My last year at college my dad refused to fill in the application forms so I didn't get a grant that year at all and I had to work 2 days a week to pay rent, eat etc. Incidentally I came out of college with a few hundred pounds in savings. Two days after my finals I got a job and have worked ever since.

I have no beef about this at all - I think it was 'normal' for my family and most of my peers, there were a few people I knew whose parents had more money but really very few.

I am now married to a lovely dh (not our first marriages) and we have 3 kids between us. I came along when his were 2 & 4 and ours was born about a year later.
First is due to go to Uni in 2011 ad it has suddenly become apparent to me that dh is expecting to fund in full her education - ie at least £10k a year for the 4 year degree, then do the same for the next one and then the next. I have always kind of known this but hadn't ever realised he was planning to wholly find it, not just 'top it up'.

And then, last weekend we had a real argument about the kids cars - dsd has juststarted driving lessons and will want a car. He blithely said, 'we'll have to buy her one' and still later 'we need to look into how we can help them all out with deposits when they want to buy a house'.

Now I am totally and utterly gobsmacked by this. He does come from a different background from me. Privately educated, Oxford Uni and he had help from his very comfortably off parents at various stages. He thinks this is normal. I think it is totally and utterly abnormal.

You need to know that we do not have much money at all - he doesn't earn loads and I lost my job last year and have struggled to find alternatives, he will probably get made redundant next year - and his payout will not be huge. We are always overdrawn and live paycheck to paycheck despite our best endeavours.

AIBU - please tell me, what do you think - are you all planning to impoverish yourselves to give your dc's money?

Yes but a gesture or assistance with some of these things expatinscotland is perhaps more realistically what happens in some families. It is not necessarily am all or nothing decision, I.e I can't pay for university fees so I won't give you anything unless I have the money over and above the costs of my minimal luxuries!

Also, I think it was pretty rude to suggest someone needs counselling as they essentially don't agree with you!

My dd's experiences are 10 a million times better than mine. She does not need me to buy her a house or car in order to have a happy fulfilled life.

It's not the first time mama's gone on about her mother, Golden. She does sound dire from other things she's said about her, that's why I'm glad she's had counselling about it.

You see waterloo i was independent because i had to be and got myself in some sticky situations which when i look back how i didn't end up dead in a ditch i don't know.
I certainly don't want my girls having to choose between food and saving on bus fare by walking through the park home from their bar job at 3am.
It's a balance which is hard to get right but we must try I feel.

And Golden, the OP is not talking about gesture or some assistance here.

Her spouse intends them to compromise themselves very seriously to pay full whack for car, uni and deposit.

I don't think it ever stops, families should help when they can. The line is between neccessities and luxuries, on both sides.

Compared to my parents I am generous. I had to work from about 14, I only went to school for half the week. They were furious when I did A Levels and I was forbidden from going to university. All the time at uni I had to send money home for my board. I woud never do that to my daughter. I have put money aside to help her with university. Although I expect her to pay as well and take out student loans etc and pay them back out of her wages.

She is a bitch Goldenbear, some of her antics if you saw them on a soap opera you'd think they were too far fetched to be true.

Just read the OP again:

£40K in university
car
helping with deposits.

x3.

Again, that is beyond the scope of reality for many working families.

I agree with mamatomany, my parents didn't help me at all once I turned 18 and whilst I've done well for myself I had it tougher than most. So hopefully I will make sure that my children don't have to go through the same.

I think it should stop when children are adults, tbh. Yes: help them out if they fall on hard times, but I don't think parents should be funding luxuries that their children can save up for.

You might not mamatomany but your dcs might feel that they own you to make you happy and proud.
My cousin did. She attempted suiside because she couldn't tell her parents that she hates her course and wanted to drop off.

Me on the other hand, i messed my life many times but with my own money-so not guilt. And always got up again.

That's the way i see it huddspur, my children are my world if i can do anything to ensure their safety and happiness then i do and will continue to do so, you can't take it with you at the end of the day. And i don't want their lives to begin when i'm dead.

Of course if my dd was starving I would help, I look back at some of the situations I got into trying to get by and I would not wish her to have to deal with that. I have worked in seedy clubs and come very close to prostitution in order to make ends meet. I do hope that my dd has more bloody common sense than I did which may help her avoid my mistakes.

However there will be no inheritance, there will be no car and no deposit for a house.

I will do anything to ensure her happiness and safety, neither of those rely on having a car or a house though.

I think if somebody is committing suicide over a uni course there's more to than letting your folks down financially.
My parents told me i was a thick, ugly bastard who'd amount to nothing regularly but i wasn't about to kill myself

expat, I don't expect it, but I think perhaps harbour some issues about my DB who is the same age as me being a freeloader, still living with my mum and her funding his drinking, smoking, eating and general existence to him doing sweet FA, while I have done everything "by the book", been the diligent daughter, been to university, supported her financially at times, and I haven't been worth considering for the most part, even when she has been in a position to help! That is where my gripe is, although I know better.

Thanks for satiating my nosiness though, I do agree with your views for the most part so it was interesting to have you put it into context. :)

Maybe she thinks you don't need help lottery, I would take it as a compliment.

For a sensitive young girl who felt traped, having a huge pressure on her shoulders was enough reason mama

Mamatomany that's ridiculous, their lives won't begin when you're dead if you don't give them money.
And as for you can't take it it with you - that depends on how long you take to depart.

Yes expatinscotland so the OP needs to talk to her husband about a compromise as that it what marriage is about, apparently? She cannot expect to have the absolute decision on this. It maybe necessary within this compromise to realise that a gesture may have to ne made!

waterloo, I doubt it's really that simple but that's another story for another time. :) I compromised my safety to make ends meet when I was at younger too, in similar ways to you. I would hope my DCs never have to go through what I did, and would like to think I would be able to aid financially if necessary to avoid that.

I think the point she was making is that she would rather she give her children money when she is alive to help them get a deposit etc than have them inherit some when she dies when the money may not be as useful to them.

Or the money might be neccessary for her when she reaches old age.But a luxury for her DC now. You can't compare luxuries/necessities.

I got myself into those situations because I was dragged up and felt alone in a hostile world. My dd has had a loving childhood and I hope we have and will continue to make time to ensure she grows into a grounded young lady who does not think so little of herself that she thinks her body has a price.