.....at DP coming home rip-roaring drunk and putting on my clothes?!

[shinyblackgrape]

Back story - DP likes a drink, which I have always know. He never drinks during the week but, when he goes out at the weekend, he drinks a LOT. He has pissed on our bedroom carpet before type of thing. The next day is a total write off due to extreme hangovers. This usually happens about once every four - six weeks or so.

However, we will be getting married in a year and have agreed that we will start TTC right after. Therefore, we could have a baby in about 18 months.

Last night, DP's sister came to visit. DP did tell me she was coming but on Saturday. However, I understood he was going out with his friends last night. I gave him a lift to the pub to be told that actually his sister was down that night and I "could come out" if I wanted. Obviously, I hardly wanted to go in a work suit. But I was annoyed as I know that he did this as he clearly planned to have an absolute skinful and didn't want me there to "prevent" this.

Apparently, sister was staying with a friend. However, the friend sensibly went home about 11pm. DP and sister stayed out and and arived back home at 5:30am with a friend of DP's. I woke up and then got up to put sheets on beds. DP was past it and, on balance, I would rather have sheets on the bed than people sleeping without.

DP came down stairs to help me with his friend's sheets but they both started laughing at me which, I admit, made me lose my rag at DP on the basis that I had been woken up and a bit of thanks wouldn't go amiss.

I couldn't get back to sleep and went for a bath. Came back to find that DP - is so leathered- has put on one of my best (and most expensive) tops for some reason (so leathered he clearly thought it was one of his). He is 6 foot 6 and 17 stones an I am 5 foot 5 and a lot less so obviously it was ripped to bits. He thinks it is hilarious. I lose rag and am then called a "crazy bastard" .

AIBU to be completely pissed off. I can't get back to sleep so am about to get up properly. I dread this happening if/when we have a baby.

DP thinks I am a total party-pooper and that I am trying to stop him seeing his friends. I am trying to make him see that I am at home picking up the pieces when this happens. He (and his friends) thinks that it is all hilarious and I just don't know how to have a good time.

Tomorrow will be a total write off. There will no acknowledgement regarding what has happened or offer to replace my clothes.

I am furious but I just want some other perspectives. I like to go out and have a drink but gave up drinking til I fall down when I was a student.

It is causing problems with DP's sister and his friends as they clearly think I am over-reacting.

What does the wisdom of Mumsnet think....[stands back and prepares to be flamed].

I think he needs to grow up,nothing wrong in having a good night out with mates but when he gets that drunk he doesnt know what he is doing,well i wouldnt like it personally.

YANBU at all.

I wouldn't be impressed either - someone showing me and my stuff a complete lack of respect is not for me. This kind of behaviour will absolutely become a problem if you have a baby as you will be tired and will resent him being out of action the next day let alone worrying about him picking up the baby when he gets in.

Having said that - if you can say nothing about last night but calmly ask that he replaces your top - see what he says.

I think you shouldn't have got up at 5:30 to do the beds etc - you should have just stayed in bed - if you're worried about people sleeping on bare beds, then have a sheet on them all the time just incase.

I'd tell him to fuck off, then go back and fuck off some more.

Remember - that is a fair point re the beds.

I think the bed is a bit of a side issue so apols for emphasising it so much. The issue is actually DP's apparent (as I see it) lack of respect for me and my things due to his binge drinking.

Any attempt to discuss it is seen as me trying to prevent him from going out or being "controlling" as this is all a big laugh and people should be able to come and stay whenever they way. Shiny is just a boring old party pooper

Bugger an offer to replace the top. If it was expensive you can tell him how much he owes you for it.

I think you need to sort out the issues you have in your relationship that are making you angry and disrupting your life, before you even begin to consider adding a baby to the mix.
He doesn't sound ready to be a father yet.

I would go and get his credit card, go to the shops and buy yourself a replacement top - meanwhile telling him at regular intervals to fuck off.

I would be so pissed off
I'm not sure I could live with him , not knowing when the next time he will get completely shite faced and what new lows he will sink too
what's he like the rest of the time? Do you love him?

SBG, I really really do see your point, but please beleive me, when you do have a child, you will crave the chance to do this!

I totally get why you are pissed off about the top, but it gives you a great excuse to go shopping wih his card.

Im sat here, as a mum of 2 toddlers, having been up since 5, feelig totally jealous of his crazy night! Hindsight is a great thing.

I would think very seriously if you want to have a baby with this man, if he can't accept that what he is doing is affecting you then how is he going to change when the baby comes along.

But it looks like Im in the minority....
Just a thought, I was a total animal before having kids, drunk, smoking, sleepingabout, no way ready to be a parent. I dont think you can really judge how he will be as a dad if he is only doing this every 4-6 weeks. Its not every weekend guys.

I have the card! No PIN sadly. However, just of to the French Connection website.

mfg, I was a wild child too, before having children. But I grew up a bit and made some decisions before adding a baby to our lives.
His partner isn't happy about what he's doing, so they need to sort stuff out between themselves prior to considering parenting.
Doesn't sound to judgy or negative IMO

He has a drinking problem. Just because it is only every 4-6 weeks does not mean that he doesn't. I say this as someone who has had issues with alcohol. Your DP definitely has issues with alcohol. He needs to address these BEFORE you have children.

No YADNBU. Your DP is treating you with an utter lack of respect and you are letting him. Don't have children with this man. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions before he can take on the responsibility of a child.

I wouldn't be able to put up with this behaviour at all, no matter how seldom it happened. I find it very unnerving, almost frightening when someone is so drunk that you don't know what they're going to do. I don't think he'd ever hurt you or do something violent but for me wearing and destroying a top of mine would be way beyond what I could tolerate.

As you said, it shows a complete lack of respect and that is a very very bad sign in a relationship. He should respect the fact that you're not a big party animal like he is and perhaps arrange to stay somewhere else when he goes on a bender. That said I really couldn't put up with the full scale hangovers, so I wouldn't get with a guy like this. Do you think you two are compatible enough for marriage? Are you prepared to put up with this for the next 50 or so years, even when you have tiny babies? You can't assume he'll change.

MFG - Thanks for your post. It helps. I'm just trying to get a handle on this.

What I think is an issue too is the total lack of any thanks/remorse etc. I am being told to "shut up" to people can go to sleep and that I "woke myself up".

DP can't even remember coming home.....and wasn't aware that his sister was here.

Apparently, I can't have friends here either if he can't and starting early)and am already being told that I trying to stop him going out, blah blah blah .

Has anyone ever managed to sort this kind of thing out or do I have to accept he is what he is and make my decision based on that?

YANBU, but i don't think that's really the point. some peole might find this level of drinking acceptable, others might not, but it's you that's having a relationship with him and you have to work out what works for you.

if you decide you'd be happier with a teetotaller or a heavy social drinker you need to decide before you start having children. don't go into it hoping that you can change him.

sorry, cross - posted - make your decision based on what he is!

he sounds like a complete twat. a nasty twat.

i would dump anyone who treated me like that regularly

yanbu. he'll be doing this if you have a baby. it's not so much the drinking that would bother me, but the complete lack of interest/remorse for how it affects you.

Leave him.

Find yourself a lovely man. There are some out there.

Do not have children with this man.

Why on earth are you sharing a house and precious young years of your life with this man, much less considering having his child?

How will you feel when he comes home out of it and pisses on the carpet in your baby's room?

Or expects you to be host to his friends and get up not just every 2 hours at night but from 5am onwards with a baby while he sleeps his hangover off?

You'll be exhaustive and resentful, fearful for your baby's environment, welfare and future and he will be controlling you, knowing that he can go out and get pissed, disrespect you and your home and property and bring who he likes into it at all hours because you will by then be dependent on him and trapped.

For goodness sakes, sit back and think about it, please.

Is this so serious that I should leave??? [worried now].

I am, of course, highly pissed off but was hoping that someone might have some tips on sorting this out.

Valhala - .

Any thoughts on involving his parents? His father, in particular, thinks he drinks too much. However, is this just adding fuel to the fire?