.....at DP coming home rip-roaring drunk and putting on my clothes?!

[shinyblackgrape]

Back story - DP likes a drink, which I have always know. He never drinks during the week but, when he goes out at the weekend, he drinks a LOT. He has pissed on our bedroom carpet before type of thing. The next day is a total write off due to extreme hangovers. This usually happens about once every four - six weeks or so.

However, we will be getting married in a year and have agreed that we will start TTC right after. Therefore, we could have a baby in about 18 months.

Last night, DP's sister came to visit. DP did tell me she was coming but on Saturday. However, I understood he was going out with his friends last night. I gave him a lift to the pub to be told that actually his sister was down that night and I "could come out" if I wanted. Obviously, I hardly wanted to go in a work suit. But I was annoyed as I know that he did this as he clearly planned to have an absolute skinful and didn't want me there to "prevent" this.

Apparently, sister was staying with a friend. However, the friend sensibly went home about 11pm. DP and sister stayed out and and arived back home at 5:30am with a friend of DP's. I woke up and then got up to put sheets on beds. DP was past it and, on balance, I would rather have sheets on the bed than people sleeping without.

DP came down stairs to help me with his friend's sheets but they both started laughing at me which, I admit, made me lose my rag at DP on the basis that I had been woken up and a bit of thanks wouldn't go amiss.

I couldn't get back to sleep and went for a bath. Came back to find that DP - is so leathered- has put on one of my best (and most expensive) tops for some reason (so leathered he clearly thought it was one of his). He is 6 foot 6 and 17 stones an I am 5 foot 5 and a lot less so obviously it was ripped to bits. He thinks it is hilarious. I lose rag and am then called a "crazy bastard" .

AIBU to be completely pissed off. I can't get back to sleep so am about to get up properly. I dread this happening if/when we have a baby.

DP thinks I am a total party-pooper and that I am trying to stop him seeing his friends. I am trying to make him see that I am at home picking up the pieces when this happens. He (and his friends) thinks that it is all hilarious and I just don't know how to have a good time.

Tomorrow will be a total write off. There will no acknowledgement regarding what has happened or offer to replace my clothes.

I am furious but I just want some other perspectives. I like to go out and have a drink but gave up drinking til I fall down when I was a student.

It is causing problems with DP's sister and his friends as they clearly think I am over-reacting.

What does the wisdom of Mumsnet think....[stands back and prepares to be flamed].

I've been where you are and he won't change until he wants to. He doesn see anything wring in what he does. You have become like his mother now telling him off.

My ex and I used to go out alot, drink alot and party a night together. When I got pregnant I thought he would change as I had to, but he didn't. Men don't have to do they?

I was very lonely and depressed when ds1 was born. My ex used to go out on a Friday and come back Sunday. Bank holidays would be tbe worst. He would cause an argument in order to storm out and disappear for days.

It's awful to bE in a relationship like this and it's better you've discovered it now.

The important thing for your sanity is that he's not doing it to upset you however much it seems that way. He's doin it because he has a problem with drink. Once you can react to that rather than how upset you Are you stop enabling him.

It was a turning point with my ex that I didn't shout and scream about his behavior. I just told him calmly that I would support him going to aa but the relationship was over.

Spelling mistakes courtesy of iphone

Goblinchild - I think the reality will be very different so the last thing I need is him crashing around in the background like Florence the rubbish transvestite!

Plus obviously being rude and dismissive which is the bigger issue.

I was so tired and when I first posted that I really wasn't sure if I was being totally over the top or had a point.

Dolly

I have said to DP that I think he has a problem with drink. The issue I have is that ALL of his friends drink like this so his response is that it is highly unlikely that he is only friends with high functioning alcoholics. I just can't get through

Try looking at it this way:

He regularly goes out and gets so drunk that when he comes back he treats you, your possessions and your shared home, like crap.

He knows that you don't like this behaviour and he knows that it's causing serious problems in your relationship.

Despite this, he continues to regularly go out and get catastrophically drunk.

That, (and I'm speaking as someone who has had a relationship with an alcoholic), is a big warning sign of an alcohol problem. The way that he is blaming you of being a party-pooper is also a big warning sign. Most importantly, the fact that he appears to be incapable of moderating how much he drinks once he's started drinking is a VERY big warning sign.

There are few things in this life more demoralising, horrible and downright scary than trying to raise a child with a drunk.

"The issue I have is that ALL of his friends drink like this so his response is that it is highly unlikely that he is only friends with high functioning alcoholics."

People with drink problems are fantastically good at spotting other heavy drinkers and befriending them. It's like a boozy version of gaydar. People who don't drink heavily are discounted as "boring" and the group of boozers convince each other that they don't have a problem as, clearly, everyone they know drinks like they do so it must be normal

You cannot assume he will change once you have a baby and from experience i suggest you do not even consider having a baby with this man until he can prove to you that this binge drinking is in the past.

If drinking is an issue it needs to be confronted before a baby is brought into it or it will be a hundred times worse.

The drinking I could accept, I could just about accept him ruining my best top, I would be very unhappy about the carpet but could also live with that.
It's the fact that he thinks you're the one in the wrong that I couldn't accept

Are you prepared for the day when he comes home and pisses in your child's cot?

This happened to my sister - and yes, her baby was in the cot at the time - her partner thought it was the toilet.

Are you prepared for him coming home and defecating on a new armchair? That happened to a friend of mine - her husband thought it was the toilet.

And are you prepared for him to hit you when you complain that he's too drunk and that he'll wake the children? That happened to both of them.

Get a grip - he has a relationship with alcohol that goes far beyond normal behaviour. He lied about his sister's arrival because he didn't want you to limit his drinking. He laughs at you for not wanting to be drunk. He ruins your clothes. He can't even remember who's in the house.

He may not be drinking frequently, but by mixing only with other pissheads, he's hardly going to stop, is he?

There are some lovely men out there. You are lucky you've found this out about him before marrying him and having a child. Why go into something so vile with your eyes wide open?

"The issue I have is that ALL of his friends drink like this so his response is that it is highly unlikely that he is only friends with high functioning alcoholics".

One of my big interests is football. Unsurprisingly perhaps, although some of my pals are rugby fans, I mix with a lot of friends who are football supporters.

I don't support the Liberal party, so you would be unlikely to find me at one of their socials. However, I prefer talking politics to potty-training so I tended to avoid chatting at the school gates.

I gave up drinking and smoking a few months ago too. Do you find it surprising that it would now be unusual to find me in a pub, much less with a Scotch in one hand and cigarette in the other?

This intelligent man seems to have missed that on the whole we mix with likeminded people.

I'm so sorry
I wouldn't wish the years I had with my alcoholic ex on anyone. You'll do all of it on your own and feel resentful.

Maybe the approach is that you have no problem with his drinking but that you dont want to be in a relationship with him if that's what he does.

Being the figure of fun amongst his friends when you call to find out where he is will destroy you.

I don't get why you'd want to marry someone as immature as this, much less have children with him.

Okay, if it helps I am fence sitting here.

DH and I lived together for awhile before having DD's and used to get paralytic, he has (on occasion) pissed where he shouldn't through being unable to walk properly.

Since DD's were born he has got wrecked a few times, BUT mostly when we are away at my mums on holiday or similar so the children don't see him/disturb him in the mornings. When we stay at his parents I get bladdered and he gets up with he girls. The other weekend we had some very good friends round and DH and his mate started drinking at 2ish in the pub. They were in no fit state to look after children but I was sober, so was our other friend and so it was okay. It's not a dealbreaker.

What is a dealbreaker is how your DP deals with this when he has sobered up. If he has had a chance to let loose then you should get some time. If he has destroyed anything of yours whether by accident or intentionally he should be remorseful and willing to replace/fix it.
DH does forget what he has been up to, but I tell him and he is always suitably apologetic if necessary.

He prioritises drink before you and he will prioritise drink before his baby.

He will probably piss in the cot if he is the sort of drunk that thinks everywhere is the toilet.

Which he clearly does.

Do you like the thought of that? Waking up to find him staggering around in your room, and your screaming and terrified baby drenched in his alcoholic daddy's piss?

I can't say I'd fancy it much.

I am afraid that there are no tips on sorting this out, if he refuses to work with you.

If he was accepting of your feelings and willing to work at the problem, then there are an awful lot of things you could do. But it seems that whenever you try to talk to him, he tells you to shut up, tells you that you are controlling him (when actually it is the other way around) and over reacts by throwing a strop saying you are tryiing to stop him seeing his friends.

I get exactly this kind of thing from my teenager when I bring her out on bad behaviour. He is being very childish and his total lack of respect for you and your home is very worrying.

Do you really, if you are 100% honest with yourself, think that he will change? Do you think that having a baby will miraculously change him? It wont. Infact ime having a baby puts so much pressure on even the strongest of relationships, that he is likely to do it more, not less.

I would suggest that you wait until he is absolutely over his hangover, so he has no excuses and insist on sitting down and talking about it. His reaction will let you know whether there is any point in you working on this. If he refuses to talk to you, belittles you and insults you again then it is unlikely he will help you deal with it and I would seriously consider whether the relationship had a future. IF he will talk about it then I would suggest Relate as a starting point.

Take care.

xx

Perhaps you should turn the tables and do the same to him one evening when he is staying. Just spring a last minute "night with the girls" on him, come home completely bladdered, piss in the bed while he is in it, puke on him, and leave it for him to clean up.

that should read, staying in sober...

hmmm..things can be different it depends on the man/woman..

No matter how drunk I have ever been, I have never peed anywherer other than the loo. Its like people who blame alcohol for domestic violence. Its got to do with his basic lack of respect for you and his surroundings. If he cared for you as much as you'd like him to do, he would consider your feelings on this. Sounds like an asshole. Do you want to be married to an asshole? Imagine explaining to your son/daughter that her daddy can't go to sports day/christmas show at school as he is too 'sick' to go? You'd better put some energy into learning off excuses for him now as you'll be too tired from coping on your own to do it later... Sorry, but as a child of an 'occasional' drunk, I hate to see someone knowingly bring a baby into a similar situation. Talk with friends aobut this situation, get some outside perspective, maybe even go to an al anon meeting? good luck.

Tha starting point is talking about it..not whinging,nagging or berating him..but talking about it seriously and not during an arguement so he has the excuse to get defensive..

tell him how he makes you feel truthfully...

Humanoctopus, you probably (like most people) stop drinking before you get to that point. I'm not sure peeing elsewhere is to do with disrespect, more to do with being absolutely out of your mind with alcohol and not even knowing where you are, never mind where a toilet is.

i agree with Mumcentreplus re having a discussion. sit down, and have a calm conversation saying how he makes you feel.
BUT have that conversation just the once and stress how very very serious the implications on this relationship ending are.

as another poster has said, having a baby restricts so much of your social time (partic in the early days when you need the most support). it will be worse for him then but sounds like he'd just go out and do it anyway. how many times do you think he'll want to go out and "wet the baby's head"?

A friend of mine's DP once p'd in her very nice leather w/end bag. she had a word with him about it the next day. he was utterly mortified, called her twice at work to keep apologising, took the bag to the drycleaners to get it cleaned properly and took her out to dinner to apologise again.

He felt it was awful behaviour and couldn't quite believe he'd done it - does that give you an idea of how someone should behave in those circs and not to make you believe that you're at fault?

i find your DP's behaviour truly hidous. I would not begin to contemplate marriage or children or quite frankly any kind of future with a man like that.

sorry i know the implications of leaving are scary but better that than a lifetime of crap. i've read far too many threads on MN from posters who've got partners / husbands who behave like yours or worse. You have the opportunity to not get into a similar situation.

getting so drunk that you might pee everywhere, as your previous behavior has proven, is disrespect.

yanbu. cant add anything other than that my rule of thumb is that anyone who cannot handle their drink (becomes abusive, cant remember,
loses control) and you dont see me for dust.

Add to that when you have a baby you usually have less money. consider how it would feel to have to have him go out with a couple of hundred pound, which you need for the food and things for the baby, and have him piss it over the wall ..or wherever.

Oh the other red flag I have is the phrase "you dont know how to have fun"
Translates as we have very different ideas on how to enjoy ourselves.