.....at DP coming home rip-roaring drunk and putting on my clothes?!

[shinyblackgrape]

Back story - DP likes a drink, which I have always know. He never drinks during the week but, when he goes out at the weekend, he drinks a LOT. He has pissed on our bedroom carpet before type of thing. The next day is a total write off due to extreme hangovers. This usually happens about once every four - six weeks or so.

However, we will be getting married in a year and have agreed that we will start TTC right after. Therefore, we could have a baby in about 18 months.

Last night, DP's sister came to visit. DP did tell me she was coming but on Saturday. However, I understood he was going out with his friends last night. I gave him a lift to the pub to be told that actually his sister was down that night and I "could come out" if I wanted. Obviously, I hardly wanted to go in a work suit. But I was annoyed as I know that he did this as he clearly planned to have an absolute skinful and didn't want me there to "prevent" this.

Apparently, sister was staying with a friend. However, the friend sensibly went home about 11pm. DP and sister stayed out and and arived back home at 5:30am with a friend of DP's. I woke up and then got up to put sheets on beds. DP was past it and, on balance, I would rather have sheets on the bed than people sleeping without.

DP came down stairs to help me with his friend's sheets but they both started laughing at me which, I admit, made me lose my rag at DP on the basis that I had been woken up and a bit of thanks wouldn't go amiss.

I couldn't get back to sleep and went for a bath. Came back to find that DP - is so leathered- has put on one of my best (and most expensive) tops for some reason (so leathered he clearly thought it was one of his). He is 6 foot 6 and 17 stones an I am 5 foot 5 and a lot less so obviously it was ripped to bits. He thinks it is hilarious. I lose rag and am then called a "crazy bastard" .

AIBU to be completely pissed off. I can't get back to sleep so am about to get up properly. I dread this happening if/when we have a baby.

DP thinks I am a total party-pooper and that I am trying to stop him seeing his friends. I am trying to make him see that I am at home picking up the pieces when this happens. He (and his friends) thinks that it is all hilarious and I just don't know how to have a good time.

Tomorrow will be a total write off. There will no acknowledgement regarding what has happened or offer to replace my clothes.

I am furious but I just want some other perspectives. I like to go out and have a drink but gave up drinking til I fall down when I was a student.

It is causing problems with DP's sister and his friends as they clearly think I am over-reacting.

What does the wisdom of Mumsnet think....[stands back and prepares to be flamed].

Fast forward a year or two.

Married, toddler, and he's still doing this.

Apart from posting on MN saying woe is me, what on earth are you going to do in RL? Complain? Ask him to go to counselling? Tell him he's a naughty naughty boy for the rest of your life?

It doesn't bear thinking about.

Act soon, and think about your own survival. Think about that baby you want,it doesn't have to be anything to do with him.

I was/am hoping that he might change. I know that people don't fundamentally change.

However, I drink a lot less than I did 10 years ago as I work now etc. My circumstances have changed and I have changed with them. Therefore, I have been hoping that the same would happen with him.

ccpccp, but she doesn't want him not to get drunk or go out or have a good time.

She wants him to be reasonable when he is drunk. Using alcohol as an excuse for behaving badly is SHIT and pathetic.

And having been around people that get drunk, it works for some, others it doesn't. Saying I want to get shitfaced and treat you badly once in a while? really? Because if that is how he treats his partner when he is mashed, it is how he will treat his DC's if they have them.

If he can't handle it, he shouldn't do it.

I was married to a twat like that. He pissed in my make up bag in the babys crib on the carpert and the bed,i would go mad and then the whole argument would be centred on me and my temper instead of what he had done.He let me down on so many occasions-xmas's ruined no child care when my ds was in hospital so could stay with him. We divorced in the end but what di work for me was going to stay at a mates when he went out-not that often-allowing him to wake up to lying in his own pee or puke and having to face up to his own mistakes with out blaming me for shouting at him.
The other thing is that even tho you may decide to help out YOUR drunk dp why should you have his bloody mates and sister to sort out as well.

They can change SBG, but they have to want to and actually do it.... you just need to decide where you want to be if that is what he wants.

'I was/am hoping that he might change. I know that people don't fundamentally change. '

So help him do that, find out if he can. Before having a child with him.
Only 30? Old enough to drink and have some control by now, he's had enough time to perfect the art.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But the light bulb has got to want to change.

As a new mother I would be scared shitless for my baby's welfare if someone came into my house behaving like this.

I think you need to sit down calmly, without hangovers, and explain why you object to the behaviour, very clearly. He thinks you want him to stop getting drunk and having a good time, but actually you want to feel safe and respected.

Perhaps you can come to an arrangement where if he is out drinking past a particular point, he stays with a friend, why does your house have to be the place to crash? It can't be when you have a small baby. You can deadlock the door when you go to bed in case he "forgets". Make it clear you would love to see his friends when they are not being sick and falling over, and the same can apply to yours.

Shiny I think you need to reconsider marriage and children with thus man. I don't understand why you would want either with him. This is atrocious disrespectful and abusive behaviour - he has serious problems.

I don't think the drinking is the problem, it's the way he is talking to you now.
If he was getting up and apologising for his drunken behaviour and upsetting you there might be hope. But he is being a complete tosser. Telling you to shut up?! And telling you you are being controlling?! If you ask him to do something and he says you are being controlling, that's not good communication, that's not best friends. That's not give and take or compromise That's a nasty piece of work.

If I were you I'd take his credit card and check into a hotel for the weekend
I'd tell him that I was leaving so he could think about what kind of life he wants with me
he needs a shock to sort it out

"It is causing problems with DP's sister and his friends as they clearly think I am over-reacting."

Because you are.

Of course MN are going to support you as they all visualise the worst abusive/DV/alcoholic partner when they see you write about your DP.

The main issue you have is your DP still likes going out and getting pissed, but you dont. You've grown apart and are more ready to settle than he is, and its starting to annoy.

In that respect yes - I agree with other posters - marriage and kids may not be the best way forward.

He will only change when going to the pub is no more fun. Proabably around 35/40 when the last friend is married with kids.

Good thing I'm sitting down, ccpccp. That's the first of your posts I've ever agreed with.

He was disrespectful to you when he was drunk, but he was also disrespectful to you when he was sober & lied to you about his sister coming early, in the hope you wouldn't join him and spoil his fun.

This isn't just about him getting drunk. Him accusing you of being a party pooper is just a smokescreen for the fact he's a selfish dickhead.

Get rid.

ccpcc - thanks for your post as I do really want to hear from both sides here. That is why I posted here.

The issue for me is that I just can't see someone pissing on the bedroom floor as being OK an I never would, even when I was a student. They do, so perhaps you are right and DP needs to find someone from that crowd.

The points re the baby have terrified me. My sister had a baby 6 weeks ago and he is tiny (obviously!) and the thought of someone bumping in to his moses basket and knocking it over is awful. My cousin has a little boy who is 18 months and I think it would actually be worse with a child of his age as he would wake up and might be scared. Further, frankly, I don't want any children having to be quiet/not be able to have access to the living room to play as various drunken friends of DP's are dossing down.

And ther is the rusk of him treating any future children in the same abusive manner as he treats you... Discounting and dismissing their feelings.

'The points re the baby have terrified me.'

Did they not occur to you before? Perhaps you need a bit more experience with babies and toddlers before embarking on motherhood.
What if he comes home pissed and decides to play with his child? Or pisses in the moses basket?
A toddler might be afraid, or worse, if it happens on a monthly basis, it will be your child's normality.

"DP needs to find someone from that crowd"...

Yeah - pisshead folk.

No Goblinchild [ashamed]. Neither of us have much experience of children apart from via our family. DP has more than me due to work.

I had (perhaps terribly naively) presumed that DP would shape up if/when we had a baby as he is generally responsible in other areas of life and does love both my little nephews (is very interested in them, loves playing with the toddler).

This thread has made me realise what will/can happen if he doesn't.

To present a different side of the coin. He is 30, it sounds as if your friends don't yet have children. You are at the beginning of the settlign down phase (I was 33 when pregnant and the first of our friends). Fast forward 5 years and there will be far more small children involved, the more mature of the groups will start to influence the others and life will slow down - opportunities for that behaviour will be far less frequent.

I wouldn't write him off yet but bringing a baby into it all now would be a challenge. The drink is probably less of an issue than the fact that he doesn't like to be 'controlled'. A baby is very controlling and as the mother you often end up being the 'voice' and possibly the focus of any resentment. You can grow through this (we did!) but personally I think its this element you need to consider.

Is having TTC right after wedding a very mutual decision or is a baby something you really really want and perhaps making it difficult to see clearly ?

ccpccp, I sort of get your point, and in the context of letting off steam from time to time, sure, it might seem that OP is over reacting, but when occasional drinking becomes emotional Russian Roulette, the OP would be Naive not to be asking herself what kind of role this behaviour had in family life. And he has the right to consider that also.

Because it is wiser to think on it now than maybe have a little one that cries constantly for instance, and something like this turns a fracture into a chasm.

Does DP realise where your concerns are based OP? That this is not just judging him but trying to place where the issue would put you both if you go ahead and get married and TTC.

Thank you Mary. No, only one couple of our friends has children.

The dad is a bit of cock (out drinking far more than DP - totally uninvolved) and DP has said he thinks it is unacceptable.

DP's sister (who actually is lovely) is about to join the army as she has worked in private practice but is drawn to the sort of studenty drinking mess life.

So, most of his friends and influences are young and single. While I'm at home in my sensible pyjamas - as they see it.

DP is keen on the baby too. I will be 33 when we get married and he will be 31 so I can't hang on too long and I wont (either with him or without)

A golden rule for life is never get married thinking you can change your partner. Yes, he may change, but you have to marry him on the assumption that this is how he is going to be for life kids or no kids. As others have said he has to want to change and he is making out that he has no problem at all, that you're the one with the problem. So unless that attitude changes nothing is going to happen, he'll just continue to do this.

For a marriage to work it's not essential for both partners to agree on absolutely everything, but it is essential that they respect each other's point of view. For example, my DH doesn't handle drink well, in the sense that even two pints can make him very very sick the next day. He went through a phase of going out every second weekend or so (we don't have kids btw) and ending up very ill the next day. It got on my nerves because he would whinge for the day and it was completely pointless because it wasn't as if he was drinking to get drunk, as he would never be drunk. So I talked to him about it, told him that I felt it was ruining our weekends, and that I didn't like seeing him so unwell (he would be running to the bathroom at 7am to vomit very noisily). So he stopped. I didn't ask him to stop, but the fact that it was annoying me was more important to him than a couple of drinks. He hardly drinks at all now, and I can't remember the last time he had a hangover.

The message your DP is giving you is that going out and getting plastered is more important to him than your feelings. If you're happy to be in that position, go ahead and marry him.

You might both be keen on the idea of a baby, the reality might be a bit different.
It sounds as if you are thinking a bit more clearly now, and seeing the different possible outcomes.
What did you think you were going to be flamed about in your OP?