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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.....at DP coming home rip-roaring drunk and putting on my clothes?!

141 replies

shinyblackgrape · 13/11/2010 07:43

Back story - DP likes a drink, which I have always know. He never drinks during the week but, when he goes out at the weekend, he drinks a LOT. He has pissed on our bedroom carpet before type of thing. The next day is a total write off due to extreme hangovers. This usually happens about once every four - six weeks or so.

However, we will be getting married in a year and have agreed that we will start TTC right after. Therefore, we could have a baby in about 18 months.

Last night, DP's sister came to visit. DP did tell me she was coming but on Saturday. However, I understood he was going out with his friends last night. I gave him a lift to the pub to be told that actually his sister was down that night and I "could come out" if I wanted. Obviously, I hardly wanted to go in a work suit. But I was annoyed as I know that he did this as he clearly planned to have an absolute skinful and didn't want me there to "prevent" this.

Apparently, sister was staying with a friend. However, the friend sensibly went home about 11pm. DP and sister stayed out and and arived back home at 5:30am with a friend of DP's. I woke up and then got up to put sheets on beds. DP was past it and, on balance, I would rather have sheets on the bed than people sleeping without.

DP came down stairs to help me with his friend's sheets but they both started laughing at me which, I admit, made me lose my rag at DP on the basis that I had been woken up and a bit of thanks wouldn't go amiss.

I couldn't get back to sleep and went for a bath. Came back to find that DP - is so leathered- has put on one of my best (and most expensive) tops for some reason (so leathered he clearly thought it was one of his). He is 6 foot 6 and 17 stones an I am 5 foot 5 and a lot less so obviously it was ripped to bits. He thinks it is hilarious. I lose rag and am then called a "crazy bastard" Shock Hmm.

AIBU to be completely pissed off. I can't get back to sleep so am about to get up properly. I dread this happening if/when we have a baby.

DP thinks I am a total party-pooper and that I am trying to stop him seeing his friends. I am trying to make him see that I am at home picking up the pieces when this happens. He (and his friends) thinks that it is all hilarious and I just don't know how to have a good time.

Tomorrow will be a total write off. There will no acknowledgement regarding what has happened or offer to replace my clothes.

I am furious but I just want some other perspectives. I like to go out and have a drink but gave up drinking til I fall down when I was a student.

It is causing problems with DP's sister and his friends as they clearly think I am over-reacting.

What does the wisdom of Mumsnet think....[stands back and prepares to be flamed].

OP posts:
JaxTellersOldLady · 13/11/2010 08:37

YANBU, I would be reconsidering marrying and having children with someone who treated me like this on a regular basis.

What he and his friends did show a total lack of respect for you and your things, and him showing no remorse the next day is totally out of order. Dont take this sort of nonsense, otherwise you will be on here for a lifetime of advice on 'relationship' board. Sad

TheBolter · 13/11/2010 08:44

Hmmm. He'll go one of two ways when children are involved. He'll either settle down, pipe n slippers style, maybe with a once or twice a YEAR bender, (unrealistic to hope otherwise Wink) or he'll get worse due to increased feelings of pressure and limitations on freedom.

I'm not sure I'd want to take that gamble tbh! You need to HAVE WORDS.

StrikeUpTheBand · 13/11/2010 08:44

I agree...if he's like this now it will be a million times worse with a baby.

notnearlyasblondasiwas · 13/11/2010 08:44

He will not change, he doesn't have a reason tp, as herhinks you have a problem not him. I think you have to accept that this is how it is and make your choices from there. I think that when you have a child all the cracks in your relationship are magnified, and if it is a bit wobbly, that's when it all falls apart. I don't think you abu, but I think if you go ahead and marry him and have a child you have to accept this is him.

BelleDameSansMerci · 13/11/2010 08:45

At the risk of sounding like a very old woman, how old is he? If he is in his 20s, I wouldn't find this kind of behaviour particularly unusual but I wouldn't be considering having a child with him. If he's in his 30s and still thinks this is ok then I would run a mile.

Callisto · 13/11/2010 08:45

I certainly wouldn't even consider having a baby with this 'man'. My DH likes a drink, but not to the extent that he treats me like shit when he has had a few, or forgets that he is a father.

thisisyesterday · 13/11/2010 08:47

shinyblackgrape... no-one can change him. he needs to do it himself and it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that.

more worrying than the going out and getting so utterly drunk is the total lack of respect for you.
ruining your clothes, laughing while you make beds at 5.30am, refuding to acknowledge what he has done is wrong or hurtful....

do you really want to deal with that for the rest of your life

Vallhala · 13/11/2010 08:47

I've just realised that I said "exhaustive" instead of "exhausted". Blush

SBG, take it from someone who has been there. Men like this are far less likely to change than they are to revel in your vulnerability and dependency. What's more, what happens if you spend years trying, only to realise later, when you are older, more weary, less fit and healthy, that he isn't going to change?

Tell me, honestly... how would you feel if he came home drunk and pissed on the carpet in your baby's room?

Goblinchild · 13/11/2010 08:49

I think I'd be less concerned if you didn't think it was fine to have a baby, toddler, child, teenager in the same house as a man who gets paralytic once a month and appears to be controlling, unable to remember events and generally fucking up your relationship.
It's your choice whether to have a relationship or not, but you are considering screwing someone else's life up from the beginning, and that's more of a problem for me than a bit of bloody clothing.

lorelilee · 13/11/2010 08:50

Shiny - I can give you a bit of hope here. My OH used to get absolutely leathered and very belligerent when drunk and there would be no remorse the day after either. In fact, he was so pissed on the weekend before we found out I was pregnant, that he pissed the bed (it WAS his birthday though). However, as soon as DS1 came along, he cut right down and now very rarely gets very drunk at all. Mind you, when he does, he does!

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 13/11/2010 08:51

He is just 30. Lots to think about here.

It is just so bloody hard to discuss as he gets defensive (of course) and I think he thinks I make meaningless threats.

OP posts:
redflag · 13/11/2010 08:53

Why are you marrying him, he obviously gets on your nerves already?
You don't seem compatible at all.

He is who he is, he will not change, if you don't like this behaviour and you marry him, you will have no right to complain about it after.

You know who he is.

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 13/11/2010 08:54

I would throw him out of the house Vallhala and get a divorce.

No messing around. There would be no going back.

OP posts:
Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 13/11/2010 08:55

He is a medical professional (as his sister an most of his friends) and, rather worryingly, this type of drinking seems to be the norm. Every so often a MASSIVE, student type bender.

OP posts:
TheLifeOfRiley · 13/11/2010 08:55

I agree completely with Valhalla in her first post. Take it from someone who stayed Sad but eventually left Grin.

He won't change.

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 13/11/2010 08:57

Redflag - the majority of the time we get on very well as the majority of the time he is not drunk.

However, whilst drunk to this extent, yes, he does "get on my nerves". From the posts I have seen, I think I ANBU.

OP posts:
MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 13/11/2010 08:58

SGB, I don't normally do this.

But I read this and just think...leave.
I am sorry.

It is not the drinking, or the nights out.

I've been with someone who was lovely when they were pissed and remained a decent human being, and I have been with what are known on here by the apt term, fuckwits.

If you say it is over and he is horrified, addressed his drinking and agrees that over and above consuming a mind altering beverage, your relationship is more important, then fine. He has to change, of his own volition, make amends and between you you can decide what role drinking plays given it turns him into a not very nice person.

If not, it hurts it is a change in where you think you are going in life with him, but sweetheart, you will be much much better off.

I speak from experience. In the passing of time with a relationship, in some ways we become 'more' of what we are.

Good luck. Life is too short to be unhappy, and you deserve better, especially if you are planning on TTC.

GlynistheMenace · 13/11/2010 08:58

i too would be very wary of someone who got so drunk they pissed over the house.

and as for pissing on the bed Shock

i'd like to make a comparison with a dog, but no-one would stand for their pet urinating about the house, so why is it ok for your partner?

drunk or not.

that is filth

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 13/11/2010 09:04

lorelee - weren't you worried he wouldn't change? Had he said he would cut down if you had a baby?

DP's mother is a nice lady but was clearly very controlling while he grew up. He wasn't allowed out much etc until he went to uni.

Therefore, he seems to react very badly to any attempt to "control" as he sees it

OP posts:
Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 13/11/2010 09:04

sorry - "lorelilee*

OP posts:
ccpccp · 13/11/2010 09:11

YABU.

Every 6 weeks he gets stupidly drunk with his mates. He isnt some borderline alcoholic who drinks every day and lives in the pub. To read some of the prattle on here you'd think he was.

I'm pretty sure he doesnt realise that getting married to you and having kids means he is agreeing to leave the good fun parts of his life behind.

Yes - party pooper is pretty accurate.

Vallhala · 13/11/2010 09:11

"I would throw him out of the house Vallhala and get a divorce."

And you're waiting to have a baby in order to do this why, exactly?

Because believe me, it's much, much harder to walk away from that sort of treatment when you have a baby dependent on you, a need to feed and clothe her and a deep down desire to gove it just one more try for the baby's sake, desperate not to tear her family apart despite the way you are being treated.

Besides, he'll have you by the proverbials by then. He's already telling you to "shut up" and that you're a control freak and is refusing to listen to your valid objections.

Do you really think he's going to meekly pack his bags, leave the keys on the table and walk out upon request?

It's very rare that I say this, but I can see further abuse in the making here and a lot of heartache ahead.

I can only recommend that you seriously consider getting him out or leaving now. Don't wait until you have to leave with a baby in your arms.

EightiesChick · 13/11/2010 09:12

If he thinks you're being 'controlling' by not liking this, doesn't sound like he will change. If you have a baby wih him you will be STUCK with this and unable to go out yourself or do much about it. I would really rethink your plans. Which means that if you definitely want to have children, and have then soon (next 3 years) you need to rethink the relationship too.

Can I ask, why do you want to marry him? What are the good bits? (haven't read page 2 so apologies if you've said already)

Original poster
shinyblackgrape · 13/11/2010 09:20

Eightieschick - he is like my best friend really.

However, he just has this really horrible part of him re drinking.

And I know, that if he was a friend I would get rid etc

OP posts:
YaddahYaddahYaddah · 13/11/2010 09:21

30 isnt that young in the sense that I would have expected someone to have grown up by then and have left 'student' behaviour behind.

There is no way to sort this out - no one on here will be able to give you tips on how to because when it comes to drinking the only person who can sort it out is the person who is doing the drinking.

if he has no intention of changing his drinking habits and you find this level of drinking then it's not a good mix.

Take this from someone who was foolish enough to think that it wouldn't matter. Drinking has caused many many nasty and vicous fights in this house.