.....at DP coming home rip-roaring drunk and putting on my clothes?!

[shinyblackgrape]

Back story - DP likes a drink, which I have always know. He never drinks during the week but, when he goes out at the weekend, he drinks a LOT. He has pissed on our bedroom carpet before type of thing. The next day is a total write off due to extreme hangovers. This usually happens about once every four - six weeks or so.

However, we will be getting married in a year and have agreed that we will start TTC right after. Therefore, we could have a baby in about 18 months.

Last night, DP's sister came to visit. DP did tell me she was coming but on Saturday. However, I understood he was going out with his friends last night. I gave him a lift to the pub to be told that actually his sister was down that night and I "could come out" if I wanted. Obviously, I hardly wanted to go in a work suit. But I was annoyed as I know that he did this as he clearly planned to have an absolute skinful and didn't want me there to "prevent" this.

Apparently, sister was staying with a friend. However, the friend sensibly went home about 11pm. DP and sister stayed out and and arived back home at 5:30am with a friend of DP's. I woke up and then got up to put sheets on beds. DP was past it and, on balance, I would rather have sheets on the bed than people sleeping without.

DP came down stairs to help me with his friend's sheets but they both started laughing at me which, I admit, made me lose my rag at DP on the basis that I had been woken up and a bit of thanks wouldn't go amiss.

I couldn't get back to sleep and went for a bath. Came back to find that DP - is so leathered- has put on one of my best (and most expensive) tops for some reason (so leathered he clearly thought it was one of his). He is 6 foot 6 and 17 stones an I am 5 foot 5 and a lot less so obviously it was ripped to bits. He thinks it is hilarious. I lose rag and am then called a "crazy bastard" .

AIBU to be completely pissed off. I can't get back to sleep so am about to get up properly. I dread this happening if/when we have a baby.

DP thinks I am a total party-pooper and that I am trying to stop him seeing his friends. I am trying to make him see that I am at home picking up the pieces when this happens. He (and his friends) thinks that it is all hilarious and I just don't know how to have a good time.

Tomorrow will be a total write off. There will no acknowledgement regarding what has happened or offer to replace my clothes.

I am furious but I just want some other perspectives. I like to go out and have a drink but gave up drinking til I fall down when I was a student.

It is causing problems with DP's sister and his friends as they clearly think I am over-reacting.

What does the wisdom of Mumsnet think....[stands back and prepares to be flamed].

Obviously YANBU. Your DP's behaviour was totally out of order. I also find it worrying that he planned to go out without you and only grudgingly invited you at the last minute. That was really disrespectful and would make me question how much he wants to spend time with you vs how much he wants to get wankered. That suggests he either doesn't like spending time with you that much or has a less healthy relationship to alcohol than he would like to admit.

However, I'm really surprised at the number of posters suggesting that you leave your DP. You didn't ask for advice about this. You haven't suggested that you don't get on well at other times - quite the opposite.

I think given what you have said it would be really wrong to assume that this is a man who can't / won't change. The vast majority of us change our lifestyles and approach to alcohol at some point between finishing uni and having kids. Your DP seems a bit "behind" in this regard (as you say not uncommon in his profession - you would think medics would know better!) but that doesn't mean he's a lost cause.

Have you shown him this thread? It might be the wake up call he needs!

Good luck, I hope you sort this out. You really do deserve more respect than he has shown you over the last few days.

Writer - I am feeling a lot better today. We have talked again about what has happened and I do think that DP is genuinely remorseful.

Nonnomum - I don't like it and I have told him that I don't find it acceptable. On the other hand, about 4 years ago, I got very drunk one night and called him a bastard when he took me home. I was very embarrassed the next day and did apologise as it was quite out of character.

I don't think it is acceptable behaviour at all. However, I think I would have been quite shocked if DP had left me.

I have made it clear to DP that I have found what he did totally unacceptable and I think he has taken that on board.

I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour (although I accept that perhaps I am) and I am very annoyed that he engineered things so that he went out on his own.

I am pleased that he has accepted that what he did is wrong and I have to be fair to him regarding his drinking in that he does not always drink that excess (hence the example of the wedding reception). Sometimes we will go out and he wont drink at all or be the person in the group who has drunk the least. It just seems to be that if he goes out with his sister and this particular group of friends (every 6 weeks or so), he drinks stupid amounts - although Friday night was the worst.

That makes me think it may be more a situational issue but I don't know anything about alcohol problems so it might not.

Generally, our relationship is very good so I really do want to try and sort this our rather than leaving him. I am working on this basis as I am sure that I will make mistakes in our marriage and I would like DP to give me the opportunity to apologise and change rather than just leave. Although, I do accept that there will be somethings that will be total deal breakers for both of us.

As he has apologised and promised not to do this again, I don't think I am quite there yet with leaving.

A very sensible post SBG :)

As you say, we all make mistakes and should be given the chance to make amends. If your DP is genuinely sorry and genuinely makes an effort to change this behaviour then the future looks good :) Nothing shows love more than being willing to admit you are wrong and genuinely make an effort to make things better. If you manage to come out the other side of this with the problem resolved it could end up being a really positive thing :) Good luck!

Nice SBG..talking about things is always makes them clearer and your relationship better..take care x

I really hope you're right SBG. Because the way you have been talking makes him sound exactly like my father. He is an alcoholic and got to the point where he was shitting himself (yes, literally) in the living room at 3pm on a Saturday because the drink had destroyed his ability to hold it in long enough to make it to the toilet. He wasn't even drunk. Also be prepared for him to punch your future children for fun when he's drunk, to decide not to feed them for two days, and pass out drunk in the middle of their school Summer fete and piss all over the floor. Oh, and don't forget, if you don't leave, your children will rightly resent you for making their childhood like that. Yes, all these things happened to me.

You mustn't have children with this man under the assumption that he will stop this behaviour when you are pregnant or when they are born. If he's not willing to stop for you and your future, he won't stop for the children either. Neither of you has the right to bring children into that situation.

There is likely no harm in giving him a second chance now, but if he's still doing this in the run up to your wedding, you might need to reconsider your position, unless, as others say, you want to be on the relationships board forever complaining and regretting.

"His position seems to be that he is doing this now, while he has the chance."

What? He will always have the chance, with or without children.

and when will the domestic violence start, if it already hasn't? Drink and 'difficult female partners' who complain is the repeated and perfect recipe for you and your children to become just another statistic.

tainedpaint - am so sorry all that happened to you. No-one deserves that sort of treatment.

OK - I take your points on board Pan and Tainted.

I'm quite frightened by all of this as DP has never shown any signs of being violent towards me whilst drunk or sober and I know (through his work) has zero tolerance to domestic violence.

When he said he was drinking like this now it is because he wouldn't intend to go out with his friends and/or drink to excess when/if we had children. Of course, there would be times when we did go out either together or apart and would drink but not staying out til 5:30am etc. However, he appears to accept after our discussions yesterday that drinking like this now is not acceptable to me.

I have no experience of DV or alcoholism so I was not aware that Friday night's episode was a possible precursor to this.

I am going to the doctor this week (about a totally unrelated matter) so will discuss matters with her there and get her view.

Oh SBG you sound very worried now, I hope it's not stressing you out too much. I think it's good that you've been made aware of the potential dangers through this thread but you don't have to assume that DV or long-term alcoholism is inevitable. My first couple of posts to you were quite negative but that was centred around the fact that he didn't seem prepared to listen to you or to change. Now that he seems to be listening things look much more positive. If he is able to drink sensibly most of the time then it's unlikely that he has as drink problem. He just needs to grow up a bit and realise that you are his priority now and his binging days are over!

I doubt he's an alcoholic!! All young men I know do this from time to time, rightly or wrongly. Our country in general has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol - I don't think him getting twatted on a weekend is necessarily a precursor for future abuse of you and your children!!

Thank you Freerange - I am leaning more towards your way of thinking but am grateful for everyone's advice/input

"If he is able to drink sensibly most of the time then it's unlikely that he has as drink problem."

Horribly wrong analysis. Unless if only specifing 'dependent drinker'.

• verbally abusive to betrothed
• disparages her in front of others
• accuses her of 'limiting' his freedoms.
• damages her clothes
• makes himself ill on a regular basis
• spends what must be a heap of money to get in this state.

A rough tool to look at if someone has a problem with alcohol is one that looks at problems with these four:
Health, wealth, work and relationships.

No he isn't a dependent drinker maybe, but it is blindingly clear there is a damaging problem, and one which he isn't even acknowledging.

good luck sbg. Just don't stand for anymore arsehole nonsense. The only way he can treat you like a pile of poo is if you let him.

Ok. I see the threshold for drinking problems is incredibly high round here!!

I'd still call him Franny the Tranny til Christmas

Wanna - I have been!

Sorry haven't got time to read the whole thread but just wanted to add.....don't expect having a child to change his behaviour. It won't.

I am posting here with 2 viewpoints. One is that I am an alcoholic (I no longer drink), and the other is that I was the wife of a man who contolled/abused me.

From the alcoholic point of view I would say that things can go either way - from what you write it seems as though your dp has a 'problem' relationship with alcohol (he clearly planned to get drunk, he lied to you about that, he drinks way too much on a regular (if infrequent) basis). That does not mean he is/will become an alcoholic, but I would say that it is a worrying sign.

From the wife point of view I would say a much bigger "Be Careful". My exh, while he was my dp, was a clever, respected man. There were ways in which he belittled me before we were married which should have been a big warning signal to me. But they weren't. And later, once married, and with children, his behaviour (and mine) became intolerable.

SBG You asked in you original post what you could do... I'd suggest counselling - NOW. When exh and I were splitting up we went for counselling and my biggest thought was that we should have had it years before. It just might have enabled us to talk about our expectations, our perceptions, our needs etc long before we got in a real mess with marriage and babies.

If you dp refuses, and won't accept counselling now - he probably won't accept it later. Of course you need the right counsellor, but please, I urge you - dealing with it now will be so much better. And if that is what you want, and he downright refuses - then walk. I do not believe that things just get better on their own.